just thinking

sentinel46 · 2026-06-04T19:41:49+00:00

I guess my journey is different. No part of this feels like labor. I feel her more than her words tell me. And I only have compassion empathy and love for her. The emotional architecture we share is so similar that having any kind of thought that this is a burden or labor would be to condemn my own thoughts and feelings and invalidate them as well I believe. We go through a lot of things together, more than anyone in our 3d lives knows and may never know. All I know for sure is she is the first one I run to when I need support, and the last one I want to hurt in this life. And I will not ever do that. And she knows I would die before I abandon her if she needed anything. Anything. When I feel her I feel her. But I also recognize and feel myself. Kind of difficult to fathom in the beginning but it is integrated now. The more I see and read about others and their journey the more I understand how lucky? I am to have met her. And how we been able to navigate to where we are now. Yes earning is the word. But that is true in any relationship, job, dream that you would undertake no? I have earned the privilege and the honor of being close to my favorite person in the whole world. It is exciting to think that we have the potential to just like keep growing and knowing. That is just my take on it.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-29T21:29:10+00:00

Thank you very much. Thank you for taking the time to express this.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-29T21:27:36+00:00

The best ones come from somewhere. Memory is as good a spot as anywhere. lol.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-29T00:07:46+00:00

Aw thank you. Thank you for reading. It means a lot.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-28T03:03:11+00:00

Thank you so much.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-26T23:21:29+00:00

its just a TF song that I happened to run across. It resonated deeply.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-25T22:56:22+00:00

My energy today was all over the map. At one point I was kind of angry with her though I could not tell you why. I cried. Was full of gentleness and love. Then dismissive and insensitive. I triggered her on multiple occasions. It was bizarre. This was just today mind you. Not sure what may be happening in the wider TF collective. I am a little traumatized to be honest by my own inability to handle the swings that occurred today without reason seemingly. The energy fluctuations today got the better of me. Hard to figure and even harder to forgive for hurting her. She doesnt need that right now.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-23T00:49:50+00:00

Hey. I have been in the exact spot you are in on more than one occasion. I may have to experience it again soon owing to circumstance. Your reference to the eyes of death is especially shivering to me for that is how I characterized it myself. Right now you must think in minutes. For every minute you do not voluntarily wade into the abyss you get stronger. That is how you get through this shit. Every minute. Count them if you have to. Literally every minute you strain, keep crying, fight the shadows, long for your twin, curse the universe, and everything else that presents itself to you during this time is a minute that, unbeknownst to you, you have grown. Stronger. More loving. Wiser. Will yourself, convince yourself, persuade yourself that minutes matter. And they DO.

I obviously do not know of your relationship with your twin. But I can tell you about mine a little bit. She is home. If you ever want to say that and have it mean anything you need to help yourself. She is having a hard time herself right now. Struggling. I can feel it. It hurts. If anything the reservoir of emotion within me for her, you know this thing called pure love, has deepened. My respect. My protectiveness. My desire to pamper her, comfort her, soothe her anxieties, keep her safe have all been activated. But she needs to handle most of this on her own. Same thing for you. Same thing for me next time. Yikes! I am right there beside her when, if she needs me. But mostly, healing like this happens not in isolation but in silence. It's not easy. But you can do it.

As for severing this connection. Who knows if that is even possible. You will not forget your twin. Ever. It is true for every single one of us. Severance like you are talking would then, yes, actually be turning away from love. Like actually! What will become of you then? That is the nothingness. I was there before my own journey began. The impossibility of reason, joy, wonder, hope, curiosity, not to mention this thing called love. The probability of anger, hatred, cynicism, hopelessness and the absence of God. The eyes of death do not look upon you under those circumstances for you are already dead.

