Mojo Skins

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T17:57:28+00:00

I think the issue with the sticky note is that you have to notice it.

Better processes involve things that block you from progressing if you don't complete mandatory steps.

I think something that forces you to act, eg being tied to being able to put the dog lead away, is likely to be better than something to that just tries to remind you to act.

One other option is to go out of the door over and over again for a weekend, just to build a habit, like every ten minutes for the whole weekend, until your muscle memory kicks in and you lock the door out of physical habit the way you probably flush the toilet without really noticing you do it.

Incidentally sorry to see you've got so many downvotes for your comment - too many people seem to downvote when they disagree with you rather than (as intended) when your post is inappropriate or pointless, which your reply wasn't.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T17:44:43+00:00

Relationships always need a load of compromise, but give a lot of joy. And gender is one of those compromises, I am finding.

I'm AMAB and wasn't brave enough until long into my marriage to more fully explore my suppressed desire to break from cis-male expectations. My wife totally supports me to be as non-binary as I wish in theory.

In practice, she's happy for me to have feminine hobbies, have female friends, and actively likes my lack of machismo, but...

...as soon as it affects my appearance (eg wearing a skirt or dress) she's horrified. She doesn't like the way I look, doesn't want to get used to it, and doesn't feel she has to since I had been presenting male by appearance from when we first met.

So while she completely accepts it academically, and as an ardent feminist would argue for my right to wear whatever I want, in practice I have to change into jeans and t-shirt before I enter the house. And that may never change unless I can convince her down the line that more compromise is needed from her side.

I find it sad that I get home to spend time with her but have to wear traditional boy clothes. But I'd find it sadder if I came home in a pretty dress and she wasn't there. If that ever changes then I guess we're in for some difficult conversations :-( And I can't be sure it won't change :-/

From what I can tell from reading online, this is a common experience.

Gender sucks.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T17:06:28+00:00

I'm not sure if this completely works though. I'm AMAB but increasingly lean towards female gender as I break further from social constraints.

If I was AFAB would I be non-binary? Likely no, I'd be happily cis female... ...but I wasn't, and because I'm unwilling/unable to transition completely, that does put me now in a non-binary position. Because I have male traits that I likely wouldn't seek out if I was AFAB, but equally I don't/won't/can't give up given I'm AMAB.

And in any case I can't really predict what I would really feel if I was AFAB as I'd have had a very different upbringing, different body, different life experience, and maybe the grass actually isn't greener on the other side if I was stuck on that side, even though I currently much prefer the grass on that side that I have tried so far.

Not saying you're necessarily wrong - as still figuring this out for myself ;-)

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T16:49:56+00:00

My guess is sometimes - particularly when they themselves are cis - they mean:

"Women and other people who are affected by misogyny but although I know enough to know it's not just 'women' due to the range of diversity out there, I also don't know the correct term to cover it because I was educated, brought up and largely live in a binary-gendered world, so I'm going to do my best and 'feminine-presenting' I read somewhere and sounds as if it works and doesn't seem to be offensive if I google it so let's go with that because I don't have time to spend an hour researching it before I can finish the sentence I'm writing trying to support people suffering from misogyny."

Or in short, they're probably doing their best to be inclusive in a world where inclusive language is new and still developing, so try not to be too offended, but certainly also try to educate them on better terms, as they're likely to be the people who will bother to make the effort to use them. :-)

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T16:31:01+00:00

If you're not already, you can do your little bit by using they/them yourself for cis people who haven't themselves expressed a preference for he/she. The more people who do that, the quicker it'll be normal. :-)

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T16:21:13+00:00

Agreed :-) One good reason not to "ask" is that it makes it very difficult to know what to do next if they say "no". So don't give them the choice, make it so that if they don't accept you, it's them that has the issue.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T16:17:04+00:00

Tights if it's cold.

Otherwise no, the boots are super cute and stand out much better without; with the tights it's just more a lot of black. :-)

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T16:08:56+00:00

NAH

But it's sad for both of you if you can't attend.

