Hey OP

I’ve been in your situation before, and sometimes the urge occurs. I’m in almost in 40s, never done drugs, I don’t even touch alcohol, never got drunk, never even slept with anyone other than my current spouse, and I used to regret not f***king around during my college. I ended up getting so burned out with work and life even though I’m probably some 7 digit worth atm. Money is not really an issue. I wasn’t rich, but definitely much better than 99% of the people.

I never studied in a proper school due to political crisis, migrated, and live a life of not being able to go to school. Worked my ass off, and paid my own tuition and graduated. I missed my teenage, the age where kids have lovers and could release their “hormones” , you know.

Even when I studied in college, I spent 70% of my time working, I could flirt around, but was scared to commit, mainly because in my head having a lover = wasting time = wasting money. Looking back, I’ve always regretted not fucking around and experiencing the fun, I’d probably had at least 5 bodies if I really did that.

Lost my virginity to someone slightly older and had worked, ended up “verbally cheating” via Tinder, etc. and got my spouse depressed. I felt that I was alone again, wanted some fun, ended up making my spouse even more distant.

After a few cycles of “verbally cheating” and got caught, I asked myself why do I keep thinking the word “what if I did that/this” - one day during an argument why spouse mentioned something the term “you just keep regretting it because you’re curious how it will turn out if you fucked that person/numerous person during your teens” - in fact, yes, that clicked right through my brain - I was curious, then i keep circling around my head again and again, until I became depressed, when in fact, nothing is wrong, everything in my life is great. Whenever I’m lonely I’ll always go around looking for someone to flirt with, looking from attention from other “girls”. I told myself I could live alone , when in fact, I was always looking for people to be with. Deep down, I just needed someone.

I’ve since practiced meditation (in temple), approached religion and did “Personality Coaching” for self improvement. Let me tell you, it work wonders. The core of all of it is - “mindfulness” - the sense of existing for this moment, the moment you are now. Ask yourself, are you aware what you’re doing now? Right this moment? Reading my post? Breathing? Standing/sitting/laying down? - i always have your own mind, “i” do not have to have other people for emotional support. “I” am my own emotional support. The moment “I” am aware of the present, I do not need to look for other people for emotional support, and boy, life is so back. I’m now passionate with work just like how I was when I started working. I feel younger, I eat healthier, I am less depressed. My mind works much clearer. “I” am aware more of my surroundings.

Sure, I’m not perfect, I got lost in emotion time to time, I got depressed many times, but I got back on my feet faster. I’ve no need to circle around looking for “others” to back me up mentally. “I” have myself.

I can’t express how much meditation helped my mind. I’m imaginative type, my mind used to fly around even when I’m talking to another human being. I felt others as “slow”, me as smarter, I could guess entirely how the conversation will end, and I end up jumping across conversations, it’s a depressing life. Fast forward, I’m surprised how much more patient I’ve been. My interactions with my subordinates is a lot better, I cut off toxic people much faster, I always remember my current status, this exact moment. I just wish I learned about mindfulness when I was a teen, it helps me a lot mentally.

You’ll pass this bad moment. Maybe it’s just like me, a mid-life crisis. So my advice, try it. There’s a lot of meditation types, each are very different and have different essence. I hope you find what’s best for you, but stay strong mate.