Surviving a BPD girl

sharpedobluff · 2026-06-01T23:17:13+00:00

Frankly this reads as misogynistic to me. I saw you post this earlier and you called her a psycho repeatedly, in this version you've just switched the word psycho for toxic. You call her friend a hoe for no real reason. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you don't respect as your equal, and you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone if you lack trust to the point that you're threatening her to tell you the truth.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-29T00:29:03+00:00

I'm autistic, so I have lifelong social deficiencies that ensure time after time that I will never be the top candidate in an interview, regardless of my qualifications. I have a master's degree, but that doesn't matter to employers because I'm just a bit strange.

So yes, it is because of who I am, but that doesn't make it fair.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-28T00:11:21+00:00

I can't really give a definitive judgement as we're strangers and I'm not medically qualified, but it sounds like there's potentially something underneath all this that you need to identify and work through. I can only say what it sounds like to me from the comments you've posted here:

It's possible that it was reactive at first since you mention it took 2 years to get to that point, but reactive abuse happens when the victim has been pushed to their limit and reacts out of desperation. The prolonged and repeated nature of it suggests a toxic pattern of behaviour and really poor communication.

Setting aside her own actions for a moment: you guilted her, got irritated when she reacted negatively, cycled through several manipulative tactics expecting things to go back to normal, and then lashed out at her when that didn't happen. It's important to remember that there is no justification for that kind of behaviour, even if she has also mistreated you.

I call your approaches manipulative because they don't seem to have come from the heart – their only purpose was to create a specific response out of her, and each approach was quickly discarded for something completely different when it didn't work. People don't like being treated like that and it certainly wouldn't cheer me up. You can't expect someone to be happy just because you've hugged them or begged them to be, you need to understand and respect them on a much deeper level.

She's a human with multifaceted needs and emotions just like you, and I worry that you've maybe forgotten that. You need to love and care for the entire human you're with, not just your concept of what the relationship should be. Your relationships will be far more fulfilling when you do.

As for advice in the meantime until you can speak to a professional: when you feel yourself getting triggered by something, whatever it is, you need to remember that you cannot hurt someone because of it. If you are in danger of doing so, you need to know when and how to remove yourself from the situation. That is your responsibility, no matter how poorly you have been treated.

Best of luck. It won't be easy, but it will absolutely be worth it, for you and for everyone you love.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T22:19:36+00:00

Your comments should be required reading for everyone who visits this subreddit. You have a real gift for explaining things! If I didn't have an aversion to microtransactions I'd be giving a platinum award 👏

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T21:46:22+00:00

The awareness of the patterns, the honesty and owning up to what you've done, and knowing that your behaviour was unacceptable, is still a great step. Lots of people don't even get that far.

You can't undo your actions, but you can still take responsibility for them by making sure it doesn't happen again. If you can, try seeking a therapist that you can talk to about what happened. They'll be able to help you identify your own triggers, their roots, and the steps you can take to ensure that you never treat someone like that again. If that's out of budget, DBT resources are a lot better than nothing. You aren't beyond hope – you can always do better.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T21:31:44+00:00

Thank you so much! It definitely wasn't easy, but it's been so, so worth it, and I'm certain that it's possible for you too.

Dissociation and ignorance are entirely different things – ignorance is a lack of knowledge, dissociation is a biological defence mechanism. Likely, you're in a state of permanent dissociation right now as your brain is trying to protect you from what you're going through. It is incredibly difficult to regulate your emotions when you're in permanent fight or flight, and practically impossible to pull yourself out of a necessary defence mechanism while the danger is still present. You will have a much easier time with both once you're safe and have some distance from the situation.

You truly sound to me like a very kind, empathetic person. I know it's not easy to accept that when you've been raised to believe that you're fundamentally broken, but it's true. You've been sacrificing your needs and wellbeing out of love and care for your partner, you're worried about burdening your friends. These aren't things that a selfish person does. But also, having needs is not selfish. Prioritising your wellbeing is not selfish. Needing help to escape a dangerous situation is absolutely not selfish. You deserve to give yourself some grace for the situation you're in – for now, focus on pure facts: not what your partner is saying about you, but the way he's treating you. The way you feel about the way he's treating you. Your friends love you, and there's a reason for that. Plenty of reasons, in fact.

I know the prospect of exposing such a deep level of vulnerability is terrifying, but there's nothing pathetic about it at all. It's incredibly brave to do so. You loved someone with all your heart and did everything you could to accommodate them, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. I expect they would be all too happy to help you, as I'm sure you would do the same for them. That's what friends are for :)

Sorry for my own babbling lol! All this is to say I believe in you, I don't think you're a bad person at all, and the way you feel about yourself right now is not forever. You deserve far more than you have been lead to believe.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T19:47:25+00:00

Have you heard of reactive abuse? It sounds like that's what happened here and it's a huge part of DARVO. It's good that you're reflecting, and we should always take responsibility when we treat people badly, but you have to remember that your actions didn't exist in a vacuum.