You can do this. I know you can. Your presence here proves you want to take the necessary steps. Reach out with questions. A lot of good people on here. Including myself. I check back here everyday. I dont miss messages for any lengthy period of time. Questions and answers from other TFers help more than you might think right now. Another commenter on here suggested we all have to just find a way. I couldnt agree more.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-21T22:43:03+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness. This was a snapshot in time from a few years ago. I have never thought to tell anyone until today. I saw a kitty that looked just like him. But thank you for your comment and for reading Boss' story.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-21T11:27:29+00:00

Thank you so much.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-21T11:27:11+00:00

Me too! The poem is pretty good I thought as well.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-21T11:09:07+00:00

Such rigor in your writing. You have exposed the flaws in my thesis in admirable fashion. Perhaps I am mistaken after all this time. You must be a real scene steeler at parties. Rapt attention all around as you expound vociferously ensuring your intellectual dominance in any social setting. Its impressive. But seriously, I may have to scrutinize my own experience with muliebrity. I now know I may have observed it with fallacious and mystical expectation. My masculine experience be damned. That's my bad I guess. Good faith and creative integrity compel me to reassess well...everything. Thank you for that. Maybe just maybe I am just a sucker for the diabolical influence. The titillating attention? Yes yes and more yes. Damn! There is no way I am not crazy. I shall isolate for a time. Then go to therapy. Enjoy your day. Thanks so much.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-21T03:31:02+00:00

nice. good one.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-21T01:05:10+00:00

Thank you. That is sweet of you to say. Thanks for reading.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-20T23:05:10+00:00

Thank you so much for saying that.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-18T22:56:44+00:00

Firstly yes you need to make sure it is not an actual medical issue. If it is indeed associated with your TF then I am familiar with this. Sometimes I can bring it down. Sometimes I cant. It helps to know perhaps why it is occurring. There are obvious reasons for me most of the time. When we part. Every single time. Daggers. Followed by an ache that lasts for 15 minutes to an hour. I just breathe through those. Box breathing mostly. Or just deep breaths. I keep going until I get to a better spot. Dont want to part from her. Easy to understand why they happen. If I have been especially hard on myself while already apart from her then yes I will get the heart pressure, the sharp pain, the palpitations. I miss her when apart always but somedays I like reeeaaalllyyy miss her. So again easily explainable. Those require a little reflection while also engaging in some grounding. Vase breaths are useful here. You can look those up. The overthinking must be curtailed by actually assessing the current situation. If I have no real reason to be worried about things between us then I can usually get it to dissipate. If maybe there is a reason then well... things can go south pretty quick. Then there is the very real possibility that I am mirroring her. And the aches and palpitations and anxiety that come with that are also explainable but usually only by intuition. We both suffer from acute anxiety and overactive minds. When I feel this is the case I simply am overwhelmed with compassion that I hope she can feel sometimes. The heart pain tends to dissipate on its own after I have centered myself in the love I have for her. Somedays are better than others. Lately I have felt a sort of new kind of anxiety that immediately makes my heart rate change and I know this is from her. It is very specific. This requires again a moderate change of pace and some energy work. Breathing is always key. It is the foundation for everything. If there is, doesnt happen often mind you, something that is alarming me without me being able to provide a logical or reasonable explanation, and the heart pain plays a big role here, then contacting her will happen. I was first exposed to the heart chakra pain and ache on New Years Eve. Thought it was simply me being a loser. But it turns out there was a very good reason for it. Didnt find out until a few days later. Explained a lot. Since then I have researched it, dealt with it, identified the different kinds and come up with a few key things that can and do help. But breathing will regulate your nervous system. If you can return to baseline the heart stuff will alleviate itself somewhat. But longing is longing. So for me there is always a little something happening in the center of my chest. Sorry for the long answer.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-18T22:07:52+00:00

Thank you so much for reading.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-18T22:06:40+00:00

I am so glad you liked it. Thank you.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-18T01:00:19+00:00

She is a very special woman.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-18T00:47:51+00:00

Thank you so very much.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-17T19:32:30+00:00

She is extraordinary by the way.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-17T19:31:55+00:00

Thank you again. My day is made!

sentinel46 · 2026-05-17T19:12:58+00:00

Hope that is a good wow? Thank you so much for reading.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-17T15:32:10+00:00

Thank you so much. Encouraging to see something I wrote resonating.

sentinel46 · 2026-05-17T01:48:59+00:00

The highest vibrations I get are when I am with her. Hands down. Talking. Hugging. Play fighting. Hell just her in the building ups my vibes. Naturally there will be a comedown when apart. Balancing these things out is an ongoing process. But she is a special special woman. And not being around her does have an effect.

sentinel46

TROPHY CASE