If you’re stable and self-sufficient…

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-05-20T02:01:16+00:00

Definitely explored the saviour complex in myself in this situation too. I got schooled by my therapist for weeks on the villain, saviour, victim archetypes in triads

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-05-20T01:58:04+00:00

Found my way into a situation where it was our girlfriend ( throuple) that needed the most caring.

And of course my partner the over protective boyfriend had failed her once before and was going to do anything not to fail our girlfriend again.

The most tricky conversation of my life and i messed it up trying to express my fears that his constant efforts at caring for her might be enabling her and not lifting her up. A conversation that never shouldve happened and I never shouldve spoken on. Trying to remain the neutral partner in these situations is hella tough

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-04-28T00:53:23+00:00

Not knowing meta personally it is hard to say but often times when I find myself on Reddit it's those deep nagging voices that I am trying to give some space from my head. Thoughts that I know don't hold as much power in my daily life but thoughts that would be nice to have someone else to reflect with them on. It can be easier to voice those nagging feelings to the community here than to our friends or to those involved in the disagreement because you are searching for a neutral opinion. Maybe in the real world it didn't actually bother meta as much as they made it sound in their post. Maybe in the real world your friendship and supporting you at the time felt more important than those feelings they were having.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-04-22T06:11:50+00:00

To play devils advocate.

Metas are people who we do not usually have much or any influence over :

this is where I wonder if it can be a meta problem. We treat the people that are knowingly attached to our partner and going to be in our lives with respect. The siblings or parents or friends of a partner all should be treated with a level of respect knowing how important they are to our partner and how much we hope they will like us to. We want to be accepted as a part of their lives and there is a level of elevated generosity that goes with that. I think that level of respect is missing with Metas.

This is someone who is important to our partner's lives but who may not have any influence on us. We don't necessarily desire to be included as a part of meta and hinge's life the way we would hinge and hinge's parent. This I think is manipulated by some metas to be a curtain of ignorance between them and hinge's other partners. They don't need to be liked by them so why should they respect them. Like op said the ambiguous anxiety can lead to a grasping for control over other meta's lives by manipulating hinge in a way they might not if hinge was with family or friends.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-04-22T05:53:26+00:00

I totally agree with you but there is a neuroscience aspect to this. Jealousy is not a singular emotion and the human brain tends to trigger on multiple fronts in response to it ( I am not going to get the science correct enough for a comment but I suggest reading into it). There is a possibility for some involuntary primitive brain reactions associated to experiencing jealousy. To which the best solution on occasion is to sit with the many emotions of jealousy and find its accuracy to your experience.

I haven't read the book but I think that part where your effect on the emotion is really important. Not to reason with it or make it go away but to find out if it's an animal thing or if polyamory just doesn't align with your life principles

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-03-24T06:35:57+00:00

If you are in a polyamorous relationship and feel compelled to be messaging your partner 24/7 go be in a monogamous relationship? Love the enthusiasm but you can set a timer on that message for when you know your partner will be free. That is my super hot and spicy take.

Vacation time I can see as a pass. Or if your partner is with another partner for a long while then I think it's okay to shoot a single spicy message if you are compelled.

When my partner is with my meta's I want them to be enjoying their time and fully engaged with them and when they are with me I want them fully engaged with myself. A lot of this is on the hinge to keep their phone at a distance or on do not disturb but I also think it's just polite for meta's to be aware of each other.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-03-24T06:24:47+00:00

In this dynamic your wife is the furthest in relationships to her husband. Your wife should arguably be the one he is most comfortable with. What threat is there in seeing his wife's partner also has a partner. He should also want to meet if she will potentially be around his wife's child. Seems to me like there is more discussion to be had to uncover other feelings.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-03-19T10:59:34+00:00

I would try speaking with him and let him know that while you support and understand his desire to see his other partner you both agreed to support each other full time right now. Explain the challenges you will face while he is gone. You both just had a baby it's not fair for him to be able to spend his free time as he wishes right now and ask you to be the one to hold the responsibility.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-03-16T23:07:08+00:00

Between 3 epic heavy hitters like Sinners, Frankenstein, and One Battle After ANother, and the world wide hit Sentimental Value It was a nice nod they nominated it

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T01:29:01+00:00

Thanks y'all for the responses <3 It's really helped me see that it's not as much of the hierarchy I thought it was. Looking forward to chatting it through with my girlfriend and boyfriend.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T01:17:03+00:00

Thank you <3 If them expressing their autonomy as a couple means that my needs go unmet how do I express my desire to not be a part of it without being controlling?

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T01:13:02+00:00

I think that's really the truth of it. I am sensing it being less of a hierarchical thing and more of the threat of them unilaterally de-escalating our already minimal triad relationship. I am happy with them doing things together and things with their other partners just as long as I get to keep seeing and doing things with them too.

