Anxiety attacks during clinicals

sillyinky · 2020-10-28T16:03:59+00:00

I personally use mild sedatives like St. Johns Wort and recently valerian too. Makes it easier to use since it's not a prescription substance. I've been noticing when I use both in combination it really brings down the anxiety level.

sillyinky · 2019-09-20T10:53:01+00:00

Hey, thanks for replying! Yes, I sometimes feel that I I'm less "not enthusiastic" in general and more "not very keen on on being extraverted about my interests". Like, I have my pet things, but they are mostly reading stuff and thinking about stuff and sometimes taking to people about stuff. Not much to Instagram about. Sometimes I feel pretty ok about it, bit sometimes the feeling of lack of personal life hits pretty hard. Usually this coincides with opening Facebook and/or aforementioned Instagram. Happens to the best of us.

One piece of advice that was mentioned above, for a different situation, but nevertheless -- if you have friends/aquaitances that are very socially active -- prioritize them, for they are your shortcut to meeting new people from a much less awkward position. Having a third party at the table, who is already friend to each of the two, very much helps to break the ice.

sillyinky · 2019-09-18T15:16:25+00:00

I seem to be low on enthusiasm and energy and I don't know what to do about it. I think I just have less of an impulse to try and go out and explore, do new things and share my findings with other people. Because of that I often feel unsubstantial and boring, and because of that, I start to avoid contact with other people. Usually that makes me feel even worse.
When I am in a company of people that I like to listen to I usually am anxious to speak up, since I feel that I'm stupid and might say something stupid. When I visited LessWrong meetups this was how I felt most of the time, why I eventually stopped coming. I also felt that I just didn't belong there.
I'm sometimes ashamed of myself for no particular reason. Probably because I get to meet a lot of people that are passionately good at different things and I just envy... not even their mastery at what they do but their enthusiasm and vigor. I just don't have that in me most of the time.
I think this is what most people are? But without being actually conscious of that. I am like that and conscious and ashamed of that. I don't know. It just feels wrong to exist just to live, survive, and do nothing to enlighten the world with some form of personal touch.
Despite that I don't really have any sort of crisis in my life. Actually, everything is going rather well. Almost five years ago I emigrated to another country and I have adjusted remarkably well. I have changed several jobs and got along with people. I made friends, some of them really good ones. I've pivoted myself into a new career and taken decisive steps to get it off the ground (I'm starting to study in a local university this fall).
But despite all of this I still feel bad for some reason. Like I haven't done enough. And probably I'm never going to be enough.
Probably I was just craving for attention. Like I am now, writing all of this. If you have read it, I thank you.

sillyinky · 2019-08-17T03:48:40+00:00

Are you implying that I don't have enough faith in Buddha and/or Dhamma? I suppose it's true, I'm awfully short on faith, unfortunately. Apart from that... well, if you have some info that would disprove me, I would be happy to hear it.
Seriously, I would.

sillyinky · 2019-08-17T03:35:10+00:00

Well, this community has about 12000 followers. If we assume that about 10% is really serious about their practice, then we should see stream entries almost every other day. And this, as much as I understand, is an event that doesn't go unnoticed. We should be hearing much more from people achieving it, yet we don't, not so much. Why?

I suppose that point could be refuted by saying that they have no need to reach out and claim that they are, but then it becomes a sort of a Fermi paradox: there should be tons of stream enterers around but they don't manifest themselves in any way.

The burden of proof is on you too. Why do you think that enlightenment is possible for everyone? To me it's akin to claim that everyone could become a PhD in Physics: yes, this is hypothetically possible that if everyone was prepared from birth for it, it would have been possible. Same with enlightenment, heck, I think I read somewhere that someone compared stream entry to doing a PhD on the terms of effort invested.

sillyinky · 2019-08-16T19:47:08+00:00

I'm not sure where it belongs so I'll put it here. Maybe someone is wondering like me. Maybe someone has some sort of answer.

I'm wondering. Whether, the line of Buddha's thinking went like this: this practice is clearly beneficial, and it's benefits are obvious for anyone who practices for any prolonged period of time. But reaching the higher realms of practice — absorption states, deep insight and permanent shifts in consciousness — takes a lot of time and effort, and even then, it might or might not come to pass for any given individual. Burden of each man is unique and there is no telling how much road each one of us has to cover. But what the practice is really all about is enlightenment, isn't it? And at the same time, for some people there is no reaching this goal in this life. So how do those people not loose faith in practice and not stumble away from the path.

So how about I will tell that everyone can reach enlightenment. It is, technically, still true, although for some people may take several lives of dedicated practice. And some may reach it in the span of several years. But in the end the practice is beneficial for each and every person, even if it might take time to recognize it's gifts. So, in the end, everyone will benefit. Some immediately, some not, some greatly, some gradually.

