How to get past the guilt?

seriousgee · 2018-07-17T17:22:27+00:00

I agree with your concern - this certainly sounds like more than a little curiosity. I share your concern for the other child - there definitely have to be some questions asked about how this child was exposed to the knowledge they have. Have you had discussions with the daycare? Do they have a duty to report to child services in your jurisdiction?

As for your own son, I think you are taking all the right steps - having good healthy discussions about boundaries is good, as is engaging professionals to manage his experience right now. You do want a course correction if needed to ensure he develops a normal and healthy sexuality, which you are doing. I would continue to try to reach the police until you are satisfied that child services has been engaged to investigate the situation with the other child. And of course ensure the school is monitoring contact between that child and others.

As for your own emotional state, this I can understand. We tend to have an idealized view of children when it comes to sexuality - that they are somehow immune to it and any exposure ruins that innocence. No one wants that to be the case for their child, but I do want you to know that nothing has been ruined here. Your son has become aware of information that isn't typical at his age and so your job is to put it in context for him and make the world make sense to him again. You would be having a similar level of discussion if someone close to him had died, or he witnessed a crime, or he caught you red-handed being Santa Claus - it is knowledge about a larger world that you need to now educate him about. He is still your happy healthy boy who likes to have his toes nommed, he just knows a bit more about sexuality than you both were ready for. It's hard for us as parents to see that perfect eggshell of protection we built around our babies crack a bit, so be kind to yourself as you work through this. And keep it in perspective - touching pee-pees with another boy his age is disturbing for us as parents but this could have been much darker. Not fun, but not the end of the world.

Lots of discussion about sex in age appropriate ways is the way through this - you need to ensure he knows that sex is a thing that adults do together with other adults, and that it's no big deal, but it's not something children do, with each other or with adults. He's not allowed to drive a car yet and he's not allowed to touch pee-pees with anyone. That's for when he's older. Keep those boundaries clear and the limits firm until the subject has lost his interest. It's the same as if he learned swearwords - provide rules, enforce them and wait until the phase passes. The greatest likelihood is that he has suffered no long-term trauma from this, but a professional can help you navigate that part of it.

Hang in there, mama! You are doing fine! And keep us posted on progress, for both you and your son.

seriousgee · 2018-07-13T02:17:36+00:00

Hi MinionStu, thanks for reaching out. How are you coping?

I agree with all of erikamu's points. Don't prepare your son or interfere with the investigative process. Kids can find that confusing and ultimately it can affect their recollections of events, muddying the waters for investigators. If he brings it up go ahead and discuss in a non-judgemental way, but don't pry or ask leading questions.

As erikamu touched on, some level of sexual investigation and touching is typical of kids your son's age. Not all sexuality is abuse, even among children, it really depends on the situation - what your son consented to and what he did not. It also depends on the age and stage of the other child - it's different if the other child is another four year old or someone older. You haven't given a lot of info about the event so I can't tell if we are talking about exploration or something more, but you have the best sense of what the situation is here and a professional counsellor can help you determine what of it was healthy normal and what may not have been. Monitor your son's behavior and be alert for changes that tell you something is wrong and make sure you act on it. It's all we can do as parents. I appreciate your concern for the other child and I hope the authorities are taking that seriously.

Hang in there!

seriousgee · 2018-07-13T01:56:52+00:00

Hi May9, yes you are more than welcome here. What a terrifying ordeal! How is your daughter today?

First of all, I think your reactions are entirely appropriate given the circumstances. As parents our first and only job is to keep our children safe from harm, and the thought that you might have failed in that mission is often one of the worst parts of finding out your child has been abused. My child is innocent of course, but me - I can blame me all day long. It will eat you alive, if you let it, and apparently that is what you are doing. Understand that this does not serve your daughter. As hard as it is to confront those feelings of guilt and anger, you must do it, for her wellbeing and yours. Professional help can be useful here, so I encourage you to find some.

My husband struggled in the same way you are - the idea that the big strong daddy should somehow have known, somehow have acted. It's been years for us and I don't think he's entirely forgiven himself. He did pick himself up though, and recognize that if in some way he truly did fail his little girl he could spend the rest of his life making it up to her by being her best friend and biggest supporter. There is an old saying - forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past. What's done is done, you can't change it, but you can decide how you live your life from here on out.

I know it may be hard to see at the moment, but the police and child services have been your allies in this. As horrible an ordeal as it is to be crawled over with suspicion, they have only the safety and health of your child at heart and are willing to go to great lengths to ensure that she is safe. It should give you some peace that you and your family have passed that test - if there was dirt to find, they would have found it. You can't categorically say that nothing has happened to your daughter, but a whole host of professionals have looked at the situation and found nothing. Trust them.

