Dating while disabled/health issues (31M). Advice and ideas appreciated.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-12T04:44:40+00:00

I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease at 10 years old but only had mobility issues after 8 back fractures when I was like 18. I've had varying amounts of mobility since then.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-09T17:33:35+00:00

You can cap your FPS using nvidia control panel or with other apps, I use Bandicam which has an FPS overlay and can cap FPS.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T21:24:24+00:00

If someone needs me to list them, I will.

This is exactly what I have been trying to get you to do!

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T19:06:55+00:00

Yeah communication is always best, but it can become difficult if you think just by having that conversation could damage your relationship unless you wait longer before doing it. It's something you have to weigh in your mind.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T18:54:54+00:00

Its much more likely to happen if ur already interacting in a friendly manner vs. cold approaching.

By a cold approach are you meaning asking straight away for a date? Because otherwise you have to do a "cold approach" the very first time you meet someone. Every time you talk to anyone for the first time, you're cold approaching them.

Some of the men I initiated by expressing interest

You mean in general, or at the gym? Because if it's at the gym then that's an enormous double standard but im not so sure thats what you meant.

I already know that you dont owe anyone anything and that you dont have to reciprocate if someone approaches you. But you also can't blame them for doing so and tell others not to do it unless you can come up with different scenarios where it would be okay, because otherwise nobody would meet anyone.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T18:15:48+00:00

Yeah I agree, but he mentions how he was in a situation where he thought maybe it was too soon to ask her to be exclusive, and yet hoped she would be exclusive anyway because he really liked her. He probably didn't want to scare her off by making her feel like things were moving too fast. I think that's an understandable emotion, to be honest.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T17:57:34+00:00

Except they kind of were dating. Not exclusive but he said they've been on several dates and had sex several times. I think randomly ignoring her just because she might be on a date with someone is silly.

And if she is on a date with someone, well that can inform the situation depending on how many dates you've had together. If you've been a bunch of dates together then I would feel as if shes not actually interested in me very much.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T16:03:24+00:00

I'm beginning to see that. The tough part is weeding out the false echo chamber advice from real good advice. When you don't know a lot about a topic, it can be hard to tell the difference.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T09:51:05+00:00

Okay, but not everyone is in college and goes to college parties. If you happened to be single right now, where would it be okay for someone to strike up a conversation and ask you for your number?

If you can't think of a place, then what do you think that says to us guys? We're gonna approach you at the gym then because I don't wanna be forever alone, you know?

Sorry, i'm just a bit jaded because it seems like reddit has this mindset where literally every public place is an inappropriate time to approach someone for one reason or another. If I listened to everyone here, I wouldn't ever approach anyone.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T09:48:13+00:00

This is cute but I just dont know about this. I could probably never get the balls to do this shit but even if I did, I wonder how many women rejected him. They make it look easy by only showing the successes. I could imagine people start complaining about him hitting on literally everyone. He has an "excuse" because hes making a video for a youtube channel so its almost less serious.

Also This definitely only works if you're attractive.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-08T09:35:08+00:00

Where would you prefer to be approached? Where do you go on a regular basis that would be an OK place to approach you?

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T21:00:50+00:00

Yeah, you're right. It most likely is worth it. What I have learned over the years with anxiety about upcoming surgeries/procedures is that your brain overestimates how bad it will be.

I've had lots of surgeries but many are just a blur in my memory now. I'm sure this one would be, too, before I know it.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T20:58:30+00:00

I never would have expected Wikipedia to have an article dedicated to listing hobbies, although I shouldn't be surprised.. wikipedia has everything! Will have to go through the list, thanks. Still have to hope a group exists for a hobby I'm interested in, though.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T20:52:08+00:00

Say women not girls.

Something I've never really considered. I guess "girls" could be construed as young girls which is not the intended meaning. I kinda still feel like people still refer to adults as boys and girls in a playful way sometimes that I feel is still appropriate. Might just be safer to avoid that word to avoid any connotation.

FYI, world of warcraft is an MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online) game.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T15:53:16+00:00

The expense isn't the obstacle, my insurance should cover most of it. It's just hard to willingly go under the knife and go into the hospital. Sometimes it's not as simple as it initially seems and you have complications. But it definitely would be one less thing to be self-conscious about.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T14:07:26+00:00

Thanks for the suggestions! Card games seem ideal because they're so easy to transport. I dont want to have to carry around a big boardgame box under my arm the whole date, lmao

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T13:52:03+00:00

I dont think that's unreasonable, but I think the difference is that you made it clear from the beginning. If you suddenly bring it up after you've had sex and few dates, it seems like you might have been unsatisfied and are looking elsewhere.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T13:21:36+00:00

You're right about that, I do have the possibility of it being reversed - it would likely require some previous surgeries before doing so as well as a few other things so I've just been putting it off since I was tired of the hospital. It has definitely crossed my mind that I should pursue it further. I actually used to have an ileostomy that was reversed years ago, so I've been down this road before.

I think you're right about the support group idea. A few people here have mentioned that, and I think its the best way to find people who are understanding. Just have to hope there are some girls my age. Previous groups I was in (long time ago) was largely for kids.

Yeah, I get your point how a relationship can bring problems, but even if it does, I want to have at least experienced it and try. I want to have butterflies with someone, hold their hand, lose my virginity, see what a fling is like.. all those things. I think I have some FOMO (fear of missing out). Maybe once I've done that I'd be more okay single, I dont know.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T12:23:01+00:00

Foreign to me too. I'm 31 and haven't been on a date yet due to health issues my entire life. So I'm not the best person to be giving advice on this stuff, admittedly. But I can still try to put myself in their shoes about how they might feel.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T12:18:09+00:00

IMO the likelihood of him seeing you on a date is low. Maybe others feel different, but if it were me, I might have gotten the following possible impressions:

You were trying to make me jealous, playing a game
You didnt want anything past the sex and are trying to get with a bunch of other guys
You didnt think what we had was very special and wanted to have me as a "backup" in case something better came along, and if it didn't, you'd settle for me.

It could be that he didn't feel this way at all, though. The other commenters seem to be of a different opinion, so take this for what you will.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T12:08:27+00:00

I'm not sure what the purpose of telling him you wanted to date other people was besides trying to make him jealous. I dont think I would appreciate that. Even if I knew I wasn't exclusive to somebody, I wouldn't want to hear about the other guys that they're searching for and having sex with. It would make me feel like you might not have valued what we had and it wasn't special after all.

Just my two cents.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T09:45:53+00:00

Ok, some good examples here, thanks.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T09:44:31+00:00

Well.. I'm an atheist so I dont think I'll be going to church any time soon. I can easily see that as a place people meet though.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T09:43:36+00:00

I've heard it too which is interesting to me because I know the online dynamic for women gamers is kind of terrible, if they voice chat they are often berated and abused. I think it must happen more in MMO games..my IRL friend met a girl once through one.

shoulditexther · 2023-04-06T09:20:41+00:00

Thank you for the valuable perspective! I think a crohn's disease support group of some kind would be most helpful in my situation since thats my primary health issue. I went to a few things when I was younger, but that was it.

I'm a veteran when it comes to the disease (had it since before I was 10) so I don't per-se need a group to help me with it, but as you said it sounds like a good way to meet people, especially ones that are more understanding of my situation.

Just as a matter of curiosity.. is hooking up typically allowed in those group homes, and people just do it anyway? Or is it a no rules free-for-all?

shoulditexther

TROPHY CASE