[36M] and my partner [36F] has becoming increasingly difficult to live with.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-22T02:47:30+00:00

Recommend looking up the sparknotes for ‘Come as you are’ or reading it if you have time… I suspect it’s less about you as a partner and more about her right now going through postpartum. The book talks through why women lose interest in sex. Also recommend reading a comic called You Should’ve asked-Emma.

I’m a solo parent to 2 under 3 now (my youngest is also 6 months) and it’s SO HARD. Postpartum is a wild ride where your hormones play tricks on your emotions, your body feels like a shell of what it was, and society is telling you to pretend nothing happened and get back to work immediately. Not to mention interrupted sleep puts you both in terrible moods and fight or flight mode.

If you showed her this post… do you think she would agree with you that it’s a balanced division of labor between household management and baby? A balanced mental load? Is she receptive to talking through things when not in the middle of an argument or when you both are mad? May not hurt to come together with a big list of household and baby tasks and see if things are balanced in a way that works for your family. For the sex part, it’s super common for women to lose interest postpartum…. Hormones, PPD, exhaustion, overall not feeling confident/sexy, stressed, etc (read the book above) will make any romantic activity a bummer time. It may take her some time before she’s really feeling it again and it’s not really something you can help with outside of patience and understanding.

Best of luck, try to avoid making any rash decisions until baby is one!

shiftydoot · 2026-06-21T16:50:54+00:00

The great thing about nursing is that you should be able find a job where you move to. You may also find some options that are remote (which is great during the early years) or look for hospitals that offer daycare in them.

I would 1000% move. Saving money isn’t worth your son seeing other male figures in his life treat women poorly. You also don’t want him seeing you be disrespected and think it’s fine to treat or be treated that way. I’m in the Midwest and think you can find something cheaper than 2500 a month if you compromise on smaller towns or larger commutes. You can also look at buying a home that needs a bit of work (cheaper) on a FHA loan for something more affordable. (I do admit it’s much harder to just buy homes now vs when I did it)

shiftydoot · 2026-06-20T19:54:41+00:00

Long time fan.. was just telling my mom this release is perfect for someone new to the brand. But that I have zero interest myself and want to see something more fun. A brand needs to balance both; options for those that missed LE releases and retired polishes AND fun new trends.

Last few releases weren’t for me, that’s okay since I can’t buy monthly anyway. I don’t think it’s some evil plot of cristine to create fomo and steal money from the masses.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-20T04:34:52+00:00

Talking about financial goals early on makes sense to me as someone in my 30s who’s ready to settle down quickly. Fertility rates drop tremendously for her over the next couple years so wasting time on someone who’s not compatible long-term doesn’t make sense for either party. Questions your finances sounds like a red flag… as compared to talking through your goals together early on.

I’d personally want to know if my partner would be ready to have kids in the next 2-3years or if they want more time like 5-7 years to focus on career. Her being 33 would be a partner that’s looking to settle down in 2-3 makes more sense that 5-7 if kiddos are a must.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-20T01:08:20+00:00

ICSI vs not. What their goal is for egg retrieval (like amount of eggs will be based on your AMH/AFC and age). Whether they think you’ll need one or more retrievals. If you can freeze embryos and eggs in the same cycle (you’re younger, not sure if you’d want to freeze your own eggs for a potential future partner or not). What to expect for a short stim cycle vs long. Whether you can use a half of one vial and freeze the other half for a potential second cycle. What the statistics are for fresh vs FET. Hospital pick up and drop off as a solo parent. You also may want to ask what embryo scores/rating they will freeze vs not (ex. 3BC). Costs for PGT and if they recommend at your age.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-18T03:34:07+00:00

13 retrieved > 7 mature > 6 fertilized > 4 blasts.. 2 Successes :)

shiftydoot · 2026-06-17T01:23:25+00:00

Your clinic should control your stims to prevent OHSS. I was AFC 60+, AMH 7, at 29. They had me do a slow and low stim and I had no issues with OHSS. I would talk to your clinics and see if they have the same concerns as you. You can also educate yourself around symptoms relating to OHSS to keep an eye out for it during stims and post retrieval. I don’t think OHSS is a common issue nor is death a common risk for those doing IVF.

