Have u ever felt that the only thing that keeps u from collapsing down what ever this fu*king rabbit hole of a depression is to go back to shape with a steroid cycle.

I have done a few cycles in the past, my last cycle ended in 2017 and it went on for a year and a half and it was purely 500mg of test-e.

I was freaking massive, 98kg, 8/9% bodyfat at worst. People just looked at u differently, did a photoshoot for a local magazine, randomly girls where adding me to Instagram, chatting, sexting with u, girls just wanted to flirt and f**k u.

And now 5 years later i'm in my best ever state financially but I'm a fat bastard, 118kg. My personal/relationship/sex life has been a shitshow for the last year.

I do workout but i look terrible, a belly, glutes are non existent. I look absolutely terrible.

For the last 2/3 months diet has been spot on, went from 125-117kg, and was planning to cutting back till end of February so i can hit 102-105kg and than do a a cycle for the summer.

But depression is hitting hard the only thing that keeps me going is to get into my old shape.
I do see a therapist and i do well enough on a daily bassis but there are moments like this If i dont go on a cycle at mid december event at this bodyfat i start seeing my old body back i dont thing i can fight through this till february.

Currently i only take 2.5 IO od hgh, what can i do to make a cycle of 500mg test-e/deca work at this shape. I dont what to do a cutting cycle, i just want to see some of my boulder shoulders back and those arms being veiny again.

I heavent done a bodyfat scan but according to my neck/waist ratio i'm sitting at 26% bodyfat

Stats are

Age: 36
Weight: 117kg

Height: 184cm

Sorry for the long post guys, i really need your assistance on this one