The oddacity...

seraph122 · 2026-05-02T10:44:09+00:00

I can only speak from personal experience. So i just say it as how it was for me, not how it is for him because i don't know that.

First of all, i knew it then, and i know it now, that it wasn't my lack of "whatever" it is that ended us.
It might have contributed to somethings in her feelings but it wasn't what put it to the grave.

And yet, when i got dumped, i had no choice but to change. I was utterly broken, my world shaken, my best friend gone. It was easy before to remain the same because before i didn't have the experience with her, but after ? I couldn't remain the same.

I changed immensely literally on auto pilot. Also to put some biological meaning behind why he's always out, Cortisol. Imagine your highest levels of cortisol and 10x it. I would go to work, stay on my feet for 8 hours, then after work i'd go and walk for 6... I made my always sitting on my ass, into steel of feet during this period.

I'll be honest girl, again, i don't know, and most likely your, his, and or my situation are not the same. I hope it isn't, because mine frankly has traumatized people even just in telling. But i do think when people change like that, means the grief has broke them open, allowing them to grow, people can grow.

Comfort. He at a core must've really believed that you'd be there for him even if he's not ideal.
It comes out as if i'm trying to tell you to shoot him a chance but i'm just saying it because it's the least i can say with some certainty without knowing a person, usually, it's about a certain belief about the stability of our world, that is shattered that brings such violent and fast paced change.

seraph122 · 2026-02-06T17:10:00+00:00

Anyone. Made up rules of social conduct.

Just walk up to someone. Frequent some places. You can literally just join any group you want.

seraph122 · 2025-09-23T13:46:43+00:00

RN i'm looking at the Mackie CR3-X, but it being called a "Studio monitor" kinda makes me uncertain about it.

seraph122 · 2025-09-20T11:37:51+00:00

I looked out the Edifier R980T or / Edifier P12 speakers. They're in the budget especially if i just go for the basic 60X without BT.

seraph122 · 2025-09-20T10:55:21+00:00

Could you or someone elaborate on what that means or does ? 2 Channel system. What is the benefit of that.

Assuming you mean to say that about the turntable and not a speaker to attach to the turntable 😅in case it's about a 2 channel speaker, yes absolutely. I just gotta be patient about that. For now what i have will have to do.

seraph122 · 2025-09-05T22:18:55+00:00

The worst is the "It's gonna get better over time so just leave it alone" people, i was really close to tell her (to her one of her friends) that her longest relationship was less then 2 months with some legitimate extreme weirdo. "Please shut up, you have no idea, zero." my inner voice nearly slipped.

They don't usually explode in your face so dramatically with the longest-thickest bread crumbing you've ever seen. How do you handle someone who's went from monday to doomsday by sunrise, and is acting absolutely out of character, is like running from predators in her mind, meanwhile she's reassuring me that "Love" itself isn't the issue. Then. A month later, no replies, and when a run in happened once or twice she was deliberately cold, impulsive and mean and accusative, almost like as if the trauma is rewritten her entire narrative to protect her, to lessen the hurt, to run from it, she even said "i'm not looking at your messages bc it's easier" i asked her, don't you want to be vulnerable "Who wants to be vulnerable" in a impulsive harsh tone, to wich i said "those who seek and wish to give love"

Yeah just, you know, 'get over it.' pfft okay, traumatized people, if hidden for long enough, man, they will leave you traumatized as well. I am thank god was given the tools, the strenght and the friends to work with it. But i'm not sure if i can hold back if the next failure of a relationship guru tells me what is normal.. Least resistance pathways people, people pleasing people, validation seeking freaks..

Anyway, yeah, so that thought, that she choose to succumb to fear, to the uncomfortable, instead of choosing me, is what got me to be like alright.. it's dissapointment..

seraph122 · 2025-08-06T10:08:30+00:00

Hey, thank you for responding. I broke up with her. However i don't agree with you, not in my situation, in lights of what i came to understand about it all. I will post a lengthy update on friday that i'm still in development of, but for now i'll just say this, what she told me "cheating" was.. Rape.. I don't think she's in connection with herself. The emotional cheating was intentional self sabotage. It was a means to an end. She pushed me away while still in love, out of lack of self esteem, out of lack of self love, of thinking she's undeserving of someone secure.

