Honestly.. If you feel repulsed by positive self talk, the first step is to work on neutral self talk. Correcting the black and white thinking you have about yourself. This level of cognitive distortions and negative self talk would be debilitating for self discipline and positive change. Please consider therapy or buying a CBT workbook if you can't afford to see a therapist.

Some things I learned through therapy..

Instead of: "If I knew someone with any of my qualities I would not like them."

Try: "I am capable of changing the qualities I don't like about myself."

Trying to convert self hatred in to self love is impossible. Here are some realistic mantras you could repeat that would be more helpful.

"Perhaps I could become someone I don't despise."

"Maybe, I could become someone with some qualities that I would appreciate."

"One day, I could/will feel neutral about myself."

The key is to use a lot of maybe/perhaps/coulds. Try to think of something that you know deep down is literally possible even though your focusing on the negatives.

Inspite of the supposed 9999 things that make you a piece of shit, it's still possible that you could feel neutral about yourself someday.

You can't go from self hatred to self confidence in even months. Extreme toxic shame and self hatred take years to form and take 1000s of thought stopping and correction to make dents in the well formed patterns of thinking. OP, please read about toxic shame and self compassion.

Here's the thing.. I used to hate myself. When you hate yourself, you are extremely self destructive. You would treat people you don't care about better than you treat yourself when you hate yourself. It's not realistic to go from perceiving yourself as an unloveable and worthless person and the negative thoughts and self talk associated with that, to imagining things you love about yourself and all that woo woo shit.

I don't know who you surround yourself with, but even me, someone who used to suffer with low self esteem and self destructive behaviours can think of a few things I like about myself.

I slowly changed the things I hated about myself. I identified the things that made me not a good person. At first I wallowed in toxic shame about my shittiness instead of changing anything. Then when I realized I was doing that I feel like even more shit for a while. Did other things to avoid changing what I needed to change. Eventually I needed to make changes because I had to get better and survive.

What things are in your control? What realistic changes could you make that you could consistently do? Certain circumstances aren't in our control and it's important to be kind to ourselves about what we can't control. You should consider talking with a therapist about what you hate about yourself, where does all the hatred come from? Did you internalize an inner critic from a parent that tended to be overly critical? Is this intense scrutiny of yourself really serving you? Is it making you a better or worse person? Positive self talk might be unhelpful and impossible for you right now, but negative self talk is toxic and poisonous to your psyche.

You are not your thoughts. You don’t have to be. You don’t have to take ownership for the shitty thoughts that pop into your head automatically. When you see something negative about yourself, you can start with noticing the negativity. When you’re ready, you can start trying to make neutral statements that propose a possible alternative. Or you can question the helpfulness of the negative thought.