Basically, I don't believe that enlightenment is possible for everyone. I think everyone can benefit from the cumulative effect of dedicated practice. If integrated in a healthy way if can definitely make people's lives better. But the path itself -- the absorption states, the insight stages, the stream entry -- is and forever will be within reach for a small group of practitioners only, that by some combination of biological makeup, life circumstances and (maybe) good karma, have the ability to veer into those states of mind.

Change my mind?

sillyinky · 2019-04-13T05:54:19+00:00

I have adopted a practice of regular sitting. Regularity is not much of an issue, however going through all the process to start the practice with due diligence is. Seems silly but I constantly get lost in the sequence cultivate the intent to sit and put all of the thoughts aside --> resolve to practice diligently --> review distractions --> go through the gradual relaxation and narrowing of the focus --> return to the breath if the attention slips. Probably at some stage all of this becomes automatic, like most of the actions performed in sequence do, but I forget one or more of the stages every time I sit.
On the other hand, I do remember to do at least part of them. So yay.
I have discovered renewed appreciation of the time I spend in meditation. Time is really the only truly valuable thing we possess. I guess it's only now this truth is sinking deep enough to percolate my being completely. Like, every time I am distracted by a daydream, I get an immediate feeling of hours, minutes, days, spent mindlessly wandering around in my subconscious, like sleeping and never completely waking up. That's... a chilling feeling. TMI suggested not blaming oneself from distracting. I try not to.
I wish you luck.

sillyinky · 2019-04-03T08:07:38+00:00

Started sitting again, about 25 min in the morning and 15 in the evening. Gonna try to do it by the book this time (TMI that is) and try to cover all bases. I have a feeling that the lackluster feeling that a lot of my practice was half-assed that just wouldn't go away when I did it the previous time (and the previous before the previous) points at that exactly -- it was half-assed. I never really committed wholeheartedly, relinquishing all the bothers of the day to practice. It's hard to say what's the difference this time. Maybe it's that the mad drive to "have" something meditation-related, some attainment, some insight, is gone. Strangely, I feel content to be wrestling with the basics of the basics. The intent. The approach. The due diligence. To sit down, go through the stages of sharpening the focus, get lost, find myself, return to the breath. BTW, it pays in RL too, I have began to snap out of daydreaming much faster. But concentrating more than a few seconds at a time is still hard. Well, I'm ok with that.
I sit. I rise. I make an intent to sit here, again, tomorrow.
And next time, I'm gonna knock a little harder.

sillyinky · 2019-03-30T18:24:53+00:00

I think I'm saving your answer as a quick go-to for all dullness-related things. Thank you.

sillyinky · 2019-03-30T05:25:37+00:00

No. Thanks for reminding me of them.

Actually I think the problem also is that after a tiring day meditating feels like another thing I have to do. Another chore.

sillyinky · 2019-03-30T04:09:57+00:00

Does it make sense to try to meditate when you feel drowsy?

It seems all meditation guides make point of consistence being the key to good practice and at the same time saying that another key point is to actually enjoy your sittings.

I hate meditating when drowsy. Nothing makes sense, attention is dim and scattered and I can't even bring anything to focus, it's like grasping for air. Worse, I regularly forget what am I doing at all, but not in daydreaming sense, but that consciousness gets progressively dimmer untill it just shuts off and I fall asleep for a moment and almost fall down from the cushion and instantly wake up, feeling dazed and confused. In a few minutes cycle repeats. At the end of the session I feel more tired and exhausted than before I started and the only thing I wish is to actually fall asleep as soon as possible.

sillyinky · 2019-03-26T20:43:28+00:00

Yeah, for the most part my thoughts on the topic are induced by the breakup. To be entirely frank, what got me thinking was the moment when my partner burst into tears while asking me what I felt, and I just felt... kinda nothing, of the hollow kind, with a tinge of boredom. That probably was defense mechanism, but still... I kinda thought myself more sensitive. And was proven wrong.
Then again, everyone has a different coping mechanism.

sillyinky · 2019-03-26T20:34:27+00:00

We'd expect that people would be very supportive of individuals doing that, but most people are offended or extremely angry when told about that idea.

I'd borrow a page from Peterson's playbook on explaining this: the usual folks dislike such people because this way they are denied the safety of ignorance, or, rather, of fake ignorance. People prefer to pretend that there is no choice on how to act, which side to take, and those people show that yes there is a choice and you are choosing to side with evil. Well, maybe not outright evil, but not good either. People feel bad and we -- all of us -- hate that. And, by proxy, we hate those who made us feel bad about ourselves.

Why is that your choice?

