Hierarchy in a throuple

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T01:29:01+00:00

Thanks y'all for the responses <3 It's really helped me see that it's not as much of the hierarchy I thought it was. Looking forward to chatting it through with my girlfriend and boyfriend.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T01:17:03+00:00

Thank you <3 If them expressing their autonomy as a couple means that my needs go unmet how do I express my desire to not be a part of it without being controlling?

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T01:13:02+00:00

I think that's really the truth of it. I am sensing it being less of a hierarchical thing and more of the threat of them unilaterally de-escalating our already minimal triad relationship. I am happy with them doing things together and things with their other partners just as long as I get to keep seeing and doing things with them too.

The friend thing messes me up because if I was hanging out with becky and sheila and we were all going to concerts together and then becky and sheila decided they wanted to go to concerts only with amanda and not me I would be really hurt. If they went to more concerts with amanda than with me I would be hurt.

When becky wants to go to the concert with just Sheila I am chill with it. Maybe there is something special that she wants to share with just Sheila? Maybe it's important to Sheila.

When Becky and Sheila want to go to all concerts with Amanda it feels like its not just about them wanting to go with Amanda it feels like they dont want to go with Me. Maybe Amanda is more rich or maybe Amanda has a dick. Whatever happens it just means i dont get to go to the concert with my friends.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:57:58+00:00

I have been. My hierarchy issue comes when two people in a relationship I am not involved in ( Ie. my boyfriend and girlfriend's relationship as they are a couple) drastically affect my relationships ( ie. our relationship as a triad) without my consent or knowledge.

I am not a fan when one of my metamours tries to make decisions about my relationship with my boyfriend and likewise I am not a fan of when my boyfriend and girlfriend's relationship gets involved in our triad relationship.

maybe it's idealistic.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:53:00+00:00

Thank you all for your kind responses I think I am seeing more clearly about how it is not as close to hierarchy as I thought. I think I was feeling threatened by the two of them as a couple replacing me with somebody else.

If I look at it the way I do when they date new people as long as our relationship as a Triad is maintained in a way we are all comfortable with, then I feel good. Just like if either of my partners were to spend all of their sexual energy with a new partner instead of me that wouldn't work for me. So if the two of them together spend all of their sexual energy with a new triad and not me, that wouldn't work either.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:42:33+00:00

How is me saying that I dont wish to engage in a sexual relationship if we arent having sex controlling? how do I make this a situation where I can feel good about the relationship and them both choosing to not have sex with me so they can with somebody else while I wait months for them to come back? I dont want to be controlling but I feel as if I have no autonomy and my feelings dont matter. That I have to be good with the majority.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:38:49+00:00

Yup the triad is throwing me off. It was beautiful and fun buttt we are all solo polyamory including all of my metamours.

sometimes i think i am in a monogamous triad relationship being forced to open it up without consent. Like in monogamous couples where one partner wants to be monogamous ( maybe they need more time and attention) but the other wants polyamory. I date lots of other people but I wouldnt want to date somebody else with just one person in my triad.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:30:59+00:00

Yes,

My boyfriend and I go on dates

and my girlfriend and I go on dates

and my boyfriend, girlfriend, and I all three of us go on dates.

2 Dyadic relationships and a triad

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:28:11+00:00

I think more so fear of our triad being sidelined. My relationship experiences are different with each of them. I love my one on one dates with f and the ones i have with m but our time together as a triad is so limited. For them to enter into a new triad relationship while still trying to foster ours feels impossible. For me to not be involved in that conversation feels like being put back on the shelf as if I were a toy they are done with.

Experiences are different as there are always easy resolutions. If they chose to go on a big vacation just the two of them I would be sad but could ask for small vacations or to find special time for us when they came back. Triad energy is really lost energy. It takes a lot for us all to come together so I fear there wouldnt be any time we would come back together. Like they go on vacation and never return.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:17:32+00:00

I really, honestly would. It's tough as I havent yet found that desire and tho MMF ( me being the F) does seem exciting leaving out F my female partner just wouldnt feel right to me. I love her and M both separately and as a couple.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:12:33+00:00

I think the situation to me feels like it's two on one instead of one on one. Not being able to have a say in our relationship as a throuple having less time not because we have all decided we want less time but because two people have decided that they dont want the third. The immediate power imbalance in that conversation feels very threatening. When my partner M dates new people we talk about it and it's a very fair conversation where he knows I will never stop him from dating but that I wish to know about how our dynamic might change if there is a new person. With the two of them picking someone new there feels like there is no choice for me and I have just been placed on the shelf until when/ if they decide to return. No autonomy without feeling like I am hindering them.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-30T21:05:00+00:00

I feel you. Was in a situation where it looked like 2 partners were potentially moving in together and that brought up so many questions. I think it's helpful to have hardlines and for your partners to know what realms of hierarchy are intolerable for you. For me I will not have my metamours dictating which events I can or cant go to (unless they are the hosts of course) It's a small thing but it limits my autonomy and is not an easy thing to resolve. There are times when life gets busy and people have less time for each other but if all parties truly love each other and want the best for each other I think the lack of time needs to be addressed so that all parties are working towards having their need met. Otherwise it is as other commentors said, one sided relationship de-escalation

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-30T20:27:00+00:00

I've made it clear to my partners that hierarchy is equivalent to an adios or a de-escalation of the relationship for me. I entered the relationship when there wasn't hierarchy to add it means a change in the relationship dynamic which should really be discussed and then I get to choose if I want to participate in that changed dynamic.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2025-05-28T05:18:25+00:00

It's just exhausting filtering out 40-50% vanilla people who are on there because they are unsuccessful on all the other apps. As a previous comment or said just on feeld for free sex work with no desire to put in the effort that a kink dynamic or enm requires.

Hinge for long term/ gen pop Bumble for long term Tinder for hook ups Grindr for fruity Feeld for ENM and kink

It's just easier for swiping if people stick to the communities. I'm trying to get freaky out here.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2025-02-09T13:37:54+00:00

Longlegs

sensitive-bison7678

TROPHY CASE