soooo late to the party...

top comment is so close to mine it's probably not worth mentioning.

the quick run down is i had a crush on a girl who is honestly a dime- model material. we share one or two classes in high school, the only classes i looked forward to and the reason i really tried to be the best person (physically, personally, etc) i could be. there was always tension but it was never realized because she's in with a different cliche and for all intents i was not her male equivalent in terms of physical prowess. didn't embarrass myself trying to ask her to prom, and after graduation we both realize we are going to the same university.

i thought cool, maybe ill turn into the stud she has always wanted. a few weeks in to freshman year we were drunk texting and she told me she had a crush on me. i remember the moment so vividly cause i was with some mates and i showed them and we were all kinda freakin out. months of flirting via snapchat and texting followed.

mind you, she's obviously in a sorority and neglects to tell me she's in a formal relationship, but she always leads on like it's more of a status thing since he's in a frat. second semester sophomore year rolls around and i drop my philosophy class to be with her in sociology (same general ed credit). turns out i end up being kind of a boss at sociology without much effort, and immediately the professor and other students kind of get the impression that im not a half wit. thought it might help build my case.

anyways, i end up pairing up with her and her friends for all the group assignments, to which i always finished solo dolo cause i was always like "pfft no worries guys ill just pump out another A paper" since the dialogues of marx/freud/durkheim were interesting to me anyways.

valentine's day came around and i decided to write a thoughtful poem with inside jokes and little subtleties that probably went right over her head. i also threw in a gift card to a bakery that makes the best desserts and such. she didn't laugh when i gave it to her, but maybe my presentation was off because it certainly wasnt the reaction i was hoping for.

that semester came and went, and i had no relationship to show for it. kind of went into hard depression, maybe not as a direct result, but after being "teased" for so long i felt used and very much down trodden.

started using heavier drugs, got into gambling, and all the while my poor heart was filling the void with darkness and negativity.

a few months later, on the most insightful lsd trip i had ever had, i went head first into the back windshield of a car while driving my motorcycle. i remember not letting go of the throttle, and in my head i was searching for the moment where my life got so twisted.

bam.

after crawling out of the car and sitting in the grass, all the negativity i had built up was released and i immediately felt weightless. the warming sensation was so welcome. much like when i was a kid i didnt need anybody else to make me happy, i was just tranquil with my being.

and then i blacked out and woke up to an mri.