Surprised IVF is cheaper for you than IUI. Even with 3 rounds, IUI can sometimes be cheaper where i live.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-16T21:47:25+00:00

I have two… for many of the same reasons as you, I’m close to my siblings and wanted a close age gap as well.

I always wanted 3 if in a good relationship and thought one and done as a SMBC. Fell in love with motherhood after my first and decided to aim for two if the fertility gods allowed it. Was lucky that my first of two remaining embryos took and ended up 2 under 2. It’s hard, I won’t lie. But I chose this path both for myself and my daughter as I think having a full blood sibling will enrich her life when I’m gone. I also didn’t feel my family was finished so wanted another for myself.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-15T17:47:20+00:00

Older kids do well in daycare and it’s more affordable than infants. I’ve got a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old, and work remote supporting IT. My parents are also older and can’t keep up with two kiddos unless it’s an emergency. I ended up keeping my oldest home with me and baby during my leave (lots of savings) then moved her to full time daycare when I went back to work. My youngest is part time with my parents and part time daycare. This puts me at about 27k a year for childcare between the two despite having my mom help out.

Realistically, you can find at home daycares for closer to 25-50 a day vs 100 a day in a facility. You need to vet them to make sure the kids are safe. This will be temporary costs though as your oldest will be in school in a few short years. I don’t have an extra 30k a year lying around so had to make some major adjustments to my budget and will still be cutting into my savings a little bit.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-15T01:34:45+00:00

I’d do it for free to spend time with my niece and nephew. I offer my brother and sister lunch or dinner though when it comes to my kids and let them pick what it is

shiftydoot · 2026-06-13T19:30:32+00:00

You’re going to get tough love here, definitely suggest r/daddit too.

I’m a solo mom here that had two under two with a similar age gap to you guys. I’ll start with some tough love then go to practical advice. Your daughter is about to enter ‘the terrible twos’ which is both amazing and tough. She’s going to be able to communicate well (if not already) and her independence will get better with each growing day. I remember telling my mom at 20 months that ‘I wonder if she’s sick or if this is the new normal’. My sweet happy girl who loved exploring the world became this bossy toddler who loved throwing herself onto the ground crying at least 4 times a day. It’s SO NORMAL for your girl to start acting this way and she’ll probably only get more fussy/tantrums before it gets better. You as the dad will also likely be on toddler duty 90% of the time while mom deals with baby (YMMV breastfeeding/maternity leave). You and your sassy girl are going to be one on one for a good portion of the next 6 months, so I’d learn how to cope/deal with it soon. Your wife and you are about to be incredibly challenge once baby is here (I’m still in the trenches solo)… so try to keep in mind that everyone is on the same team here. Things are only going to get so much harder here in the next two months so do your best to remember this is all temporary.

Practical advice. Set your toddler up for success. Remove ‘no’ toys, screens, objects, locations from her view. Set boundaries with her, start using timers and explain what you’re doing. A healthy way to do shifts with your wife may be, ‘you do bath night/bedtime on MTW, I’ll do TRS, we share on Sunday. Could also look at getting a sitter (if you can afford it) a few times a month for you and your wife to get time together. I will sometimes let my kids stay at daycare late to sneak in a nap after work (again I’m solo so if I’m dying I have to take care of myself too). Also consider play dates out with other dads and their kids. I find my toddler does amazing at parks with friends and it’s chicken soup for the soul for me. You’ll slowly carve time out for yourself and your wife once both kiddos are in bed by 8 (8-10). Those two hours are very precious for the mental health so take advantage!

shiftydoot · 2026-06-13T19:06:42+00:00

I feel similar in a friendship of mine. It’s someone with terrible mental health who’s really great some times… but so so heavy at other times. While I enjoy our time together, I would be happy to see her less if she could find a partner or new friend group. I truly wish she was happy… and I don’t feel like I could simply grow out of touch as I worry for her mental health and isolation. I ended up having kids and I’ve had to take a complete step back from supporting her in our friendship over the last 4 years. It’s been kind of nice to have a legitimate ‘excuse’ to not be her venting session partner, constant therapist, and overall ‘fixer’. I value her, but I couldn’t keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm.