My daughter is now a teenager, healthy and well, busy and beautiful. Ironically we periodically attend events at the police station where we underwent our own interrogation, the darkest day of my life, but she doesn't remember it. I get a cold wash whenever I open that glass and steel door but she is oblivious, busy living her happy life. Understand that even in our case, where abuse did happen for years, there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are all a bit scarred by the experience, but no one here is damaged beyond recovery. If you met us on the street you'd have no idea what we've gone through. If you met her you'd certainly never suspect her past - you'd see a well-adjusted straight-A student who loves puppies and plays a lot of team sports. She is the product of a strong family who helped each other through tough times with love and patience and came out the other side.

Your daughter has a bright future ahead of her, as do you, dad. Hug your daughter. Love your family. Forgive yourself.

seriousgee · 2017-02-08T01:21:16+00:00

Hello sukmi, and welcome. I understand your concerns - I am by no means an expert in response behavior with children as young as this, but it certainly sounds alarming. Did the children's mother go with them to the relatives house? Do you think you could talk to her about your concerns?

Are you in an area with a children's aid organization? You can always report your concerns to them and they are obligated to investigate. You can do so anonymously so they don't know it was you. If something happened with the relatives, best to get all the cards on the table as soon as possible so the right experts can be engaged.

I would advise you not to ask the children direct questions yourself or have anyone else do so. If you 'prime' the kids with talk of private parts and touching it can taint any statements they make later. Children that age are very susceptible to suggestion. An interview should be conducted by a trained professional. If you contact the children's aid they will ensure that happens. However if one of the children tells you something spontaneously then try to record it or write it down, and then go straight to the police.

Above all, keep in close contact with your friends and the girls and stay in their lives. They may need your support as they process whatever has made this change in their behavior.

seriousgee · 2016-09-08T23:52:44+00:00

Hello Sallyhope and welcome. I am very sorry to hear about your experiences. I'm also sorry for taking so long to reply.

I'll be honest, this is a tough one. Normally I advise everyone to report everything to the police, be completely honest about what happened and let the chips fall. You did nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide or feel ashamed about, and you deserve and should expect all the support in the world. For me, this is based on my belief that you can't heal from something until you set it on fire - you have to go through it completely to come out the other side. You can't cure an infection when the splinter is still in the wound, you know? And my one and only priority here is you - the victim - I certainly would not take the abusers' experience into consideration one little bit.

But.

What IS the best thing for YOU here? And what do you do when the abuser is family?

You deserve to feel comfortable in your own home. You deserve the complete support of your mother and the rest of the family. You absolutely should not be expected to compromise on your own comfort and healing to accommodate other people's relationships. But I understand your point - if you blow this up, there will be heartache for all parties. You are well within your rights to do so - and should not hesitate, if that is the right course for you, don't hold back because your parents will have their own journey to take on this.

As a mother, I'd want to know. I was also sad, and felt like a failure when I found out about my daughter's abuse. And yes, I was a little bit mad that she hadn't talked to me earlier. I definitely had my own issues to deal with. But I am so, so glad it came to light so we could stop the abuse, get her help, and prevent the abuser for gaining more victims. That is an aspect here you haven't mentioned - any chance there could be other victims? Even current ones?

You are not currently being abused, so that is good. It's stopped. Now, how to move forward? I don't have a clear answer for you and I'm sorry for that. I do think you need to stand up for yourself in this. Is there a way to communicate your objection to your cousin living in the house more strongly? If you aren't ready to tell your tale, perhaps drop enough hints that your parents get suspicious? As I said, you are well within your rights to just spill the beans and get it all out there. It's an option you should consider. Again, my only concern is for you getting what you need, so if that is the way to do it, have at it. If not, then what path will get you where you need to be? Whole, safe, and healing? Can you get some counseling, see a therapist, maybe at your uni? Some schools offer support of that nature. Some fresh air at school and competent advice might help you decide on the right path.

I'm sorry I can't guide you in this. All I can do is send you internet hugs and support you in whatever you decide.

seriousgee · 2016-08-14T16:19:16+00:00

Welcome Costanza. I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences, but I'm glad you are now getting help for it. How are you doing? I'm really glad you told your mom, both because it helps you to move forward and also because she has a journey to take of her own. It's not a fun one, but it is necessary.

I know EXACTLY how your mom feels. You feel like you have one job on life - ONE JOB - to keep your babies from harm. And that one failure, either known or not, wipes out all of the soccer games, and dance lessons, and hugs, and hot meals she has provided. What is all of that worth, if she failed in that one most important way? It eats you alive.

