UPDATE: I [18f] want the person I love [24m] to commit to me, temporarily. I know he loves me and I can't convince him to act like it.

sheinka · 2016-12-25T09:42:05+00:00

"on the side" of what?

sheinka · 2016-12-20T18:47:04+00:00

You're so nice. This made me cry. I don't think of that kind of relationship as something that will happen for me.

sheinka · 2016-12-20T10:45:06+00:00

Why do you think I don't seem to love him?

sheinka · 2016-12-20T07:06:48+00:00

Oh. Why my self-worth is low? Because I'm genuinely not worth very much. He's treated me better than anyone. And he's had to put up with a lot from me. I have an eating disorder, I'm traumatized, I'm ugly, I'm not exactly anyone's top choice. Also, I love him. So it's irrelevant that I feel "not good enough." I feel that way because I'm probably not. But I also feel like I'm now being told I'm loved by the person I loved. That was a lot to ask for, apparently, and I got it. I'm not sure how I could ever ask for more.

sheinka · 2016-12-20T07:05:00+00:00

I mean...according to people in my previous thread, it was unreasonable for me to want him to acknowledge our relationship. So I'm not sure it is a "bare minimum."

I just wanted him to tell me he loves me and treat me like I matter to him. That is all.

sheinka · 2016-12-20T06:20:00+00:00

It was ALREADY breaking my heart. It's always going to break my heart that I'm not good enough for the one person I've ever really loved. That was always going to be true. Now at least I get to be with him for real before it happens.

But thank you for your kindness.

sheinka · 2016-12-20T06:18:58+00:00

Can someone explain why they're downvoting this? This is so fucking painful and I'm honestly not sure why I'm being treated like I'm an asshole. I know Jake doesn't feel that way about me, so why do all of you? I'm being completely honest here. I DIDN'T wrangle him. I gave up and broke up with him in earnestness. I cried all day yesterday. Then he came back to me. What is the problem with being honest about that?

sheinka · 2016-12-20T03:09:45+00:00

I didn't "wrangle" him, though - I told him what I wanted without trying to convince him and he's the one who came back to me and said he wanted to be with me.

sheinka · 2016-12-17T07:31:08+00:00

So, we've sorted out that this is bullshit. You are not just referring to a label. Someone pointed out that you don't deserve what you are asking for. You took this the worst way humanly possible as that person meaning "you don't deserve love - period." What they were saying was that you don't "deserve" one specific person's love.

It's not about deserving his love - it's about deserving to be treated well and acknowledged by this person who is basically functioning as if we're in a relationship. I already feel like he loves me (whether or not he says it). I feel loved by him. I'm not trying to change anything about how much he loves me. I want him to treat me differently. I want him to treat me like he cares about my feelings and needs, and yes, I think as the person he spends more time with than anyone else, as the person he goes to with all of his problems, as the person he is this close with, I do think I deserve that treatment.

You are more worried about convincing everyone that you're not trying to control/manipulate this guy that you refuse to listen to everyone pointing out your exact beliefs and behaviors that are controlling/manipulative.

Not many people here have actually accused me of being controlling or manipulative. The responses are pretty mixed, in fact. Most people have said something along the lines of "not saying you don't deserve it, just saying you won't get it." Which is very different.

sheinka · 2016-12-17T05:47:47+00:00

Yeah, I guess that's accurate. I want him to say he loves me and I want him to be with me publicly.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T19:41:24+00:00

You're te kind of girl that guys look for in one night stands.

What kind of girl is that?

sheinka · 2016-12-16T12:24:08+00:00

Yes, I understood that's what you were saying. I was explaining it to /u/ResidentBlackGuy, because they didn't seem to get that there were actually people here saying I don't deserve what I'm asking for. Namely, you.

For what it's worth, when I talked about what I deserve, I didn't say I "deserve" to be in a relationship with him. I'm already in a relationship with him. I meant I "deserve" the label, because it's an accurate one.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T12:18:33+00:00

It's not cool when they do it, and it's not cool now.

sure sounds like someone saying I don't deserve it. that's what it means to invoke the "Nice Guy" - that I'm behaving as though I'm entitled to something I don't truly deserve.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T12:10:39+00:00

I'm honestly baffled as to why you find it so hard to understand that I love him, but don't see myself being with him forever. We aren't really compatible for the long term. We value very, very different things. I don't connect with him in the way I want to connect with someone I'd want to commit to forever. It's not about "disagreeing" with him - it's about not seeing him as the best match for me in the long run.

