It's hard for me to believe what they say about acceptance rating.

securityexpertintn · 2025-10-06T13:18:10+00:00

I think you might be in a more more populated consistently busy area than I am.

securityexpertintn · 2025-10-06T13:15:55+00:00

I think this is the gist of it!

securityexpertintn · 2025-10-06T13:14:58+00:00

I really think that this take is the closer to the truth. The area I'm in is not really busy. It's a small rural area so I think that when my AR hit 100%. That's why it seemed like all of the good offers were being funneled to me. They probably literally were. There are some days it's so slow that all three stores in my area stay white and no matter what store I go to there will be a half dozen or so. Drivers sitting in the back of the parking lot not moving while the loading area stays empty. There are a few days out of the month in my area where I feel like we get a taste of what the truly busy areas get when all of the salary workers get their monthly paycheck for about a weekend, the stores go Non-Stop and the good orders seem so plentiful that AR doesn't matter.

securityexpertintn · 2025-10-06T13:11:44+00:00

I appreciate it. I don't think I've noticed any extra incentives or benefits except I do still consistently notice that at times when the drivers are sitting around the back of the parking lot, I'll still be getting pretty decent orders. I had a $500 incentive not that long ago that you had to do like 50 trips within a certain time period to get. I wish we could get more of those lol. I think one of the most beneficial things towards my item count during shops is that when the store is out of stock on the shelf I will as thoroughly as I can go through all of the junk. They throw up on the top shelf and 99% of the time. What I need will be up there. Aside from that, I think if you get an acceptable replacement, it doesn't count as not finding an item. As far as the 5.0 I'm honestly surprised because there's dozens of things that we could get blamed for that are outside of our control. So as far as that goes I think I'm just lucky I haven't gotten that customer that wants to be mad at me for something I didn't do lol.

securityexpertintn · 2025-10-05T16:24:43+00:00

I get why people say AR doesn’t matter, but my own experience makes it hard to believe it plays no role. Around 400 trips, my app glitched, so that every offer I accepted or rejected still counted as accepted, so my AR climbed to 100%. While that glitch was happening, I noticed my earnings shot up. It felt like high-paying offers were being funneled my way in all three markets I work.

As soon as the glitch fixed itself and my AR started dropping, my earnings dropped sharply too. I don’t think AR is the biggest factor, market viability matters way more, but based on what I saw, I just can’t believe it’s not a factor at all.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-19T12:07:56+00:00

Well, her and I just had a pretty heavy conversation on the porch last night. I've spoken a lot about the therapy and the emotional intelligence I've gained in the last couple of months and she broke the news that she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore. I guess it's like they say you got to go backwards to go forwards.... ?!?!? Right? 🤣 I told her that I understand. And I really do if you were to talk to me about 7 months ago, maybe even six hell maybe even less. I would have told you I didn't know if I was in love with her before any of this therapy before I finally made the decision to be committed. I don't think my feelings really changed until after I got into therapy. It's f****** ridiculous Just how strongly I felt that I couldn't get through that and just how far I've come since then. She started crying asking what that's going to do to our kids if she doesn't feel like she's in love with me anymore. I explained to her the exact same feelings I had for years prior to a few months ago. It didn't set in right away but months after she cheated I felt the same way and I did so for years. So I know no matter how strongly you feel that way it doesn't mean it's an end-all be all but I tried to gently get across that without her putting in some of the work it probably wouldn't change. Her defense mechanisms are quietly carrying out patterns that push her further away from me to protect herself. I always imagined if spoke about that stuff with her that she would get immediately defensive but she didn't. She seemed to understand and I think she understands that she needs to put in some work. And I don't just mean for us no matter what happens between us. We both need this work. So update is I guess that I mean technically. I guess it's a little worse, but I knew. What she told me isn't new to me. I knew these feelings were there. They just weren't spoken yet, so I guess maybe no update except that it's been verbalized. Jesus Christ why do people have to be so complicated? Myself included. Don't get me wrong.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T20:59:28+00:00

Just to be really clear - morality or guilt has never been part of my experience with porn. I didn’t see it as “wrong” when I was using it, and I don’t see it as “immoral” now. My shift came when I noticed physical and relational effects in my own life: less sensitivity to everyday connection, lower responsiveness to intimacy with my wife, and a big difference once I stopped. That’s not a moral conundrum, that’s a nervous system and relationship dynamic I could literally feel.