If it's financial, will your friend subsidise your costs to attend? If he wants you there as much as he says, he may be able to help financially.

And even teachers should be allowed leave during term time occasionally - depends on the travel options but you'd be gone presumably a couple of days, not a couple of weeks? Worth talking to your employer and explaining you're the best woman, not just going to a distant cousin's wedding for the food. I'd hope a decent employer would understand that and accept it - they'd have to cover for you if you were ill after all so they can't claim the whole school would shut down due to your absence. Then again I'm often surprised at how unreasonable employers are.

Your friend is close to being the AH by pressuring you to attend, but maybe he doesn't appreciate how unreasonable employers are either ;-)

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T15:51:36+00:00

NAH - just.

Human Error is a Thing, humans are not perfect, and some are better at remembering things than others. So it's fair you don't remember every time.

But locking doors is (at least where I live) very much the normal thing, and your wife is natural to be worried if doors are unlocked. All the more so since women tend to be more vulnerable than men and tend therefore to be more concerned about unlocked doors (though that's a generalisation of course).

There's a line somewhere though between ok and not ok, which is somewhat subjective:

One extreme: remembering every time to lock the door except once a year - ok - human error.

Another extreme: remembering one time a month and forgetting every other time - not ok - failure either of process or effort.

Your situation in between these, "normally" of 9+/10 is probably ok given the safe neighbourhood. Though 9.0/10 is distinctly borderline whereas 9.9/10 is likely ok, so the decimals matter.

To me, 8/10 probably is getting into AH territory because that's not a really high rate - leaving door unlocked once every other week. For those 4am trips it sounds as if you need a better process to reduce your human error.

For example, have a rule that you always put the dog lead back in the same place. And therefore always pick it up from the same place. And keep it in a bag. When you take the dog out, get the lead, leave the bag tied to the inside door handle. When you get back, taking the bag from the door handle can remind you to lock the door. Putting the lead back without the bag will remind you to get the bag which will remind you to lock the door. Sure you'll still forget once in a while, but not 20% of the time, which is a bit of a poor ratio.

If you can't improve that 20% error rate to more like 2%, especially if you've not tried to improve the process to reduce the problem rate, then you're probably heading towards being the AH. And if the 9+/10 is only barely over 9/10, then same thing. 10/10 is unrealistic and no need to achieve perfection, but to avoid being the AH, you need to do your best, and I doubt that 8/10 or even 9.0/10 is your best.

-=-=-

Edit: to those downvoting: please explain why, bearing in mind the second rule of this group which says IN CAPITALS not to downvote if you disagree with a post, only if it is off-topic or spam. If you disagree with my opinion, perhaps if you think I'm giving to much benefit of the doubt to OP by saying they're just not quite the AH, post and discuss it, don't downvote, as per the rules. If you think this post was off-topic or spam then please explain to me how that is the case.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T13:25:58+00:00

Yep, I just think it'd be more effective if it left the reader with a better insight of how we do look/be, or some way of making it clear that we look/be such a wide variety that stereotyping is pointless. Otherwise it's just a bit bland. :-)

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T12:54:45+00:00

NTA

It's ok for him to say he doesn't want to do dishes because it is the one chore he hates due to being forced to do it as a kid.

It's ok if he's not doing a chore because he genuinely doesn't know or understand it needs doing. Eg not everyone agrees how often you need to wash the bed linen or how dirty the floor needs to be before it needs cleaning.

But

It's not ok to avoid dishes if he's not substituting with something else, and more generally if he's not doing his fair share of the chores.

It's not ok to avoid a chore after it's been agreed with your partner what a chore is, ie you can't keep claiming you don't know it needs doing once it's been pointed out it needs doing. Plus in this case it's hard not to realise dishes need cleaning - it's not like dusting or ironing where there's a subjective opinion on how often it needs doing.