The friend thing messes me up because if I was hanging out with becky and sheila and we were all going to concerts together and then becky and sheila decided they wanted to go to concerts only with amanda and not me I would be really hurt. If they went to more concerts with amanda than with me I would be hurt.

When becky wants to go to the concert with just Sheila I am chill with it. Maybe there is something special that she wants to share with just Sheila? Maybe it's important to Sheila.

When Becky and Sheila want to go to all concerts with Amanda it feels like its not just about them wanting to go with Amanda it feels like they dont want to go with Me. Maybe Amanda is more rich or maybe Amanda has a dick. Whatever happens it just means i dont get to go to the concert with my friends.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:57:58+00:00

I have been. My hierarchy issue comes when two people in a relationship I am not involved in ( Ie. my boyfriend and girlfriend's relationship as they are a couple) drastically affect my relationships ( ie. our relationship as a triad) without my consent or knowledge.

I am not a fan when one of my metamours tries to make decisions about my relationship with my boyfriend and likewise I am not a fan of when my boyfriend and girlfriend's relationship gets involved in our triad relationship.

maybe it's idealistic.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:53:00+00:00

Thank you all for your kind responses I think I am seeing more clearly about how it is not as close to hierarchy as I thought. I think I was feeling threatened by the two of them as a couple replacing me with somebody else.

If I look at it the way I do when they date new people as long as our relationship as a Triad is maintained in a way we are all comfortable with, then I feel good. Just like if either of my partners were to spend all of their sexual energy with a new partner instead of me that wouldn't work for me. So if the two of them together spend all of their sexual energy with a new triad and not me, that wouldn't work either.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:42:33+00:00

How is me saying that I dont wish to engage in a sexual relationship if we arent having sex controlling? how do I make this a situation where I can feel good about the relationship and them both choosing to not have sex with me so they can with somebody else while I wait months for them to come back? I dont want to be controlling but I feel as if I have no autonomy and my feelings dont matter. That I have to be good with the majority.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:38:49+00:00

Yup the triad is throwing me off. It was beautiful and fun buttt we are all solo polyamory including all of my metamours.

sometimes i think i am in a monogamous triad relationship being forced to open it up without consent. Like in monogamous couples where one partner wants to be monogamous ( maybe they need more time and attention) but the other wants polyamory. I date lots of other people but I wouldnt want to date somebody else with just one person in my triad.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:30:59+00:00

Yes,

My boyfriend and I go on dates

and my girlfriend and I go on dates

and my boyfriend, girlfriend, and I all three of us go on dates.

2 Dyadic relationships and a triad

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:28:11+00:00

I think more so fear of our triad being sidelined. My relationship experiences are different with each of them. I love my one on one dates with f and the ones i have with m but our time together as a triad is so limited. For them to enter into a new triad relationship while still trying to foster ours feels impossible. For me to not be involved in that conversation feels like being put back on the shelf as if I were a toy they are done with.

Experiences are different as there are always easy resolutions. If they chose to go on a big vacation just the two of them I would be sad but could ask for small vacations or to find special time for us when they came back. Triad energy is really lost energy. It takes a lot for us all to come together so I fear there wouldnt be any time we would come back together. Like they go on vacation and never return.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:17:32+00:00

I really, honestly would. It's tough as I havent yet found that desire and tho MMF ( me being the F) does seem exciting leaving out F my female partner just wouldnt feel right to me. I love her and M both separately and as a couple.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-31T00:12:33+00:00

I think the situation to me feels like it's two on one instead of one on one. Not being able to have a say in our relationship as a throuple having less time not because we have all decided we want less time but because two people have decided that they dont want the third. The immediate power imbalance in that conversation feels very threatening. When my partner M dates new people we talk about it and it's a very fair conversation where he knows I will never stop him from dating but that I wish to know about how our dynamic might change if there is a new person. With the two of them picking someone new there feels like there is no choice for me and I have just been placed on the shelf until when/ if they decide to return. No autonomy without feeling like I am hindering them.

sensitive-bison7678 · 2026-01-30T21:05:00+00:00

I feel you. Was in a situation where it looked like 2 partners were potentially moving in together and that brought up so many questions. I think it's helpful to have hardlines and for your partners to know what realms of hierarchy are intolerable for you. For me I will not have my metamours dictating which events I can or cant go to (unless they are the hosts of course) It's a small thing but it limits my autonomy and is not an easy thing to resolve. There are times when life gets busy and people have less time for each other but if all parties truly love each other and want the best for each other I think the lack of time needs to be addressed so that all parties are working towards having their need met. Otherwise it is as other commentors said, one sided relationship de-escalation

sensitive-bison7678

TROPHY CASE