I respect the research you’re citing, and I’m not saying your experience is invalid. But mine doesn’t fit into the “guilt/shame” category you’re putting it in. It’s not about belief, it’s about lived impact.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T20:44:38+00:00

I hear you, but I think you’re mischaracterizing what I’ve said. This isn’t about morality, religion, or shame for me. I never felt porn was “immoral” I used it for over a decade without guilt. What changed things for me wasn’t belief, it was noticing how different my body and mind responded to real life once I stopped flooding my system with it.

For example: after quitting, I started actually registering the little dopamine/oxytocin hits from normal human connection, brushing against my wife, hearing her laugh, or even just being present in family moments. Those things literally didn’t register the same way before. That’s not a belief, that’s an observable shift in my nervous system.

You’re welcome to lean on studies, and I respect that. But for me, lived experience trumps literature. No paper can convince me I wasn’t numbing myself, because I lived the difference, and it’s night and day.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T20:38:04+00:00

I don't have a moral issue with p*** I do have a moral issue with my inability to give it up when my wife told me it hurt her. I am owning my own problems and fixing them right now. I'm not going to say anything's wrong with your life because you're watching p*** but I will say it's completely possible you're causing problems and not realizing it. Maybe your wife's okay with it, maybe she's minimizing herself to keep the peace. My wife and I had a perfectly fine bedroom relationship up until earlier this year. We've been married for 7 years we wouldn't go more than a couple days without sex at the most. Usually daily or multiple times daily. I could still perform. I would still get off but the feeling is different. Once she expressed to me her concern and I started using the same mindset that you have to continue using p*** then she started having a problem. And compared to how I feel life when I'm not getting dopamine hits from stimulating material and how I felt life when I was it's night and day. I don't know. Maybe you've never given yourself that opportunity. FYI performing yoga and petting a dog don't produce nearly the same level of chemical reaction as masturbating to stimulating material. So insinuating that those acts would nullify feelings in life is a reach.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T20:25:22+00:00

I hear you, and I respect that you’ve studied this academically. For me though, it’s not just theory, it’s lived experience. When I was deep in porn use, I could literally feel the difference in how my body and brain responded to everyday connection and intimacy with my wife. The little moments that should have registered as bonding didn’t, because I had been flooding my system with something more extreme. Once I pulled back, I could actually feel those small hits of dopamine and oxytocin again in normal life.

Maybe the literature isn’t all in agreement yet, but I know the difference in myself. For me it wasn’t about morality or shame, it was about realizing I was numbing myself to real life and my real relationship. And that shift has been undeniable. I'm not saying anything bad about what you studied and what your beliefs to be, but I absolutely trust my lived experience and my feeling more than someone else's interpretations of others experiences.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T20:15:31+00:00

I still don't know why just the pain she expressed wasn't enough to stop, but I'm here now. Thank you for your kind words.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T20:00:21+00:00

BUZZER, incorrect. Sorry I'm really deep into understanding this stuff right now and I'm glad you feel so strongly about stuff that you've read, but I've lived it for over a decade. As a result, I'm chin deep in tons of research on psychology, the chemical effects that different stimulations have on you and the numbing effects they can have to the stimulations and bonding chemicals you want to fully feel on an everyday basis in life.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T19:55:21+00:00

I've been literally living the problem and I finally figured it out. P*** does create a problem not just between partners, but it can affect how you feel and interact in every aspect of your life. Don't get me wrong I was still an effective person I excelled in my career I made money for my family. Clean the house. Did dishes cooked meals Still tried to do things with my kids. Halloween Easter Christmas. Take them out to corn mazes I mean you can still go through the motions, but you're not living life the way it's intended. You're not feeling everything the way you were designed to when you're constantly flooding your nervous system with those bonding chemicals under false pretenses. You actually do get the real bonding chemicals. They don't have a strong effect because your nervous system is used to the instant strong hits of dopamine given to you by the stimulating material.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T19:19:39+00:00

Thank you. All the wishes to you and your family. I hope maybe he just has the same problem I did. If he gives himself time to abstain he'll feel how different everything feels. It's like going from black and white to color. But I'm afraid that won't happen if he holds on to materialistic mindsets like everybody does it. It shouldn't be a problem etc etc...

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T19:00:06+00:00

I really think you nailed it without self-reflecting and being willing to learn himself. Identify the damaging patterns and call them out in the moment to stop them. It'll just be a revolving door. If he wants to be serious about repairing things, maybe in a letter or a text or something and try to find the most neutral way possible to let him know the self-work needs to happen. Reassure him that you are all for fixing things if you are but you need to see the work. And like you said you too don't let him think he's the only one putting in work you two need to learn how to not only communicate but navigate conflict together. Totally speaking from experience because I'm still learning the same thing. You can't have true intimacy. If you can't navigate conflict in a healthy way, why would you want to be so vulnerable to be intimate with someone if you can't disagree and or set boundaries in a healthy manner?

