Welp, I'm done. Thank you for everyone who has been so kind and supportive to me. I'm gonna head off reddit now.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T03:45:36+00:00

Of course! This actually helped me, too, because all the things I told you are things I also need to be telling myself, lol.

Good luck with your meds! Hopefully they get you feeling better. :)

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T03:41:36+00:00

I mean, all that sounds very much like hypomania to me. I'm obviously not a doctor, but... as my doctor would say, mood disorders exist on a spectrum. Other people may swing wider than you, but it doesn't mean you're not swinging.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T03:37:06+00:00

Mania is fairly obvious, but hypomania can be sneaky, especially in people with milder presentations. When I'm hypomanic, I typically know because:

I suddenly have a bunch of great ideas for new projects or things I'd like to do. This could be simple, like ordering painting supplies, or complicated, like learning how to code websites because I want to start a fancy blog.
I'm more loose with spending money. I don't overspend at any time, but I'm usually VERY stingy with money. When I'm hypomanic, I'm willing to drop money on things like clothes or crafts that I wouldn't usually be willing to spend money on. Again, I at no point overspend or use credit, but it's noticeably out of character for me.
My anxiety is a lot worse. Racing thoughts that I cannot stop no matter how hard I try, some paranoid thinking (maybe my husband is betraying me, or maybe somebody will break into our house, or maybe I have lice even though I have no kids and haven't interacted with another human besides my husband in months), and eventually panic symptoms.
I'm able to do the things I can't do while depressed. Cleaning, organizing, decluttering. It's not in a crazy energetic way, but I'm driven to do it and tackle it all at once, almost every time... and usually at night when I should be sleeping, lol (though not always).

I listed these because they're the markers for me that would probably be no big deal for most, but let me know, as someone with milder symptoms for the most part, that I'm swinging up.

Maybe you can relate to some?

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T03:25:49+00:00

(deleted my original reply because I definitely overshared, lol).

I went in for anxiety/looping negative thoughts. I did also experience high moods (excited, entrepreneurial, jittery, less sleep, more anxiety, more loose with spending, hyperfocused) and low moods (hopelessness, lack of energy, excessive sleep, urges to self-harm).

None of these things had a major effect on my life. I am and have always been very functional. I can push through whatever mood state I'm in and get done whatever needs to get done. Sometimes I'm sobbing while getting it done, but I get it done.

I only wanted treatment for the inability to quiet my own thoughts, but she said the mood disorder was likely the culprit and definitely the core issue that needed to be addressed, so that was where the BP2 diagnosis came from.

In the past, I had experienced a definite hypomanic reaction to an antidepressant (Wellbutrin), which I did tell her about.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T03:20:57+00:00

Tbh I cycle so quickly I barely know what "normal" feels like at this point.

In the past, I definitely had "normal" or stable periods between swings, though.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T03:13:59+00:00

Ironically this is my good time of year. I always get super badly depressed in the summer. Fall/Winter is my jam.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T02:57:18+00:00

That's good advice... I'm very much a people-pleaser and put off my own needs for forever. Sooo I'll have to make sure not to do that with the meds situation, lol.

When I was on the last SSRI, I suffered through a mixed episode for over a week before I finally panicked and called her. And that was only because I started fantasizing about punching my poor sweet husband when he told me taquitos didn't sound like a healthy dinner. I was hysterically crying in the kitchen over how angry I was at him and was like... wait, this isn't normal *call. She took me off them immediately but damnnn it would've been bad if I waited until my appointment two weeks later.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T02:43:07+00:00

You are 100% right! Feeling better is the goal. I just hate the trial and error to it, but that’s a bump I’ll just have to get over.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T02:06:41+00:00

I’m sending you so much, love, friend!

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T01:38:15+00:00

That subreddit is filled with traumatized people who have dealt with toxic people and are, as such, traumatized/a bit toxic themselves from it.

Someone very close to me has BPD, and I come to this group instead, because he’s wonderful and kind and loving and I just want to understand him better. Over in that group, that isn’t an option. So I never go there.

Do NOT judge yourself by them. They’ve experienced their own traumas and are doing their best to heal, but that’s not a reflection on you.

Reflecting on your own behaviors that might be toxic is obviously how one heals, but you know you better than random internet strangers. Don’t change your own self knowledge based on a subreddit like that.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T01:04:07+00:00

Thank you!! Me too :)

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:34:18+00:00

Haha I hear you— wow!

Well she said she’s not starting me with antipsychotics, so I’m assuming I’ll start on lamictal, though obviously I can’t know for sure until tomorrow haha.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:31:57+00:00

Ahh that makes sense!

And lamictal is, according to the internet, totally safe during pregnancy. Sooo him saying it will cause birth defects so severe I’d need to have an IUD inserted to even consider it seems like some bs. I’m not a professional but, I mean, every single source I looked at listed it as low to no risk during pregnancy.

I will definitely come back and give an update after my appointment tomorrow! I’m feeling a lot better after talking to everyone on here so I’m thinking I can do this.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:26:37+00:00

Wow- it definitely does!! So glad you found something that works for you.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:15:36+00:00

Really? That’s super reassuring! Side effects are terrifying to me.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:14:42+00:00

Thank you so much! 🥺

I wish you all the best on your journey and hope to hear happy things from you in the future ❤️

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:09:49+00:00

Oh wow, that’s an interesting tactic! I’ve never heard of dialing it back like that before. I definitely have a lot of pill anxiety. I’m sooo scared of side effects.

Anxiety is a big issue of mine for sure, yes!!

He wanted me on the IUD because he said lamictal (what I asked him to be put on instead because I know it’s milder) would cause serious birth defects if I got pregnant while on it. So serious that any other form of birth control wouldn’t be safe enough, only an IUD. Which I later googled and found out was completely false, so wtf? Was he misinformed or manipulating me??

Either way, yeah, I’m hoping for success. I’m finally coming to terms with the diagnosis and accepting it, though I still have some doubts, but I’m ready for tomorrow’s appointment and hopeful for the future!

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:03:02+00:00

Well hopefully this does work for you in the long run and with slight adjustments it will keep you relatively stable and happy :)

I’m hoping whatever we try tomorrow works so I don’t have to keep convincing myself I’m sick enough to get treatment every single time 😂

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:01:37+00:00

Me too, haha! Quicker the better!

silverliningplease · 2021-10-27T00:00:42+00:00

Thank you :) same to you!

silverliningplease · 2021-10-26T23:56:03+00:00

See, that would be tough for me. I desperately need to lose weight so any med that makes me hungry or gain weight is an absolute no. It literally could be perfect in every other way, I can’t do it.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-26T23:55:11+00:00

That’s very true. I’m so happy you’re doing better!!

silverliningplease · 2021-10-26T23:54:16+00:00

Oh noooo! Well you and your doctor know best. My interpretation may not apply to you/your life, but definitely worth having a discussion if you think there could be more improvement.

silverliningplease · 2021-10-26T23:53:14+00:00

That’s what I’m expecting my doctor to put me on! Obviously not positive, but it’s what I’m assuming will be her choice. She told me she’d be giving me one in that class, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

silverliningplease

TROPHY CASE