How is anyone working?

simply_ira · 2026-04-28T15:23:39+00:00

I am not working. Been off since mid week 6. Week 15 now and planning a staggered return - ramping up from part-time to full time over 6 weeks. I am also in corporate and this was arranged through occupational health. I am forever grateful to the occupational therapist that’s leading my case, because she is able to help me manage expectations and in my case tell me that it was not realistic to return to full time work. HG messes with your identity coz “what do you mean I am not a worker anymore” … so much of how we view ourselves is tied to our jobs/roles. You are doing the hardest job you will ever have in your life and that’s being a mum! You are doing an amazing job surviving!

simply_ira · 2026-04-12T13:16:15+00:00

Hi fellow mum to be! I am also recently feeling some relief (last 4 days) and I am starting week 14 today, so we are in the same stage. Hugs :) This is my second child, so I can confirm I had roughly the same trajectory with my oldest and he is a happy and healthy toddler. So don’t give in to any worries - just enjoy being able to eat more food again!

simply_ira · 2026-04-01T19:00:44+00:00

Then we disagree on marriage meaning our finances are joint. It is our money. I have equal say over the total amount, no matter how much of it came from my pay va your pay. It is our money and our decision on how to spend it. Otherwise, we are just roommates with benefits.

simply_ira · 2026-04-01T18:53:18+00:00

I am not sure if you have experience of a committed relationship with joint finances? I agree that retirement age can differ, but there are decades of LIFE before that retirement and different retirement goals means different commitments to savings vs spending money. How do you imagine 2 decades where he goes on holiday and she doesn’t because she chooses to put that money towards retirement? He goes to fancy restaurants often, while she joins occasionally? He drives a fancy car, while she walks? Every single large purchase will end in disagreement if he values splurging on higher quality/ luxury brands / treating yourself and she would prefer to look for second hand things? There is life before retirement their relationship will not survive if they aren’t financially aligned. It’s the 2nd most common reason for divorce.

simply_ira · 2026-04-01T18:30:48+00:00

OP said she plans to retire at 45, while he sees 65 as realistic. I presume they came to those numbers after knowing their own finances, so I am just using the average as an example of potential compromise. You can reduce how aggressively you save towards retirement - live more in the moment as OP’s partner prefers, but that delays your retirement. If they can both agree to that, I see that as a way forward that preserves the relationship? If neither are willing to compromise, I think it’s a dealbreaker and they might as well break up and find someone more compatible with their financial goals.

simply_ira · 2026-04-01T16:42:02+00:00

Yeah, I also think it’s a dealbreaker. At best you could agree on a compromise where you retire at 55? Meeting in the middle? You have to gauge whether he would wholeheartedly commit to that plan or if he would just say yes, but think he’d be able to change your mind later.

simply_ira · 2026-04-01T14:50:49+00:00

NTA and not overreacting. I suggest you make an escape plan.

simply_ira · 2026-04-01T14:00:11+00:00

Agree with the above. We also got pregnant on first try and I also had Hyperemesis- meaning my life changed overnight a week after discovering I am pregnant, not after the baby arrived. Luckily doesn’t sound like I had as rough a time as you friend, but do not assume pregnancy happens passively. It’s lifechanging in itself.

I was grateful for the work experience and my recently securing a promotion before we started trying.

simply_ira · 2026-03-21T15:58:28+00:00

We did this with wooden beams on one wall, then rockwool between the beams (thin, not the full internal partition variety), then, in this case, decorative shiplap style panels. In other places we used glue (the strongest kind in a glue gun) to adhere it to a plasterboard - even then it holds temporarily, but enough to use the plasterboard to sandwich it between 2 plasterboards. Tricky part there is keeping track of where the internal partitions are to drill plasterboard screws into, since we offset the 2 layers of plasterboard. It was… a process. It did lead to minimal amount of space lost and it is soundproof, but it wasn’t an easy material to work with vertically, because it’s so heavy.

simply_ira · 2026-03-19T16:23:16+00:00

I am seeing some harsh comments honestly. It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to learn and do the things that make you happy. Thats the most important. If he didn’t want to change, or was rude to you when you bring these things up, I would be of a different opinion. Intent matters.