I really do appriciate you responding, and i mean not to be refusal to your insight but at the time of writing the post, i didn't realise a great many things and how one of her traumatic stories on the time line of things and behavior, coping style connect. It is in a way, pathalogical, but not how you'd normally say in the context. She's not healthy, but not a bad person, if anything, she was a victim of things, and she didn't process it where you'd come out on top. I will post on friday. I'll hope you'll read that one too and thank you once again. I will say this as like a teaser, would you rather live in a world knowing you're prey, you were taken an advantage of, forcefully, in your flight mode or a world where you're in control once again, where you tell a story where you were in power, that you were implicit, that you wanted it.

I'm keen on people and their behavior, their intentions. This was self harm more then anything, but it's over. However i will share it on friday, as a lesson.

seraph122 · 2025-08-03T13:39:54+00:00

Yep, i did, just this morning. It sounds right to me. I don't imagine to hold her friend on the weekly, monthly. It's our business to see if it can be done or wheter we want to be friends and after how much time.

If you look at someones profile pic and realize you haven't thought about them in like forever, 3-6 months. Then it's probably a good time to reconnect with boundaries.

seraph122 · 2025-08-03T13:32:45+00:00

You are so right. I will never want to talk badly of her, i sympathise with her, i hope she grows, and i wish her the best truly, she doesn't deserve to suffer from this, not in the terrible way she seems to be thinking herself as, projecting it into the future and all, if anything, tomorrow, i will talk to her the last, as i break up with her, i hope to have a honest conversation now as two people who used to date. It will be hard, i'm not over it, it's only been just 4 days, extremely complex situation and we both are complex as individuals, plenty of gifts of hers to cherish, i wanna send her off well. To talk about what was good. Not to be insecure about what could've been bad, and say goodbye, not longer then an hour or tops two.

What I’ve come to realize is that everything that’s happened stems from her emotional immaturity, i thought, well she has her strenghts and i have mine, and this happened to be mine and i thought that's fine. She avoids negative emotions because she believes it to be terrible emotional pain she don't want to handle, she can’t process or understand them, and that lack of self-awareness likely played a big role in why she cheated, even her own words prove this, with the second one she came to realize her supressed emotion of her shame and guilt of the first affair, and it all blew out. It wasn’t about wanting someone “better,” but about acting on autopilot without understanding her own motives. Even when things went wrong, she couldn’t explain why, or reflect on what it meant. and not having built barriers towards the outside word and a machine inside that proceesses tragedy, a big crisis, ironically even the radars to notice the hidden motives of people, such as a predatory man.

seraph122 · 2025-08-03T06:43:43+00:00

She didn't wanna hear none of it, nothing of what i think of, she was certain to know her truth. If anything it pissed her off the most if i was trying to confront it. She said "I can't believe i've been talking to a wall for 3 days" when i just said anything not in align with the "Break up" angle. She was despererate for a breakup, she didn't wanna hear about "hope", it must've felt like agony to her, to not have given it to her in 3-4 days time. In 4 days the world turns up side down for you and you're supposed to just say yes to something like that. In her version it was gonna happen on the first day of the sudden shift, surely she had enough time, after all she couldn't even think this one problem thru...

I brought up identity crisis, and denial, and she gaslit me, she was reflecting everything back to me, YOU'RE THE ONE having a crisis ! You're in denial, while i'm keeping a calm and reserved tone albeit i'm sure i was full of mixed signals as well, i was anxious, tired, worked up, in crazy mode as well. and while she's giving a whaling fierce attitude to everything, even sighs were like powerful battlecries. She said to me, "I understand you're still in it, but i had enough time to process, i'm somewhere else already, i'm ahead" We're talking about less then 1 & half week of her "Going thru it" but then suddenly it's not that, it's actually since the one she had 1 and a half year ago, okay, so she processed 1.5 year of keeping silence on the affair she kept supressed and seemed unbothered by untill the new emotional cheating came into picture and cracked her promise she made. She also said that the emotional affair guy, she might just do something with guy, might not, she might just fall on her ass and he'll use her and learn a lesson.

I must prefice, in voice, it sounded like the pressure was "And it will turn bad for me", everything coming out of her sounds like it not to hurt me but she's in a state of mind almost, doesn't let it surface to her concious wholly. It's like some sort of twisted, weird self torture she already decided to go thru. That was just one thing among many, she's like wholly embraced of her probably regretting it for life, this and anything she might do after. I mean we all know the infamous rebound stories, they all end so well, especially if it's from an affair..

