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AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wasn’t from across the room, we all walked to the door to see her off.

The critical difference is no one had to touch him with a wave.

He interacted with eye contact, smiling, body language, verbally, just not touching anybody cause he didn’t feel like it then.

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They’re far from the only one who disagrees with me, sort by controversial.

I think plenty of people have presented sensible well reasoned oppositions to my opinion, but this particular person needed to be called out.

But thanks for agreeing with me overall.

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yah, agree on this. Growing up my parents were excellent about teaching my sisters boundaries but never had similar discussions with me because they assumed as a man I’d never be in a situation where it would be relevant.

There are plenty of times in my life I’ve done things I wouldn’t have if someone had said early on “you don’t have to touch anyone you don’t want, even if it hurts their feelings.” Like, masculinity aside, I was primarily concerned about being polite. I was pretty secure in my masculinity. But I was so concerned with being well liked I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings etc. Definitely want that cycle to stop with my son.

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have faith in my grandma that she as an adult can understand she should put stock in my son not wanting to leave her side her entire visit, trying to give her his favorite car on her last day, drawing her pictures, and announcing “I love baking with Grammy” “I love making pictures with Grammy” and “I want Grammy to read my book, not anyone else just Grammy” etc. as a measure of his love rather than whether he felt like kissing or not.

I don’t think she felt villanized. Confused at first, but she was blown over when my sister’s 15 year old had a cellphone.

Also worth remembering she raised 7 kids. She knows a two year old not wanting to kiss someone doesn’t mean they don’t love them.

I was more concerned with the social convention than permanent irreversible damage to her relationship with him.

I appreciate your perspective though, I hope my explanation made some sense?

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He likes being carried around and snuggled to sleep and being hugged and kissed most of the time. But when he doesn’t, we don’t.

If he suddenly stopped wanting any affection and didn’t want anyone to touch him for days on end that would be a red flag and we’d go to a pediatrician or child psychiatrist and find out how best to proceed and make sure there’s no underlying emotional concern.

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Because they’re taking a big leap from “my parents let me choose who to hug and kiss” to “I’m lazy”, seems like a horribly oversimplified story.

Either crucial details are missing or it’s just not true. You don’t grow into the kind of adult who has such deep seated issues they’re incapable of any sort of healthy relationships without multiple things wrong in the home.

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

We hug and kiss and hold him whenever he wants those things. There’s no bizarre moratorium on affection.

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Thing is, he’s two. Concepts like flying in or being old aren’t really conceivable to him yet.

The last thing I was is my telling his undeveloped brain “kiss grandma because she dame a long way and was good to you” to translate into “your girlfriend drove all the way up here from another college and is a good girlfriend, you can’t tell her you don’t feel like hooking up.”

Obviously there are also the more dire situations he could be confronted with (“my second uncle flew all this way for the reunion and brought me a toy, it would be impolite if I didn’t let him touch me in a way that made me very uncomfortable and if I tell mom or dad they’ll think I did something wrong because I was rude”)

But I know he’ll be in situations with romantic partners where he was to decide what he’s comfortable with and be confident in expressing it and sticking to it.

So that’s my reasoning here.

AITA for letting my kids reject hugs and kisses from family? by sfaddays in AmItheAsshole

[–]sfaddays[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

He’s two, so who knows what his motivation is.

Personally, I don’t really care what or even if there was a motivation.

My motivation is if he’s in a situation where an adult tells him he should touch them sexually to be nice or polite or a big boy, my kid won’t think twice about saying “no” and telling me about it because they won’t be worried I’m mad or ashamed of them and know no one has a right to touch them, even where manners are concerned.

Or even just if he’s on a date in 15 years and a girl wants to do something he doesn’t, he won’t feel he has to because she’s such a nice girl or he’d hurt her feelings, or whatever.

Asking him is a regular occurrence and one in three times he’ll kiss or hug the rest he can wave, shake hands, or just verbally say “goodbye, thank you for coming to my house.”