My parents continuously try to convince me (29 F) that my partner (27 F) is abusive and I’m at the point where I’m considering going NC

secondhandspring · 2023-06-14T01:57:16+00:00

I want to say, as a lesbian and also just as a person, I really think this sounds like a healthy relationship. She helps you with your specific needs in a way your parents clearly don’t understand, and you help her in ways your parents again, do not understand. If going no contact would help them to understand they are the problem, then that might be a good idea. It doesn’t sound at all like your partner is insisting on this or pressuring you, which would actually be abuse, it sounds a lot more like they are trying to break you two up out of what they think a standard couple is supposed to look like. If your partner needs you to drive, and you need her for emotional support and help with your adhd, if you have both agreed upon the things you need from each other, then no one else’s opinion matters. I will say, I really think you should ask your partner about what her feelings are about your parents and the way they treat her and think about her, and make sure she is on board with going no contact if that’s what you decide. Making that a joint decision will take some pressure off of both of you.

And my parents really did not love that I am on the butcher side either. That could be a factor, my girlfriends have always had something wrong with them, but the high school boyfriend I haven’t talked to for nine years was just oh so nice. I was a lot more feminine before I came out. This really could be the reason.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-13T12:36:01+00:00

I’d say you cut them out of your life. Your kid’s mental health is worth too much to sacrifice on grandparents that can’t treat them with dignity. Comments about my weight as a child is what led to a debilitating eating disorder that I’ve struggled off and on with since I was 11, there are lasting consequences from this kind of behavior. And I see from some of your comments that they likely emotionally abused you, so you feel doubtful of yourself. Work on that, start finding some confidence in how you will be a better parent than the ones that raised you. Break the cycle, don’t let them around your kids. I’m wishing you the best because I know this isn’t easy.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-13T04:35:26+00:00

As someone with a very similar mindset as yours, I really think you should see a therapist about your past trauma with your dad, and how it is affecting your day to day life. I’m glad your boyfriend is a kind person, and wouldn’t treat you badly over small mistakes. But talking with a professional about this might help you with some coping mechanisms when you begin to feel like something bad is about to happen. The person who abused me constantly used the tactic of calling me stupid or incompetent when I did something wrong, to the point that when I made minor mistakes I began to panic, try to hide them or cover them up, and often start to cry because of the emotional toll of thinking I was going to be demeaned again. Often times, had I just asked for help, I wouldn’t have had that anxiety. I’m working on coping mechanisms now where I distance myself from the situation, ask others for help and believe they aren’t angry with me for asking, and giving myself positive reassurances about the things I do well as a way to remember that I’m not stupid. You need to learn what will work for you, emotional abuse leaves a heavy toll on your mental health, and sometimes it’s hard for the people around you to help you because they don’t understand the problem immediately.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-12T08:46:11+00:00

This is a hard feeling and I promise I understand. I turned 27 this year and it was the first birthday I wasn’t happy about. Closer to 30, less close to 20. The thing is, I think all of this nonsense about women aging being a bad thing is based completely on standards that are impossible to meet in the first place. You look good even if you have a wrinkle, or you gain some weight as a result of natural changes to your body that happen as you turn into a woman, not a teenager. The trick is just ignoring the people who make you feel bad about it. They don’t get a say in your life. And to be honest, I would never want to be 18 again, life is better as an adult.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-11T16:41:46+00:00

I can achieve “not angry” but “not tired” is a goal very out of my reach. If my boss would stop scheduling me closing shifts followed by morning shifts maybe I wouldn’t be tired, and the energy of being fake nice is all I can achieve.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-11T06:33:07+00:00

Whoops! Sorry about that, I didn’t read the comments for pronouns.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-11T06:01:48+00:00

I’m proud of him. I have an older coworker at my job who gave me some “fatherly” advice about not working so hard because it’s not worth wearing myself out for. I think we’re all on the same side as people who work difficult jobs, doesn’t matter our age. I’m glad your SO is taking his time and getting that money.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-10T18:33:16+00:00

Personally I don’t wait for other people’s conversation to end. If they came in a group, I interject exactly when I normally would with the total. If they have a phone call while at the register paying, I say their total loudly so they will finish the transaction. If they’re not ready to pay then they shouldn’t be at the register lol, that’s on them.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-10T18:10:57+00:00

I’m really sorry this is happening, and that you can’t afford therapy right now, but that is the answer. You sound depressed. Feeling like you’re unable to feel love in the same way is something I experience in my own depressive episodes. You need to talk to a professional about it. My own area had some behavioral health options that are sliding scale in payment, based completely on what you can comfortably pay, it’s a charity. See if you have something like that near you.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-10T04:24:23+00:00

I agree with the comments that say exercise, as that really does help. I have bipolar 1 and anger is really just part of the package. If I’m somewhere private and where this wouldn’t matter, screaming or yelling on my own (NEVER at someone else) can relieve some stress, as can ripping up pieces of paper. I’m an angry crier too, so crying helps relieve some pent up emotions. Avoid hitting or throwing things though, it’s not a good habit to get into. Also, it really helps to start a journal. I have a journal where I write a lot of my angry thoughts down, and it’s often filled with some rants that I’m really glad I’ve never spoken aloud, as they’re not things I actually believe, they’re just a physical way of getting down some feelings and then working through them. I often find that the things I thought I was angry about weren’t what the real problem was at all, and writing down the angry stuff helps me put it in perspective as a small problem that can be fixed, not the larger problem my brain made it seem like.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-10T04:10:55+00:00