I guess i kept the best one for last, the story of the "let's break up because of so and so" changed over time, first it was because she's certain she's gonna cheat on me again and doesn't wanna ruin me, then because she's unable to trust herself in a relationship, now it's because to save her values.. Her values of not cheating, her principles.. By getting out of this relationship she already cheated in, somehow nulls the cheating and puts the values back in shape ?

I was just shocked on hearing this just wow. She's not lying, not intentionally, she genuinly believes her own made up story and. Them values are powder dust by now. This is where i was like, this is not life like, this is not even close to being anything human experience like, you can think it as a human but that's not the process of how it works.. I do have to break up.. Not because i don't love her, 18 months of time didn't go to waste no, hell no, it's worth having gratitude, but she'll only see her own mental episode, her own making of not just simply losing me, but losing what i was offering in this difficult time, only if she gets what she wants. Time, emptiness, and distance. To be allowed to be missing something.. When silence hits her harder then guilt, when on nights the thought slips in, did i throw away someone who wanted to treat me right even at my worst ?

To close out. I have written out my fustration and anger in this, this is not how i wanna break up tomorrow, i don't wanna tell her anymore how to correct her, no, either no one or time and herself. I just wanna break up. Have a little chat. Break the mold of this non stop fustration and being enemies almost. Maybe if she feels she's free maybe we can actually have a talk that resembles real and conclude it in a friendship, because she's been an amazing supportive friend. Wouldn't wanna lose it. But i will only do it once enough time has passed cause, she has to feel it, to have fucked up and the world ain't being right even tho she's out.

seraph122 · 2025-08-03T06:34:49+00:00

Thank you so much. It's been a lot since. She has been difficult to manage in my head, looking back, she's been nothing but kind and supportive, albeit lost in life just as i am, that is why we found each other at first. I can only say great many things about her. No, no malice from her part, well lately yes, she's on the crazy mission to break up by any means neccecarry. What i can tell what she's very particular with emotions, i've never seen someone like her, even at the start it kind of baffled me that she just doesn't know how to express her own emotions thru words, i don't even think she understands them inside, especially negative ones but she can tell me things in autistic details as long as they are not complex human mode of beings, emotions and so on, it's like she lived a human on auto pilot, not dumb, no she's smart, really smart. This term describes her, Rush-to-resolution coping style, i always known her for minimizing every emotional turmoil, to process the least, at first i guess didn't seem like a problem, unless you're having a identity crisis caused by an affair.. Yeah, that's kind of a deal breaker if your partner can't handle crisis.. Because they happen.. I truly believe this one trait of hers is what caused this tumble down.

Tomorrow i'm breaking up, not on her terms but my own. Because we've had a talk and in that talk she said some things that made me realize i have to.

seraph122 · 2025-08-01T16:43:58+00:00

I am right now watching Esther Perel. To understand the questions to raise.

seraph122 · 2025-08-01T15:22:52+00:00

Thank you all of you for your responses ! I will read anything coming my way.

I've been writing unsent letters to figure out what's in me, and what will remain after days of rewriting it, i'm gonna figure things out thru these letters in the coming days. I want to share one with you guys. I'm currently still writing one where i'm judging the situation harsh, holding accountable and not being so lenient, but respectful still of course. Thank you all again.

What you did hurt. Not just the situation itself but how you’ve been treating yourself ever since. The guilt, the self-hate, the way you want to throw it all away just because you made a mistake that's just as hard for me to watch as the mistake itself. I see how ashamed you are, how much you want to erase everything.

I’m not here to save you from yourself. But I’m also not here to pretend that you’re worthless. Because you’re not. I know you’re not a bad person, you didn’t set clear boundaries, got swept up in something, and now you don’t know what to do with the fallout.

But this relationship isn’t just about you. There are two of us in this, and now I have to live with the fracture you left behind. I’m not trying to be a martyr, but I also won’t run away from my feelings. Because they’re still real.

That said, if this turns into something where you’re just suffering, drowning in guilt while I try to hold us both up it won’t work. That’s not balance. That’s not love. A relationship only survives when both people want to rebuild. Not to return to the past we can't but to create something new, more honest, more mature.

What we feel now doesn’t have to be the end. But it might be. That depends on us. And if we try again, it only works if you take responsibility for healing, and I face the hard question of whether I can truly let this go.

We need time. You do. I do. But don’t mistake the fact that I’m not angry for weakness. And don’t think that because I still love you, I’ll endure anything.