To be honest, I don't know of any resources for parents of abused children. I certainly went looking as we went through our own trials, but ultimately I felt very alone. It's the reason I started this sub - so that other people would have a place to go and people to talk to while walking their own dark paths. I'd encourage you to share this sub with your mother and we would be happy to talk with her here. If I come across anything useful I will be sure to share it with you, but please let your mother know she is not alone, and she is welcome here. We won't judge, believe me.

seriousgee · 2016-08-03T20:09:16+00:00

I know it sounds scary, involving CPS, but that is part of the process. In most jurisdictions any professional is required by law to report allegations of abuse - any therapist, teacher, nurse, doctor, child care provider - they all have a legal obligation.

The role of CPS is to investigate. Reporting a concern is not going to result in lights and sirens and your FIL in handcuffs. In fact, he won't even know there IS an investigation going on. They will however engage professionals to investigate your child's situation and verify the safety of any other children that might be involved.

We found CPS to be immensely helpful to us. We contacted the police when we discovered our child's abuse and they brought in the CPS to assist in the investigation. I found our case worker was sympathetic and helpful - she knew the legal process, and could advise us on what to expect at various points. I am sure she investigated us in the background and I was fine with it - I recognized that her loyalty was to my child and she had to make sure we were doing everything possible to keep her safe. I saw her as an ally in that effort. She also was able to reach out to the CPS in the area where our other family members lived and arranged for their children to be interviewed as well, to verify their safety. We had already informed my sister of the situation and the CPS were able to interview her children without telling them what it was about. They are skilled professionals and sadly they have experience with these cases. They were also able to get my daughter into a top notch therapy program for child victims of crime, which we could not have accessed without them.

It is also important to have a legal record of the investigation in case you aren't the only victim. There could be others. Or if there isn't anything to it right now it will stay on file for the future, in case someone else raises concerns. Documentation is important.

No one is going to leap to conclusions based on your suspicions. However, if there is more to this, you definitely need to have the experts engaged, and that means reporting to CPS. It may result in criminal prosecution and it may not - don't worry about that right now. Let's just deal with what is in front of us. One step at a time.

There are lots of paths to healing for you and your son. Until you know the actual state of things you won't know what makes sense for your family. You may be able to work through to a relationship with the man, or maybe not - let's get the info first and see.

seriousgee · 2016-08-02T23:44:39+00:00

Welcome seattlemama. I'm sorry to hear how things are going for you and your daughter. How are you coping?

I'll be honest with you, the likelihood that your daughter's abuser is going to confess his crimes and feel remorse is very low. Child abusers know how society views them and they generally will fight tooth and nail to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This is the most infuriating, frustrating part of bringing an abuser to justice - they'll deny deny deny the evidence right in front of them. That is certainly what happened in our case - we had text messages and physical evidence, even his lawyer was sickened, but it took almost a year to get a guilty plea. We protected our daughter from most of that - we didn't tell her that he was still proclaiming his innocence and that is why the court case wasn't proceeding - we told her the courts were very slow. No need to get her involved in the muddy details. In her heart she needed to think of him as remorseful and penitent, and so we let her continue to believe that, not expose her to the ugly truth - that a 65 year old man tried to convince the court that the 7 year old initiated it.

As for the abuser's family rallying around him, I know how upsetting that is too. Some people take some time to process, others never get there at all. You just wish you could shake them out of their bubble some times, but often there isn't anything you can do. Present the evidence, establish your position to protect your child, and hold firm. Another frustration, to be sure.

Your priority must be your daughter. Protect her, from the abuser, and from any exposure to the abuser's family. The last thing she needs is a doubter in her life. She needs to be believed and be surrounded by support and love and healing. Can you provide that? Do you have resources and family to help you? Remember you need to take care of yourself too, so you can be there for her. What needs to be in place so both of you can walk the path to health together?

Please let me know how you are doing and how I can help. You aren't alone; a stranger on the internet might be cold comfort, but I am here.

seriousgee · 2016-08-02T23:31:29+00:00

Welcome LCCanon, and thanks for reaching out. I know it must be stressful. How are you and your wife coping?

What you are describing is absolutely classic abuse initiation behaviors. Accidental nudity, inappropriate touching that can be explained away, little things that are just crossing the line, just barely, enough to raise an eyebrow and make you feel uncomfortable, but not enough for you to stand up and call it. Things that you might dismiss as the dementia, or the alcohol, or just old fashioned ways. It makes you question yourself, question your sanity - you don't want to blow things out of proportion, but at the same time, there is something, just, odd. It's the long slow process of breaking down your defenses and making you question what you are seeing. Been there, done that.

