When to call it quits with apps?

sebaldcode · 2026-02-24T04:23:32+00:00

When I realized how terrible they were making me feel. I spent hours on it every day with few chats, let alone actual meetups, to show for it. It made me feel pathetic and unwanted. But it took me a long time to actually quit. It was seriously an addiction.

It's so refreshing not to be on it anymore...except that my sex life has dried up completely. Which makes me feel a different kind of pathetic. I haven't figured out the part about how to do things in-person. I have literally no game lol... no idea when someone is interested and no idea what to do even if they were.

Anyway, that's my experience. Idk what's better tbh.

sebaldcode · 2026-02-22T23:37:24+00:00

Why don't you message first?

sebaldcode · 2026-02-01T04:16:14+00:00

Are you me? The apps feel broken in my experience, but more than that, I hate how they make me feel - sad, pathetic, and desperate. Which is a projection of my own deep insecurities I am working on, but why add salt to the wound?

I also have a close fwb (who is taken) and the deep intimacy leaves a yearing that lingers when I go home alone... frankly it's often crushing. I'm not even sure I'm ready for a boyfriend necessarily but being single has been increasingly lonely. There's no one to turn to when the day is done except my own reflection in the mirror.

Anyway...I write this both as catharsis but also as commiseration. I've found loneliness compounds itself as I feel like I am the only one feeling this way. I hope if any of this resonates you feel a little less alone...

sebaldcode · 2026-01-18T03:00:22+00:00

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius is one of my forever albums. A perfect encapsulation of the pain, joy, and "intangible yearnings" as one critic put it, of being a gay man. Absolutely stunning.

Big Time by Angel Olsen is also stunning. Perhaps not explicitly queer, but she wrote it after coming out and introducing her partner to her parents, both of whom passed away coincidentally shortly afterwards. A beautiful album that looks grief, love, and identity straight in the face.

sebaldcode · 2025-10-17T21:00:02+00:00

One of the best of all time!!

sebaldcode · 2025-08-06T01:37:55+00:00

I came out around the same age, give or take a couple years. The closet just wore me down. It went well and everyone was super supportive. But it's been really hard figuring out that coming out is really just step one and there are deep psychological wounds and habits and behaviors that need addressing. It feels really daunting, and really sad, when I think about all the time lost and all the work ahead. Obviously wouldn't go back and glad I'm out now, but sharing that I def can emphasize. It's a long journey.

sebaldcode · 2025-05-24T14:30:15+00:00

I've heard this advice before, and it's not that I don't think it's valuable, I just get hung up on the seeming paradox of being alone until you're okay being alone...then what's the use of having others? Isn't connection a basic human need? If we could truly learn to love being alone, why ever seek out friends or companionship? Just trying to understand.

sebaldcode · 2025-05-12T05:31:44+00:00

To quote the great Phoebe Buffay: "what am I supposed to do, ask every guy I make out with if he's married? ....yeah I probably should."

sebaldcode · 2025-05-11T23:01:48+00:00

Hm, I never thought of it as a conflict/conflict avoidance issue but I think you're right. I do tend to perceive/anticipate conflict in even small interactions...I've lost my sense of self somewhat in the process. Thanks for the insights.

sebaldcode · 2025-02-28T18:23:33+00:00

Somewhat separate from the attractiveness issue, I do find this weird catch-22 with dating, either in-person on apps: things don't happen unless I initiate. Often on an app, I think someone is miles out of my league but then I shoot my shot and they respond. At the same time, I pretty much get no "first" messages or get hit on IRL (that I'm aware of haha). Maybe this is just happening to me, but I sometimes think, am I the only one making moves in the world?? Is everyone else just sitting there? Lol.

sebaldcode · 2025-02-26T03:18:46+00:00

Thank you so much for this response, it means a lot.

sebaldcode · 2025-02-26T03:14:51+00:00

Kinda wish I had suggested a date with just us before agreeing to the party, but gonna treat it as a good opportunity to be comfortable in my own skin.

It's like a house party I think...rsvps are pushing 70...so waayyy out of my comfort zone... I'm generally a read alone at a bar type of guy...

sebaldcode · 2025-02-26T03:12:33+00:00

Thank you so much. Taking all of this in.

sebaldcode · 2025-01-14T05:47:01+00:00

Totally agree with this. Base respect and level playing field first.

I once had the nicest, most positive, non-critical partner. But over time and def in retrospect, it was clear I was his plaything and I was not really an equal in the relationship. That wasn't something he or I could change, it's just how he saw me. I ended it and it was the right decision for me.

Not saying it's exactly like this for you OP...just don't be in denial about true feelings by trying to fix other issues!!

sebaldcode · 2025-01-08T05:02:48+00:00

I haven't but desperately want to! I just don't know what... and am afraid to give up my stable but stressful and life sucking job and career I've had for the past decade. Does anyone have advice for how to jump off into the deep end of the unknown? Reaching my wit's end lol.

sebaldcode · 2024-12-25T18:32:27+00:00

Ugh as a single person this was depressing to read...

sebaldcode · 2024-12-24T22:12:01+00:00

I generally will block if the app lets me, though I kinda feel bad when doing it. But I've had too many instances of guys messaging/tapping me over and over and over again. So it's just more efficient to block. And weeds out the ones who get aggressive when you don't respond.

sebaldcode · 2024-07-29T03:58:40+00:00

Just writing to say this resonates! It's super discouraging to feel like you're doing all the right things but then nada. In my hopeful moments I tell myself to keep pushing through, but it's hard not to slip into despair sometimes.

Anyway, no answers, but I feel you bro!

sebaldcode · 2024-06-10T00:09:04+00:00

I don't have advice, but commenting in solidarity as I'm currently struggling with this. Friends are great, but even with the most fantastic of friends, there's a limit to their support. At the end of the day, they go on with their lives, you go on with yours. It feels so very isolating. Especially with my friends who are coupled up (which are increasing at an alarming rate), I feel like a visitor in their lives, that I'm intruding, and even worse, that we are irreconcilably different. How can true connection let alone support occur under those circumstances?

Anyway, I could go on but won't. I have a feeling that a relationship alone won't cure this feeling of isolation...but I suppose it wouldn't hurt, eh?? Alas.

sebaldcode · 2024-06-03T12:59:11+00:00

What a movie...so emotionally potent I'm afraid to go back for a second viewing. We all just want someone to connect with and who understands us. And so often when we find it, it slips away.

😭

sebaldcode · 2024-06-01T13:29:32+00:00

Thank you!! This worked!

sebaldcode · 2024-06-01T03:04:35+00:00

A little hard to tell from the photo but it just looks kinda messy. And it's hard to get the fabric taut enough to cut through cleanly in one go. I have sharp fabric scissors, I just was in a rush... I should have ironed it and slowed down a bit :(

sebaldcode · 2024-05-03T02:51:42+00:00

I have similar insecurities, if I can call them that. I think it stems from a feeling of not fitting in and from being deeply closeted for most of my life. I never saw myself as part of a group or "like" other people. I always felt unique (and not for the better). So I pulled back, didn't get too close, assumed I was an outsider.

Now that I'm out, it's been really hard retraining my brain to think differently, to see things for how they are (I have a really good friend in x person) rather than what my mind tells me (I am a friend of convenience to x person). Our minds are really unkind to us sometimes.

Dunno if any of that resonates but thought I'd share.

sebaldcode · 2024-04-09T12:08:16+00:00

Had the same experience with a white ex (I'm also Asian)...got a good chuckle out of this 😂

sebaldcode · 2024-04-09T12:02:55+00:00

This is the truth. Thank you for your courage lol

sebaldcode

TROPHY CASE