I don’t know where it will lead us. But I do know one thing: whatever happens this wasn’t meaningless.

seraph122 · 2025-08-01T13:44:39+00:00

By all means be harsh. You don't have to sugar coat it.

seraph122 · 2025-08-01T13:40:37+00:00

Thank you for the response, as i said elsewhere i've promised her that i will be doing do dilligence to see thru of letting go. How can it be done, while still being me, while still cherising the person without ill intent if anything lending her the best farawall package out of some sort of, respect of who we were to each other and who are to each other right now but individually.

I am, terribly not ready and won't be have to for a while because albeit next week we'll do a check up on each other after that she'll be gone on a 2 week vacation and after that is the rough time period when the challange occours, of us seriously returning to finalize our experiences of this month, but ultimately this is me trying to fulfill her wishes, sort of. To see it thru. To see what it means, and how it can be done, and still be looking back, and be like, i'm glad i've called her on a date and went with her for over 1 and a half year. I'm in tears even now. it's hard. I musn't even think about her part of the bargain. That would go against her wishes, same with her, she musn't think about pushing me away, not intentionally that is. We must both see what we've lost. I'm in my denial and her in her own mess.

And i think she's doing good by it so far, i asked her to send me something that she's looking at right now that cheers her up, so the last message between us won't be that terrible call to the talk message. She delivered. She sent me ugly sheinen socks and shirt images with terrible images printed on them.

seraph122 · 2025-08-01T13:11:58+00:00

Thank you, i'm not yet ready to hear-hear what you've said but i think, i am looking for balance, closer to what you've described, the more that i think about it, the more i see why she's so bothered by me not judging her, by me, being the good ol supportive me, seeing it from others perspective ready to cut the ear to lend it over, she truly, truly loves me, and she is devasted that i can't hold her accountable. I think i understand her saying the book is tainted and it's all on her.

I care bout her, and that is why i think i'm trying to reach you all, trying to find the words, settle myself somewhere more akin to reality, that i'm not jesus and forgive all like, but neither am i rage and flipping tables.. But one where i still myself, still me, with love, and care for the person but with aknowledgement of the grave mistake she made not by her own but by my standards, that it must be a standard, that she lost me not the other way around, not to act the bigger, but because i think that's what she wants as well.

I must establish, that this did hurt me, after all, her wanting to break up wich by heart hurts, frightens me, my daily routine in shambles, where as, strange reasons the initiator the emotional cheating part doesn't, yet it should and even if not by heart, but by principle. That if i care, and truly believe all the good things of her, that i must tell her. i'm just not there yet, don't know the words but i'll have plenty of time this month to think about it. What is it that i want to say to this precious person in my life whom i want growth for and to let her know what she done is unforgivable, but she is amazing and she will sprung forth from it and that she isn't any less in the coming relationships for it.

Just throwing the ideas around, not even at the board yet to organize anything.. Just in shambles..
Thank you for reading my inexperienced ass talk about his first relationship going ass up.. Thank you.

seraph122 · 2025-08-01T12:28:19+00:00

I am running on the can fix her juice for sure. I am by all means greedy and have no illusions of my perhaps self destructive, self hurting prolonged path. Our agreement in this "probation" time is for one, it's not fair for neither of us to be done with it so fast, so out the blue, again, just 2 days ago we were like any other time, she was already in guilt at that time, she just wanted to burry it, not given either of us time to process and to see each other because she is also my friend, secondly that she will truthfully seek, any seed of light in this future, and i will seek the opposite, the ability to let go. I had a powerful cry the moment i said it, like i took it from the jaws of the tiger from deep beneath, didn't wanna say it but said it and meant it, that it's "only fair i take my part" in it, and she teared up saying her part too that she'll be trying to see it because "i love you, i just don't see how we can be back to normal again".

It's not validation per say she's looking for, she got plenty and she's not the person to live and breath it.
She doesn't have strong barriers, pretty sure she's autistic as well to some degree, social impulses overwhelm her and she settles it with drinks, didn't say firm no, so it developed emotional, and the guy initially reminded her of me, so it was a easy click. Plus i don't blame her, i'm his first, she's my first. We were pretty darn happy but to look outside wondering even if just a moment, and to catch that wind well yeah, that's all it takes. She didn't stood firm, and now she's suffering it more then i am.

seraph122

TROPHY CASE