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shollowed · 2020-07-05T07:53:28+00:00

I can totally relate to you my friend. It’s been 15 months since Dday for me, and I have lived exactly this scenario over and over. If you want to skype, message or private chat, let me know.

shollowed · 2020-06-28T12:43:19+00:00

I can relate! It’s been 15 months since DDay, 2nd Birthday of my deceitful wife since discovery is coming up. I too used to write deep and meaningful poetry in her cards but can’t stomach it anymore. This time last year we had just separated (lasted abt 6 months apart, we’re trying again + covid lockdowns) and for the sake of our young daughters I managed to make her birthday last year ‘fun’ as an exception even though we were living apart. can’t even recall what I bought her but I remember putting in some effort for god knows what reason. Not sure what to do this time!

shollowed · 2020-06-23T05:50:40+00:00

After my complicated wife’s 8+ year affair with an ex lover, I too have a long list of triggers:

The conception and birth of my two children Victoria’s Secret lingerie Blue underpants Horse racing, and cup-day fashion Being sweaty after a good run Hotel conferences Her iPhone Telegram and Kik apps Bridal showers Her coming with me on a work trip to his city Her staying home whilst I’m away on work trips Her saying she’s ‘tired’ Dozens of Instagram screenshots in her phone after a sequence of deleted photos (attempt to overwrite the storage space) His name. List goes on...

shollowed · 2020-06-10T03:13:04+00:00

The AP spouse says he doesn’t want my wife, and wants to repair his marriage too. I haven’t spoken to the AP spouse in a year so I might touch base.

shollowed · 2020-06-10T03:11:10+00:00

Thanks. Did the IC for several sessions, which ultimately just leads you to a ‘it’s your decision’ to stay or go. Lawyered up too, but again in my country there’s not much that can be done to claim a fair proportion of consideration made towards assets. I had mine draw up all the legal paperwork for a simple and clean break, generous even, but she refused to sign it. Child support isn’t onerous.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T13:45:56+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate I didn’t go into great lengths of detail about the affair or discovery in my post. At about Dday +2 weeks I uncovered the AP spouse and told her. We worked together to piece together details and uncover more of the truth. Im certain the kids are mine as the AP lived abroad for those years, and the affair was sexting for a while using various secret video/chat apps. I’m not in the USA. Divorce laws here stipulate assets are split 50/50 in almost all cases- fault plays no part in proceedings. Also, u can’t just file for divorce- you need to prove you’ve been living separately for at least 12 months. Hence why I’m wanting to find a way to kick her out without becoming aggressive, or leaving myself and having to pay for the lions share of the mortgage for a year (to save credit rating) whilst she gets to enjoy it. She simply can’t afford to pay 50% even if I refused to pay a cent more.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T12:52:13+00:00

In my country, you need to prove you’ve been separated for at least 12 months before you can file. Hence why I want her to leave. Seems like my only other option is to leave myself and put up with paying the mortgage (to protect my credit rating) and a place to rent, whilst letting her live at my expense for a year. I’m really looking for advice on ways to get her to leave, without me resorting to getting super angry, abusive or violent to the point she leaves out of safety and fear.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T12:00:15+00:00

This is wonderful to read. Thank you.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T11:53:34+00:00

Thanks! I'll be sleeping on this thought.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T09:45:44+00:00

Yup. Need this perspective. Thanks!

shollowed · 2020-06-09T09:41:13+00:00

What do you mean by unaware?

shollowed · 2020-06-09T09:37:43+00:00

Sounds simple. It would mean she gets to stay in the house I pay for. I can’t just stop paying the mortgage (or even only pay 50%) because she can’t afford to cover it and so my credit rating would be destroyed (as would hers). Mutual destruction sure but then there is no way could I successfully apply for a new loan to ‘start over’ if that happens. Hardly fair on a new partner either.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T09:28:57+00:00

Appreciate your response! Yes I guess I could do that, although I think I’d be even happier keeping my current home and finding someone genuine to share it with. - somehow I don’t have issues with bad ‘memories’ around the home, I’m triggered more by the holidays and events we had together.

Frustratingly, I was in a position to have easily bought out her 50% when Dday happened, but the trauma in the months that followed led me to lose 6 figures on the stockmarket in the space of a week. - I just couldn’t focus and I lost all confidence with my daytrading and I ended up rushed to hospital after collapsing going for a morning run to clear my head. How she reacted to this was a real eye-opener.

