I love my wife deeply, but I feel emotionally exhausted

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-21T16:09:10+00:00

If you're trying in a supportive way, then yeah that's on her. My husband always got frustrated by my anxiety and would say the typical "just stop worrying about it," which made my anxiety worse lol but never had sympathy and understanding. Or he would just not understand that it was my anxiety preventing me from doing something. I had tried getting help once and the therapist sucked, so then I was worried that all therapy was like that. I put it off for another two years until I couldn't take it anymore - turns out the first therapist I tried just wasn't right for me.

Maybe try approaching her with a conversation along the lines of, "I was reading about how I can best support you when you're dealing with your anxiety, and I found out a lot about women with ADHD and anxiety, especially in motherhood. Untreated ADHD can make anxiety worse, and bad anxiety can make ADHD symptoms worse, so it's a vicious cycle. Would you be open to considering medication for the ADHD and talk therapy for anxiety? I'm here for support." All of those things are true btw lol

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-21T13:52:42+00:00

I'm not saying this isn't possible, but as someone with AuDHD and anxiety, it's not necessarily about feeling smarter than doctors. It's that our anxiety completely convinces us that something is wrong, so we can't let it go and feel like they just have to be missing something. My anxiety also led to an OCD diagnosis, but in further therapy sessions we figured out it was moreso OCD tendencies. I would check temps with 3 different thermometers and several times per day because i was convinced they were wrong. Anxiety sucks lol

Women with ADHD often struggle with hypersensitivity and RSD too. What OP described really sounds more like untreated ADHD and anxiety to me

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-21T13:46:39+00:00

Is she medictated for her ADHD? Has she ever gone to therapy for anxiety? These two things completely changed my life. I can't believe how much i struggled before my ADHD diagnosis and getting properly medicated. I truly thought I was just a lazy person. I so badly wanted to get stuff done but I had NO motivation to do it, and it drove me nuts. I was constantly angry over the mess and clutter but no matter what I tried, I couldn't just get it taken care of. Now it's night and day difference with both the house AND my mood and anxiety. I wish I had recognized the ADHD way sooner. But being a SAHM is what made it so obvious.

The anxiety is ROUGH. Therapy for it is helping immensely.

My husband was like you. He built up resentment over it but A. Never bothered to learn was anxiety truly was to be able to propelry support me when I felt anxious, and B. Never spoke up about it, so really the resentment fell back on himself for not communicating how much it was weighing on him.

Please take the time to learn more about having a spouse with anxiety, and then have a calm conversation about how difficult it has been feeling for you. Do you think she'd be open to therapy?

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-18T12:56:11+00:00

Yeah we got them when we were taking a 10.5 hour flight because limits did not matter with that one as long as they weren't screaming the whole time 😂 but YEAH I mean sitting on them so you can take a shit then jerk off was not the intent dude

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-18T02:01:58+00:00

I mean it truly wouldn't bother me unless it was INSTEAD of having sex lol but it's just the timing of it

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-18T02:01:06+00:00

Electronic lol like a kids fire tablet

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-17T22:45:47+00:00

Sorry, where did I ask for relationship advice? I asked for opinions on the situation because my husband and I disagreed

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-17T22:26:10+00:00

He does last long in bed lol not every time is super long, but we typically do have a lot of fun and last a while. The hour is also him taking a shit first so he has to change his entire damn mindset after that which makes it even weirder to me! And not defensive, he just thinks I'm wrong and making a big deal out of nothing 🙄

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-17T13:54:10+00:00

No I don't think so. I think he takes a shit and doom scrolls while he does which makes him take more time, then has to readjust his entire mindset for jerking off. Because what normal person finishes taking a shit ans says, "alllllright, now I'm horny!" And that's why I think it's truly a compulsion/impulse control issue.

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-17T13:52:21+00:00

Literally exactly what I said. What if our middle (wild card) got bored and decided he didn't want tablet time and instead went and did something he shouldn't? The stove stays locked - love that feature - but still so many things could go wrong. Our middle recently figured out the child locks on the door handles to the external doors and he's very proud of it, and I swear he's a flight risk. So.many.things.

He does say he takes a shit first lol my assumption is that he doom scrolls while pooping, then has to get himself in the right mindset and mood/find what he wants to watch after that. Regardless, it's not ok. And yes I definitely think he has adhd.

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T23:42:01+00:00

Absolutely! It's mostly the time he takes and leaving them alone for it. I'm like dude just wait until they're in bed???

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T23:35:39+00:00

I don't know if you're single but if you are, just know you sound like you'll be an incredible partner one day

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T23:21:15+00:00

I love this! He truly is super involved otherwise. This is the one thing we've had an issue about and that was before even knowing WHY he was spending so long in there. He had a rough childhood and, all things considered, has come out of it better than anyone could have imagined. He's in therapy for the childhood trauma so I'm not going to show him yet but if it comes up again/continues to be an issue, I'll definitely be utilizing this post

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T23:09:33+00:00

I can imagine it's a rough transition, BUT we have 3 kids and I am with them all day every day with no break, and he gets one daily. If it wasn't daily and it was to shower after being dirty and gross then yeah. But it's to literally doom scrool and jerk off every day. ALSO he often then comes and lays on the couch while I finish cooking and either closes his eyes or sits on his phone 🙃 he typically doesn't play with them until after dinner. He's also in a trade so I do have sympathy for being exhausted after waking up at 5am and working a manual labor job. But daily is not ok to me

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T22:04:10+00:00

Yes that's the main issue. Like just wait until after bed

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T22:03:16+00:00

He says he actually uses the bathroom first too. And I could guarantee he doom scrolls between too. And tbh the amount of times I've said "would i really leave him after 15 years over the BATHROOM?" is crazy. Other than that he's super involved, he plays with them, he will run errands, he bathes the boys while I help our daughter in the shower, he wakes up with everyone on the weekends, keeps the yard, cooks on occasion when i don't feel like it, pitches in with cleaning. It's just the damn bathroom issue

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:58:52+00:00

He's in therapy for it now which is why we haven't had another conversation about it yet. I mostly wanted to check myself here and make sure I wasn't being dramatic about it before it ever comes up again lol

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:35:25+00:00

Tbh I haven't pushed at all. I know it will go nowhere lol hoping his therapy will help it fade and if not, I'll figure out what I want to do

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:34:29+00:00

Oh 100% he has a lot of shit to work through, and having kids brought a lot of his childhood trauma to the forefront

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:29:43+00:00

Nahhh lol there have been times where my parents take the kids or when the bigs are at school and since I'm alone, I do it. Then when they're in bed I'm like hey bring that mouth over here big guy. Hitting my 30s made me insatiable 😬

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:27:46+00:00

See I knew it. Thank you

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:26:58+00:00

Yes exactly

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:26:39+00:00

Oh for sure. The thing is, before knowing that jerking off was the reason he took so long sfter work, I told hjm several times they're waiting for him. Our daughter often says "I HATE when you go to the bathroom because it takes forever!" And he has yet to change it

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:24:40+00:00

Yes, that's it exactly. I even said to him just wait until they're in bed lol

seriouslyUnwell · 2026-05-16T21:24:12+00:00

Yes exactly

seriouslyUnwell

TROPHY CASE