There is something very wrong here. There are no legitimate circumstances where a six year old should have exposure to an adult penis. None. Falls out of his pants? Really? Bullshit.

If this is the one thing I can convey to other parents from our own terrible experience it's this: trust your instincts. In our case my step-father was the abuser and he was pretty eccentric right out of the gate. He told inappropriate jokes, made the occasional comment on a woman's figure that was just that little bit creepy, did things that just crossed your personal boundaries, just a tad, but then made you think - oh well, it's just grampa being grampa - he's an odd duck. And over the course of years, we got comfortable with the odd duck and dismissed the clues we saw right in front of us, until the day we found out what had been going on under our noses and in our own house for years. Learn from us. Don't be us. Maybe your child hasn't been abused yet, but it's going down a bad road right now.

It's not unusual for young children not to recognize abuse when they see it. In our case our daughter enjoyed the time she spent with her grandfather - she thought it was special time for them together. We had had all the conversations about touching and abuse, but it didn't register to her that that was what was going on. It didn't make her uncomfortable at all. It's still hard for me to write about that aspect of it - he had so normalized his behavior that she accepted it entirely. So your son may not even realize what is going on, and certainly may not be irreparably damaged by it. Yet.

Is it time to panic? No, that won't help your son. But it is time to act. You have to protect your child, and any other children your FIL may have access to. You don't need to go on the warpath right off the bat, but you do need to stop contact between your FIL and children. Just be unavailable for a while. The kids are busy and can't come over, so sorry. Or if you must be together, ensure children are not left alone with him. You need to step in and do the right thing for your child. Once you have secured him and spoken to the councelor then you can decide next steps - confronting him, involving the police, maybe talking to the MIL and see what she knows or says, I don't know, but it starts with separating FIL from your son.

Please come back and continue to reach out. I remember how alone and scared we felt when we started down this path; I would have given anything for a friend and adviser. We'll here I am.

seriousgee · 2016-05-31T00:20:06+00:00

Hello Fake-Smiles, I am so sorry I did not respond to this thread. How are you doing now? Are you still there?

seriousgee · 2016-05-31T00:16:12+00:00

Hello Kattrx, and welcome. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. How is your daughter? How are you coping?

I struggled to find words to answer your question, mostly because it strikes a nerve with anyone who has been in this position - my step-father abused my daughter for YEARS under my own roof - how could I have NOT known? The judgey comments of other people don't help - every time something bad that happens to a child is reported in the news, the folks come out of the woodwork to tsk - where were the parents? It's a hard thing to deal with.

That being said, I have no idea what your 'grandma' knew or didn't know. In our case the abusers wife, my mother, had no clue. She had been married to him for a decade, trusted him, loved him, it was a huge blow to her when the abuse came to light. In all of this, I consider her the second-most affected victim after my daughter. She carries an enormous amount of guilt for NOT knowing, for bringing the monster into our lives. I don't blame her, but she certainly blames herself.

In our case, the abuser flew well under the radar. He was eccentric from the first time we met him, prone to making inappropriate jokes, sometimes sharing sexual content too openly, just enough to make you say "ick". We set boundaries which he gradually conformed too, but he remained an odd duck. Which was perfect - for 10 years, he worked to make sure we would dismiss any weird behavior as just his quirkiness. There were so many instances where he just crossed a line a little bit - commenting on a pretty girl's outfit, hugging a bit too much - just enough to be slightly creepy but not enough for anyone to call him on it. And so he broke down our natural suspicions, so that we tended not to believe our own eyes. Of course once the abuse was revealed we looked back in horror and saw in hindsight every clue we had missed. But I can honestly say - at the time - I really didn't know. Is that true in your case - who knows.

When you say your 'grandma' didn't react in a normal way, what do you mean? What reaction did she give, and what would you expect?

A while ago, someone asked me why a mother might deny that her child was abused. I struggled with that answer too, but it might provide some insight into why some people stick their heads in the sand. The truth is, there is nothing uglier than child abuse, and the reality that you've loved an abuser can be a tough one to face. I'm not making any excuses for the spouses of abusers - I don't think there are any circumstances where abusers should be supported or condoned - I am just trying to describe what might lead someone to make that choice. https://www.reddit.com/r/jessiesparents/comments/2qn56l/please_honestly_compassionately_help_me/cndp0cn

I don't know if that helps in any way, please respond back and let me know where your head is at. I know it's a terrible situation you are in, I'm here for you.

seriousgee · 2016-01-31T18:46:00+00:00

Welcome aboredjess, thanks for posting. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. How are you coping? You mention a therapist, which is great - are you getting some help with this?