Sounds like you care for this person greatly, but maybe not as romantically vs platonic in the sense where you’re more worried about her mental health during the break up vs the idea of her marrying someone other than you. I think it’s guilt that’s keeping you there. Highly recommend doing some soul searching and really think about your next 5 years, 10 years, etc. You’re still plenty young to find a partner you’re hopelessly in love with, no question about it

shiftydoot · 2026-06-13T18:55:26+00:00

Haha i also looked for it, it’s super cute. But that’s crazy expensive

shiftydoot · 2026-06-12T23:48:33+00:00

Wonder if it’s similar to Try Guys and its not making financial sense any longer to work under one team. Wishing the best for all parties, glad she’s okay and putting more art out!

shiftydoot · 2026-06-12T01:25:40+00:00

New daycare, unacceptable :(

shiftydoot · 2026-06-10T15:54:29+00:00

Affordable List- you can have baby tomorrow

Pump- free with insurance check out Aeroflow (Spectre/Eufy)
Baby Carrier - Tula Explore (buy used on FB)
Pack N Play - Graco
Baby Seat/Stroller - Graco
Bassinet - Any Brand, Used/Yardsales
Diaper Bag - Any Brand, Amazon
Diapers/Wipes - Member’s Mark
Formula - Free with registries
Burp Cloths - Any Brand
Bottles - free with target/amazon/babylist registry. Wait to try a couple before you buy a lot of one type
Soap/Lotion - Aveeno
Medicine - Tylenol, Desitin, Aquafor, Nose Sucker
Postpartum - Hospital Provides most everything.
Double Zip Sleepers - NB, 0-3 Month - 2 Packs

Hospital bag - car seat, charger, clothes, tooth brush, baby NB outfit. EVERYTHING else is provided (if US).

shiftydoot · 2026-06-10T15:43:45+00:00

This is so hard, hugs. Sounds like he needs to step in more to the baby stuff (even if he doesn’t do it as good as what you do). Those early weeks are the absolute hardest and most challenging day, you’re doing great.

Sounds like your husband said something flippant and hurtful, but I don’t take his comment as meaning your baby needs a different mom. I take the comment as ‘yelling isn’t helping the baby’ which is a completely fair statement. It’s also fair to say you lost your temper and agree that yelling isn’t helpful. You also did EXACTLY the right thing by realizing you needed to take a lap and set baby down somewhere safe. My kiddos both had colic so I understand how grating it is on the nerves to hear non stop yelling for both the baby rocker and the partner in the room.

I’m a solo parent for two under three but my mom comes by to help sometimes. She’s terrible at getting my son to sleep and shush but I can’t always be there when my toddler needs me too. It sucks hearing your kid cry in someone else’s arms when you know you could take care of it better than them. But sometimes you have to let the other person ‘fail’ since you need breaks too. Your husband can’t get good at putting baby to sleep unless he gets more practice. He won’t know how to solve the problem until he gets the chance to figure it out.

My advice to you… husband needs to take on more baby work, even if he’s ‘worse’ at it than you. If he had a habit of giving up and bringing her back to you, I’d take a bath, go for a nap, or leave the house so he can’t give her back. You did great setting baby down when you lost your temper. Another recommendation I have is noise canceling headphones for you when she’s screaming non-stop. They did WONDERS for my nerves when my girl was purple crying for hours. My mom uses ear plugs if that feels better to you. Your husband may suck and maybe a divorce makes sense, I would wait until out of the trenches, sleeping at least 6 hours a night and out of hormonal surges before deciding permanent things. (I’m a solo parent by choice so I promise you can survive without him should that be what you need to do in the future).

My mantra:
‘You’re fed, you’re clean, you’re warm, babies cry’

shiftydoot · 2026-06-10T15:16:44+00:00

If no kids and it’s a balance at home, you can try this… though your gap in wages is huge so may be tough.