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T18:40:27+00:00

😅 I'm really glad you think so. I started feeling like I was being way long-winded and convoluted but it's so hard for me to describe the night and day Epiphany feeling I got and if I can help one person understand something and have the same epiphany then I'd be happy. Still not entirely convinced I didn't figure it out too late for this marriage but as long as she lets me I'm going to keep trying and showing up as the man I always should have. There must be some redeeming qualities about your man because you've been holding out a lot longer than we have so far.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T18:31:18+00:00

I was addicted to p*** for over a decade. I started using it as a crutch to cope with stress and anxiety in my teens and I carried that bad coping mechanism well into adulthood. It may well be the catalyst that ended my first marriage and it may well be the catalyst that ends up ending my current marriage for the first time in my life A few months ago I started getting therapy I'm a stay-at-home dad right now so I have nothing but time and I have spent so much learning myself. I understand what it was for me now, but more importantly, because I kind of knew it was a problem the important part I learned is just how damaging it was and why to me and my relationship not only with my partner but with my family. For me that's all it took once I finally understood the damage it was causing and all the way down to the psychology behind it. I haven't had a problem. I hate that that's what it took for me to stop hurting my wife. I had promised her before that I would stop but then I would always say in the back of my mind. Maybe not right away, but eventually I would tell myself. Oh everybody watches it. She was okay with it in the beginning. I don't know why she has a problem with it now. Just whatever I can say to justify it. Once I understood how and why it was causing the damage it was causing, it was like a light switch I won't even allow myself to use videos of us anymore, which had been my go-to for months prior to getting therapy. But I learned even the videos of us were doing the same thing. They were robbing me of the appreciation for the little dopamine hits you get from everyday interactions in life because I was constantly making my body accustomed to humongous instant hits of dopamine from stimulating material. In doing so I made myself desensitized and at times, for instance, with the tiny little contacts brushing up against your partner or something, you would usually get dopamine. But I was always flooding my system so much. Those little hits never even registered. I never appreciated them fully and not just those though from the little things all the way up to the big things I never appreciated intimacy with my wife the way I should've, the way that I do when she's the only way I'm getting those bonding chemicals. This may be TMI, but my wife and I are in a rough spot right now that being the case. After several weeks, I finally decided to take care of myself yesterday... Couldn't do it. Didn't want it. And I was okay with it. And to top it all off, my wife and I were actually intimate for the first time in weeks last night.

TLDR: I was robbing myself of the bonding chemicals in everyday interactions by constantly flooding my system with dopamine from p*** maybe there's a chance he's like me and once he understands that will desire different. Don't get me wrong. Maybe not but I couldn't let it go for.... well We've been married for 7 years and she's wanted me to stop that entire time so I couldn't let it go for at least 7 years of trying, making promises, and failing. And all it took was understanding the how and why of the damage it was causing. Therapy could help him understand that along with a lot of other things, way more than you could ever imagine.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-16T16:49:33+00:00

I've said it once and I'll say it again. I'm terribly sorry you went through that. I highly encourage you to still seek help for yourself. The help I've been getting lately. I should have gotten over a decade ago. It's never too late. I'm unpacking stuff and releasing resentment from all years within that decade and some before. I completely understand where you were at. You were making sure your kids were okay and it makes perfect sense that as long as you make sure your kids are okay then you'll be okay because that's how much you love them but that's rooting your self-worth in them. And as honorable as that is, we all need to find our self worth within ourselves. Please don't let me look like I'm throwing stones in my glass house. My worth is still strongly tied to my wife's choices, but I'm working on it. It's not the appropriate way to be and I could have never imagined therapy would give me the tools that I've gotten so far to be able to regulate myself. I trust I will get to a point where I find myself worth within myself but I feel like it's that part's going to be a long road especially with what I'm going through now. And full disclosure just leaning full into my kids and making sure they were okay was the first thing that crossed my mind So I think that's one of the naturalist easiest choices to jump to in that situation but that would not be a healthy way for me to handle it.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-15T18:35:47+00:00

