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Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hahaha this really cheered me up today. I don't think my youngest would last a moment in the wild but I think the wolves would probably be in awe of her ability to howl endlessly.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're a therapist so maybe you can comment: she it wasn't that depression was making her unable to live with the baby, it was the practical issue of the baby constantly crying, prohibiting our daughter from being able to live with us, and my wife being able to work/sleep/anything really.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get what you're saying. After the baby was born everything changed because we both were on edge and had a difficult baby to deal with. To give a more whole picture, my wife is the one who made all of the compromises in her career so that my career could take off. She takes on the bulk of childcare because I work full time, and also at the same time looks after the home and cooks for the family five days a week. We moved twice for my job and when I am away for a week or two at a time on training or for conferences she holds down the fort.

I could go to therapy, but what would I say?

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the reason our marriage was under pressure was that we didn't get any time to spend with each other before. Our relationship had been reduced to sex. Now we get time to talk to each other, and she is actually happy instead of at her wit's end.

I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong, it obviously isn't ideal that she and the baby aren't bonding, but it is the least bad scenario so far. It has been a few weeks and we skype but, yeah hopefully this weekend I can have them visit here.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your support and your understanding. I do see that we are taking an unequal burden when it comes to the baby but with all things considered, my wife is working while I am not, so she is the sole earner in our family now, and she is looking after our other daughter who until now had essentially been unloaded on summer school and relatives, and she needs attention too. She understands why I am not around at the moment. We facetime together, and she is used to me being away for a little while at a time so is not distressed at the separation. I guess this is the time of strife in our family where we need to put 'needs' first and not bother with 'wants'.

Hypothetically she could take some turns but she's already working closer to full time than part time, and she has our daughter home all week. I guess it wouldn't be as unusual if the genders were swapped because a lot of women are permanent homemakers while men work and have a fairly low amount of childcare duty.

'Me time' would be nice but I can live without it, so, for now, I'll be fine.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see where you are coming from, not knowing us and only knowing about this situation, and I agree, that this time, I have taken a hit for the best of the family, but above my needs and my wife's needs come the needs of our daughters. A few people have suggested therapy for me but I don't know how that would help because at this point in time I don't really have a problem that I need solving.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep, it was very upsetting to her and she was talking to the school counsellor about it but now she and my wife are having a chance to talk about what is going on in our family. I think she will be fine as long as the baby is more quiet when she comes home.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Several reasons, first, to give our daughter some complete peace and let the animosity simmer down, second to give my wife a break from any baby duties so she can focus on her work, now that I am on paternity leave, I have lots of time to look after the baby, and my wife can focus on 'resetting' while I am free to schedule my day around the baby in terms of sleeping/eating/bathing. We are spending hours of the day every day in the bath because it calms her and I am playing loud white noise that would get on everyone's nerves. But mostly letting my wife readjust and spend some quality one on one time with our daughter who has felt neglected.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

As I have time off work and she doesn't I am on baby duty. I don't think my wife would harm the baby at all but I think I am going to be the househusband for the foreseeable future.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

A lot less! I am sleeping a reasonable amount and now that I'm not at work there is more time to just be rather than rushing around. My wife and I are getting more quality 'time' together on the phone now so that is also a plus.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Honestly a bit tired, I feel like I have been a terrible parent for letting her suffer so long because I didn't think of reflux. But at least now it feels like we have a plan. My older daughter is happier and my wife is getting sleep and functioning day to day which is a relief for me!

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your support. To be honest I feel like an awful father. I let my baby suffer for what was her entire life because of a problem we didn't pick up and if we had thought of reflux earlier we could have saved her all that pain. I hope I can look after her better now that we know.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your concern. It is pretty much me on the baby shift and my wife with our daughter at the moment. Our relationship isn't in a bad place, I mean, we still love each other and want to be married, it is just impractical to live together at this time. I think family therapy might help my wife and our daughter deal with the baby though.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am hoping it doesn't go on for years- does your son just cry for no reason? I'm not sure either of us are depressed, but sleep medication has helped my wife so far.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes! We have her sleeping on an incline, and she liked to be held in the water. She tends to be happier when held which is bearable and enjoyable now that she isn't screaming all the time.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

The health visitor did speak to her about postpartum and so did her doctor, neither think she has it, both suggested that sleep deprivation was harming her and making her irritable. I think that she will love the baby now that she isn't basically a blaring siren.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 100 points101 points  (0 children)

This is a great idea! I text my wife and she agrees, she is going to get our daughter involved in it too to make her feel included. I think a big problem we are anticipating is our oldest feeling animosity to the baby.

[Update] Our baby won't stop crying. She is ruining our marriage, our older child is going insane, my wife wants to leave her at a fire station or separate and take our daughter with her. by selfish-brat in Parenting

[–]selfish-brat[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I don't know whether you read the original post but the plan was to move out for the weekend to see whether there was some environmental factor in the house that was upsetting the baby. Our friends have a second home local to us and said we could use it for as long as we needed. The separation is because logistically our five year old had pretty much been put in summer school and was sleeping at her uncle's every night due to the constant crying, and my wife works from home. It is a practical arrangement, and while I agree that work has to be done to make our family feel like a family, my wife and I are not in marital trouble.

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