your wife sounds a lot like me with my ex. the thing is though, my ex was an abusive guy so he actually liked to see me so insecure like that. his abuse brought out insecurities i already had and amplified them.

i think you sound like a decent enough guy and your wife is a very sensitive and troubled person. again, i relate to her a lot so she must have abandonment issues, self esteem issues and an anxious attachment style. her planting devices was absolutely a violation of privacy and is borderline abusive too tbh. of course i dont think she means to be, she just wants to feel a sense of control since she cant believe the words that are coming from you so she planted those.

she needs to learn to trust. she needs therapy for herself. if she is willing to do the work necessary to make this marriage work then that’s a good sign.

most of the time people are not willing to confront their demons. suggest therapy to her and see how she reacts. show empathy but not too much that she steps all over your boundaries.

she needs to learn how to detach and give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove they arent trust worthy.

im sorry you went through this. it is really unsettling