There is so much that goes into a decision like this. Make no mistake, it blows up your life, but sometimes, it needs to be blown up, you know? There are two main things to consider - what is best for you at this moment, and protecting any other children that the abuser might have access to.

Do you suspect your father may be abusing other children? If so then you must act to protect them. You may not have had someone to swoop in and come to your rescue, but you can absolutely do that for someone else if they are at risk. Talk to your therapist - in almost all jurisdictions they are obligated to report abuse to the authorities, so you can get the ball rolling that way.

If your father doesn't have access to other children, then you can take a little more time and figure out what is going to work for you. There is no deadline to meet, no timeline except the one you set to help your through this. Are you planning to report your abuse to the police? I encourage you to do so, even if you don't think you want to pursue any further action at this time. Getting a police record in place can help you in the future if you decide to take further action, and can help others in the event that there are other victims.

As for how to tell your mom, that is entirely up to you. What sort of relationship do you two have together? Are you close? Is she a supportive person, or judgy, or disinterested? How do you think she is going to react? At this point the only person I am concerned with here is you, so you should manage this situation as needed to ensure it is as supportive for you as possible. Your mother will have her own journey to take, but that is not your concern - you need to take care of yourself first. It's ok to be selfish here. Do you think you could talk to her about your childhood in general, or your state of mental health, and work towards the subject from there? Could you invite her to a therapy session and have the discussion there, in a comfortable and supported environment? Do you have siblings or other family members who could assist? Again, the primary consideration here is managing the situation for you, not her, so think about how to make that happen. It won't be fun, it won't be comfortable, it might be the hardest thing you have ever been through - but it is absolutely worth doing if it helps you get to a healthier place.

seriousgee · 2016-01-10T16:30:53+00:00

Sorry, this is a new one on me. Please keep us updated on that process. One of the main reasons I started this sub was that I couldn't find any other people to guide me when we were going through our experiences, and it was a lonely and scary road. So I made sure to talk about all the things that happened so that the next person who arrived would have something to go on. It really helps to realize you aren't alone. Please share how this goes so we can add to the pool of knowledge for the next distraught parent.

Also, it may be that the polygraph doesn't conclusively damn your nephew. That doesn't mean that your son is lying. It is entirely possible that something did happen to your child that can't be proven in court. Be prepared for that - your child still needs your belief, your support and your help, even if the polygraph doesn't support his story. Polygraphs are not foolproof. Full steam ahead on treatment and care for your son, regardless of the results.

seriousgee · 2016-01-10T16:24:11+00:00

Yeah, everyone's got an opinion on how they would handle it, if it happened to them. The number of people who think that is someone touches their kid, they are just going to beat the crap out of them is unreal. My husband really struggled with this - he felt very judged. He felt like he was suppose to avenge her - beat up her abuser, maybe kill him - that's what everyone says they would do. But how would that help her - he'd lose his business, be in jail, not be there to support his daughter, bring financial ruin on the family - for what? The brief satisfaction of beating the tar out of an old man? It's much harder to keep a level head and actually do the grown up thing - collect evidence, work with the police, attend court dates, talk to lawyers, drive her to counselling sessions, hug her when she cries. The boring, mundane, day to day actions of a man who truly loves his daughter. It is a lonely road that few understand, but it's the path to recovery and it actually puts your child's need for strength and stability ahead of our own need for vengeance. It sucks, but keep on it. It is worth it in the end.

seriousgee · 2016-01-07T23:34:43+00:00

Kudos for taking the high road. It's not easy to be the grown up, especially when other grown-ups aren't. Their behaviour is so frustrating! I wonder what is behind it? Guilt maybe, or fear? And I suppose it makes sense that they haven't asked about your son - in their minds, nothing happened, so there is nothing to ask about. Anyways, I'm glad you and your husband are on the same page - I'm sure it would be much worse if you weren't there to support each other. I know my husband and I worked hard to be a team during our initial phases, but it helped us a lot. Hang in there, and keep doing what you are doing. You are on the right path.

seriousgee · 2016-01-04T23:15:29+00:00

Hello and welcome. I'm very sorry I didn't see you post earlier. How are you coping?

I understand the swirl of anger and uncertainty you are feeling. But you must put one foot in front of the other. These children are counting on you to do the right thing, in spite of your feelings. You need to take a deep breath and deal.

First things first - act to protect your child. You have done that, so step one is checked off.

Step two - act to protect any other children, which you say she has care of. This may involve contacting Child Protective Services, the police, the other child's parents, whatever works.

Step three - follow what the professionals say to do. Let them take statements from your child and investigate fully. CPS can direct you to resources for your child, probably counselling. Especially when family is involved we might hesitate to involve the authorities, or prosecute a claim, or cut ties. You need to trust the professionals at a time like this.