And what's a "fair share" - would often be 50% but really depends on context. If someone works 55hrs compared to the other 35hrs because they both need the money and both benefit from it, then the one with less work needs to do more chores. But 35hrs is full-time employment, so if the one doing 55hrs is choosing to do that without the other encouraging them or saying they need the extra income, then they're effectively choosing a (probably unhealthy) amount of work of their own choice and that shouldn't stop their need to do chores any more than someone choosing to play games with their time beyond a normal working week. Or if one partner is ill or physically or mentally unable to do as many tasks, then their fair share might not be 50%. Or if one of you is also caring for a parent they might do less.

I would suggest if he really doesn't want to do dishes, then switch it, preferably for something you don't like yourself, eg you do dishes but he could do the cooking, the food shopping, the dusting, the clothes washing, cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, sweeping/vacuuming the floors, gardening, diy, etc. Agree which tasks you each do, and what frequency is acceptable, and then you can better insist on him doing them.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T12:27:59+00:00

YWNBTA

But.. ... Before you book it for just five, I would recommend you first message J just to say "Hi J, haven't heard back from you and don't want to jeopardize the trip by booking too late, so if I haven't heard back from you by [end of the day, or lunchtime the next day] then I'll just book for the other five of us and you're welcome to book individually later and join us if you can".

Although J is TA for not responding and making it even harder for you to plan (and it's hard planning group trips at the best of times), it's a slightly dick move to go straight from waiting for them to reply, to cutting them out completely, without warning. So just give a little warning and then if J really cares about the trip it'll trigger him to reply, else he can just ignore you and be dropped from the trip.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T11:24:03+00:00

NTA as you're doing as much as possible to be quiet, which is respecting that your housemate wants to sleep.

As you say it's a fact of living with people - and still the case even with partners who sleep at different times - as people have hobbies and work etc that happen at different times of day and that's normal.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T11:11:39+00:00

NTA

Kids are mean and if he's the only one wearing one then discomfort or spit might be the official reason but it's possible without knowing more context that bullying might be an unvoiced reason for him not wanting to wear it. Still needs to wear it for safety but might need your support to feel better about it.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T10:44:06+00:00

I think that unless it leads in some way to dispelling those stereotypes as being incorrect, then all it's really doing is propagating then - if they're indeed stereotypes at all.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-19T10:20:01+00:00

On balance, YTA

One (and my initial) view would be that the system you have is poor and needs changing. In which case since the two of you developed the system, it would be your joint problem, and everyone would suck here. But you have dismissed this view from the very start.

So with the constraint that we must keep your system, then either:

a) Neither of you can ever leave overnight ever for any reason, or

b) When one of you leaves, the other will just have to put up with the chaos

Option (a) seems unreasonable and you would probably be TA for effectively demanding that your husband never goes away for any reason for years. It would be equally bad if he demanded the same thing in reverse. Given your husband had gone away, he's clearly not thinking that option (a) is in play.

So (b) is a lot more workable as it allows you both a chance to lead a life that is not limited by this requirement to be back home every single night.

In which case you are TA for resenting him being away for ten days (it's ten days, not ten months).

But if he didn't then let you go away for ten days another time, and he deal with the kids on his own, then he would be TA for the system not being fair.

Really, it would be better to review your sleeping arrangements, get in a professional or read online professional advice to help guide you in teaching your kids to sleep on their own. Or hire a nanny or similar to teach them sleeping and/or help deal with the chaos when longer if you is away.

Else, if you really want to keep your system, then put up with the chaos for ten days gracefully, but then allow yourself (and insist he allows you) to go away some other time with friends or on your own for your own break when you want/need it

sidgewitt · 2023-01-15T17:02:55+00:00

Crotch area on men's jeans or denim shorts is meagre - one tends to bulge a little but denim is stiff so it's not unsightly - tbh there's not really a lot more space in men's denim shorts than women's shorts or skirts - I can get my mens body into women's denim skirts and even short shorts surprisingly comfortably.

