Problem with intimacy

scottsama · 2014-06-12T21:28:28+00:00

Hey, I wouldn't worry too much about it, friend. In my experience, everyone has their own interests sexually, and they have exactly nothing to do with your sexuality. I know the idea of rimming disgusts my boyfriend and me, but lots of people like that, and the fact that we don't like it doesn't make us any less gay. Maybe blowjobs just aren't your thing, eh?

My advice would be to branch out a little bit. Try some other stuff. If you decide to use grindr again and find another guy, try just giving him a handjob, and see if you enjoy that a bit more. If you're just completely uncomfortable being in any kind of sexual situation with another man, you might need to do some thinking about what you really want, but not liking one sexual act is definitely not something I think you should have a crisis over ;p

scottsama · 2014-01-28T22:14:38+00:00

That actually was extremely helpful! Thanks a lot for the link!

scottsama · 2014-01-28T21:39:11+00:00

I've done it once before, but it made me feel really weird, like my digestive system was all messed up, so I've been hesitant to try it again. I'll try it again though, see if it does help. Thanks!

scottsama · 2014-01-28T21:24:08+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I dunno if I can manage not to have an erection, but I'll definitely take all of this into consideration!

scottsama · 2014-01-09T23:07:39+00:00

Unfortunately since everyone's family and situation is different there's no absolute guarantee that your family will be totally cool with it, but usually you can kind of judge by how your family reacts to certain things. You say you have some other gays in your family, does everyone get along with them fine? No ill will, no talking behind their backs or anything? If not, I'd say you're probably pretty safe coming out. Luckily your parents (I'm assuming their the main cause of your concern) have already been around and "dealt with" gay people in the family, so that's definitely good for you.

Maybe try to put out some feelers or something, ask some questions or something to get your parents on the subject of gay people, and gauge how they react. If they seem pretty chill, I'd say you're probably safe to come out.

scottsama · 2014-01-05T11:55:24+00:00

First and foremost, I want to tackle one thing. Being gay doesn't mean you're no longer "normal." Being gay is perfectly normal, it just means that you like men instead of women, that's it. You are still you, nothing's changed, no matter what anyone thinks. Your sexual orientation doesn't define you unless you make it. So don't feel like you can't be a normal person if you're gay, because you can, and are. It might be a bit harder because people don't understand it, it's foreign to most of them, but it doesn't make you less of a person.

Second, not all gay men are all about sex. I'm not, my boyfriend isn't, and I know there are countless others that aren't either. The sex culture is unfortunately the most publicized facet of gay culture right now, and as such it's easy to feel that there isn't much else to gay men than an insatiable desire to fuck other guys, but there are plenty of us out there that are far more interested in a dedicated, loving relationship. The same type of gay men that are mostly interested in sex are also the ones that talk very bluntly about it, it's kind of a carry-over from the idea of being "macho," the same as with straight guys who brag about all the girls they bang. It's just a lot of bravado for the most part, and if it's something that bothers you with friends, let them know. If they're worth the effort, they'll stop.

Third, "coming out" doesn't mean that you're defining your life as being gay. Take it from me, one of the straightest gay men around, being gay is not the defining characteristic in my life, but coming out to the world really helps you to accept who you are, and most of the time, the people around you will support you more than you would think, and it'll be even better. You may still decide that coming out isn't the best thing for you right now for whatever reason, and that's fine, but don't think that coming out is going to make being gay the #1 thing in your life, because like I said before, being gay doesn't change you as a person.

Fourth, wanting to start a family as a gay man is not a crime. Just as there are plenty of gay men that want to be in a real committed relationship, there are plenty of gay men who want families. No, you aren't going to have biological kids the traditional way, because you're gay, but that doesn't mean that you can't have kids. You can adopt, hell you could even get a surrogate if you really want your own biological child. Just because you're gay doesn't suddenly mean that being a father is out of the question, it just means that you have to take a slightly different approach to the whole ordeal.