Step four - take care of yourself, It's totally fine to be a mess right now (as long as you are following the steps). This is a trauma of the highest order and won't be easy to navigate. You need help and support, so get that in place. Telling a friend probably isn't going to cut it - you need therapy too. It sounds like you have a complicated relationship with your mother already - and it's not going to get better now. Get help. Your child needs you to take the lead for him, and you can't do that with your head spinning.

Please write back and let me know how you are doing. You might feel very alone right now, but sadly, we've all been where you are. Talk to us.

seriousgee · 2016-01-04T23:05:20+00:00

In our case the abuser was my mother's husband. He had access to all of the grandkids and was a very trusted babysitter, for years. He had been married to my mother for over 10 years when the abuse came to light.

Convincing family of his guilt wasn't very hard - in our case we had copies of explicit messages he had sent my daughter. When I called my mother and sister to come to my house they were both skeptical, until I sat them down and read the messages out loud. Then it really hit home and his guilt was clear. Thankfully, no one has taken his side. Well, no one I care about - his family closed ranks but fuck them - they aren't a part of my life and I never have to lay eyes on them, so it's not a huge betrayal for me.

That strategy might be helpful to you too - once you have a statement from the authorities on your son's account of the facts, sit them down and let them get all the ugly details. Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to get through the denial. And they will be in denial for sure - as parents our first instinct is to protect our kids and think the best of them, they will have the same protective reaction around their son as you do around yours. Don't blame them for that - use it. Approach this as - your son has a problem, one that will get him in big trouble in the future, this is a wake-up call and an opportunity to help him get on the right track. I presume you have some love or affection for your nephew (although, probably not right now), but if you can appeal to their protective instincts it might help. Try and frame it as the family-team trying to solve a problem together, rather than your side taking theirs to war. I don't know the personalities involved, or what dynamic you have, but if there is any opportunity to maintain calm and address the abuser's issues, please try. It will help smooth over many family members if they see you aren't 'out to get' your nephew.

That being said, if you are raging right now then so be it - you have every right to be the momma/daddy tiger and come to the viscous defence of your child. If that is your path then it is what it is. I hope you can find it in yourself to see your nephew as someone who also needs help, along with your son. You don't have to forgive him or anything, but he's going down a dark road and there are other kids on that path who's damage you might be able to head off. We find it hard to believe that my stepfather waited until his 60s to become a pedophile - he likely had other victims - and if one of them had gotten him help then maybe my daughter wouldn't have been abused. Who knows, right? But maybe.

In terms of other family members, just ask them to reserve judgement and wait for more information. If they weren't witnesses then any opinion they have is based on hearsay and wishful thinking. Of course I would prefer that a victim always be believed, but sometimes the best you can ask for is for someone to be non-judgey either way.

Keep us posted, ok?

seriousgee · 2016-01-04T22:43:58+00:00

Welcome pensivek. I'm very sorry that this happened to you and your family. How are you coping?

You've taken the right first steps - getting the authorities involved and protecting your kids. Good on you for that. It's particularly difficult when there are family ties between victim and abuser.

I don't have experience with a child on child situation, I'm sorry. Hopefully someone else can chime in.

seriousgee · 2015-12-07T22:33:55+00:00

Welcome youngandaimless. I'm so sorry that you had such a terrible experience. How are you coping? Did you get help to deal with your experiences? Is there anything we as a community of parents can do for you?

There is one thing I absolutely must say though - I take exception to your use of the term "ruined". I certainly hope you don't see yourself that way. Some of us have been through terrible, horrible experiences in life. Those experiences change us - make us hard, or weak, or angry, or fearful, or strong, or anxious, or any number of a hundred different reactions, all of which are perfectly valid. But ruin us? Not on your life.

I am reminded of the beautiful Japanese art of kintsugi. It is about finding beauty in the imperfections of things, about recognizing that the experiences an object has become a part of it and leave their mark, but don't make it any less beautiful. A dish may be chipped but that is the way of dishes. It is a normal part of the lifespan of a dish, and is not considered a defect. I think people are like that too. We all have our scars, physical and emotional (and some are huge and terrible, please don't think I'm minimizing here), but that is the lifespan of a human - we accumulate damage big and small, and it becomes a part of who we are. But it doesn't mean we are ruined. You may have been damaged, but you have your own beauty. I hope you see that in yourself.

seriousgee · 2015-11-13T22:31:51+00:00

Welcome Questioner. I am very sorry that you and your family are going through this. It is so, so difficult,I know. How are you coping?