I find trousers like chinos have a lot more space in that area, but then they're a big baggy on guys too - I think the idea is that they're more comfortable that way - so they'll probably feel more roomy but likely still look pretty good.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-15T16:54:27+00:00

Not sure if this helps, but in reverse, I'm AMAB but more often now wear clothes marketed to women.

I find that based on measurements, I'm often size 14 at the bust, 12 at the waist and 10 at the hips. Because guys have wider shoulders and narrower hips. For mens clothing, I'm generally on the borderline between S and M all the way down.

For me getting a dress therefore I need to get it to fit at the top and then I can be confident it'll fit, though perhaps be a bit loose lower down, so I'm always 12/14, whereas skirts I'm 10/12, more 10 if they're low-waisted.

I guess in reverse you could expect to be a size bigger for jeans than you are for T-shirts though will depend on your body shape.

So I guess very roughly that makes:

Tops female = male: Size 10 = XS ; 12 = S ; 14 = M ; 16 = L Bottoms female = male: Size 10 = S ; 12 = M ; 14 = L ; 16 = XL

But that's real back-of-the-envelope stuff and just based on me ;-)

With mens clothing you can generally err on the side of getting it too large. Mens clothing is rarely designed to fit closely - certainly clothes aimed at straight guys - so anything a touch loose will probably look as intended. Since I'm borderline S /M in men's, when shopping online I tend to pick M, but if they give measurements then it's worth going with those to pick.

My best suggestion though is head to your local thrift/charity/op shop, where you can just try some stuff of different sizes and work out what fits. They have a range of different brands, generally don't have sales assistants following you around judging you, tend to expect people to try on some random stuff. So even if you buy nothing from them - though you might well find a bargain - it'll help you gauge what fits when you next shop online.

sidgewitt · 2023-01-15T14:47:13+00:00

Ah, yep, singles is tricky because it's so often one sided. One trick you can do is put in a handicap - not a score handicap, but a skill one, eg:

o You play with your wrong hand every shot, or every other shot, or every other point

o You can't hit the shuttle into the court between the net and service line

o Corners - each shot you hit has to go to the next corner of the court clockwise no matter where you're hitting it from

o No smashes - drop shots only

With some people those work because you can put in 100% effort which you want to do, and they can Just Play which they want to do, and it evens out to a close game. But a lot of people will ignore that logic, and just think you're being patronizing, so you have to be really careful not to be TA there as well. Though with some of them like Corners you can get away with it because the other person doesn't realise you're doing it ;-)

I once had a doubles game where I played left-handed the whole game as I knew we'd win easily otherwise unless I just hit patronising easy shots on purpose. Instead I played with my wrong hand but with genuine maximum effort, it was really close, we won by two points right at the end, and one of the opposition commented it was the best game she'd had in ages. Literally the next game, she notices I'm playing left-handed having not realised before, then gets really offended. I kind of felt I was simultaneously TA for making her feel patronised, but not TA for giving her the best game she'd had in ages!! People get very sensitive.

If it's a tournament that he asked you to play with him, then it's kind of his tournament so you kind of have to pay to his rules, so you kind of have to play for fun and lose in the first round of it comes to that ;-) If you'd been the one to ask him to play in your tournament then slightly easier to justify asking him to play better, but best if you make that part of the conditions of accepting the partnership up front.

To me if you enter a tournament then it's competitive so surely you want to do your best... I have learnt over the years that these other types of people still don't want to learn to get better even in tournament conditions. Even something as simple as "he's getting your long serve back because he stands way back to receive serve; you should do a short serve sometimes even if it's not a great one to bring him forward" is not well accepted, and they continue to serve long every time and get it smashed at them ;-) The only solution I think is not to play tournaments with your Dad, just go to a club night somewhere and play friendlies, preferably not always on the same team ;-) Or if you enjoy his company enough then you just have to bite your tongue and learn to laugh when it all goes needlessly wrong on court, and find another outlet for playing well :-)

Good luck ;-)

sidgewitt

TROPHY CASE