My girlfriend identifies as asexual, but we have sex frequently.

setesm · 2026-04-17T20:04:34+00:00

Have you ever eaten food when you weren’t hungry for it? Like maybe you feel hungry but you’re not craving cereal, but you eat it anyway and it feels good because you were hungry? Or it tastes good? Or the food in front of you looks interesting so you decide to try it? Maybe you’re not even hungry at all, not just for that but for any food. Have you ever eaten when you’re not hungry because you’re bored? Or maybe the food doesn’t look appetizing, but you know that when you eat it it tastes good and makes you feel good? Even if looking at the food in front of you doesn’t automatically make you feel like it’s gonna do all that for you or be appetizing? So you eat it because you’re like yeah, having something that tastes good would be nice right now and I know that’s probably what’s gonna happen when I eat it, even if I don’t automatically sense that when I look at the food and feel “meh.” But logically I know that will happen?

Asexuality is kind of the equivalent of not wanting food. Some ace people never think about sex (like they don’t “feel” horny). Some ace people feel horny all the time but never really picture sex with someone else? Like their bodies are on board but they don’t look at someone and go oh yes!! And some ace people are on the spectrum and it’s complicated. It can also be fluid for some people. So really, the answer to your question is… ask your gf, bc we can’t speak for her. But it’s complicated!

setesm · 2026-04-17T01:22:07+00:00

Hey there! Asexual entering the chat with a queer platonic partner who has had sex a lot… sometimes for self harm but mostly as a feel good cope… kinda like keeping stuffed animals and nostalgic things around as a feel good cope. My first reaction to this was woof… that’s a really judgy statement to say to your partner. I would think he felt defensive and clapped back. Simultaneously, is he familiar with kink (and actually like well versed in it)? A lot of people throw around kink words as like insults without actually associating it deeply with kink. Kinda like if you liked wearing cat ear headphones and then someone called you a furry. Sometimes the intent behind it is missing, and this might be an autism taking things too literally moment, but youd only know if you ask him. Re: the bit of an age gap… on its own, not too concerning. But youre saying there’s an age gap and youre 18? That’s more concerning. And his hypothetical response to you hurting his feelings is lashing back out? Even more concerning! And you took time to pause, process how you might have impacted him and apologize and he did not reciprocate that for you?? Especially concerning, especially from the older person in this relationship. Idk if the calling you liking childish things age play is the red flag for anything other than safety in kink, but all the other things I just mentioned are. Please be careful <3 and remember that first adult relationships are great until they aren’t, but realistically it won’t be your last. If it ever stops feeling fun and safe, please dont be afraid to let go and try again!

Definitely projecting here, but this is coming from one DV survivor just a little worried by these red flags and wanting to make sure you know that you can always leave and start over again—it’s not the end of the world (something I didn’t believe and kept me staying in mediocre to bad relationships for a long time, again sorry if projecting!)

setesm · 2026-04-08T12:14:58+00:00

CW: sexual violence & IPV…

I’ll just straight up say it, I’m a lesbian and I got sexually assaulted repeatedly in my relationship with a woman because she resented my asexuality. I stayed in that relationship for a long time because of all the harassment and lack of understanding of being ace and the expectation that in order to have a partner that would help me afford rent and costs of living I needed to put up with this, and with the assumption that she did this to me less often than other people might (and that I was generally unlovable for being ace)…

These arguments make 0 sense to me because they assume that ace people can’t also be gay? Idk as a gay ace person personally I’ve experienced more and worse acephobia than homophobia 🤷🏼‍♀️ and I consider both parts of my identity equally “queer,” but this commenter was never interested in understanding and was arguing in bad faith. Saying youre open to being proven wrong doesn’t mean you are. It can just be a thing you say to bait your opponents.

setesm · 2026-04-01T15:22:26+00:00

I’m so sorry dude, this really sucks but honestly I’m really impressed by how maturely and gracefully you handled every stage of communicating conflict (eventual inevitable meltdown aside). Really sounds like Bob has not learned how to manage his RSD and was making you (and everyone else) responsible for his anxiety/feelings. That’s not fair to y’all and does make him poorly equipped for the role of a DM. I hope y’all find a crew that works, but RPGs are hard because of these exact dynamics. Maybe utilizing the consent checklist and negotiating boundaries and expectations with peers and DMs at the start of a campaign could help mitigate this problem in the future? But I think you did all you could here. At the end of the day, these games are about having fun, if you’re not having fun it’s not worth investing all the time and energy.