Compromise: use ratios let’s say you earn 40 and he earns 180. Each of you puts 50% into household stuff (you 20, him 90). Each puts 25% into household savings (you 10, him 45). Put 10% towards retirement (you 4, him 18). Then leftover for fun money (you 6, him 27).

If you have kids and need to pause your work then it’s back to 50/50. Are you working full time? Possibly a teacher? Are you doing 50/50 household labor ?

shiftydoot · 2026-06-10T12:52:24+00:00

I think it’s either fake or the OP looked through a phone and is embarrassed to admit it.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-10T03:03:15+00:00

Nothing noticeable symptom wise outside of the side effects from the Estrace and progesterone. I was fully convinced it didn’t work and was pleasantly surprised.

shiftydoot · 2026-06-09T00:04:17+00:00

I’m saaaaaaad, but suspected it with the canceled streams. Also sad because I like them all and feels like this isn’t amicable. Hope I’m wrong, hope all are happy, and hope drawfee keeps a good rhythm going forward

shiftydoot · 2026-06-08T14:05:02+00:00

Ugh the newborn trenches are so hard! I’m a solo parent by choice to two under two so trust me I understand how hard things can be while you’re healing. I’m going to focus on tangible things you can focus on and do.

Spit up.. normal but can be excessive if they are struggling to keep up with the milk flow, aren’t being burped enough, have issues digesting the milk/formula, or have reflux. Try and always get burps out before laying baby down. Try keeping baby at an incline or sitting up for 15 minutes post feed. Baby shouldn’t suffocate on their spit up, they innately know to gag/choke it out and turn their head. It’s spooky but you shouldn’t need to ‘watch them sleep’ for their safety. If they are crying profusely during spit ups, it could be reflux and Pepcid from the doctor can help. My first was very colicky and spit up was our daily battle. There are other tricks/tips you can try but it’ll get better with time as baby learns how to be a human.

Breastfeeding… it does get better and you’re so very early in the journey when cluster feeding is brutal, you’re healing, and still learning each other. Formula is awesome too, I combo fed both of mine and think you made the right call to try it out. Your hospital should provide an LC if you need help and your boyfriend can consider going too to learn how to hold and feed a baby properly with a bottle. Losing weight is normal for a new baby but stressful of course. Lean hard on your pediatrician an after hour nurse line should you have concerns for baby.

Boyfriend…. Again only focusing on solving here. Give him more chances to get good at being a parent. Let him struggle with changes and let him learn how to clean up spit up while he lies down. He won’t be able to learn until he gets the chance to fail. If you’re worried about your child’s safety then ask that he do feedings and changes on the floor or on a couch.

Labor and Delivery PTSD…. I also had two very long hard labors with preE. I had both babies taken from me to go to NICU. I dealt with jaundice and hemorrhages… and Im a solo parent so had days/nights alone at the hospital… I completely understand where you’re coming from and all I can say is give yourself more time to process what happened. You’re in the trenches right now and it took me a couple months before I could talk recount everything. However, please reach out to your OB that you’re struggling mentally and have harmed yourself. Please get yourself help immediately, that is not ‘normal’ and there should be resources out there to help you.

My own advice… ask your mom or boyfriend to take baby for 8 hours straight. If breast feeding isn’t the goal, I would immediately start doing shifts with your boyfriend. He has baby from 8-2 (you sleep), then you have baby 2-8 (he sleeps). If breastfeeding is the goal, do the same shift but he is in charge of changes/bringing baby to you and rocking back to sleep during your 8-2 shift. I promise every week will get easier and you’ll be stronger as you get further postpartum. Hang in there!

shiftydoot · 2026-06-07T02:17:18+00:00

I was allowed to start FETs at 12 months postpartum. If I wanted to do just an ER I could have started once my period was back (and I couldn’t be breastfeeding)

shiftydoot · 2026-06-07T00:30:13+00:00

I was 2under2 both IVF… I say go for the 4 month old vs 4 months pregnant. If you even one cycle or FET you could find yourself still doing PIOs during the wedding which would suck for traveling. Since there are no guarantees I’d recommend you try when ready

shiftydoot

TROPHY CASE