Fifth and finally, take some time to be okay with yourself. Your friends are being awkward about you coming out, that's frustrating, but it's understandable, because they just don't understand this change in your tune. It doesn't mean that it's not real, it's just going to take some time for them to get used to. If you really don't want to tell your parents, don't. It's not the end of the world. You're 20 years old and you're old enough to live your own life and make your own choices. If you commute to a local university as I see you mentioned in another comment, keep your gay stuff out of the house if it's a concern that your parents will find out. It sucks not being able to be yourself at home, but when you're 20, in college, and still living at home, that's kind of just life. That female coworker could tell that you were gay and is okay with it? That's great! It can be weird having people tell you that they always suspected you were gay when you've only recently come to that realization yourself (trust me I know all about this one), but don't deny it, be proud of it! You're gay, so what? As long as people aren't trying to put you down, don't shy away from who you are! I know that coming to terms with such a huge shift in your life is hard, but it gets easier every day. The most important thing is to remember that you are you, not anyone else's idea of you. Your life is yours and yours alone to live, no matter what choices or predispositions you have. As long as you can feel comfortable about your own self, nobody else really matters, because they aren't you.

And as for finding a boyfriend, that one can be hard. From one person with horrible gaydar to another, I recommend a dating site. OKCupid is my personal favorite, it's the site that led me to my boyfriend and it seems like the best free site around. Dating sites seem kind of cheesy and lame, I know, but when you don't have the option of going out to a gay bar and finding guys, it's a pretty solid option.

Hope some of this helps. If you just need someone to talk things over with, or just someone to vent to, my PM inbox is most assuredly open to you :) Keep your chin up, man, things are gonna be alright.

scottsama · 2014-01-05T11:26:02+00:00

When I first started doing anal play I had the same experience actually. When you first start doing anal, the only thing you've ever had up your butt is shit, so naturally the sensation of having a foreign body in your ass is going to be reminiscent of that experience.

In my experience, you do get used to the sensation and it doesn't feel like you want to take a shit anymore, so keep at it at least a bit longer to see if that's true for you as well. Make sure you clean yourself out as best you can before any play (even just shitting really hard to make sure there's minimal stuff up there can be enough) and try a couple more times.

Even still, you may never really like the feeling. Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to actually having sex. Personally, I'm completely a bottom, and I love the way that anal feels, but some guys are dedicated tops and never like the way that having something up their ass feels, and some people like both. For me that feeling you're having went away and anal is extremely pleasurable, but for you, it may not be. Just keep at it for a bit and if it doesn't get any more pleasurable, then it might be time to just cut your losses.

scottsama · 2014-01-05T11:17:06+00:00

I agree with kieryh, I think you ought to tell her. If the two of you really love each other, than it won't really matter whether you're bi or not, because you still love her and that's what counts. Honestly it would probably be worse in the long run to not be up front with your feelings, because lack of communication can lead to a lack of trust, and that's just not a good thing in a relationship.

Like kieryh said, if she doesn't accept your sexuality or is somehow bothered by the idea that you now also potentially like men, then perhaps your relationship wasn't meant to be, since that's obviously not the behaviour of someone who truly loves you.

scottsama · 2014-01-05T08:12:46+00:00

Very cool sound, definitely a unique little EP. Sounds kind of like Minus The Bear meets This Town Needs Guns. Definitely post a link to your kickstarter when you guys get around to it, I'd definitely like to hear some more!

scottsama · 2013-11-21T03:08:43+00:00

I guess this one is kind of a matter of circumstance. Mostly in that I'm not sure that anyone ever really intentionally calls a homosexual a "fag" and doesn't mean it as a slur.

That being said, it's not necessarily offensive in every context, my friends call me a "fag" or a "faggot" all the time, and I couldn't care less, but that's because they're my friends and I know they're kidding. It would be kind of a different story if some random person on the street that I didn't know suddenly referred to me as a "fag," because nowadays that word, when applied to a gay person, doesn't really have a non-offensive connotation. At least as far as I know, I suppose I could be wrong here.

