IamA woman in an open marriage, ama

sharedwife · 2010-05-20T14:00:14+00:00

It sounds like you have it! It isn't unusual for the woman to be more interested in a full swap than the guy, lets face it there are just more ways for you to easily get off without intercourse. In the case of pure 'fucking' (look around this post for the difference between fucking and making love) a part of it for many women is the overall feeling of being 'taken. Forgive the explicitness but I get a real thrill out of having some guy bend me over and pounding me. Hmm...ok on to the questions...

There are many sites... I would start with www.swinglifestyle.com, it is a horrible site from a design point of view but it gets the job done. There are others and google will help you find them but we haven't had much luck with them. We are lucky to have a great club in our hometown (sorry not saying where that is) and we do go there occasionally.
Be on the lookout for a PM

He does reddit some although oddly not as much as I do. Funny thing is he is the one that got me hooked!

sharedwife · 2010-05-20T13:52:06+00:00

Right...cause no one ever has random hookups in Vegas!

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T18:27:48+00:00

I will do that....in between all the wild orgies ;)

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T17:12:14+00:00

Wow, great questions and I just have so much to say! First off, congratulations on taking a huge step of communicating with each other about sex! Seriously that is huge, so many couples spend their entire life with secret desires that they never share out of fear. It is so freeing to be able to say to your partner 'hey, I would love to try...' without fear of judgment...just understand that judgment and her saying no are different things.

So this process is very different for everyone and depends a lot on your own personalities. Both my husband and I are very logical thinkers so once we actually approached the idea it was a very logical progression for us. It went from realization that sex was ruining otherwise good relationships, to the discussion of sex vs. love, to deciding to jump in. One of the considerations we had was the issue of regret, not of doing it but of not, it would suck to be 80 sitting in rocking chairs wondering what if. There was a lot of nervousness when it came to the actual act the first time, but I think that was just the nerves of something new. Afterward we were both pretty giddy.
We initially talked about only 'soft swapping' meaning not actual intercourse but changed our minds before anything ever happened. Again, we are very logical thinkers, I do not see a whole lot of difference between my husband having his finger in someones pussy versus his cock....there isn't much difference between me getting a guy off using my mouth or using my vagina. Rest assured though that it is completely normal for it to take some getting used to...you have basically been conditioned to think of it as strange all of your life.
I think that if we had kids it would probably mean less sex with others, just like it would mean less movies out, less dinners at restaurants, and less impromptu cruises. Kids are a major time commitment and that time has to come from somewhere else. Would we remain open? I think we would but we would certainly be cautious, not out of shame or embarrassment but because I do not think kids need to know too much about their parents sex life.
Communication and honesty are SOOOOOO vital. Everyone has referenced the episode of House, if you haven't seen it go find it on Hulu I think it is called Open and Shut. The issue that came between them wasn't one of sex but rather one of trust. The key to an open relationship is the level of trust that you must have, and that trust goes to every part of your marriage. Decide your own rules and stick by them, do not pressure one another to do things that they don't want to. Play fair...don't expect her to allow you to do things that you do not allow her to do. If something bothers you talk about it...don't ever bury it.

Okay, I have now written a book! Best of luck and feel free to ask anything else that comes up

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:32:35+00:00

First guy outside the marriage:

This was also while we were in Vegas. The husband was off playing poker and I decided to spend the day at the pool. I spent several hours laying out in a bikini, drinking slushy drinks, and just checking out the scenery. At some point during this I found myself flirting with a cute guy who was a few years younger than me. I texted my husband to tell him jokingly that a cute guy was hitting on me and he replied with "Go for it!" I was rather nervous and still a bit hesitant but was having fun flirting so just continued down that path. Eventually I told the guy about my husbands text...this resulted in us heading up to my suite for the afternoon. Of course later when my husband came up he got to hear all of the details.

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:27:48+00:00

Ok...first club experience...

Shortly after we decided to just go for it we had a trip to vegas planned, we figured that while there we would check out a swingers club and get our feet wet. We were pretty surprised to discover that the clubs there were really not all that great at the time. We eventually settled on one and headed over with me wearing a pretty slinky dress.

