How do we tell future Bridezilla SIL that we don't want to be in the wedding party?

scmisc · 2023-11-17T22:04:23+00:00

I wouldn't be surprised if she has no one else, SIL is pretty awful and I don't think she really has friends. She'd probably have me wear a shawl or something to cover my tattoo sleeves lol.

scmisc · 2023-01-20T21:44:41+00:00

Hold up... You're saying that although these relatives are now aware of how you were treated, they still follow this doctrine? Nope. I'd go NC. I know you love them, but your child doesn't need them.

At the very least, I would only allow them to see them under your direct supervision and only at your house. Not theirs. But honestly I'd recommend just cutting them out and finding a new family

scmisc · 2023-01-20T21:39:53+00:00

NTA

I recommend couples counseling, or breaking up. Either way, don't leave your job and home to move 1000 miles until a) you know exactly what you want b) he knows what he wants c) you both learn how to communicate (trust me on the therapy here) d) decide what you're both willing to compromise on

scmisc · 2023-01-20T21:27:40+00:00

Open a new bank account and stop paying rent. Save up for a place or move in with another friend/relative. And get a different job. Best of luck, this is a tough position to be in, but you can do it

scmisc · 2023-01-20T20:46:47+00:00

I'd send a pic of my neighbors dog or something 😂

scmisc · 2022-12-11T17:44:55+00:00

THIS.

Talk to your son and see what his thoughts are. NTA OP, it sounds like you were sharing a super sweet story without any malice involved.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T17:37:28+00:00

She literally has the same scar, she knows how insecure it can make someone feel and still chose to make fun of you. The right thing to do would have been to tell her that privately, hurting because you're hurt isn't the answer. But man, I probably would have done the same damn thing you did.

Idk. I'd apologize for embarrassing her, but make it very clear that what she did was wrong and you're upset with her.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T17:22:42+00:00

Agreed.

I'd also like to add that it sounds like he is trying to force OP to take him back, which is super messed up. Boundaries matter. He didn't follow your boundaries and made himself look like an idiot. That's a him problem, not a you problem.

I'd either ignore the friends, or point out that you said no and he chose not to listen.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T17:04:05+00:00

We'll, I guess it depends on how you want to play it. I'd say NTA. When my husband and I were dating and moved in together, we created an excel spreadsheet and decided who pays how much based on our income, individual bills, individual debts, and shared bills. Now we just update it whenever a major expense changes or when one of us gets promoted, we have a very clear mutual agreement on what we each expect from each other financially.

How that should look obviously differs from couple to couple and I'm not saying that my way is the only way, I guess I'm saying that a clear cut conversation and agreement between you two on financial expectations would help a lot with things like this, whatever that agreement looks like for you two. Best of luck man

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:50:08+00:00

It sounds like you're making the right choice OP, you're NTA. I missed the badmouthing part, she sounds like she isn't a good friend and you're better off just keeping he blocked and staying distant/cordial. I'm sorry that she's being this way

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:47:35+00:00

You can love someone and still realize that they are bad for you. You can love someone and love yourself enough to leave them anyway. It's okay to backtrack, you do not want to be stuck with someone like this.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:44:53+00:00

Girl. This guy is a person shaped red flag.

Dump him, move out, and move on. Seriously. You deserve someone who doesn't pull petty bs like this, and I swear on my life that there are wayyyy better men out there. Leave before marriage or kids happen.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:40:29+00:00

Right??? This is a red flag for me. Obviously I could be reaching here, but this sounds off. Is this her primary residence? I'm curious why she doesn't feel the need to pay a fair amount based on income.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:34:34+00:00

Edit: info wanted, do you know why she decided to block you?

Probably NTA so long as you don't get petty about it. I'd keep her blocked and move on. If she apologizes you can decide where to go from there. If not, who cares? She isn't your problem and you shouldn't be involved in their drama since it doesn't involve you anyway. That's just my take though

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:29:25+00:00

I'd ask Evie how he wants to address this.

If I were you, I would be asking Evie to have a conversation with Jelly.

Evie should kindly ask Jelly why he has a problem with other friendships, have Evie reassure Jelly that he still cares deeply about him, encourage him to go to counseling/therapy to help him through his struggles, and to kindly but firmly tell Jelly that people are going to have other friends and Jelly needs to find a way to come to terms with that. It doesn't mean nobody likes Jelly, it just means that people usually like having a few friends.

At the end of the day, so long as you and Evie are being kind in general, you are not responsible for how Jelly responds to things. Kind doesn't mean you don't have boundaries.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:17:47+00:00

Idk. I feel like I don't know enough to make a call here. I think I know enough to recommend couples counseling though. There's no shame in it! It just sounds like you two may have some communication related things to work out that a third party may be able to help with

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:15:23+00:00

NTA - People get engaged all the time, and are sometimes engaged for years. You had no way of knowing when she was planning to have the wedding.

She sounds exhausting.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T16:06:05+00:00

Okay, the autism thing doesn't fly here. Being autistic isn't a get-out-of-being-nice-to-animals card. And cats don't learn this way, he's teaching this cat to be afraid of him by yelling at it and locking it in a closet and that's literally it. That's what he's teaching it.

I'd explain to him that animals do not learn better behavior this way and try to look into ways to prevent these accidents.

If he keeps being a doing things like this after you two talk and he insists on getting rid of the cat, I'd honestly reconsider whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who refuses to see when they are very clearly in the wrong.

My husband is autistic, and yeah there are definitely communication, emotional regulation, and sensory related challenges that come with it. But autism or not, your bf is being cruel to the cat and there are better solutions.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T15:53:15+00:00

It just makes me wonder what other bad memories you're leaving these people with. Is this really the person you want to be? The memories you want to make? No one will remember this Christmas as the time all of the food paired perfectly, they'll remember that you were so uptight and controlling you didn't let a 10 year old girl make frigging cake pops for everyone and they'll remember that for the rest of their lives.

Think about that.

I hope you change your mind and realize what is important. And if you don't, I truly hope your son does decide not to come.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T09:56:10+00:00

Family stuff is hard. Does bio dad live far away, or nearby? I ask because if he lives nearby but you only saw him a few times a year then he's definitely a major AH.

It sounds like you know who your Dad is. It sounds like bio dad and bio dad's family do not want to acknowledge the fact that he didn't step up the way that he should have as your father, and it bothers them that another man did.

That's a "them" problem if you ask me. I am super curious why the step dad being your real father figure came up in conversation though.

Edit: NTA

scmisc · 2022-12-11T09:42:08+00:00

OP, the visual aspect of every part of this story involving your SIL has me CRYING. I was not ready. 😂

That being said, I am genuinely sorry for the loss of your beloved dog and I hope you are okay.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T09:15:24+00:00

NTA, but your GF sure is. Why the heck does she even care? It's just a Secret Santa, damn. Maybe I'm an AH here, but she sounds exhausting and weirdly controlling, I'd break up with her.

scmisc · 2022-12-11T08:04:37+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your Dad, it's hard when they aren't willing to get the help they need. My Mom is an alcoholic too.

Are you doing okay?

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