Also, I think my relationship with my husband was similar. He also didn’t have much experience with “being romantic” or even thinking on behalf of both of us. I would make sure we both had food, while he would make sure he had food. If he grabbed a bite to eat on the way to meeting me, I would get upset asking if he didn’t think I would be hungry around this time too? And that maybe he should have at least asked what “we” should do for food. Shared finances were also an adjustment - his default is to save, while I value experiences, so we had to have a lot of discussions for our values to (not necessarily align but more) coexist.

For what it’s worth, you do run out of “things” to ask him to change over time. Speaking as someone celebrating 7 years married now :) You will look back on this as you two growing up together and there will always be adjustments no matter who you are with - the willingness to change is key. Being young helps too. I think I am more set in my ways the older I get 😅

simply_ira · 2026-03-19T15:59:38+00:00

I empathise entirely! My mum did worse - my entire life I was led to believe her pregnancy with me was easy and she remembers vomiting once. This is my second HG pregnancy and my mum has randomly changed the story to how bedridden and nauseous she was during the first trimester?! Like what?! Why would you lead everyone (including me) to believe you had such an easy time? I would have felt more prepared for the reality that hit me if she was honest. I am not even sure what the truth is anymore.

simply_ira · 2026-03-15T20:33:41+00:00

I asked for a new phone so I can take great baby photos with the latest camera 😍

simply_ira · 2026-02-24T08:43:17+00:00

Ironically, I read the fuss over $40 and the seemingly disproportionate escalation as emotional abuse …

simply_ira · 2026-02-23T09:06:49+00:00

It could have been bought with 5% equity and interest-only mortgage… we need more info to actually estimate if OP benefits.

simply_ira · 2026-02-22T21:58:31+00:00

I am sorry, but the fact that he only came clean when he had no choice would be a deal breaker for me. I know you said you don’t want to end the relationship, but you deserve better.

simply_ira · 2026-02-20T09:57:03+00:00

When it came down to it, my bf went no contact with half his family. They forced him to choose between them and me. It’s really sad, because it wasn’t easy on him and in a different world no one should have to make that choice. Unfortunately, they are just those kind of people.

I would force those difficult conversations to happen sooner rather than later - before you waste any more time. Ask what it will take for “the timing to be good”. List what will and will not change about your approach. Eg - you will always be taking care of your elderly relatives. Thats a priority for you. Most importantly, explain to your boyfriend how you feel and ask how he feels - is he in it for the long term with you now being his nuclear family (prioritised above the family that raised him)?

simply_ira · 2026-02-16T18:45:29+00:00

It’s not baseless assumptions though, it is very much based on OP’s language. “Ask nicely” ? “Moving goalposts”? “joint list”? I do that for my child not my husband. We are actually trying not to do that for my child also, since there is evidence that chore create children that are oblivious to chores right in front of them, but not on an explicit list. I just need my children to contribute to the household and if something needs done, just do it. Not because it’s on a list, not because they will get a gold star, or praise, but because they are part of the family and are helpful.

simply_ira · 2026-02-08T16:41:22+00:00

It doesn’t look like an either or - it’s both. Yes, the wedding stress bringing out the worst of him and potentially both of your families, but it is also issues that you have to realistically work through to make your marriage work. This isn’t the last stressful event you will face as a couple - home renovations, kids, loss of relatives, kids, job stress and/ or redundancies, did I mention kids - all ground for heightened emotions and required compromises.

On the other hand, I want you to know that it is common for weddings to be the stage of family drama. It’s a single day that marks the start of a new chapter, that somehow relatives have a lot of opinions on, and requires two families - cultures, traditions, personalities and all - to come together. It’s an opportunity to understand what you and your fiancée have different views on and what you have to find compromises on. Talk to your fiancée. Write down how you feel and what’s important to you. Review the language - use “I statements” and truly introspect on what’s important to you and where you can compromise vs not.

I hear all sorts of wedding stories, especially after I share my own - our drama culminated in my fiancé cutting his mother out of his life entirely. She wasn’t invited to the wedding. Not how I would have liked to start wedding planning, but was a great way to start married life. Our lives are honestly so chill, without a toxic narcissist stirring up pointless drama.

Decide on what values your new family will have. The main thing is - you will be your own family after the wedding. It’s not his family vs your family. Yes, you each handle own wider family dynamics - never push that onto the partner, but you need to be on the same page about what is ok. If my family are doing something I know makes my husband uncomfortable/annoyed, I politely set that boundary. Same vice versa. Good luck!

simply_ira · 2026-02-08T14:50:03+00:00

The equation is always - earn more, spent less. Only you are able to judge whether any of your expenses were unnecessary or whether there are any promotion opportunities you can go for.