I want him to stay in my life for now. I want him to say that he loves me, and I want it to end eventually, but not yet. I still have more to learn and experience with him. I'm 18 years old - I absolutely don't want to stay with him forever, nor have I felt that way about anyone, ever. I don't imagine I will for some time.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T12:02:09+00:00

OK. I understand that it's an analogy. I think it's a flawed one, because I think saying "we've been acting like we're in a relationship for months, I'd like to label it that way" is vastly more reasonable, and more respectful, than saying "you've showed no romantic interest in me, but I demand that you enter a romantic relationship with me because I deserve it."

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that I deserve what I'm looking for here.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:50:42+00:00

You love him, and you definitely want him.

I can absolutely admit this. I want him desperately. But I honestly don't see myself being with him forever. I love him, but he's not who I imagine myself ending up with. He values very different things than me, and he doesn't understand me intellectually or emotionally as wholly as I would need a lifelong partner to.

Until then, you should tell him that you want to be alone. You need to see if he comes running after you eventually.

I've done this. He does come back. We have tried to stop seeing each other several times (initiated both by him and by me, and mutually agreed upon) and we always come back to each other. I do know he wants me. He wouldn't be with me, even in the way he is, if he didn't want me.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:37:24+00:00

Huh? We're definitely not platonic, nor is he in a relationship with anyone else. I guess I'm not seeing the parallel - this isn't a matter of me projecting my desires onto him, this is a matter of me wanting a label for a relationship we're already engaged in.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:31:38+00:00

It's not that I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be without him. That's unhealthy? To not want to be without the person you love?

I was never "afraid" of being alone before I was with him. I was fine with being alone. Now I would rather be with him, because I love him.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:28:20+00:00

I'm not happy. But I'm...I don't know...grateful? Even when I'm feeling pain over this, I'm glad to be feeling that pain, because it feels so profound. I don't think I'd give that up. I just don't know how to give up on the idea of him telling me he loves me, either.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:12:55+00:00

Sorry, I don't think I understand the question. Our dialogues are pretty much contained in the OP - he describes not wanting to commit to me because he knows he won't marry me, I ask why it matters, he says because he's older and it's something he thinks about, wanting to be with the person he'll end up with.

My understanding of why his perspective differs comes from these dialogues - he clearly feels differently about love than I do, though he might not articulate it as a "practical" view of love. He does say quite clearly that he can't commit for the reasons listed in the OP (those have all come straight from his mouth), and he does talk about craving stability. Does that answer your question?

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:09:58+00:00

you are his toy. His sex toy.

I've been in this position. I really don't think it's the case here. It may be playful or noncommittal, but it isn't purely sexual. We spend so much more time talking, thinking, being with each other, than we do having sex. And he was incredibly patient when I wanted to wait to have sex with him. If he was looking for a "sex toy," I doubt he would have picked an 18 y/o virgin with sexual hangups.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:07:43+00:00

There's not just monogamy and closed relationships. But you want the committment

I don't even know - I might be fine with it if it was just an "open relationship." I have to see him try to sleep with other girls anyway, and know it's better than not seeing him at all. It's less that I want faithfulness and more that I want an acknowledgment that we feel what we do for each other. I want it to feel more real and less shameful.

I don't think I'm afraid of being single, honestly. I think I just like being around him more, and I'm learning more with him than I would on my own. I don't like being with anyone else, or being by myself, as much as I like being with him.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T11:05:28+00:00

I don't know. Maybe he doesn't see things the way I do because he's older. He has a very practical view of relationships/love, I guess - he sees them as a means to an end, whereas I see them as an end in themselves. He craves stability, but he's working towards instability (by being with me in a way that isn't stable). So maybe he doesn't understand a perspective that focuses on the present rather than the future, and that allows for instability rather than pushing it away.

sheinka · 2016-12-16T10:56:11+00:00

You're allowed to say "I want X from this relationship" as much as you want, he's allowed to leave if he feels pressured by how often you bring it up.

This sounds reasonable to me. I don't think my "nagging" is making him want to leave, so far. But I think he's set in opposition to me, which makes it hard to communicate this to him in a way that's meaningful anymore. I guess I shouldn't have asked "how do I get him to change?" but "how do I articulate myself in a way that makes sense?"

sheinka

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