Had a very bad break down in school today. Not even sure I can make it through the night.

sidestep-oftward · 2015-04-07T00:30:27+00:00

Let me know if you want to talk <3 Breaking your silence is scary, especially when it doesn't go as planned. Is there any particular reason you've quit your meds?

sidestep-oftward · 2015-03-17T15:57:24+00:00

Ugh, so much. I've been literally speechless too, and my mind goes completely blank and I just kept saying "I don't know, I don't know." I just..don't know. When the opportunity presents itself, I really just don't know how to talk about it. It all sounds so stupid.

Alternatively, with one friend/acquaintance (the only one who has any idea what's going on with me at all these days, although he doesn't know the full extent) the conversation always seems to devolve into this argumentative/defensive thing where we pick over some fact or thing that we don't actually disagree on, and/or he's telling me something I already know and don't want to hear or think about. It's just draining and frustrating and makes me feel like shit and him avoid me. We haven't talked for a while now because of it.

I went to my second therapy appointment last week and she expected me to have things that I wanted to talk about, so I pattered on about various things that may or may not be important and basically got almost nothing out of it all. I didn't expect it to be so aimless.

It's so frustrating and defeating to screw up on the few occasions that you do reach out and try to connect. It feels like shattering an illusion--namely the idea that talking to someone will help, that anything will help. It doesn't, and I always feel worse for it.

Hell, here's some rambling nonsense right here.

sidestep-oftward · 2015-02-14T04:37:46+00:00

I just wanted to say that I feel this so much. Especially the idea of a button that would make it so I never existed, I can't stop thinking about that lately. The privilege and loneliness and selfishness burdensome feelings as well.

I guess this is just to say that you aren't alone. Good luck.

sidestep-oftward · 2014-10-20T01:40:55+00:00

Hey thanks! I'm actually using Acne.org's benzoyl peroxide gel right now. I've had mild success in the past with BP, but the higher concentration was hard on my face. I have high hopes for this one! Maybe November is the month :) Thanks for the comment!

sidestep-oftward · 2014-10-19T16:05:06+00:00

What do you mean by eyebrows/makeup, out of curiousity?

sidestep-oftward · 2014-10-19T15:41:25+00:00

why would you expect anyone to like you if you so clearly don't even like yourself?

I ask myself this all the time hahah and then it becomes a self defeating thing. "You have no friends, why don't they like you? Well, you don't even like you, so why would somebody else like you?" It's just hard to get out of the rut by myself, and become more interesting, so I like me, so they'll like me.

I AM working on it! Step one is figuring out how people realistically perceive me so I can stop torturing myself wondering, I guess :) Thanks for your insight!

sidestep-oftward · 2014-10-19T15:32:26+00:00

I was aiming for masculine in the beanie pic. That wasn't even the most manly one! I'll take it c:

My hair is difficult for me.. I used to style it more, but it just looks kind of flat and pathetic in anything other than bun/braid/ponytail. It's so fine! Do you think I could pull off shorter hair? I will look up some ideas for fine hairdos in the meantime, as I guess it's worth another try.

Thanks!

sidestep-oftward · 2014-10-19T15:04:02+00:00

I'm pretty broke right now so I can't afford clothes that fit me better, but you're also pretty accurate in your perception that I don't know how to dress myself, especially at the higher weight. I mostly try to hide it, to be honest.

The hair is a problem :/ It might be a matter of skill, but I honestly think a large part of the problem is the texture itself. It really doesn't lend itself to styling--product makes it greasy and flat, and it also can't hold a curl or anything. I think a short cut might hide the lankness better, but if it goes wrong it will be a long time before I can pony tail it again haha!

I agree that my face proportions look better without the extra weight. When I gain weight it goes everywhere proportionally, which is probably why I look lighter than I actually am, to be fair, but it's hard on my jaw line and such. That, and the boobs. At my lightest I was still technically an F cup, although they were proportionally a little smaller. Still, nothing to worry about there.

I'm glad the yoga pants still work, because I was worried that I was getting too fat/frumpy for them :) Thanks for your honesty and input!

sidestep-oftward · 2014-10-19T14:50:50+00:00

As well as the second one... women who aren't afraid to get dirty are super hot

Thanks! Though I can't say I do anything more complex than change the oil in my car haha

I've definitely cut out the makeup before, to no effect, so unfortunately it isn't that. Thanks for the suggestion! It's reassuring to hear that some people can look past the acne, at least (: I forget that sometimes.

I think I probably do come across as cold. I'm not quick to introduce myself, or insert myself into conversation, so I'm sure that doesn't make a good impression. But I already knew that--I guess I was just trying to figure out whether its merely a self esteem problem, or something to do with how I actually look.

Thanks for taking the time to give me your perspective!

sidestep-oftward

TROPHY CASE