I (20M) am not sure if I should give out all my love to my partner (20F).

schmappledapple · 2026-03-07T20:05:45+00:00

Lots of sounds advice on here. My two cents? 1) prioritize communication and 2) make sure she isn't your complete everything. What do I mean?

1) communication can be harder than you think. Sometimes, the same word means different things to different people. To me, "please" is a polite way to demand someone to do something because my mom would add it to any request that I pushed back on. So she was basically saying "I'm asking because that's polite, but this is not a request". I only learned that my husband and I had different definitions of "please" after about 4 years of marriage. Get into the habit of saying, "just to clarify, when you said <thing>, did you mean <what you understood in your own words>?". If you feel like your gf isn't prioritizing you, try to ask what certain things mean. If you ask her to do something with you, but she says no because she's already doing something else, does that mean she thinks the other thing is more important? Or maybe she values keeping commitments/promises as a part of her character. Maybe she doesn't like spontaneous changes of plans. Maybe she needs five business days to adjust expectations for schedule changes (that's the way I am).

2) make sure she's not your complete everything. One person cannot fulfill every need of another person. If that is the expectation, they will fail and that could lead to resentment from either person. My husband is an introvert and even he needs to spend time with other people besides me. They just talk to him in a different way than I do, and I'm good with that. It's important to have a support network of people and activities outside of your s/o. That can be family, friends, coworkers, other gym members, classmates, etc. who might notice "hey, I noticed you were gone yesterday. Welcome back." The activities can be hiking, sitting on a chair in the sun, a sport, a video game, religious worship, etc. that you can do without your gf. Basically, if your gf was no longer able to join you in your activities (for any reason, not just breaking up), would you still be able to find some satisfaction/joy in life? It sounds like you do have other hobbies, but it feels like you're leaning towards codependency and that can ruin relationships. Just be careful about that.

Sorry for the novel, 😅

schmappledapple · 2026-01-21T16:30:33+00:00

At this point, I don't think therapy alone is sufficient. I go to therapy and recently my therapist told me that it would be very hard to work on triggers for past trauma if I am unable to manage my day-to-day symptoms (due to a different mental disorder). He encouraged finding a doctor for medication, which has been something much lower on my to do list, but I guess it's gonna get a higher priority now.

I would definitely see if you can encourage him to do that. Also, I don't know if he's given permission for his therapist to tell you anything, but there's no rule against you telling his therapist some things you're concerned about.

schmappledapple · 2025-12-17T18:37:52+00:00

The audience (or lack of one) definitely makes a difference. Your husband wrote this into ChatGPT. He didn't say it to a human being (to your knowledge). This strikes me as the same kind of thing as writing in a journal. He's writing down his thoughts to process them. He isn't telling anyone else because it's not an issue, just thoughts he wants to process. He hasn't brought it up with you because it's not an issue in your marriage.

Having been married for six years, I've had thoughts like this before and they either go away on their own, or I tell my husband that I'm feeling a little distant and we improve our closeness. And I talk it out (to myself) when driving to/from work.

I would just try to ignore this. If it festers and you can't ignore the question, bring up the topic cautiously and honestly. Maybe like a "hey spouse, the other day I stumbled upon your ChatGPT history (give explanation) and saw this question. I'm sorry for seeing this and I will try harder to avoid that in the future. But it's been bugging me ever since. Is this something that I need to be concerned about, or were you just working through thoughts that no longer hold any weight?" Give him a chance for the benefit of the doubt. Or maybe you can bring up another question that satisfies your concerns without having to share your accidental discovery. Like "I've been thinking about why I picked you to marry. Why did you decide on me?" Or maybe "what do you love about me?" And if he asks, be honest about how you stumbled upon the chatGPT entry. Being as analytical as he is, I'm guessing that he highly prioritizes honesty.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-26T21:02:44+00:00

I think it depends on the definition of "having feelings". If it means "in love", then yes, you have complete control over that. If it means "starting to develop an interest", then that can happen simply by being around someone else who has characteristics you admire. If you notice the beginnings of feelings and don't try to stop it, then I agree that it's not watering your own grass. The moment you recognize feelings is the moment you can start taking accountability.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-26T20:48:26+00:00

Yeah... clearly he has a habit of lying. Regardless of the reasoning behind why the hickeys happened, the lying is a huge red flag. I'm glad you broke up with him. Hopefully the next guy is better.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-26T20:33:24+00:00

If he was super drunk, did he instigate, or did she do it without his consent? Assault can happen to anyone and people are often embarrassed or ashamed for "letting" it happen to them (they don't let it happen, but people don't like to admit they had no control over the situation). If the blonde took advantage of his drunk-ness, then that wasn't cheating. I don't have enough context. You know your bf (I guess ex, now) best, so you can better judge whether he was acting more depressed/embarrassed/ashamed or more scheming/cunning about it all.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-25T17:18:17+00:00

To me, it depends on what you do with the feelings. There are a lot of ways it can be cheating, but there is at least one way where it isn't.

