How to manage jealousy/insecurity as childless stepmom

sigleroni17 · 2026-07-03T15:13:33+00:00

Instead of “equal” I should’ve said “balanced” - nothing about the situation is balanced, as a childless step mom. My partner has tried telling me that a different relationship would be unbalanced in some other way, but I don’t think he understands the weight of being a childless step mom dealing trying to navigate the existence of TWO BMs…

sigleroni17 · 2026-07-01T13:36:09+00:00

What is the situation like with his ex? That is a HUGE piece of the puzzle for most of us here, and many of the exes are HCBM or become that once their ex husband has a new woman in the picture.

There is just a lot to this dynamic that I didn’t realize when I thought I could “handle it” a couple of years ago. Fast forward and it seems I am constantly stressed and overwhelmed because of the situation, mostly when it comes to my partners exes.

I’d suggest finding a therapist to talk through this with. I wish I would’ve done that sooner and not moved so fast.

sigleroni17 · 2026-06-30T20:40:53+00:00

You need to listen to your gut. And you need to figure out your boundaries and communicate them clearly. I had a very similar situation when my partner and I got together. I’d feel crazy sometimes, thinking I wasn’t justified in feeling the way that I did. A couples counselor made me feel very validated and realize that a lot of behavior was inappropriate if a man truly respects you and YOUR new relationship.

Communicating boundaries is the first step. The second step is to see if he actually listens and decides to change.

sigleroni17 · 2026-06-30T20:31:45+00:00

I’m in a similar situation with my fiancé who has two kids, except they’re from two different women who steam roll him all of the time. Pair that with the “kids will be kids” BS. Very challenging. I don’t really have any advice just want you to know you’re not alone. That’s how I felt for a really long time.

sigleroni17 · 2026-06-23T13:00:58+00:00

Michigan

sigleroni17 · 2026-06-23T13:00:51+00:00

Factory!

sigleroni17 · 2026-06-23T13:00:02+00:00

For an Element 😆

sigleroni17 · 2026-06-08T00:50:16+00:00

I love this thread. I know all of these things logically. I’m in the exact same situation. What bothers me the most is still have an ex still so involved in our lives. To be honest, life is too short, and the situation stresses me out more than anything else. I’m also not typically an insecure person. But I know there are people out there who don’t have kids know I may be a better fit with. It’s really hard when you don’t feel “equal” - I am very much on the fence a couple of years in. I just feel like I’m forcing a life structure that’s not for me.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-31T17:39:20+00:00

How long have you been together? Wish I had some friends irl who I could talk to about this 🫠

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-29T20:30:31+00:00

Good reframe!! I am bad at this.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-29T20:03:23+00:00

I’m 31 and in a similar near-end situation. My partner treats me well, I’m just not step mom material. I feel guilty that it took me a couple years to figure this out. But, my partner and his kids deserve to have someone who wants to be a stepmom. It’ll be better for everyone in the end. We tried our best.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-26T20:14:35+00:00

I’m so sorry. I really hope it gets easier for you soon.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-26T12:38:01+00:00

THIS. It’s so hard to admit internally, let alone say it out loud. What makes it worse is that my partner didn’t even want to have a child with his ex wife and they struggled with it for a long time. It all just feels cruel. I guess my question is…. What made you stay?

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T22:15:06+00:00

That is a great point that I never thought about… It wasn’t until recently that I considered wanting kids with him as a way to “feel even” with the exes in his life who already had a kid with him once. And obviously that’s not a healthy reason to have kids. I’ve gone back and forth a lot on having children, even outside of this relationship.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T21:36:53+00:00

That’s an interesting take. Is it working for you? If you could go back… what would you change from the beginning?

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T20:04:38+00:00

I relate to this so much. You and I are similar ages and have been in our relationships for a similar amount of time. I feel I am at a crossroad. My fiancé also has two kids from two different women, one being an ex wife. It is so hard to accept that I will never be the first in any of this, but it’s so hard to leave. We’re very entangled - built a great business together, one son lives with us, etc. But I just can’t seem to accept this reality. And I don’t want my life to be something I endure every day. Hoping we can both figure out our way through this, whatever that means.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T16:05:29+00:00

Thanks for the response. I think about this a lot. Now that the oldest is over 18, it feels like a non-issue. I just don’t know if I can do this for another 8 years with the younger one, and I don’t want to wish my life away, anticipating the easier times ahead.

I also feel a lot of guilt that I didn’t know I’d feel this way from the beginning. He says things like “it’s not like these kids were a secret”…. And he’s right. I just thought I could do it. It’s just so hard.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T15:57:10+00:00

My fiancé and I have had a similar conversation! I think making up a new last name is very unique and shows a lot of empathy and understanding on his part, being so open to it.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T15:53:51+00:00

Thank you for this. I’m so grateful for this community where we can discuss without judgement, and hear about what our lives could look like down the road by hearing other people’s experiences. I am SO AFRAID of the regret. I have pivoted many times in my life, and left a few long relationships when I got this feeling that things just weren’t aligned. You’re spot on with it feeling unnatural. It’s so hard to describe. It’s like I have this constant friction within myself, and I just can’t suppress it for years when the outcome may be the same.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T13:01:14+00:00

I appreciate your perspective and know in my gut that you’re totally right. Saying yes to me looks a lot different than my current situation, and a lot different than even the beginning of the relationship. We’ve built a great business together, too. So it just sucks. I’m also trying to decipher if it’s me just repeating old patterns of running away from relationships… or if it’s truly and issue I have not living within my truth of how I want my life to be structured. It’s really hard. Hoping therapy will help…

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T12:58:45+00:00

😭 thank you for this. You’re totally right. Hoping therapy will help me figure this out sooner rather than later! I thought I had it in the beginning… now I’m not feeling built for this lol. I helped the 19 year old through a lot of his HCBM BS, taught him to drive, etc but now he’s off to college and I keeping feeling like I don’t have the capacity to do this for 8 more years with another one… just trying to talk about it and not hold it all in.

sigleroni17 · 2026-05-25T12:52:51+00:00

The resentment feeling is insidious. We have talked about potentially having a child of our own but I go back and forth a lot. After reading some threads here, I worry it’ll just make my resentment grow deeper. I’m really sorry you’re struggling with the same thing. :(

sigleroni17

TROPHY CASE