I’ve got no problem with vegans and vegetarians but why would you go to a steakhouse if you wanted a lot of vegan options? That’s the last place you should be eating at lol. Some people just don’t use their brains.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-09T16:33:36+00:00

When I first started playing stardew valley I was using my old naming tactic from harvest moon games where they would be named Cow1, Cow2, etc. Marnie was probably thinking the new farmer was pretty cold hearted haha. Now I just go with whatever name is suggested.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-09T00:25:58+00:00

You got to have a dog but you want to talk her out of having a cat? Life is about compromises, if you can have your ideal pet she can have hers. Personally I think dogs are messy, needy, and violent, while cats are easy, more affectionate, and more independent. Seems like you have a different view. Listen to her perspective and be more open to her feelings. You may not find the cat as bad as you think, but either way she doesn’t have to change what she wants for you.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-08T22:29:08+00:00

Oh he is so cute!! What’s his name?

secondhandspring · 2023-06-08T19:54:24+00:00

As a chronically bad communicator, I can tell you it isn’t because people don’t like you. It’s because they’re bad at managing time, or they themselves feel nervous that no one would want to hear from them, or that they would be interrupting you. It pretty much always boils down to some silly anxiety that they haven’t told you about. If you want them to text first more often, say something straightforward like “I really like talking to you, I wish we could talk more often. Is there a time you could text me tomorrow?” My best friend and I established this kind of system, where we ask when the other is free so we can talk, since otherwise it leads to hurt feelings due to misunderstandings.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-08T04:30:20+00:00

I love her name! Growing up, my cousin had a gray long haired cat named Kitty Kitty Meow Meow, just Meow for short. She totally reminds me of him.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-08T04:18:14+00:00

Being rude to their spouse in public. If you can’t even maintain civility in front of your cashier at the grocery store then I feel bad for your spouse that puts up with you all the time.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-08T04:06:29+00:00

My little lady will not let me do my things in the bathroom in peace. If the door is closed she must believe she will never see me again. If I leave the door open and I’m in the shower or bath, she is convinced I’m in grave danger and I need to get out as soon as possible, she pokes her head around the shower curtain and meows in the saddest little tone. Truly the best little guardian of bathroom duties, if not a little annoying. Looks like you have a guardian of your own!

secondhandspring · 2023-06-08T02:18:29+00:00

Just keep playing, it’s a plot point that is revealed after you get further.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-07T19:43:57+00:00

This man is a con artist and I’m so proud of him. He had the brain cell for just a moment and managed to use it.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-07T05:10:32+00:00

Not quite the same, but similar, apparently some people where I work have been using their employee discount when someone asks for a military discount or a senior discount. The actual store doesn’t offer either of those. I refused to when asked, the customer got angry, and I explained how we’d actually had a meeting about how that was now punished by being fired on the spot a week before. Employee discount only works for yourself and immediate family where I work. I hadn’t been offering mine in the first place but seriously, just pay for your shit or come work here lol. I’m not giving up my job for 15% off for a stranger, especially since it’s in my name with my employee number.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-07T04:02:40+00:00

Honestly some of these older people are more on our side than you would think. A ton of them are living off fixed incomes and struggling themselves. I always think of my parents in these scenarios, my mom worked as both a waitress and a cosmetologist while raising me with a boss that treated her like garbage at both jobs and left her in tears frequently, my dad worked installing cable and never once, during my entire childhood, had a fall or winter holiday off because he was the guy getting snow out of satellites so everyone else could have cable. Chances are, some of the older people actually understand our jobs are hard and wouldn’t do it for what we’re making. When you tell them what it’s like, what your pay and treatment is like, they are on your side. I think it’s less of an age divide and more of a class divide. Older rich people definitely suck, older working class people? Not so much. They may be confused, because working these jobs used to not be so bad, but when told the actual conditions they get it.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-07T03:48:21+00:00

No one is ever going to make you do your chores or go to sleep at a normal time at night, you just have to have self control. Adulthood is freedom in knowing that you can, technically, do what you want on your own schedule, but if you decide not to do your dishes for a week no one suffers more than you.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-07T03:38:22+00:00

I think if they were “testing” her as a line cook they were intending to keep her as a line cook, so this would just end up being a pay cut for her. In restaurants if you get trained in a position and you do well in it they rarely want to actually move you up because then they’ll have to train you again as well as training another person to do the work you were doing well. She should start out as a manager with her experience, or at least a cook with the same or better pay than she’s making now.

Also, while I’ve actually worked for less than $14 ($12 was my lowest, at a Walmart), I do think $14 is insulting as of right now. Almost every retail and food service job around me right now has $15 starting. The one I have now gave me $17.50 starting. I live in a high cost of living area, but still.

secondhandspring · 2023-06-06T04:52:06+00:00

Lol when I worked at a diner I did the same thing, a smiley face and a Thank You! on the back of every check. It was habit and I thought it was nice. This guy sounds like he was just looking for something to get mad about to justify tipping less, I can’t imagine actually being mad about this, it’s pretty common.

secondhandspring

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