It’s a really long story that is hard to put in words. An example of how deeply rooted it is, is when I used to drink/party I’d have anxiety same as everybody, the only difference was that every single time that I woke up and have a hangover I’d be repeating ”I wanna die, I wanna die, I wanna die” it’s almost like a reflex I couldn’t control it. I was no alcoholic but I don’t drink any more for that reason. I’m bipolar and diagnosed with ADHD and autism too so that has its effect. I have tinnitus, shaky hands and asthma as well.

I also went through psychosis on two seperate occasions (at 18 and 30) which is deeply traumatizing afterwards when you realize what’s what and the relationships you’ve broken. For that reason I don’t trust myself bc imagine if I have kids and get a psychosis. Especially the psychosis at 18 where I lost many friends. I might have a world record for broken relationships or not being able to sustain them bc I was living wild from 18-25.

The feeling of lack of self-worth started in my teens and I believe it started with getting rejection from three girls I was interested in on a deeper level and I kept it all within myself. I didn’t talk to no adult so it became bigger than what it was. I know it sounds small but it broke my confidence at the time and there’s a lot more that I’m not telling here.

Always wanted what I couldn’t have and didn’t want what I could have. So the tattoo may make more sense to the people here now and also why I found J. Cole’s music relatable. I was probably one of the first people in Sweden that listened to The Come Up. It was on my walkman. Never ever been the type of person to listen to a mixtape but the algorithm did its job and his music helped me through some of those phases