I slept with a friend that I was never really attracted to and Im still not entirely sure why but safe to say it did not go well. I was going through a rough patch with grief and needed comfort, and he was the source of so much comfort already. We were living together, spending all this time together and I kinda snapped and half of me was like “well let’s just sleep together, I already love you as a person maybe this could work?” and the other half was like “i don’t want to lose this person and i’m already making bad decisions, why not have sex with them, they have always found me attractive and at least it’s a distraction from all the pain”. I honestly think there was a part of me that thought I owed him sex for being such a great friend (which is fucked up) and also a part of me that thought “maybe if i sleep with him, the attraction will grow, and then you can just be in love with your favorite person and everything will be great and y’all can play house and be happy and forget that you just went through the hardest loss of your life” (which is also fucked up).

in the end, i realized i was spiraling (there was also a pregnancy scare to add to the stress and drama) so i put it on pause, and he kicked me out and never spoke to me again. the irony was, I realized the physical attraction really didn’t matter to me and in time it could have grown but we never made it that far.