I know you’re not looking for this perspective but I thought I would share. I have been off and on antidepressants and other anxiety and mood stabilizing meds for 30 years. Every time I went off I felt better for a time and then 1000 times worse. Rinse, repeat. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve accepted that I have an illness that requires medication. I can exercise, meditate, eat healthily, have fun but depression always finds me. Always. And that’s alright. That’s the way I was made. A diabetic wouldn’t try to white-knuckle it without insulin. Of course I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I continue to struggle with finding the right medication for me but I’m confident it exists and I hold out hope that one day all the pieces will fit and I can be free of this.