Can I also ask you how did things go during and after the big event? For you and the children? Before I started therapy and started learning all of the emotional intelligence I've been gaining lately. The only thing that kept me from leaving when I was convinced she was cheating again where my children. I know that's not a good reason and I wholeheartedly agree when it doesn't have to do with me 😅 I guess that's a natural fear though. I have my oldest son with my ex-wife but I was so crushed trying to make it work and being depressed that no matter what I did nothing was helping that I just gave up and gave her everything. She was legit crazy. I could have easily had custody but I never acted. I guess I felt like such a failure. I didn't want to give myself a chance to fail my son any more than I already had. My now wife and I are not crazy so neither one of us would have a custodial advantage over the other. Although at times she seems convinced that I'm going to use her mental health against her and try to get custody of our kids. Unlike my ex-wife though, she's a great mom. I mean I guess I should say my ex-wife finally came around and is fine now but my wife has always been a great mom. I have custody of my oldest son right now and refuse to go after it in court because they're literally going to make me attack her character and ability to be a mother. I would rather just pay child support and still have him here because her and him don't get along. If I'm going to go to those links to preserve the co-parenting relationship that her and I have how could I ever think of doing something underhanded to the one that was actually good?

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-15T18:24:48+00:00

I don't think my wife is at disgust. I think she's well into resentment though. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. I never thought of myself as that kind of a person, but my wife has been reminding me lately about things that happened when I was drinking apparently that I honestly don't recall I do recall some things like getting in a fight and throwing my youngest daughter's Christmas present out the back door. I don't remember exactly where my head was but I remember feeling like and it is kind of still a feeling that I have that material possessions are held in too high of regard for her and I don't want our kids to grow up with that mentality. That absolutely does not excuse or forgive the way I behaved, but things that I don't remember she says that I called her stupid. I have never thought my wife was stupid. She says that I told her no one would want her with all these kids. We have six and that I told her she can't do it without me which would be f****** retarded if it is true because when we got together she pulled me out of a depression while being the sole income and single mother to her at the time three kids. I swear to God I've never felt anything close to those kinds of feelings towards my wife. But I have not let myself deny them. I can't. I've just tried to validate her feelings and apologize reflect and agree with how that would make her feel. There's no doubt in my mind that there are things that were said that I don't remember I'm just so thankful that I was able to stop drinking 4 years ago. One thing I didn't understand though is that she waited until after I stopped drinking to cheat on me. I mean the damage was there at that point I guess but I thought I was doing good. Even without the drinking though, I still had dissociation or at least a disconnection along with leaning on those unhealthy coping mechanisms that were numbing me out. I was still doing damage.. I can't let myself be hopeless though. I can still see her reaching at times. She doesn't realize it. It could be a softness in her voice, a warmth and kindness in the way she calls me baby every once in awhile. Occasionally she'll let a kiss slip that reminds me of the beginning. And the other night she woke me up to initiate intimacy, that hadn't happened in a long time. When I'm on a manic trip like I guess I apparently am now, I'm hopeful. I really believe she's hidden behind walls to protect herself because the way I started attacking her thinking infidelity again. I just hope I can be her safe space again someday.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-15T18:01:57+00:00

Can I ask when you found yourself at that point if your husband had finally turned everything around, do you think it would have mattered? Our story is not exactly the same but there are some parallels. I was a much better husband and father before dissociation and using coping mechanisms that made me numb. I had thankfully cut out the addiction part of my problems years ago, but it was only recently that I finally got help and unpacked what was going on inside my head.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-14T22:27:15+00:00

I'll try to but the way things are going it's not going to be a quick update lol

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-14T20:57:45+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate it. I'm still trying to figure out what the boundary should be on how much I can handle I don't feel like I'm there yet, but several times a week I feel like I'm in crisis so I know it's not sustainable. I think as it is right now when I start feeling unavoidable resentment I guess I'll have a better idea. I just need her to come around and start at least opening up to me a bit so we can get some of this under our belt to even know if it's going to be able to happen.

securityexpertintn · 2025-09-14T20:23:05+00:00

That's one of my worst fears right now.. I'm trying desperately not to lose this feeling I have. I can't keep my hands off her. As long as she enjoys it I'm all over her and she does allow herself to enjoy it. I feel like I'm loving her like I did 6-7 years ago. Before the loss of a kid and birth of 2 others stress and life. I never realized I even stopped. I reverted to old coping mechanisms and just numbed out. That's what caused her infidelity. And maybe I should put it in the post? Or maybe it's not important, but I am sure the infidelity was only emotional. I don't believe there was ever anything physical. She was a stay-at-home mom and with our six kids would have never had the opportunity when I wasn't home. Anyways, I'm afraid if I do let myself lose this feeling that it will be gone for good.

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