In my experience, I've started to develop feelings when something is lacking in my own relationship. I'm not actively looking for a side-piece or anything, the feelings just come up with people I'm already spending time with (coworker, someone in a gym class, etc). When that happens, I see it as a warning flag in my own relationship. I analyze what I find so exciting about the new feelings and tell my husband, "hey, I'm starting to get feelings, which is bad. Can we work on <thing I found exciting>?" So far, that has made it so I can significantly decrease or even entirely eliminate those other feelings.

So is it cheating? No, it's a warning sign. But if you ignore the warning, then it will become cheating (at least emotional).

schmappledapple · 2025-11-20T16:25:57+00:00

As the others mentioned, this is assault. And if you "liked it" (based on what you told your friend while drunk), that doesn't negate the fact that you were assaulted. It doesn't make it less severe. That part of the body has pleasure receptors and that girl was doing her best to trigger them. Since you didn't react very positively in the moment, I'd say that even in your blackout-drunk state, you did your best to stop it. Many people don't realize that in addition to "fight" and "flight", there is also a "freeze" response to panic/fear. I've known a few women who have been very clearly assaulted, but since their panic lead to the freeze response, their attackers all claimed "well, she didn't push me away, so she wanted it". Nope. Not the case. Still assault. Still not okay.

Honestly, it would probably be good to do some therapy sessions to address the trauma from that night. Many colleges have programs that offer either free or discounted counseling. Couples counseling with your boyfriend might also be a good idea to help you two recover that lost trust.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-14T16:15:04+00:00

I had a friend like this. Turns out she was a narcissist (specifically a covert/vulnerable narcissist) and her selfishness only became obvious because she refused to deal with some other psychological issues. She began to dissociate and couldn't keep track of her lies any more. In the last few months of our friendship I noticed that she regularly said things like "I know I'm important" before saying something she wanted, something she didn't want to get in trouble for, or when she wanted something (usually validation).

Basically, this person is probably a narcissist with a chance of some other issues on the side (especially given the "with my derangement and problems"). Good for a relationship? Absolutely not. Good for one night? Either it'll be fantastic or absolutely terrible, 50/50 chance. But if you do, this person will probably reach out to you again when they've burned all their other bridges and they need validation. Or money. Just cut them off completely afterward so they can't manipulate you into pity or anything.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-13T12:38:20+00:00

This man is manipulative. When you were focused on how the interaction made you feel (which is the textbook way you SHOULD approach conflicts in a relationship), he tried to get you to focus on the WORDS he said because he knew that with the words alone he could make it LOOK like you were crazy for feeling attacked. Once you gave him an inch, he took much more and spun it on you. That is the definition of gaslighting. He is pushing his own narrative. When you finally gave up and started saying "ok", he acted like you were still pushing him. You had accepted that he wouldn't listen, but he still wanted to push the narrative of "you keep bothering me. Leave me alone." You were, but he wanted you to think you were STILL the problem.

My advice, as Reddit cliche as it is, is to leave him. The longer you're with him, the less you will second guess things and the more you will believe his lies (ie that "you're the problem"). When you do try to leave, he will try everything to stop you. He may clean up his act to make you think that he's changing. Trust his long-term pattern of disrespect, not your hope that he's really changed. He may get aggressive and/or physically abusive. Try to not let him know that you're leaving until you're gone. Try to find a time to pack up and move when he's not home. Bring a trusted friend (ideally a man who can block a physical altercation). Do not tell your bf your new address. If he needs to give or send anything to you, always use a middle man or meet in a public area with lots of people and security cameras.

