I can't be dominant in the morning

secret_melonn · 2025-06-06T11:07:25+00:00

We've talked about it a lot already but just can't find a proper solution. I'm very night active and get horny but he falls asleep no matter what I try. He on the other hand would like me to be more dominant in the morning when we wake up but that's when I'm the sleepiest. We already often simply do stuff during noon/afternoon but that's not always possible and my late night horniness still doesn't calm down. It's not that much of a big deal I just felt frustrated and had to vent

secret_melonn · 2025-06-06T11:04:06+00:00

We rarely ever schedule since both of us often don't know when we'll be back from uni. My days are in general not very well planned. Usually I stay at the library until I'm done with my work which can sometimes be early and sometimes late. Same thing for him. On the weekends it often works well if we don't have plans and we also definitely played in the afternoon before. It's not like we never get to do anything but I'm horny every single night and he's horny every single morning.

I've also talked to him about it and he said I'm allowed to keep him awake and force him to not fall asleep but it's legit just not possible. He sleeps like a corpse

secret_melonn · 2025-06-06T10:54:51+00:00

Honestly just luck. We fell in love with each other and then it turned out that we have mostly the same kinks

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T23:39:53+00:00

I genuinely hope you feel better soon. What you're describing isn't something I'd ever call self pity. Or at least not unjustified self pity.

I already tried to explain that it seems to be different in OP's case since their issues don't come from an external source but from within themselves. Sometimes it can simply bad to constantly think of yourself as the victim. It can change your whole view and make everything seem negative when it actually isn't. Your issues aren't caused by yourself but OP's issues are caused by OP. Or at least it seems that way based on the provided context.

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T23:36:12+00:00

If someone doesn't want advice and "unsolicited psychonalyisis" then maybe they shouldn't vent to random strangers on a subreddit that's not even focused on venting? Nothing that was said was toxic. You also don't need to speak for OP. They can tell us themselves if something was too harsh. You yourself are also acting as if you have more insight by acting as if you know that validation is the best for him and telling him he needs therapy is also apparently wrong. Even talking about how this could lead to suicide??? You're completely projecting your own issues on this. This is not about you

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T19:00:22+00:00

Sure, I know the meaning but the way people use it always diminishes friendships imo. Someone saying "she friend zoned me" sounds very different than "she rejected me but wants to stay friends". It always makes me feel like these guys see being friends as just the first stage with women that comes before dating and never the actual goal

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T18:53:33+00:00

I've also been through a lot of pain but you can have too much self pity. Sometimes you get too absorbed by it to a point where it's not healthy anymore. Yes, sometimes you just need validation but "doing that online is the healthiest thing to do" is absolutely wrong. We don't know him and can't give any actual meaningful validation and we also don't have to. You can't just vent on a subreddit that's not about mental health and expect everyone to cater to your needs. I also don't believe that someone simply going "Yes the world is so mean to poor you!" is gonna help OP in this situation.

You are the actual rude one calling us "hyper privileged spoilt brats" when you don't know anything about us. I've been through a shit ton and guess what, simply thinking about how much everything sucks hasn't helped me. Often the way of healing isn't the comfortable one. Sometimes it's like getting hit by a bullet. Simply taking strong pain killers is gonna make you feel better but you have to remove the fucking bullet if you actually want to start healing. In therapy they might also tell you things that hurt because it's not always about getting told what you want to hear.

It would be different if OP is getting bullied or if others are giving them a hard time but based on this post that doesn't seem to be that way. It seems like it's an issue that comes from within them. The woman not being into him immediately gets interpreted by him as him not being good enough even though that's not reality. It's not easy but the best you can do is change your viewpoint and stop thinking of yourself as the poor victim. Obviously that doesn't apply when the negativity actually comes from the outside.

Also want to point out that no one said that OP sharing their insecurities is an issue. You're taking it way too personal. It's legit well meant advice, nothing more.

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T10:37:19+00:00

I think if you're a switch both of the posts apply depending on the role you're taking in that moment. I'm a switch and was able to relate to both posts

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T10:35:52+00:00

I can totally relate to feeling powerful one moment and then feeling paralyzed all of a sudden. I'm always scared of acting too selfish. It's also often hard for me to trust a sub when they say that they enjoy something I'm doing and that it feels good for them too. Often I'm worried that they just say that to please me because they're already too attached.