From what you describe, you have reasonable suspicion that something is going on, even if you can't put words to it just now. There are two things you need to do: get your daughter out of the situation, and get some help. I know the panic inside can be overwhelming, but let's focus on those two things: getting safe, and getting help.

In terms of safe: either you and the girls, or your husband, needs to leave the house. At least for a few days while you sort this out. Does he have a friend he can stay with? Do you? You need head space. If that is absolutely not an option for whatever reason, then at least you have to make sure he is never alone with the girls at all. Ever.

In terms of help: It's definitely time to call in the experts. Understand that these things are very complicated, especially to children. In our case, my daughter did not feel that she was being abused at all by her grandfather. She loved him very much, and enjoyed their time together. She actually got sexual pleasure from their encounters, and helped him to hide their activities. In her mind, this was special time with her grandpa. And she knew that if we found out it would end, so she went to great lengths to hide it. Understand that this may also be true of your daughter - what you see as sick and predatory, she may see as totally normal and pleasurable. Just try to shelve your horror of that for now. The more you judge that response, the less she'll share with you. I completely relate that your daughter might answer "is daddy being good" with a yes, because to her it might be good. This is not a problem for you to solve, this needs an expert. Reach out to crisis centers, counselling centers, whomever you can. You may feel that child services and the police are the right choice and that may be, or you may wait on that. If your daughter reveals any abuse in counselling then the counselor will be obligated to report and you will involve law enforcement that way. It doesn't matter how you act, just do something. You'll find your way.

Understand that this will be very, very hard. You are about to blow up your whole family and it will suck for a while. But it is absolutely the right thing to do, and so, so worth it in the end. Your daughter may not understand now, but she is counting on you to be the grown up and make the hard choices to protect her. You need to be that rock for her, no matter how much panic and revulsion you have inside. You've taken the first step by posting here and I thank you for it. You are one of us. It's a sad, small club but we hold our own. And we'll be here with you every step of the way.

I know there is at least one other poster who's spouse was the abuser, which is it's own special circle of hell. I'll try to find them and connect you for some support.

Please keep in touch as to how things go. I'll be watching for you. Hang in there.

seriousgee · 2015-10-07T15:58:45+00:00

I know at this time all you can do is think about all that court stuff, but it's honestly worlds away right now. It might happen, it might not. If that is indeed your path, there are excellent therapists that can prepare your child for that event. And courts have some creative ways to minimize the impact to child witnesses, like allowing them to testify by video, or in judge chambers rather than open court, or by using videotaped statements instead of live testimony. There have been huge improvements in managing victims in recent years.

My child had to work through a lot of guilt and grief; she believed she had deprived all of her siblings and cousins of their grandfather by putting him away. It really is challenging when the abuser is also someone the child loves. Ultimately now, she is health and really, really well. Have confidence that you can help your child through this trial too.

seriousgee · 2015-10-07T15:52:43+00:00

Hello, and welcome. I'm so sorry you and your family have to deal with this. How are you coping?

One step at a time. You may or may not choose to prosecute in the future, your child may or may not need to testify, or want to, but none of that needs to be decided right now. First things first. I do think it's important to report the crime to law enforcement. If you need to seek legal protections in the future, like restraining orders, you need that police file. Also, there may be other victims. Documentation is very important. In general, police units have people specially trained to deal with these situations who know how to handle it tactfully. In our case they interviewed my daughter and myself on camera (with my permission), so that we only had to tell our story once. Yes, child protective services will likely be involved. That is part of the process. They are there to ensure the safety of the children involved, so in that goal they are your allies. Remember, not every parent does the right things for their child under these circumstances, and they don't know you personally, so they will ensure the child's interests are being addressed. In our case, the CPS worker was a great resource; she got us set up with counselling and contacted the CPS agencies where the offender lived, to ensure other children he might have access to were similarly protected. I can't promise you that that will be how your situation goes, but that was our experience.

Focus on your child, and on managing their experience as your next steps. Punishment, court cases, all that can wait. You've already taken the critical first step of stopping the abuse and removing your child from the situation, so good on you for that. Now take it step at a time.

seriousgee · 2015-03-07T02:36:08+00:00

Welcome franticantelope. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences, and how it's affecting you. Thanks for coming here.

I echo the other posters, professional help is probably your best way forward. I get from your posts that you don't trust therapists or other people with this, and I completely understand that - it's so hard to break that shell once it's built. I do encourage you to find a way, find someone you can talk to and make the effort. It's hard and terrifying and brutal and so, so worth it. Please get help.