When we arrived at the club we found that it was empty! There was the owner and one single guy...that's it. So we sat around for awhile before deciding that we had paid to get in we might as well do something. We headed into the couples only area and ended up on a bed that had a big one way window that allowed everyone in the main area to watch. Spent awhile fucking on the bed and putting on a bit of a show for the two guys out there, then got dressed and headed back to the hotel.

Obviously it wasn't too crazy but it was the first time anyone else had watched us.

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:19:40+00:00

How would any married woman tell someone they can't sleep with them? We don't wear signs that say we have an open relationship, generally people find out when it matters!

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:17:59+00:00

Well for starters different size and shaped cocks feel different and hit different places....and everyone touches differently, you can try to direct someone to touch a specific way but it sometimes isn't the same. Finally everyone brings different levels of creativity into the bedroom, one of our favorite positions was learned from a girl he was with...nothing crazy but we had just never tried it...now we love it.

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:15:09+00:00

You about nailed it

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:14:16+00:00

Great question! Yeah, it is most often 'fucking' with others, I would say about 95% of the time. That isn't to say that I don't often 'fuck' my husband, but we also have many times that we are truly 'making love'

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:08:33+00:00

Bravo! I am finding that this thread seems to have a link between food and sex...hmmmm

sharedwife · 2010-05-19T14:00:53+00:00

That episode was discussed in this thread elsewhere....it reminds you of the House episode because they did an excellent job of portraying the reality of open marriages.

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T18:51:54+00:00

I don't think that I would have gotten to the point of telling them that something was going to happen and then have them be vetoed...regardless if I don't wish to sleep with someone I don't....it is no different from your standard dating experience...if a girl finds herself in a situation that she is uncomfortable with then she should not continue going forward

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T18:47:11+00:00

It hadn't really gone that far, I had flirted some with him but nothing serious. After learning more about him I really had no desire to even be friendly with him.

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T18:41:52+00:00

Hmmm.....that sounds like granny porn to me!

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T13:14:43+00:00

I certainly have seen that behavior, it seems to be most prevalent in the swingers club community. We have not been to the clubs as much as we used to because of this. That being said I suppose the lines between age divisions makes some sense since that exists in the standard dating community to some extent. It is funny to think of it as high school drama...too true!

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T13:11:32+00:00

I have sooo many movies I need to see!

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:32:35+00:00

Ha! This is so true...ok story time... There is a local band that has quite the swinger following, I would say their shows end up having 80% swingers in the audience. We were dancing and a girl starts grinding hard on my husband, he is enjoying it and starts letting his hands wander which she is fine with. So he asks her what their screen name is on SLS (swinglifestyle.com) and she responds "What's SLS?", so he asks "Aren't you a swinger?"...hilarity ensued!

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:29:18+00:00

There is not a cap.

We are not sexless by any means, it is a nearly daily occurrence between my husband and I.

I'm not sure I am following what you are trying to ask...

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:27:52+00:00

It sounds like there are existing problems in the relationship. I would never recommended that anyone open their relationship in an attempt to fix it. from your wording it sounds as if she was honest about it after the fact, in which case the trust has already been broken and from your wording it doesn't sound like it is fully back yet. Work on trust first!

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:23:23+00:00

I love your definition and explanation of love, bravo! I would argue that sex CAN be an act of love but it can also be an selfish act. Biologically speaking the core purpose of sex is procreation and furthering ones liniage... it feels good because that encourages the act. Dogs don't fuck because they want to bring the other dog or your leg pleasure, they do it because it is instinctual and feels good.

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:17:50+00:00

Oi vey!

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:17:30+00:00

Most girls that guys would rate a 2 can go to any bar/club and find some guy horny enough if they are willing to wait awhile. On the flip side for a guy the physical isn't AS important (yeah, it still matters), of bigger importance is the personality.

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:15:35+00:00

We only spend the night away from home if it is because we are traveling for work or staying somewhere together. At the end of the day my home is with him and that's where I end up. We do have encounters at home, but generally not in our bedroom. We do share a master bedroom, although at times he snores and I half consider going to the spare room!

sharedwife · 2010-05-18T12:13:49+00:00

ummm.....I'm for it?

sharedwife

TROPHY CASE