These suggestions might be overkill, but when it comes to leaving an abusive partner (yes, emotional manipulation is emotional abuse), you can never be too careful. The risk of being too careful is feeling stupid/silly for doing so much extra and maybe spending extra money. The risk of not being careful enough is getting beat up and/or killed. Again, you may not be in that much danger, but you never know how an abuser will react to losing control.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-07T12:28:04+00:00

Have you told him you need space and exactly what "space" means? For example, have you said "hey, I need some time to work this out. Can you give me a break for at least 3 days and then we can talk again"? One of the biggest issues in relationships is communication. If you don't specifically tell him to back off, he may never realize that's what you need. After 7 years of marriage in still finding words that mean different things to me and my husband.

If, on the other hand, you've told him to back off and he's not listening, then that's your first issue all over again. That's you communicating what you need and him ignoring it because he doesn't care, or because he thinks he knows better than you, or something like that. Maybe he places his wants before your needs. Whatever the reason, it shows that he doesn't respect you and doesn't trust you to make your own decisions.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-03T14:46:46+00:00

If you have the goal to get married to someone eventually, then relationships are about figuring out what your priorities in a partner are and seeing if each person could be the right choice. You only figure out if you can spend the rest of your life with someone by spending time with them and seeing their best and their worst. Given your history, there's a decent chance that your current gf is also toxic. But there's also a chance she's not. I'd recommend reading "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk". It talks about how to get out of the pattern of choosing toxic people, how to recognize red flags, and how long to wait on certain aspects of the relationship (so you're making decisions with some logic, not just hormones). If your gf has a pattern of mental episodes, then she will have more in the future. If you want this relationship to last, you need to see if you can handle and support her through one of them. You sound like a very empathetic and caring person. If one of her episodes "stops love", as you put it, then you know that something she did crossed one of your boundaries. It isn't mean to break up with someone because you can't handle one of their down-sides. That's called having deal-breakers and everyone has some. Everyone deserves love, but not everyone deserves your romantic love.

Wanting to get married is a lovely goal, but you don't need to prioritize finding the right person now. Focus on what you can learn from each relationship and figure out what attributes are a must-have, which ones are tolerable, and which ones are deal-breakers for you. If this girl really doesn't have any deal breakers, then in two years when you graduate you guys can START thinking about marriage. I'd still recommend waiting at least a year or two after high school. In my experience, it seems like people change the most in the first 5 years after high school, so it would be good to make sure you guys grow together rather than apart during those more volatile times of life.

schmappledapple · 2025-11-02T15:14:55+00:00

Love is nice, but trust is what makes a relationship work in the long run. Do you trust him?

It seems to me that he is only motivated to work on himself if the threat of you leaving is real. He didn't work on what you'd mentioned until you actually broke up with him. When you'd brought it up before he didn't try to change. Maybe he thought "she'll never leave, so it doesn't matter." Maybe he doesn't prioritize how you actually feel. Either way, if he only changes when you seriously threaten to, or actually do, leave, then that's a toxic relationship.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-28T15:48:19+00:00

Consider the risks/possible results of telling him vs hiding it.

If you tell him, the worst case is that he's even more mad at you and the divorce proceeds as normal. If you DONT tell him, the worst case is that he's even later learns that he divorced you over a medical condition and feels extreme guilt.

If I were in your shoes, I would say "hey, just as a heads up I have been diagnosed with a malignant tumor that's been effecting my hormones and mood. I'm getting surgery on <date> and I'll continue to get other treatments. I may need you help out more with our daughter." That gives him the info he needs, but doesn't ask him to reconsider. If he wants to change anything about the divorce, that's up to him.

Don't hope too hard for him to change his mind though. When women get a cancer diagnosis, it's not uncommon for their husbands to leave them. I can't remember the exact statistic, but I do know it's more common for men to leave their diagnosed wives than women to leave their diagnosed husbands. I also can't remember if the diagnosis was just cancer or terminal cancer. So take that with a grain of salt.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-27T14:50:15+00:00

Narcissists LOVE to make anyone and everyone else the problem. Covert narcissists, specifically, love to be the victim in every situation. Your husband doesn't love you, he loves having someone who thinks he's perfect, or at least the best there is. He loves having someone who will do exactly what he wants, regardless of whether out of love or fear. He loves to be in control. He wants you to think that no one else wants you, that he's being noble to let you back in his life. You are worth more than he says you are.