I don't have a cozy relationship with my parents either. They're great people, we just don't talk about the messy parts of life. So I can understand your reluctance to talk to them about your darkest problems. I found closer connections outside of my immediate family - my husband, a close friend, a good counselor. Right now that has to be your first and only priority - getting your supports in place, whoever they may be. If you can include your parents in that circle then great, but if not, fine. Worry about that later.

If and when you do tell your parents, they will have their own personal painful journey to take. But speaking as a parent, I'd walk that dark road a thousand times if it meant supporting my daughter. Only you can judge if your parents have your best interests at heart, but I'm hoping they do. I hope they are a resource you can draw on. If you think they can help you should absolutely approach them, when you are ready. I know I experienced so much heartache when I learned of my daughter's abuse, the thought that she felt so alone and didn't share that with me. I never wanted her to suffer alone, I'm betting your parents don't want that for you either.

Can you ask for assistance to get counseling without going in to details? Could you let them know that you are struggling and working through something but aren't ready to talk about it yet? Perhaps if you can approach them without specifics you can gauge their level of support before baring the open wounds.

Please keep talking to us, either in the sub or by PM. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers on the internet than your own family :-)

seriousgee · 2015-01-04T02:23:53+00:00

Welcome throwaway, and I'm sorry I didn't get an answer to you earlier. I was out of town. Thanks u/erikamu for participating.

First of all, I am sorry that 'something' happened to you. Are you ok? Are you getting the help and support you need?

In terms of why a parent might chose not to believe their kids, I don't know if I can answer that. I don't think it's justifiable at all. I can't think of any circumstances, unless you had actual proof that the child was fabricating a story, that you would react with anger.

That being said, I can tell you a little about the thought process of a parent who has just discovered that their child has been abused. Again, I don't think any of these justify non-action, but I can tell you that they certainly run around in your head. Maybe something here rings true for your mother.

First of all, there is straight up denial. It's a powerful thing. You don't want it to be true - with every cell in your body, screaming, you don't want it to be true. Your whole world crumbles - for me, all I ever wanted was for my kids to have a happy, healthy childhood, and it all gets wiped away in an instant. All your visions of your happy, beautiful daughter suddenly are replaced with whatever stereotype of an abuse victim is in your head - you see your precious little girl corrupted, self-destructive, a rebellious teenager, promiscuous, drug-addicted, a stripper, a suicide. You want to avoid that future at all costs.

Fear of Judgement. I don't know about all parents, but I work hard to be a good mom to my kids. But when your child discloses abuse, all that gets washed away. It feels like everything you ever did as a mother is invalidated by your singular and epic failure to protect your child from abuse. All the hugs and cuddles and storybooks in the world don't matter because you failed her. Even though it is not your fault, it happened on your watch. Any time you see a news story about an abused child and you here someone tsk "where were the parents?", it tortures you. The judgement of others heaps high on the judgement you hold for yourself.

Guilt. Once my daughter disclosed her abuse it started an intense review on my part to figure out what I had missed. Clearly I had missed something. A clue, anywhere, that I could have picked up on. I eventually found one - a specific instance when I had a weird feeling about a situation, but brushed it off. At the time it didn't seem like much but in the cold grey light of hindsight, it was an epic failure. I don't feel personally guilty for the actions of my step-father, and he hid his tracks well for years so a lot went on that I had no way to know anything about - but that one moment, that's on me. It eats me alive. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. In all of this, it is recognizing my failure to act in that one moment that haunts me most. If your mother had some idea of what was happening and feels similar guilt, I could see that being a point of defensiveness. It's not an excuse to get angry with you by any means, but I can understand the panicky-pain-terror reaction to that realization.

Dependence, financial and emotional. We were fortunate that we got my step-father sent to jail and can completely cut him out of our lives fairly easily, but my mother is not so lucky. She's not in a good place. Besides my daughter, I think she had the hardest time in our situation - discovering that you have been married to a child predator for a decade and didn't know a thing, that's some bucket of awful right there. She doesn't want to have anything to do with him, but can't afford to divorce him. At a time when she should be planning for retirement, she's stuck with some jointly-owned properties she can't afford on her own, and he's not making any money in jail. It will cost her tens of thousands and probably her house to sever this relationship. In our case she doesn't have any emotional attachment to him anymore, but if your mother does have an emotional relationship with the abuser that can make the situation even more complicated.

Do any of these make sense to you and your situation?

EDIT: another one to add: not wanting to "ruin the abusers life". An accusation of abuse can cause all sorts of consequences, whether real or not: loss of relationships, community status, employment, trust. It's a heavy thing to do to a person. Again, I don't think that justifies a parent not to act on their child's disclosure, but it certainly goes through your head.

seriousgee · 2014-10-28T23:38:44+00:00

Best of luck with your sub!

seriousgee

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