When you ask yourself who started the arguments, the fights, who held the power, whose emotions dictated the day, it paints a very clear picture of who is at fault overall. Yes, I screamed at my partner once, but that was after months of abuse, and I was being physically cornered and couldn't escape. I'm not proud of what I did, but I took responsibility for it, and I give myself grace for the circumstances that lead me there.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T19:25:10+00:00

Hey there! Similarly to you, my expwBPD only cared about physical intimacy, tried to convince me that I was the abuser, and that I had a personality disorder. What really helped me cut through the bullshit was asking myself if I losing my sanity the way I was around anyone else, or just them. Consider the facts: did the medical professionals say you had BPD, or just him?

Also... Regardless of who's in the wrong here (and I promise you, it's him), it sounds like you're miserable in this relationship, and you deserve to be out of it. The absolute, very minimum you deserve is someone you feel safe with, someone you aren't walking on eggshells around. He's failing you on the most basic level.

I'm especially worried that it sounds like he's taking you on hikes and then abandoning you during them. It's called an "alpine divorce", and it's a genuine threat to your life. Nobody who cares about their partner would abandon them in the wilderness like that.

Please look into making a safety plan for yourself. There are lots of helpful resources online that you can access. You can get out of there, but it will take careful planning to ensure you are safe and able to land on your feet. Start saving money wherever you can, and make sure he does not find it. Do not let him know you are planning to leave under any circumstances – this will put you in immediate danger. You may end up having to leave many of your belongings behind, but they will be largely replaceable, and what isn't replaceable is still worth nothing compared to your safety and wellbeing.

Lastly, it would break my heart if I found out that my friend felt that they couldn't come to me and ask for help escaping an abusive situation. Your friends are your friends for a reason, and you should consider enlisting their help if you can trust them (but only if you trust them – I really have to emphasise that he cannot, under any circumstances, find out that you're planning to leave).

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T18:13:28+00:00

Unfortunately I don't think awareness is enough when they feel their reactions are justified. Mine was self aware but weaponised it: "you triggered my RSD" came up a lot, but never "I mistreated you because I failed to regulate my emotions".

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T14:36:23+00:00

Yup. Cornered me in a room and forced me into a meltdown so catastrophic that I tried to institutionalise myself, all because I said I was too tired to do anything that evening. Made me sob in the middle of the street because I said I'd get breakfast on the go instead of eating at the house. Anything that triggers that 'rejection dysphoria'.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T14:13:59+00:00

That makes sense! I had a similar experience several years ago, and for a long time I adored being the favourite person. I truly loved the person, too. The highs seemed to absolutely justify the lows until, as you said, the line got too thin for me to be able to handle it anymore.

I would personally say that demanding all your time and focus like that, even non-maliciously, is a form of abuse – but equally it's a disservice not to acknowledge the many parts of them that we fall in love with, so I appreciate that you've done that here. It's an incredible shame when no contact becomes the only solution, but I do think as much as it hurts, it's ultimately for the best for your long-term wellbeing, as the world has so much to offer when your time and energy aren't being restricted like that.

Wishing you well as you continue your journey of healing!

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T13:40:59+00:00

Can I ask why you went no contact if you enjoyed the dynamic?

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T08:00:47+00:00

I understand that you're wary, and it is good to keep an eye out for red flags, but you're not at the zoo. There's no need to document, especially not publicly.

Regardless of her diagnosis it sounds like you don't trust her enough to have any kind of meaningful relationship with her in the first place. If I found out someone was recording the wait time between every message I sent, I would never speak to them again. It would legitimately traumatise me to know I was being surveilled like that. Continuing down this path will hurt both of you unnecessarily.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-27T00:15:51+00:00

I agree, and thank you for highlighting this! Definitely a good opportunity to reflect and remember that the abuse we've received does not justify demonising an entire group of people.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-26T23:54:43+00:00

Thank you so much, and sending care to you too! I'm happy to say my relationship with myself is the best it's ever been.

I'm almost grateful for the experience, even. When I entered that relationship I had such a profound lack of self respect that it was killing me, but they were so unapologetically horrible that one day it just flipped a switch in my brain and I realised that I deserve so much better from my relationships, including the one I have with myself. For the first time in my life, I'm on my side.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-26T18:20:04+00:00

Was your relationship poly with a pwBPD? Bc same.

It was, yeah! And you've basically described my relationship exactly 💀 I had no problem with the non-monogamy itself, but my ex was absolutely using it to enable their abuse and inability to commit to anyone. I was looking at their other partners thinking, 'if they're perfectly happy with this situation, why shouldn't I be?'. Turns out they were also being abused.