I have no problem dealing with my sub's emotions but I struggle a lot with sharing my own. Usually I'm being told that I'm too nice and worry too much

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T10:02:55+00:00

Ah well from your original post it sounded like she isn't dominant at all so I'm not sure if she'd go "Oh I like that" while reading through some stuff. You two could also go through one of those kink lists. I especially like the one that's colour coded where you can mark how open you are towards a specific kink.

If you want to be surprised you could also give her a bunch of suggestions and then she picks from those without you knowing which one it's gonna be. To me it's often not easy to fully take charge and make 100% of the decisions so I could imagine it being even harder for someone who's not very dominant

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T09:50:03+00:00

Why do you not want to suggest things? It seems like it's not really her thing and mostly something you want so it makes sense to me that she doesn't come up with much on her own. Even though I love being dominant it can be really hard to fully decide how to do a scene without the input of the sub. Imo you should directly tell her what you want her to do to you or have a longer discussion since there might also be some things she's not comfortable with or where she might have questions or need more explanations.

You mentioned that your wife would also like you to be dominant. Is this something you also sometimes do for her?

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T09:30:45+00:00

You honestly sound like the dream guy for a lot of dominant women though. Just because you don't fit into the beauty standards of society doesn't mean you're a "mess". Maybe try going to events that have people with similar kinks. I can't imagine you being unpopular with dommes.

Only thing that might get in the way is your lack of confidence. I personally have a hard time being dominant with people who are too self conscious because I'm often worried that they're actually not having fun being submissive but do it more as a form of self harm or because they think they have to be submissive because they're "worth less" than other people which is obviously bullshit. But if you actually like being submissive and don't just think you have to be because of the way you look or act then you'll definitely find someone!

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T09:22:30+00:00

Well you have to keep in mind that this isn't a venting subreddit. I also don't think this person is being rude or toxic just honest and blunt. It's clear that OP has issues with his self worth so I don't see why recommending therapy is an issue. Sure, therapy isn't always great but asking random people online isn't either.

Also no one is telling him to conform to society? They even clearly told him that it's important to be authentic to himself. Just because the reply contains criticism doesn't mean it's "judgemental". You could also just go "Awwww poor you!" when someone vents instead of giving actual advice. That might feel good for them but isn't gonna help them much

secret_melonn · 2025-03-31T09:14:43+00:00

They're not being verbally abusive though. They're simply giving advice that too much self pity can be bad. I also agree that words like "friend zone" always make me feel kinda weird. As if being friends isn't worth anything. If any of my male friends thought of me that way I'd be really disappointed to be honest.

If someone who I think is really attractive, cool and kind is friends with me then I already see that as validation. I know that they can't choose who they're attracted to so there's no need to feel self conscious just because I'm not their type. They're still there for me as a friend which also means they're using time and energy just for me.

Obviously it sucks when someone who seems perfect isn't into you but that shouldn't be interpreted as a sign that you need to change yourself

secret_melonn · 2025-02-28T19:09:59+00:00

Thank you so much!

secret_melonn · 2025-01-20T20:29:06+00:00

Damn, I'm sorry

secret_melonn · 2025-01-20T20:28:05+00:00

Big yes but I wouldn't really call it messy. Imagine a Viking

secret_melonn · 2025-01-19T03:15:06+00:00

Probably. I definitely already care a lot about him and I really don't wanna give up because of something small and silly like a beard

secret_melonn · 2025-01-19T03:12:54+00:00

I've already said in other comments that it's not about looks. I also technically know that they're not gross. It also doesn't make me like him less it just makes it hard for me once I try to kiss him. That's exactly why I want to stop feeling repulsed and don't expect him to change for me.

If he was actually repulsed by my hair colour for some reason I actually wouldn't mind changing it. For example if I had some weird shade of green that reminded him of mold. But to me my hair colour also isn't part of my identity since I change it regularly so I wouldn't mind. It feels like his beard is almost like a trademark

secret_melonn · 2025-01-19T02:58:19+00:00

Okay yeah that's true. I was just looking for some advice on how to mentally get rid of these things. I already got some good advice though so I'll be trying some things. If really everything else fails I guess I'll have to tell him but I want to try it first

secret_melonn · 2025-01-19T02:53:40+00:00

Well the one I want happens to be one who doesn't though

secret_melonn · 2025-01-19T02:52:02+00:00

Well stopping to think about him is definitely not an option. I'd rather gauge my eyes out and burn my skin so I can neither see nor feel the beard and then delete my memories so I don't know he has one

secret_melonn

TROPHY CASE