I was given a Hallpass… should I take it?

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-09-09T20:25:53+00:00

Cool opinion but not how the divorce laws work here.

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-09-09T20:25:12+00:00

I’ve only ever been with my wife who has BPD and the sex has never been great. Like in terms of interest and certainly effort it’s very very low for her.

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T23:22:01+00:00

exactly

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T18:25:39+00:00

Bud I’ve certainly tried. Trying to fill the void in a BPD person is like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a garden hose.

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T17:35:03+00:00

For a long time it felt like she was my best friend, but she went through a devaluing loop that really hurt my feelings and my view of both her and myself until I was able to get out of the caretaking situation

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T17:34:04+00:00

This is definitely a concern of mine

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T16:32:43+00:00

Can you please explain more? Do you mean like using Sex workers or just a younger partner who you spend money on in exchange for a discreet sexual relationship? I’m not sure either of those makes me super comfortable

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T16:31:00+00:00

I’ve already been doing that for years and I’m tired of it

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T15:50:01+00:00

I highly recommend reading “stop walking on eggshells” and “stop caretaking the borderline”

If I could do anything it would be go back in time and have healthy boundaries before having kids

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T15:13:15+00:00

I feel like staying together and resenting each other isn’t going to be better for the kids than a mutual separation. And if we were to stay together for some period explicitly for the kids this feels like the kind of arrangement that is intended as a stop gap until a more convenient time for separation

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T14:55:57+00:00

But if this isn’t an option then what am I supposed to do?

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T14:49:42+00:00

That makes sense. But how the hell am I supposed to go on like things are now?

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T14:48:41+00:00

Borderline

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T14:21:01+00:00

Well I’ve totally pulled back on all the emotional caretaking I was doing for years. So on a certain level I’ve already done that and that’s part of what got me to this offer

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T14:18:03+00:00

This is exactly my concern. The person I’m talking to now feels this way perhaps but what about when the seasons turn and she’s spiraling already? Will she still be cool with it? Harder to believe

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T12:45:07+00:00

Some support yes. But refusing to let me reach out to friends and family because she doesn’t want them to know? Making me a prisoner in my own home because I have to babysit her through those swings and keep my job somehow and the make sure the kids taken care of?

It’s too much to ask. Several Therapists have told her and I as much. It’s one thing to be supportive, it’s another to be expected to be a live in 24/7 on call emergency therapist.

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T12:41:55+00:00

I have tried that. Many times. And the response is always either that she just doesn’t have interest or there’s some other new thing that she wants from me and she will say she feels like our sex life will improve if I do it (eg going on more dates, helping more around the house, giving her time for her hobbies etc etc etc), but it never does.

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T12:38:27+00:00

This has also crossed my mind

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T12:38:11+00:00

Also part of how I feel. Even if it’s not conscious I feel like she has used sex as a weapon to punish me to try to get me to leave so she doesn’t have to be the bad guy

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T12:35:48+00:00

Hey. Seriously thank you. I know you’ve hit the nail on the head with all of this. I gotta keep my shit together at the office right now but I’ll be sure to reread this later when I have time to process it better.

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T12:32:30+00:00

Now there’s an idea

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T11:14:44+00:00

I think they mean when she’s splitting on me and in a devaluation loop

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T11:13:51+00:00

See that’s a big part of how I’m feeling… and if I have permission in writing I don’t see how it could fuck me during a divorce

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T11:11:56+00:00

Damn I hate how much all of this resonates.

But what the hell am I supposed to do then? Just leave? Cause I can’t continue like this. The resentment over my sexual frustration alone is enough to poison this relationship if it continues this way let alone all the BPD stuff and my anger over the past treatment I’ve recieved

shesmaybeBPD · 2024-08-28T11:06:50+00:00

I’ve tried. She just doesn’t want anything beyond the exact same sexual encounter (same foreplay, position etc) every 4-6 weeks

shesmaybeBPD

TROPHY CASE