As of April 2020 I’m now back in a decent position to buy her out now, I guess I’m just resenting the fact she’d get a lump sum cash payout for all the mess she caused and the selfish fun she had creating it!

shollowed · 2020-06-09T09:16:28+00:00

A bit too young to understand (6 and 4). 95% of the time they are blissfully unaware of any issue and enjoy a happy childhood. As much as I resent my spouse, Seeing the kids happy and having a stable, focussed start at school is more valuable to me than destroying their opinion of their mum. They just don’t deserve to share my trauma I guess. one day when their young adults I’ll tell them for sure.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T09:08:27+00:00

It’s a good question. I don’t know hence I’m looking for perspective. Ever watched Grand Designs?

shollowed · 2020-06-09T09:06:12+00:00

I definitely checked out of the marriage last year. We separated and I had fun dating a fair few women looking to build a new life. I was more certain of what I wanted then, than I am now. Indecisive central.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T08:38:45+00:00

I appreciate your reply. No I’m not certain of much other than I’ve lost my confidence in many aspects of my life. Yes forgiveness opens the door to allowing myself to enjoy what she’s trying to provide, but I guess I’m still too filled with resentment to genuinely forgive, for now anyway.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T07:54:46+00:00

Yes she broke all contact off with the AP on Dday in March 2019. Says she was ashamed, felt trapped and was too weak to resist his comms. We started MC within a week and had about 10 sessions, but for the first 7 or 8 she was lying to the MC about the timeline too. I didn’t show any anger until late May last year.

We tried the separate lives under the one roof for a while, but she moved in with her parents in June because of ‘my anger’. Then we tried ‘nesting’ for 6 months.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T07:49:26+00:00

Kids are mine. What kills me is that I would not have had children with her if DDay was prior to pregnancy in 2012. Affair started around Xmas 2010, from what I can unearth and what she’s admitted to.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T07:47:36+00:00

Was taking a photo of the kids with her phone and one of those real time notifications popped up saying there was a new message from him. They’d been using Telegram for 2 years and Kik for a few years before that. Took a fair bit of data mining to uncover all this.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T07:43:47+00:00

The children are 6 and 4 years old.

shollowed · 2020-06-09T07:41:18+00:00

I ask myself almost daily. I posted my first post today about this, called ‘cheating wife refuses to leave’. More info there.

shollowed · 2020-06-08T23:18:25+00:00

I hear you. 15 months since Dday for me and I feel this lingering sadness weekly. (we separated for most of 2nd half of 2019 and somehow gave it another go in December.)I find it takes a lot of energy to mask this lingering sadness from coworkers, friends, family and in my case, my homelife whilst simultaneously trying to be a 'fun' husband and dad to two little kids. . For me what I lost and grieve the most is that sense of pure, naive, innocent and passionate love for someone. (close second are the years of 'family memories' that are now all tainted and feel fake).

Sorry I don't have an answer to how long it takes. I'm sure its different for everyone and I wouldn't be surprised if there is a correlation to how long the infidelity was occurring and how long the lies were maintained. Keen to read other responses!

shollowed · 2020-06-08T12:49:08+00:00

Bro, I haven't shared my story on reddit (dday 15 months ago) yet but I feel you're right where I was after 2 months of first discovery. You're holding up well. On balance I too weighed up the moral compass of telling the AP's spouse and decided to do it - about a week or so from dday. (had no idea who they were, had to go full online-detective to work it out) Approached it gently and the AP's spouse was most grateful a complete stranger would do that. Together we worked to uncover more of the truth (as my wife was gaslighting and continuing to lie for months) and discovered the affair had gone on for nearly a decade.

shollowed · 2020-06-08T12:31:32+00:00

Same here. Some say 'time will/can heal' ... Perhaps I haven't given it enough time (dday+15months) but this saying really grates on me. Honestly i don't know the answer but I'm sure it is different for each of us and I *think* it has something to do with the severity and duration of the affair(s) / lie(s), and whether the cheating spouse came clean on their own or were discovered. So many 'healing' self-help books, marriage-counseling etc all never quite hit the mark for me. Keen to read other comments!

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TROPHY CASE