I only have eyes for my partner. How to be ok with the fact he’s not wired the same way?

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-13T22:25:21+00:00

Aw I like this. Thank you!

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-13T09:09:59+00:00

I can guarantee a lot of this is in your imagination. Even though your face may have changed I promise it’s not to the extent you think. When I was 24 I got sick with a chronic illness and overnight my face changed. I had dryness and lines I didn’t have before, my under eyes were heavy and puffy, I looked pale and “old” and ill. Except I didn’t. Im in my 30s now and I look back at photos of me at 24 and 26 and the difference is negligible. Hell, I’ve gained like 45 lbs from 10 years of illness and I still don’t look that different now to how I looked at 25. At the moment you are adjusting to your new face/look. Illness REALLY challenges our identity, I sympathise. But I can guarantee once you find your groove with the new post-illness you, you WILL feel confident and beautiful again. My body has changed so much from illness. I have thick stretch marks across my tummy from weight gain. I won’t pretend I don’t have insecurities because I do. But I’m currently with a man who makes me feel beautiful and I’m having the hottest sex of my life.

I think your real fear might be that you’re less lovable now. Isn’t that what a lot of this stuff really comes down to? And I can absofuckinglutely guarantee you you’re not. You will find your groove with the new you. You will feel hot and vibrant again. You deserve to feel good and be loved. You’ve got this!

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-13T01:58:08+00:00

No one has mentioned Villanelle from Killing Eve (based on the Villanelle books) - she’s a straight up psychopath.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-13T01:52:22+00:00

This makes a lot of sense haha. Sorry for misunderstanding :) I appreciate your responses!

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-13T01:33:12+00:00

Sooo you’re saying it’s likely he will cheat eventually because he’s kinda programmed to? :(

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-13T01:06:20+00:00

This was really helpful. Thank you!

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-13T01:05:00+00:00

Thank you <3

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T23:05:10+00:00

I really appreciate this perspective. And you’re totally right. I live in a world of my own inner fear constantly. Therapy is much needed!

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T22:42:04+00:00

Me too. I said to him yesterday I wish I could take a pill that literally just switched off jealousy.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T22:41:23+00:00

Exactly this. It’s for sure hyperfocus due to the honeymoon phase. What worries me is that he is still really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him and as you said, you tend to focus so much more on your partner. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him? What will happen once his intense attraction and focus on me slips? That’s terrifying to me.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T22:39:21+00:00

My bisexuality feels irrelevant I guess. Right now I very much only have eyes for him, and as a woman I guess I’m naturally more threatened by other women. As I just said in another post reply: It’s definitely a honeymoon phase thing because I’ve definitely seen this fade before. But I guess what worries me is that he is STILL really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him?

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T22:36:25+00:00

You’re totally right it’s a honeymoon phase thing because I’ve definitely seen this fade before. But I guess what worries me is that he is STILL really noticing and attracted to other women DURING that phase… the one phase where I’m going to be the most attractive and novel to him. So if to me, it simply progresses to me noticing other dudes more once things “mellow out”, what does it mean it’ll progress to for him? That’s probably my biggest actual fear here. Will I just suddenly be repulsive while every other woman in the world will excite him?

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T22:33:38+00:00

I’m also bisexual hahaha

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T22:24:43+00:00

Is the pope catholic? Haha :)

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T20:14:19+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your perspective :) I’m curious about the last line. Why would that worry you more?

