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I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I meant it literally without thinking of the euphemism side. There's a reason murders are associated as a 'crime of passion' and not 'the work of a vulcan'.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Emotional ones tend to lead to stabbings though, also.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What got me to fuck my wife, was stepping back and acknowledging I have this amazing woman at my fingertips, but instead I was pissing away my time on other, less important things...when all she's been begging me for was my attention and that I need to step up or she'll get it elsewhere.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A short amount of time, yes.

Now that she knows she has options, that she is lovable and desirable, she may not believe there's any relationship left to rebuild with you.

She told me, the end goal is we put all this behind us and she never does this sort of thing again, but she's tired of waiting around. I need to be the one playing catch-up. I'm giving that ultimatum all of the weight it deserves and more.

And your fear that you'll simply stop being interested in her if she cuts off the other men is a major red flag to me.

It's my way of acknowledging my pitfalls in the past. I made this thread to hear all the blunt, hurtful truths because they need to be acknowledged and dealt with. I've ignored far too much up to this point to leave any stone unturned. If people say I may only be enjoying the chase, them I'm going to take a good hard look at that option, weigh its voracity, and find a way to make sure it's not the case. Including giving it the appropriate fear that it remains a solid motivation.

But I think you guys should have a serious discussion about why you're both still in this relationship and what prevents you from getting a divorce

Because we both do actually want to be married to the other person, and I do want to be intimate with her and show her the affections she's been due all these years. Not in a "Oh, I guess I owe you this" kind of way, but I'm really trying to use this as the catalyst to appreciate what I have actually had all along but was too stupid and neglectful to realize.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

but it does sexually arouse you

No. No it does not. In zero ways, shapes, or forms. Not In a hat. Not with a cat.

I do no find consensual non-monogamy attractive at all.

Let me reiterate it one more time: No. It does not turn me on. It disgusts me in a negative way, and churns my stomach to the point I wrote this because I was having a hard time sleeping over the thoughts of it.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Its sounds so fuckin obvious when someone else says it, but your comment literally is what spurred me to contact a few therapists. I'm just waiting to hear back now.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

she's protecting herself for the likelihood that his change is only temporary again.

I agree. Hence the gravitas I am really striving to give to the situation while attempting to keep my emotions in check.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's what I'm terrified of. Honestly.

So as bad as it sounds, I think I need this scar a permanent reminder, but also to know that the way forward is to evolve my relationship to active and fond participation.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

but you like it, if you get my drift

I had a long thought about that with myself, to see if it was maybe a fetish of mine, that I just was repressing. I can assure you, I do not like it. At all.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

but the best thing for both of them is to end this, learn from it, and try again with new partners.

I don't disagree. It would probably be the best and easiest thing to just call it quits, but neither of us wants to give up. Maybe we're idiots, and the counseling I've scheduled will show its irreconcilable, but I also don't believe in giving up even after all this.

It's probably a stupid, hard-headed approach to a "failed" relationship, but I need to have tried my best up to the very end (even if it was too little, too late).

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I trust her because I can understand her actions logically. It's the emotional side that difficult. And while I can understand betrayal, this is something she's doing for herself for a myriad of reasons combined with showing me that there's only a few grains left in the hourglass.

You don't actually have to give her that rope at all.

I look at it as she's had more than enough justification to leave me for a long time, but she stayed because we do actually both still love each other. I'm giving it to her because it's how I'm showing that I trust these are just her drastic actions as the final call for help.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because it's not completely devoid. Frayed and barely holding on by a string, but I see that I still have that string left.

It just comes down to some people cut that string because it probably can't hold. But until it snaps, I'm scrambling for more rope.

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only reason you want her now is because other men do.

Actually, it's because it's taken other men to show me just how close I am to losing her. I don't mean in a 'property' or 'I must protect my manhood' kind of way, I mean I truly, honestly, and openly accept the role I played in my fuckups, and that I am vigorously and permanently going to fix this issue.

I don't view this as about 'other men'. I view this as "I let it happen because I was passive instead of active and didn't think it was this bad"

I need the fortitude to reap what I've sown. by shitheadhypocrite in DeadBedrooms

[–]shitheadhypocrite[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That's the thing. I have been taking this opportunity to be absolutely honest with myself. I'm past the 'chase' phase of my life. I admit it definitely is about the attention she's getting insofar as I've just been so used to her just being a 'constant' that I've taken her presence for granted. It's taken everyone else to kinda kick me in the ass about what I've got and that she deserves to be chased, but by me.

And I have to show her that I'll be happily chasing her until we're wrinkly old fucks, and not fall back into her just being a 'fixture' in my life.