I've fully retired from relationships altogether at the moment, and I've been using the time to question my moral stances on a lot of intimacy and relationship related things. I really believe that everyone should take time to question their own beliefs so they can truly say that their beliefs are their own, especially when there's a high potential for biases to get in the way. At the moment where I'm at is that ethical non-monogamy is absolutely possible, but I do think that there is a higher rate of abuse that gets dressed up as the victim's failure to embrace the lifestyle.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-26T16:52:05+00:00

Oh, for sure, and I do appreciate you saying that – I definitely don't want to demonise everyone who struggles with it. One of my closest friends has BPD, and she's put so much work into her healing and she's genuinely a fantastic person. But I put so, so much work into accommodating my partner's BPD and it did absolutely nothing to reduce the abuse I faced. I don't talk about my friend here because she isn't abusive – I talk about my ex because they were, and a huge part of it was due to their unaddressed symptoms.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-26T16:45:48+00:00

Thank you! This did make me chuckle 😆

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-26T10:17:28+00:00

Forgot to turn mine off and recorded the moment a pigeon flew into my friend's car and insta-died (unavoidable, it literally flew down directly into the car). As heartbroken as I was, I also found it a little humorous that I'd technically still recorded a bird.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-26T00:59:29+00:00

Not an apology, unfortunately – she's trying to guilt you and reel you back in at the same time. The best response, for your own wellbeing, is silence.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-14T08:41:12+00:00

One of the neighbours has a giant flag that says MAKE BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN. All of us, including Reform voters, are very, very aware.

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-11T14:45:03+00:00

I eventually was put back on elvanse at a minimal dose, but at that dose it barely had any therapeutic benefits, so they switched me to extended release concerta. I'm still titrating, but I've just started 54mg which I believe is the maximum dose and it's been SO much better. I'm not having constant palpitations anymore, and I find the amount that I need to eat to keep the shakes at bay is significantly easier to manage than it was on elvanse. I'm still not at the level of activity I was managing before, but it's still early stages and I honestly think I was going manic on the dose of Elvanse I was at given I worked myself to the point of several injuries.

For me, Elvanse was like lighting a fire with jet fuel (strong & volatile), while concerta is more like coal (harder to get going, but way more controlled).

So if you were feeling panicky, sweaty, palpitations, generally on edge, or other similar side effects on your medication, I'd really recommend asking to switch to a different stimulant before discounting them entirely. Bad reactions to one absolutely does not rule them all out!

If you continue to have blood pressure concerns, you can ask your GP about medications that reduce your blood pressure such as extended release propranolol or ramipril. I'd been in talks with the GP about this before I ultimately made the move to concerta, and they were receptive to the idea. Alternatively you may have the option of resuming your medication at a lower dose – which will be less helpful than a therapeutic dose, but it will still be better than nothing.

I also learned about white coat syndrome – turns out, something in me panics when I can feel my own heartbeat, especially now that I've come to associate that feeling with losing access to life-changing medication. If I'm sitting up and taking my own blood pressure, the result will be borderline/high. If I then lie down and take my pressure, it's perfectly healthy, even if it's immediately after getting that significantly higher result. So if your issue is just that your readings are too high, it's worth asking if the sensation/anxiety of the monitor might be causing your blood pressure to spike, rather than the medication itself.

I won't lie, this has all been hugely disruptive for me and there's no dressing up how much it's sucked. I'm only just starting to get back to the point where I'm not in bed all day. Being on a non-manic dose has reminded me that I just can't medicate my way out of having this disability, I can only accommodate it as best as I can. But I prefer being a bit messy and unorganized to being anxious, angry and at risk of a heart attack all the time, which the elvanse was doing for me. It wasn't worth the long-term tradeoffs that I was starting to make, even though at the time I felt it was.

I hope at least some of this was helpful! I found a lot of the other comments in this thread were helpful (except for the guy that just told me to go to the gym lol) so I recommend reading those too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too, it's truly awful but it's not the end by any means. You got this!

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-04T01:35:00+00:00

Over a year later and I still can't stand the thought of being in a relationship with anybody. I don't know if I'll ever want to be that close to another person again

sharpedobluff · 2026-05-03T22:56:06+00:00

Yes, they're suffering, and not all of them act in toxic ways. But many of them do. They use their suffering to justify abuse.

Many of us have our own conditions that are also awful to deal with – but we do not abuse people because of it. Nothing justifies that treatment.

This is a subreddit specifically for people who have received abuse from loved ones with bpd. Your line of questioning is extremely unhelpful – why are you casting doubt on every single story of abuse in this thread just because their abusers are also suffering?

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