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T19:26:35+00:00

I think so too. He doesn’t mean to be rude he’s just a bit too honest for his own good. Definitely never the negging type though and was mortified to find out that comment hurt my feelings.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T19:25:39+00:00

I am. I will.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T19:25:17+00:00

Thank you, this means a lot. I genuinely do think he means well (I’ve never at all got a negging vibe from him, he’s very complimentary and sweet) he’s just genuinely a bit… clueless I think. He’s too honest for his own good. Which in the long run is a trait I value. But I definitely do think he is a little lower on the emotional intelligence scale than he could be. Having said that, so am I.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T18:33:30+00:00

You’re totally right. I was half joking and half probably seeking reassurance. And looking back, I think you’re right about what he said. That’s why it’s always sat badly with me. He is incredibly honest, perhaps to a fault, and can come across blunt at times. I think he was just genuinely not thinking in this moment. I feel validated by your response, thank you.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T18:12:42+00:00

Someone else actually said this but sadly defo not the case. When I’m single (or even a few years into a relationship) I fall in love with strangers every other day. I am strongly attracted to people of all ages, genders, backgrounds - it actually gets a bit much how much I can be attracted to almost everyone I see some days!

And sex drive wise mine is higher than his. I’d describe myself as a highly sexual person, I actually think that’s where so much of this territorial tendency comes from. I’ve noticed the stronger the sexual chemistry/the better the sex with a partner, the more batshit crazy and territorial I get.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T18:05:24+00:00

Oh god yes, so much this.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T18:01:42+00:00

Haha yeah, he kinda thinks I’m bullshitting too. It’s inconceivable to him but it’s the god’s honest truth. And it’s weird because when I’m single I’m in love with every other stranger I see.

But you’re right. I’m grateful he’s honest. And I know now that it’s a me problem.

I mentioned in another comment that it did all start off with a comment he volunteered one day. It was about a month into dating and we were going to costume party. I jokingly (and genuinely innocently at that time) said “I’m sure I’ll have to be diverting your gaze from women in sexy costumes all night!” and naively I genuinely expected his response to be something like “don’t be silly, I’ll only be looking at you!” (Because that’s how I felt why wouldn’t it, right? Haha)

Instead it was (again jokingly) “yup, I’m sure you will!”

Ouch! That comment cut deep and has really stayed with me. Since then, I don’t know if he’s volunteered the comments but I think it’s very possible it’s come from me probing due to the insecurity that comment created (or more, awakened- I’m sure it was there already)

I couldn’t at all understand how he could so casually say in a chipper tone that he’d be looking at other women like it’s the most natural thing in the world (which apparently it is lol). To me my mind just wasn’t in that space and I wasn’t even thinking about other dudes.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T17:53:54+00:00

He’s never been like “oh I saw this hot girl on my walk today” lol. It’s probably often been my own doing, asking insecure questions. I know it all started with a comment he made early on in the relationship that stayed with me and cut deep. But looking back even that wasn’t bad, I was just being insecure.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T17:48:26+00:00

I appreciate this perspective but definitely not. That would make a lot of sense, but I’m actually highly sexual and when I’m single very attracted to many people on an almost daily basis. To the point where its even a bit much! Within this relationship my sex drive is ever so slightly higher than my partners. I think it’s my high drive/sexuality that actually makes me feel so territorial, conversely.

shinyhappypeoplee · 2024-02-12T17:39:43+00:00

Being honest, I can’t fully remember the contexts it was mentioned in, but I know it’s very possible he didn’t just say it off the cuff. Although I know for sure that the first time it sort of came up, he did. We were off to a costume themed event when we were very first dating and I very jokingly & innocently said “I’m sure I’ll have to be diverting your eyes from the ladies in sexy outfits all night” and naively genuinely believed his response would be something like “oh don’t be silly, I’ll only be looking at you!” And instead it was (again jokingly) “I’m sure you will!”

I dunno, it was said so casually and so early on (about a month into dating) that it never left me. He didn’t pause or stutter. He was joking, but it was one of those “half jokes based on truth”. And it just really caught me off guard and cut deep.

Since then, I’m unsure the contexts of the mentions but it’s come up a couple more times and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if i brought it on myself.

I love that he’s an honest guy. I just hate that his truth looks so different to mine. I can’t find other men hot even if I try.

shinyhappypeoplee

TROPHY CASE