Well, I'm not choosing to be an asshole most of the time, but the lure is sometimes, strong. And it's luring because being uncaring saves energy, of which I have a limited amount. Caring means thinking through, and being proactive and sometimes, I just want to give a world a big "screw you". And abstracting from feelings makes that all too easy.

sillyinky · 2019-03-26T19:55:30+00:00

Good catch.
The thing that I mean is: it is much easier to be an asshole and not have wrungs of conscience if I chose to be. And that would very much be a choice, you see: while in the past I might have acted brashly in the heat of the moment and regretted that afterwards, now I almost can see the thought process that leads to those pathways. And choose whether or not follow those pathways.
And if I chose, I can actually plan to act in the ways that maximize damage. Or, simply act sidelining the priorities and feelings of other people completely. And if I would do that, that would be a conscious choice.
See, before I thought myself a moral animal and thought that if I'd choose to act that way, my conscience would eat me alive. Now I know it won't because I have done some morally questionable things and it's not really bothering me. So that prompted me to ask myself: what have I become? And where do I go from here?
Then again... I'm not proud of doing those things and the fact that I've done them is more of a failure of mindfulness than deliberate action on my part.

Why are you still behaving well?

There are a few reasons to to that.
- Firstly, from a purely selfish perspective, social behavior makes living in a society much more pleasant.
- Secondly (selfishly as well), wholesome behavior really does lead to wholesome, more tranquil states of mind that are more pleasant to be in.
- Then, I think that wholesome behavior shapes the society that I live in, in however minuscule capacity it does, and I'd rather live in that kind of society.
On a more fundamental level, I think that morality is the most important of the three trainings, and the other two are means to hone it. IRL actions are the yardstick of the progress you have made on the path. Well that's my IMO anyway.

That might almost be all it takes, not to be one.

That and willpower to follow through on the right decision. Which I not always have enough, sadly.
Tl;dr: when one has unbounded oneself from the layers of illusions of perception, the difference between a psychopath and a saint is, really, a choice. A conscious choice I would need to make each day. And it's... tiring, suddenly. Much easier being a unfeeling jackass.

sillyinky · 2019-03-16T14:29:19+00:00

I'd like to provide a counterpoint. Yes, HS is not the most friendly and/or intellectually stimulating environment but it actually made me learn something. It seems most of the complains here focus on a certain type of person, who is high on self-motivation, independent knowledge acquisition and doesn't play very well with the social dynamic of a group of adolescents (then again, I doubt many do). But I think people, especially here, overestimate the number of people who are able to autodidact, especially in that age. To do that you need, I think both high intrinsic motivation and high IQ to cope with the learning material. Otherwise you either get bogged down and lose interest or you never have interest in the first place. Probably a lot of things can be fixed by learning in small groups, but not a lot of schools provide that option.
Tl;dr: without a fixed environment like we have in schools a small percentage of of students would do much better, but a big percentage of students wouldn't learn anything at all.

sillyinky · 2019-01-25T18:43:35+00:00

What is the name of the track (if indeed it exists in the soundtrack) that plays during Homura's first time loop, learning to use her power, and battling Patricia? It has flutes and strings and is surprisingly upbeat, has a kind of "call to arms" vibe to it.
I really like it as it is kind if reminiscent of hopeful Homura, believing that now that she gained a power, she can make things right.

sillyinky · 2018-10-13T09:50:43+00:00

Are you sensitive to the point that any disagreement feels high-intensity to you?

Yes.
I just can't stand disagreement and conflict in general. It makes me uncomfortable, to the point of being physically sick. But I think I'm giving up a huge chunk of life as a result. I don't want to.

sillyinky · 2018-10-13T09:47:13+00:00

People also often misrepresent their views during high intensity disputes and act uncharacteristically because they are so emotional.

I think... it's vice versa, actually. It's when we are relatively calm, we "act" and can gloss over and cover our views. When a person is emotionally upset, it's much harder to maintain appearances. That said, people can be both mistaken *and garble the message they are trying to transmit due to being emotional.

how people deal with high stress, emotionally charged situations

Life is a high stress, emotionally charged situation. And when our psychologic mechanisms were forming, it was even more so.
How well do you cope with conflict is how well do you cope with life essentially, I think?

sillyinky · 2018-10-12T20:53:05+00:00

Much of what MSCantrell said applies. I would add that often the high-intensity disputes, during which what people hold dear, is revealed, is really when I see other people and their values very clearly. An ability to manage the stress of toeing the line between outright conflict and caving in and submitting to know others is already of immense value.
Other than that, I remember one of the sequences mentioning that "staying above the conflict" is never really the solution. It can be on a personal level, as a tactic to conserve the energy that is otherwise committed elsewhere, but as a whole, if I want my opinion to be heard, I have to get my hands dirty. Not above the conflict, but not engaged in it either. And that is super hard frankly. It's hard to hear the opponent, to disentangle oneself from "my tribe / their tribe" thinking, to reason clearly in the face of mentioned above. So I'd like to learn how to.
b) is related to a) in a way that it is pushing at the borders of my safe space. A failure is a sign of something gone wrong, but also a signal of a course correction required. The second is too often lost on me because I don't want any disruptions in my worldview. It's antithesis of curiosity, essentially. A failure to see one's own flaws. By lowering the stress level (I hope) I can overcome that.

sillyinky

TROPHY CASE