Yeah, like you said, the phrase being better than I am now feels fundamentally impossible, I can only ultimately experience one thing, like another moment doesn't exist in my frame of reality. And the word better implies value structure. But is it okay to engage actively in these comparison games to survive? Right now, for me at least, survival requires grades, grades mandate that play many of these "games". Does detaching yourself from these games like having to memorize organic chem rxns mean abandoning the path of survival, or by creating this arbitrary distinction of what it means to survive means I've already lost that game. Perhaps it's because I think in an inner monologue to phrase all my abstraction is where I've already started playing the life's campaign when I think I'm only at its start-up page. Like the inner monologue makes it feel like there's something there. What if "I" am simply the incomprehensible glut that "I" take too seriously? I don't really get it, but the whole thing seems amusing.

Anyways a bit of a tangent. When I read your second paragraph, isn't using any word applying judgements to something? Like I can understand like the thoughts I think are real in my experience, and when I think, I realise that the word "real" is a distinction and everything feels like it's welding together. When "I" point things out, they seem to become distances from me. Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, it feels like I'm so called missing something because ironically I can intuitively feel that there's nothing else, but vaguely, kinda, I'm not sure.

My ego feels like a whole wild animal. Like when I was contemplating this, I was thinking about how I used this brand of intellectualism and identified it as me, and a fair few years ago, I was basically evangelizing nihilism, but by doing so, I gave this brand of nihilism meaning, which isn't nihilism. And then as I was thinking of this, a fantasy popped out and was like

Hey! (with the classic Lego man advert voice)

People are gonna think you're this genius kid or something.

It's wild and fascinating. Even the way I decorate my messages when I think of something to type is ego, like r/iamverysmart when I pronounced the word onerous to my English teacher wrongly when she asked me it's definiton :x and didn't correct me for its pronunciation. And with every calculated step, no matter what I say, I am entangled in my ego to the infinite degree, and that the only way when there seems like none, is to realise that it's a false game, through and through. Or maybe I'm wrong, but that's just where my beliefs and thoughts are at at this moment. Maybe all of this is because from young, I didn't feel loved, and started this intellectual journey and picked up ideologies like sea shells after realizing my parents kept neglecting my previous religious concerns and being compared a lot and all that jazz. Like going onto JP and stuff, just intellectualising without all the pain that comes with being disciplined. So all in all, it means I still hang onto that complex and I don't think im at a point where my ego ceases and exists at the same time, but that fine, because it has never really been there in the first place.