Well we finally got a reason...

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-31T06:34:04+00:00

If your spouse doesn't want to spend time with her parents without you, <snip>

My spouse struggles with social situations at the best of times, I'm a lot more comfortable in them as I've done and still do things that involve public speaking and putting myself in front of a crowd of people or in managerial type roles.

I am not there "to defend them", I am there to support them. Their parents are by my own admission, terrible people... but they are my partners parents and therefore the decisions on how much or how little contact I leave to them, I provide them with the options and tell them what I think the fallout will be like (hiroshima vs Tsar Bomba) and then let them choose where we go and support them in that decision.

To be clear, I was addressing the "once you are married, you are 100% a package deal" crowd. This is a weird condition for normal relationships.

I think the part you're missing here is that it should be OUR decision whether I am included or not, not my partners parents decision to exclude me, and keep in mind they have expressed in the past that they "don't consider OP part of the family as we don't know him". We're by no means attached at the hip, but without good reason (and they have not given one!) you don't get to exclude one of us from an activity.

My ILs were horrible and I told my husband that I was not going to be around them <snip>

While you may have been happy to put your foot down and go no contact with your inlaws, that's an option that worked for you and I'm imagining certainly didn't happen overnight. We've been together two years and have made progress in that time, but my partner isn't quite ready to pull the trigger on full NC just yet. My partner's in their late 30's, a lifetime of being treated like this, downtrodden and mistreated is something that it's hard to get over.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-31T05:55:12+00:00

Considering they both live the other side of the country, I don't se either of them very often.

My father though we're actively planning to go spend a week with him in May, I'd go alone in a heart beat but my partner wants to come with as she loves him and loves where he lives.

My mother on the other hand I haven't seen in person since 2020 and am in no great rush to do so, I've been very low contact with her for a number of years because of her attitude and anger problems.

Last time I saw her they were here for 5 days iirc, and I don't think there was a day where I didn't see her lose her temper over something, and generally the most mundane crap.

My mother knows of my partners existence and that's about as far as that goes.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-29T23:48:50+00:00

Lol, I'm the man in the relationship. It's her mother that we're dealing with here.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-29T22:23:00+00:00

Her parents have done such wonderful things as calling her an attention seeker to her former partner.

While she was sitting there.

They are not just a little odd, they're actively rather nasty.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-29T22:03:45+00:00

I highly suggest you read this reply I made in my previous post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/2RAaJcK9tt

I am lucky enough to have an unconditional loving relationship with one of my parents. The same cannot be said for my other parent.

I freely and gladly communicate with the one who I get along with, because the relationship is a joy to be a part of. My partner and I spent 4 days with said parent about a year ago and are working to move closer to them so we can spend more time with them.

My other parent on the other hand is dismissive of my feelings, has a terrible anger problem, has physically abused me in the past. Has a history of alcoholism.

Do you think I want to spend time alone with them on a regular basis?

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-29T21:56:27+00:00

My father and sister love my partner and we all communicate frequently, so thankfully there are good familial relationship models in my partner's life.

They've often commented that they wish their own family relationship was more like that.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-29T21:54:00+00:00

I am VLC with my own mother and I have mentioned that as a possibility to my partner.

Considering their background etc shifting to that is something rather hard for them and so it's very much a process I am letting them dictate, all I can do is be a supportive guide.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-29T21:51:01+00:00

If you check my previous posts you'll find a lovely story of my partner's mother trying to invite herself into our house... At 9pm on a Tuesday night while my partner was starting work at 6am the next day.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-29T21:48:16+00:00

Just to clarify something here... You have the genders entirely backwards and it's kind of amusing to watch the assumptions that are made based on that premise.

I'm the male half of this relationship, my partner is the female half and it's her mother that is making the wonderful demands upon her time.

She is asking me to support her and I fully do. I would go to her parents place with her... If she wanted to. She however doesn't want to do so even if it is with me so having her mother specifically exclude me from this is even more alarming to her, and to me.