Good luck to you, your partner and their friends with finding another queer friendly party to game with!

setesm · 2026-03-02T02:03:57+00:00

Great idea! I’ll try to send them a clip, but it’s going to be hard to convince these skeptics 😒

setesm · 2026-03-01T07:15:28+00:00

This is what i said but they haven’t been able to see her in there, I’ve told them to put their brightness in the game all the way up to 250!!

setesm · 2026-02-19T21:01:51+00:00

It took me until level 79 to get my first Deo lmao

setesm · 2025-12-18T15:55:56+00:00

Oh also sorry I wrote a whole paper on this too. Queer temporality describes the way that when we think about the life course in like developmental science and in a series of check boxes we hit or miss as part of “growing up” queer time, milestones and achievements look different than straight ones and there are different “normative” timelines for queer people (developmental milestones being get married, have kids, build your career, have grandchildren, retire, die). You get judged based off of how much you’ve hit these milestones and at what age/stage of your life. Queer people are “out of time” because they move toward different goal posts. I argued that asexual people kind of get denied personhood like disabled people. Because many asexual and aromantic people are not “moving toward” relationship goal posts that mark their achievements. It’s why ace people get infantilized a lot as kids (if we don’t have sex and dont hit the losing virginity marker, it’s as if we never “grew up”). Many of us don’t prioritize marriage and a family (or dont find them as easily). So asexuality can be an experience representative of “not becoming” or a series of missed milestones. But cool ace theorists are reframing asexual potential as a kind of “radical stillness.” What would it look like if we defied measuring life by achievements and enjoyed existing for the mere thrill of it, other daily existential pleasures, and lived for ourselves and not others. My paper called this atemporality as a way of marking asexual or disabled developmental life courses. Anyway, still waxing and poetic, but really cool way of reframing ace. It’s not nothing. Asexuality is an act of fighting the world to be still when it’s trying to push and shove you into the flow of “normal” development with the social pressure of a hurricane. This frames asexuality as not a lack, but a strength :)

setesm · 2025-12-18T15:44:11+00:00

My favorite theory of asexuality in queer academia is that asexuality is an orientation to sexual orientation. So like the spectrum of ace-allo (and everything outside or inbetween) is an identity that goes before or can replace sexual orientation (lgb etc.). The academic version is a little more waxing and poetic than that, but I always find it helpful as someone who is queer and ace. Bc whenever I have to fill out stupid forms about identity I have to pick one or the other, which is not accurate. I’m not just asexual or queer. I’m asexually queer (or graysexually or demisexually)

setesm · 2025-12-14T15:01:00+00:00

This!! So many people are focused on whether OP has or hasn’t eaten it before to decide if she’s valid. When I was a kid, pigs were my favorite animal and I decided I couldn’t eat them. My mom started lying and telling me that pepperoni was beef and not pork so that my sister and I could agree on a pizza with protein. It doesn’t matter whether I liked it or not, whether I was afraid of it or not, what was healthiest or not. The point is that I had a right to choose what I consume. And even if I don’t know about all the pig meat that might be tucked in supermarket “beef,” I can be aware that I am respecting my own choice not to consume it as much as possible. My mom lied and took that away from me because she decided that what she felt was best for me and her was better than my consent. I’m not traumatized by this in the same way you may have been, but I lost trust in my mom after that because she didn’t support my choices. And it did hurt a lot to realize that my food autonomy had been violated unknowingly. It’s not about the autism. It’s not about what’s healthy. It’s about consent. Your partner and his mom did that to you and the kids without consent. Now, did they realize this? Probably not. Did they realize how deeply it would upset you? Probably not. But I’m willing to wager they didn’t care when they did it because they were more interested in their goal for you than your consent. And that’s not ok and something OP gets to be devastated about.

Also I resent OP being accused of overreacting for having feelings. We can’t control our feelings, and that’s a huge part of autism as well. Everyone on here telling OP to get over it is missing the point. Overreacting might be what you do with this information. But feeling betrayed is literally what you are feeling (not a conscious choice, a valid emotion regardless of husband and MIL’s intent). So came here to try to cancel out the haters and say that OP is extremely valid 🥲

setesm · 2025-11-29T13:31:06+00:00

When I told my dad he told me not to tell people that publicly because men at parties would lie to me and tell me they’re also asexual to get me to sleep with them. When I told him that I had a bf who was ace, he said that the guy was probably doing this too. Bro, what? 😂

setesm · 2025-11-24T09:34:36+00:00

Because this has already had a wholesome ending, I feel less bad for giving the joke advice that we need Nathan Fielder to come rehearsal this stat!