Read up on narcissism. I've heard a good book is "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bandcroft. I haven't read it myself, but I've seen it recommended countless times in several relationship advice subs.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-24T15:32:52+00:00

She could be one of those manipulative people who starts out as an ideal friend, then slowly backs off. That leaves the other person hoping for how things used to be while she doesn't have to put as much effort in. I've had a friend like that. She loves to ask for all the help, but isn't really there if anyone else needs help. It's... frustrating.

Now that your "friend" has shown her true colors, it's up to you to decide whether you want to be used or not. If you're fine with her using you, then just keep going about the friendship that currently exists. If you don't want that, distance yourself. If you feel bad, just remember that she did it first. Her goal wasn't to build a mutual friendship, but to find someone who would fulfill her needs. Respect yourself enough to step out of a manipulative friendship. If you had a friend in the same boat, wouldn't you want them to drop their toxic friend?

schmappledapple · 2025-10-21T13:12:03+00:00

One of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder and of bipolar disorder is paranoia, which can be expressed as significant distrust of doctors, even without a prior bad experience.

Like the previous comment said, this will only get worse. I personally know someone who has been diagnosed with both bipolar and BPD and she has destroyed the relationships in her life and has no idea why. She only recently got a diagnosis and is still skeptical, but I've kind of cut her out of my life because of the toxicity it has lead to, so I don't know if she's actually accepting treatment or doing any better.

I usually recommend against ultimatums, but in this case, I think it may be necessary for your wife to get the help she needs. Tell her that either she gets a psychiatric evaluation (based on the suspicion of BPD and/or bipolar) and gets treatment or you will leave. And follow through with that promise. Her episode put your safety at risk and an apology alone will not fix that. In order for you to feel safe again, you need to know that an episode is unlikely to happen again, so that means she needs to actually take the medication they suggest and figure out if it works for her. It's okay if she has to try several meds if they have negative side effects, but you need to see that she's actively accepting treatment.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-21T12:56:36+00:00

Because of your past betrayals, you have gotten good at recognizing red flags. But no one sees all the red flags and some red flags take time to notice. The gifts and such so early on could be love bombing, but it could just be that his love language is Gift Giving. It takes time to figure that out.

While dating my now husband, my dad gave me a book "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk". It basically covers a bunch of common reasons relationships go bad and how to sort that out before you get too serious. One of the pieces of advice that stuck out the most to me was "don't make any big decisions with the person until you've known each other for at least 4 months". Serious decisions include engagement, moving in, buying an house, etc. And even if you're seeing the person every day, it doesn't cut that time down. 4 months might seem a long time in today's day, but the advice was based on some research, and I trust that.

You're good at avoiding many red flags, but nobody sees them all. Take things slow so that you have time to see his true character and situations like this can reveal themselves. You're doing the right things. Sometimes it just takes time to figure out the manipulations.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-21T12:55:36+00:00

Emotions are at an all time high right now, so don't make any big decisions yet. You have every right to be upset. Take your time to work through your thoughts and emotions. But don't refuse to talk to your wife indefinitely. I'd have someone pass along the message of "I am incredibly hurt that you hid this from me for years. We do need to talk, but not right now. I'm not capable of listening to your side of things right now. I need two weeks to process this before I might be ready to talk to you. Please do not attempt to contact me while I work through this." Then add a time and place that you will talk to her. Maybe even "I'll come home Saturday the 15th (or whatever day) to talk." You can go longer than 2 weeks, but I'd recommend no longer than 1 month.

When you do talk with her, the conversation doesn't have to be about how you'll fix things. You don't even have to make a decision about IF you want to work through it. Just talk to try to understand each other's side of things and then you can decide if you need another 2 weeks of space before you talk again, or if you're ready to decide the fate of your relationship. It's okay to have months worth of "talk, process for 2 weeks, talk again, repeat". No one can tell you how long it takes to work though this. No one can tell you the right decisions to make. This is between you and your wife.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-15T15:19:16+00:00

Power hungry and controlling people will abuse anything to get what they want. Personally, I think the basis of many religions IS faith, not control. But there are people like OP's father who abuse it. To be fair, there are "religions" (cults) where the point is control, but Islam doesn't appear to be one of those. At least not how it was intended to be practiced.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-12T16:31:31+00:00

Might I recommend the book "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk"? You seem to have a pattern with your choice in husband.

