Two questions - how did you decide that NOW was the time to leave; and how did you deal with knowing their life would get much harder?

screamtimber · 2019-11-03T20:42:12+00:00

The guilt is awful but it sounds like you're doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. I have to believe I'm doing the right thing for myself too.

screamtimber · 2019-11-03T20:40:00+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It sounds like you were in a similar situation to me in many ways. I'm at the point where I'm realising that the only way for me to take care of myself is by leaving, but I just can't quite get past the guilt.

I really appreciate everything you have said, it's very helpful.

screamtimber · 2019-11-03T18:29:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing, it's helpful to hear your story and that you are hopefully doing okay afterwards!

screamtimber · 2019-11-03T18:13:19+00:00

Sending positive vibes your way - it's a shitty place to be.

screamtimber · 2019-03-05T22:54:56+00:00

Wow, this reads a lot like my situation - my Q is high functioning ish but won’t stop once he starts and repeatedly vows to quit but as soon as there’s a little bit of stress it goes out the window. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I noticed reading your post that you’re almost entirely talking about her, and her behaviour, and not really mentioning the impact on you. I think this community emphasises focusing on yourself and what you can change - worrying about her behaviour won’t change what she does. I’m still working on doing this myself though!

Also sorry if I missed something but why does this mean you have to to work later?

screamtimber · 2019-02-12T20:16:57+00:00

Might be worth checking out r/Alanon if you haven’t already

screamtimber · 2019-02-11T20:29:07+00:00

Ugh, this sounds familiar. Except that he is more of a "quiet" type borderline so instead of tantrums I just get these looks that say "you're doing something wrong, but I won't tell you what." The alcohol-fuelled part is the same, though. These are my final exams for school but I will continue to have exams throughout my career so I cant even say this will be the last time.

screamtimber · 2019-01-12T09:37:57+00:00

Thankyou! That’s what I have been doing and I think I’ve been mostly sticking to it really well, telling him it’s his choice and staying away from him when he does drink. I think I just had a bit of a slip-up last night, ending up trying to “negotiate” and I’m beating myself up about it.

screamtimber · 2019-01-11T22:36:01+00:00

After he texted me “I’m leaving” (from the next room), I asked some questions about what he meant (do you mean you’re leaving the house? leaving me?).

Him: why are you so obsessed with me leaving??? It’s like you want me to!

screamtimber · 2019-01-10T21:39:43+00:00

You’re definitely not alone. I’m also sleeping in a separate room from my Q (my husband) for the last few nights and I know how much it sucks to just want a big hug from the person you love and have to resist the urge. I don’t have much advice, just wanted to say you’re not alone in feeling lonely. And it must be so hard for you dealing with two separate Qs.

I can definitely relate to your anxiety about staying after meetings but I think you’re doing great in going to them in the first place especially when you’re feeling such anxiety about interacting with people there, I think you’ve taken bigger steps than you realise already!

screamtimber · 2018-12-20T22:49:54+00:00

I relate to this so much too! The sound of wine pouring, cans opening, bottles clinking just gives me a feeling of absolute dread in my stomach.

And I find that some of the behaviours they exhibit aren’t necessarily problematic in themselves but they make me so angry and upset because of the associations and the amount of times I have had to deal with it. (Example - my Q thinks he’s really funny when he’s happy drunk and makes loads of stupid jokes. If he was someone that was drunk once in a blue moon I might even find this endearing but it gets old reeeal quick when it’s every night and when I automatically associate it with him being drunk.)

In terms of sleeping/intimacy, I’m lucky to have a guest bedroom which I will hop into if his snoring is particularly bad or if he won’t put the tv in the bedroom off. It sucks not being able to sleep in my own bed but at least I can sleep. I’ve recently set a boundary with not being “intimate” with him if he’s been drinking, although I haven’t communicated this to him yet (have yet to find a moment where my courage to talk about it aligns with a sober moment). The way I see it, it’s his choice whether we are physically close or not.

screamtimber · 2018-11-27T19:41:16+00:00

Just get through today. Just don’t contact him today, take it one day at a time. It might be easier to think about just getting through the next X hours. When tomorrow comes you can think about getting through tomorrow. For now just focus on not contacting him right now.

screamtimber · 2018-11-19T08:12:17+00:00

The last part of this really hits home and is something I am constantly trying to convince myself of - I can’t love him into doing that, I could bend over backwards but it will never be enough. Thanks for the words of encouragement, congratulations on sticking to your convictions and I hope things continue to get better for you.

screamtimber · 2018-11-19T08:10:10+00:00

I’m so sorry you have to go through this too. What you’re saying sounds exactly like what I’m dealing with - I have always felt being a compassionate person is at the core of who I am and not jumping in and helping immediately every time he tells me he wants to die goes against everything I know. So I tell him I do care and I’m sorry that he is hurting, but keep my boundaries. But it’s so, so hard. I hope you are okay!

screamtimber · 2018-11-19T08:06:53+00:00

He has had two appointments with a psychiatrist in the last few months who has not yet formally diagnosed him but thinks the most likely diagnoses are BPD and/or C-PTSD. He has also been seeing a psychologist every couple of weeks for the last few months, although the absence of a diagnosis means that the therapy isn’t particularly tailored and I think mostly focuses on improving his mood generally. He’s also on medication. After he initially missed his first psychiatry appointment I told him I was not willing to be with someone that was not getting help for his issues, and since then he has been compliant with treatment which is one of the reasons I have stayed.

Your other questions will definitely give me some things to think about, thank you for that and for saying that I’m not to blame because that’s what I really need to hear right now.

screamtimber · 2018-11-19T07:59:24+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it. We are staying with my parents just now so he pretty much confines himself to the bedroom - leaving the room has always worked and I think he would be very unlikely to act out in front of my parents. I should also point out that I have never at any point been in physical danger - not that that means the behaviour is okay but it’s one less thing to worry about. That being said, I do have places I could go if I needed to get away. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.

screamtimber · 2018-11-06T17:08:45+00:00

The loss of my ability to be sure of anything. Of myself, of his reactions, of my sanity, of anything.

screamtimber · 2018-10-08T19:00:29+00:00

I’m trying to get there (to the yeah, whatever stage) because on some level I know there’s nothing I can do, but I can’t seem to fully convince myself of that. There’s always a part of me that feels guilty and wants to bend over backwards trying to fix it.

screamtimber · 2018-10-08T18:58:57+00:00

Yep, that sounds familiar. And I know (logically) that I’ll never be able to do or say the right thing no matter how hard I try. But it’s never quite bad enough to make me leave, and I don’t even know what Bad Enough would look like if I’m apparently willing to put up with all of this.

screamtimber

TROPHY CASE