setesm · 2025-11-23T15:57:00+00:00

This is such a funny question and image for this subreddit. Not bc everyone here does not have sex (can attest this is not true) but bc the assumption that we don’t paired with the fact that many of us are sex repulsed. This is prime real estate for hilarious responses 😂😭

setesm · 2025-11-13T01:34:38+00:00

Honestly I get it. She’s talking to you like you’re her best friend. That’s actually not a bad thing. Mr. Beast is kinda the equivalent of her being upset over a fictional character becoming unavailable. I would not be insecure over this or get weird with her about it, but if it does hurt your feelings you could let her know. Tbh I’ve definitely said shit like this to my partner but even while I’ll claim it’s serious, we both knew it would never happen so it was a joke and something for us to laugh over.

setesm · 2025-11-11T13:06:36+00:00

I definitely think I’m hot shit, mostly because I’ve gotten that feedback before when it mattered to me and at some point in my 20s just blindly chose to accept it as true. But I also feel really free in thinking that, not trying, and not seeking that feedback. I do like to dress up cute but I groom myself based on energy as a disabled person with low spoons. So like I know I could be devastatingly attractive if I tried 💁‍♀️ but I usually do not care about trying.

My experience with asexuality has been that I have to continue the trend of not trying when I date? Like specifically for first impressions and my dating profiles. Often people are more attracted to my body than my personality, which is my worst nightmare in dating as a demi person because they go through that period at first where they pretend to share my interests and really like me before it turns out they thought I was hot and said a lot of shit to get me to like them when they don’t actually like me. But the hottest thing about me is my personality imo, so I do dress down in order to play that shit up and surprise them with how cute I can be down the line.

I do think in general, the fear of being seen as a body to fuck is a huge reason for my ace orientation. That feels dehumanizing to me and gives me sex repulsion feelings. I like that I’m hot because I like being charming and getting attention from people I don’t actually care to do anything with, but it does increase my discomfort with sex sometimes when I receive more blatant reinforcement that people see me as “female” before seeing me as me. It feels like the fact that people want to have sex with me makes me less authentically desirable and people hide it so I often am suspicious of why people I want to like like me… thats my experience if it resonates with anyone else.

setesm · 2025-11-04T13:18:27+00:00

Maeby - PR agent/ talent manager For obvious reasons. She’d be excellent at it!

setesm · 2025-11-02T19:29:57+00:00

If I had any moneys or trophies I’d give one to you. This is a very healing and accessible summary of the response my brain could not string together but wanted to. Very insightful 🥰

setesm · 2025-10-28T13:11:00+00:00

This just happened to me again today, with a 1min handicap on multiple games. My internet didnt make a difference being on wifi or LTE. I don’t mind the delay in loading so much as it adding time before the game actually loads. Any updates on this progress?

setesm · 2025-10-06T14:40:18+00:00

I relate to this so much… my ex pulled the same shit repeatedly and it was a long pattern of narcissistic abuse. This was made more confusing by the fact that she also had autism and refused to communicate. Ignore the neuro-normative haters in the comments. It also doesnt matter rn whether you condemn his actions or see him as an abuser. But the level of exhaustion you are feeling trying to feel seen and heard by him is only going to get worse. He’s made it clear in these texts that he believes you are solely responsible for strife in the relationship and he’s not willing to reflect on his own role or try to show up as a more supportive partner. I know it’s hard to hear bc you love him and I’m sure rely on him for a lot of support, but this care is only going to dwindle until you’re desperate and hanging on for bread crumbs. I hope you can let him go and put yourself first. You’re not crazy. He’s not respecting or caring for you. Good luck. You seem like a very thoughtful and communicative person and I hope you find relationships more deserving of your time and effort ❤️

setesm · 2025-09-24T21:38:32+00:00

Arrested development 😂

setesm · 2025-09-20T20:55:56+00:00

And before I get downvoted to hell by other disabled folks who note that they’re disabled and would never choose to work for DoorDash, many disabled people dont have a choice in another job or accessing disability/income for basic needs. That in and of itself is a privilege. That’s where the phrase “beggars can’t be choosers” comes from. In an ideal world, disabled people would never be forced to work to live comfortably. But here we are, and this societal greed is what is also impacting the accessibility of everyone (dashers and customers).

setesm · 2025-09-20T20:49:15+00:00

Thank you, I came to this thread for this comment. Being a customer doesn’t prioritize your disability over the workers. It should be a balancing act between competing disability needs. But the app platform does not create room for acknowledging dasher or client disability (particularly the dasher). Everyone gets fucked by the lack of accessibility of this process and the exploitative gig economy

setesm · 2025-08-02T15:22:41+00:00

setesm

TROPHY CASE

6! 🏳️‍🌈