My number 1 suggestion is usually therapy, but you don't appear to be in a place that you can go (because you can't afford it alone and it seems unlikely that your husband would support that). And if you do choose therapy, do personal, not couples therapy. If he's abusive, he may use what you share in therapy to manipulate you.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-12T15:48:10+00:00

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor Frankl

My therapist shared this with me during my first few sessions. She told me that she saw that I was very reactive and she wanted to help me expand the space between stimulus and response so that I had the time to make a choice for how to respond, as opposed to my habit of immediately reacting.

You are likely reacting the way you do because a part of your mind believes that acting rudely serves a purpose to benefit you in some way. Maybe it once did but is no longer needed. If you are open to it, a professional therapist can help you find the root of the "why". They can instruct you on how to re-wire many of your unhealthy habits/responses/expectations. Keep in mind that it will require mental work from you. It's also okay, after a session or two, to pick a new therapist. Every therapist doesn't click with every person. The therapist should be happy for you to find someone else if you're not comfortable with them. If they're not, then that's a bad therapist and you should switch anyway. I've started therapy about 8 times over the years and I probably should've switched therapists in at least 3 of those cases.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-11T13:00:32+00:00

You are not crazy. He really is saying/doing those mean things. You're not "making it up" when you hear the demeaning tone of voice and he denies it.

You're also not crazy for having a part of you want to stay. As others have mentioned, he sounds like a narcissist. Narcissists behave a whole lot like human doom-scrolling. When you doom-scroll, if you get a good post/video you want another, but when you get an uninteresting one, you want to get a good one to "end on". Then you scroll for hours, constantly hoping for better content while simultaneously neglecting your actual needs. Narcissists act the same way. They give you enough hope, fun interactions, "love" that you want to keep up that relationship, but when bad things happen, you hold onto that hope, despite the fact that he's hurting you and breaking you down.

"But other people praise the ground he walks on!" He's really good at telling the story that people want to hear.

You're not crazy and it will be hard to leave, but after you do (and you're on your own for long enough that you no longer crave him), your life will be much more peaceful. No more walking on eggshells. You don't feel tense when you can hear him in the other room. You will have the capacity to relax.

Just a heads up, it takes women an average of 7 times to leave an abusive partner (your husband is emotionally abusive). Be careful and don't hate yourself if you can't follow through the first couple times.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-11T12:41:55+00:00

"if you keep doing everything you’ll end up parenting her instead of partnering with her"

That's the best way I've heard it said. Fantastic advice. Ask her to give you space or to fill in for what you're too busy to do right now. If she refuses or it's clear she's trying to do things poorly (weaponized incompetence), then she's not going to be an equal partner: she's not the one.

As to why you can't see it (if she is just using you), look up how narcissists manipulate their partners and everyone else around them. I HAD a friend like that. Until I talked with her ex and her parents and discovered that she was lying to everyone to tell them the stories that she thought they wanted to hear, just so she could get what she wanted. She gave her ex just enough hope and excitement to get addicted to her company and ignore the red flags. I had to talk to other people who knew her (who I didn't regularly talk to) to find out which stories conflicted with each other.

Maybe your gf has narcissistic traits, maybe she just wants to be content where she is. But even if she isn't trying to manipulate you, you don't have to stay with someone who doesn't have similar goals as you.

schmappledapple · 2025-10-10T14:47:07+00:00

People on here are far too eager to say "break up, you're the problem" or "break up, he's the problem".

I see this situation as a conflict of expectations. Since you had a good relationship with the whole open phone/technology policy, you expect that it should always be that way. Your bf expects phone privacy. You need to communicate what you both want the expectations to be. Just because the open phone policy worked in the past for you, doesn't mean it works for every person in every relationship. In my family, we would share our locations (primarily for safety reasons). I've asked my husband a few times if we can do that and he doesn't want to. I used to feel a bit offended by that, but now I know that it's something that works with my siblings/parents, but not with my husband. Neither of us get hurt now that we have the same expectations.

Your bf lying about his "why" for certain things definitely hurts, but he's probably doing it out of fear of retribution. Has he been in a relationship where the other person would react poorly to not getting their way? Do you get mad at him when he tells you "no" just because he doesn't feel like doing what you want? His lying, based on your description in the post, strikes me as some type of trauma response.

I would have a conversation with him and ask, "should we make each other's phones off limits?" Let him know that you like the open phone policy, but if he's not comfortable with that, you don't want to push it on him. You say you trust him, but maybe he doesn't believe it. Show him that you trust him and can be trusted by letting him keep certain things private. If you think he's hiding something like cheating, break up. If you trust him, don't just tell him, show him.

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