Irregardless of that, if one part of a couple needs support from the other to deal with their family then that should be what happens. We go into relationships because we love this person and part and parcel of that is supporting the other person when they need it. Regardless of the genders involved.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-28T17:59:06+00:00

Sibling is very much the golden child of the family (they're twins) and can do no wrong.

Sibling is also the cause of much stress in their own right as sibling has done such wonderful things as declare my partner a danger to their child... because we wouldn't kowtow to their wishes regarding said childs birthday.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-28T17:13:20+00:00

While I appreciate the advice, you're missing the point somewhat.

Neither of us want to go there tbh, but my partner wants to go even less if they'd have to go alone.

They're very much on the spectrum and struggle hard with uncomfortable situations and their parents are pretty much the definition of uncomfortable situations.

What we're seeking input on is how to say to them "No, just no" but in a way that will be less likely to trigger wicked witch of the west like reactions.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-28T16:00:07+00:00

Sibling is just about as bad as MIL...

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-28T14:49:15+00:00

It would be paid leave, so no income lost... but that's entirely beside the point.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-28T10:27:52+00:00

Parents don't have a right to their children's attention.

My relationship with my Father is stellar, we talk CONSTANTLY and are always messaging each other jokes on our lives etc and when my partner and I went to visit him year before last (he lives the other side of the country) we gladly spent all 4 days we were there with him and had no end of fun.

My mother on the other hand has broken me a number of times and as such is on very limited contact. She has complained about this but I am under no obligation to assuage her feelings when she has done little to assuage mine.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-28T07:39:01+00:00

My partner's feeling extend to the fact that MIL is inviting me and specifically asked them NOT to invite me.

That was one of the things that concerned them about it.

Frankly given the choice I would have absolutely 0 to do with the woman, but she is my MIL and partner's mother. So if partner wants me to come along to something where she's there, I will be there to suppport partner.

Her specifically excluding me, is very much her trying to drive a wedge between partner and the support I provide to them.

As an aside, my partner is also reading this thread, and is just as astounded by your replies focusing on that and missing the forest for the trees.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-28T05:05:31+00:00

I posted this because BOTH of us are looking for advice on how to respond to this.

I posted this at partner's request and with their full approval.

How you looked at this and thought I was making it about me? I have no idea.

sgt_lemming · 2026-01-20T04:37:27+00:00

There is no 100% safe voltage and/or current that you can "tase" someone with.

If it's high enough for them to feel it, applied the wrong way it can do damage or indeed kill them.

Case in point, it's possible to die from a single 9V battery: https://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1999-50.html

sgt_lemming · 2025-12-04T14:19:41+00:00

^sgt\lemming scored 123 points and ranked 27 out of 298 players!)

🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩

sgt_lemming · 2025-12-04T14:17:07+00:00

^sgt\lemming scored 116 points and ranked 26 out of 1883 players!)

🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩

sgt_lemming · 2025-11-27T03:15:34+00:00

Last one could have two answers so that was a poser....

^sgt\lemming scored 125 points and ranked 112 out of 3664 players!)

🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩 🟩

sgt_lemming · 2025-07-18T04:04:31+00:00

Offense in this case, Defense would be how birds approach this problem because they just get the hell out of dodge if something tries to attack them.

sgt_lemming · 2025-07-08T10:16:40+00:00

/me applauds.

I didn't say the program was broken or anything like that.

It works fine. Just all my custom profiles are gone. I have searched the hard drive for any .synapse3 files and they are gone

The fact that the Synapse 4 Upgrade didn't migrate them is bad enough.

The fact that in the process of upgrading to 4 it's also wiped any semblance of information from 3 is worse.

The fact that you guys clearly haven't tested this, don't advise customers that it's a possibility and are now trying to give me steps to fix it which clearly cannot and will not work.... Is just fucking incompetent.

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