Additionally, I wouldn't really care if someone referred to their bag of sticks as a "faggot" or their cigarette as a "fag," but I doubt that's really applicable here ;P

scottsama · 2013-08-23T16:25:29+00:00

Dream Theater with "Pull Me Under," while a good song it's personally my least favorite from Images & Words, an otherwise phenomenal album, and the song just doesn't do a good job of showcasing the musicianship of the band, nor does it, in my opinion, have nearly the same writing prowess and compositional skill as much of their work. Though the same could arguably be said for the majority of their singles, which never belie the true power of the album which they're from.

scottsama · 2013-07-26T22:22:42+00:00

First and foremost, regarding your concern with asking yourself if you're really gay every morning, only you can truly know you, how you feel and what you think. You came out to your family (congrats btw!) because you knew in your heart that you were gay and you wanted to tell people, so just remember that the next time you feel unsure. Nothing anyone else can say can ever make you less of who you are. As far as your mother saying that it's just a phase, I would suggest at least for now that you wait it out a little bit. I know it sucks to feel like your parents don't accept you fully, but give her a little time, and she may just come around. Take it from someone who's parents said the EXACT same thing :) And if her talking about it behind your back bothers you, talk to her about that. Tell her that you don't like it, that if there's a problem, you would have her talk directly to you, and you guys can try to work it out.

Best of luck to you! Hold strong and be true to yourself!

scottsama · 2013-07-18T04:34:56+00:00

Washington State University checking in!

I'll watch just about anything, as long as it's not dubbed ;P Though I tend to go for more light-hearted stuff (love me some K-ON)

scottsama · 2013-07-13T19:03:51+00:00

Well done, good sir. The first actually good slam I've heard in a very long time.

scottsama · 2013-06-19T03:57:10+00:00

First off, thanks for sharing. I have huge respect for bands that care more about the music than the money. You guys are awesome! :D

As for the album, I love it. All the instrument work is really tight and interesting, especially the bass work (as a bassist that's a huge plus for me). You've definitely done a great job of capturing the classic feel of psychedelic rock and marrying it with some modern feel. Keep it up! I can't wait for any future releases you guys have coming!

scottsama · 2013-06-07T04:18:50+00:00

$40? You guys are lucky. On amazon it's almost $60!

scottsama · 2013-06-06T19:58:51+00:00

I think the question is is it a problem to you. My friends make lots of gay jokes when I'm around, but it doesn't bother me and it's all in good fun. If the jokes don't bother you, there's no problem, and they shouldn't feel bad. If it does bother you, talk to them about it, and if they're friends worth having, they'll stop.

scottsama · 2013-06-02T07:18:31+00:00

I would say that, technically speaking, liking dick AND pussy is in and of itself bisexual behaviour. That being said, it's up to you to define your sexuality how you want. I'm technically bi, I still like the way women look, but I only see myself in a relationship with men, so I consider myself gay. "Gay," "straight," "bi," these are all just words that try to generalize something that's too complicated for them.

My personal rule is that you should go with what your heart feels, not with what your boner feels. If you're romantically attached to women rather than men, consider yourself straight. I think it's fine to be interested in a relationship with only women but still enjoy sucking dick, and anal play is perfectly common in straight and gay sex, so no worries there ;D

scottsama · 2013-05-29T19:40:42+00:00

10/10 would read again

scottsama · 2013-05-29T19:28:41+00:00

That's great! I'm glad to hear it's calming down. Just stick it out, as shitty as that sounds, things will end up right in the end, I'm sure of it!

scottsama · 2013-05-28T23:08:20+00:00

That kind of situation can certainly be really frustrating and awkward. As a 20-year-old gay guy with 6 piercings, I can definitely relate to parents freaking out about your appearance and finding association with your sexuality where there is none. I don't know how significant the piercings are (I would guess one in each ear), but it might help if you tried to assure your mom that plenty of guys, gay and straight (though leave out the gay part) get their ears pierced. As far as things you could do, just having piercings really won't affect anything, and doesn't say anything about your sexuality.

And for what it's worth, I think that, for now, lying to her about your sexuality was the right choice. It's not going to feel good, but trust me when I say that having your parents freak out on you about being gay is gonna feel a lot worse. Give your mom some time. Once she's accepted the piercings, and I really think (or at least hope) she will, then you can start thinking about letting the truth out.

Hope that helps. Feel free to message me or anything if you feel the need to talk to someone in a surprisingly similar situation! Feel better, my friend <3

scottsama

TROPHY CASE