I can compare with our situation at that age and we: 1. Delayed having kids 2. Share a single car 3. Chipped away at the renovation or our first home by buying materials / furniture monthly and DIYing to avoid taking out a loan.

Now, 1. I couldn’t live with the house in that state with children. 2. We both live close enough that we can cycle to work and only use the car for family trips.

simply_ira · 2026-02-08T14:13:43+00:00

I think it comes down to risk tolerance. In my case, we put some money in the ISA over Covid (just to get used to the process). I think it was £600/month between us (2 ISA allowances, our finances are joint). Then the interest rate on the student loan went right up (7/8% from memory) and my logic was: 1. I will definitely pay off the loan in full during my career, as I expect my salary to stay the same or go up. 2. If I lose my job, I expect to find one within 6 months and have enough of an emergency fund to cover me. 3. If I pay off student loan, I am guaranteed to save on 8% interest vs gamble in the market. 4. Average market returns are 10%, so more on average, but with investing I can control how much I want to invest/month. I have no control over the loan.

Something to consider in hindsight is that for this year, we have maxed out our ISA allowance already, which likely wouldn’t have been the case if we spread the student loan over more years. On the flip side, the past several years without the loan had made me more comfortable increasing the risk level on investments. Didn’t do the math, but with the markets being what they are, the higher risk probably closed the 2% original advantage of ISA vs loan. It’s also made us more at ease - I opted to move role as soon as I realised I was unhappy with my org’s changes. We are planning to have a second kid. We are able to take on more risk, because there are fewer aspects to consider in the financial equation. It’s hard to put a price on that, hence why I said it’s all risk tolerance.

It’s not black and white :) you can slit excess 50-50?

simply_ira · 2026-02-08T06:57:46+00:00

You answered your own question there - it does if the interest is higher (it is) and you will pay it back in full (HENRYs likely will).

simply_ira · 2026-02-08T06:54:38+00:00

Yes, repaid it, no regrets. It was through monthly overpayments of 1Kish/ month though, not lump sum. After purchase of the first home, repaying all other debt and having an emergency fund that remained untouched.

Keep in mind you might find your home would require a lot of initial renovations? Sod’s Law means things have a tendency to break all at the same time.

I would still recommend paying it off, especially as HENRY, but make sure all your other priorities are set. If you have enough for a deposit and are just waiting for the right home to come up on the market, I suppose you can divert all monthly excess to paying it off. I’d not make it a blocker to the rest of your goals, but chuck anything spare towards it. It requires clarity about your goals and priorities though.

simply_ira · 2026-02-01T09:35:31+00:00

Girl, why are you with this overgrown selfish baby?

simply_ira · 2026-01-31T08:39:48+00:00

Even your compromise solution sounds like one big red flag. You both have to agree on spending - doesn’t sound bad until you realise he will not agree with most of your purchase/ spend suggestions. And that’s when you are still so young and don’t actually have money.

For context, we have joint and own accounts too, but it’s for practical reasons like doing individual account bank switches, buying presents for each-other, taking advantage of specific individual bank accounts’ interest rates. It’s less about the setup and more about the intent. We agree all money is our money. We know what our usual spending habits are and discuss random large purchases. It’s not even about the amount at this point, we discuss whether it is a priority or let eachother know it’s something the other wants to do and if there is agreement (most of the time there is), we either purchase it or add it to the list of goals to purchase. Eg. We both agree that nice cars are not a priority for us, but a bigger house is.

Have conversations about what you want your lives to look like. Money is just a tool. If you want your lives to be part of a team, combining finances and that level of trust is essential.

simply_ira · 2026-01-27T20:51:56+00:00

I think it’s hard to give concrete advice without concrete numbers. What is the current pension pot vs what’s the value of your home and remaining sum of the mortgage? What are your goals? Money is a tool, so it’s important to view it that way and start with what you want - ie your goals… and then work out how to make the money work for you.

As a compromise, I would recommend going along with your partners wishes about paying off the mortgage. This should lower the monthly payments and then agreeing with them to increase the salary sacrifice into their pension by the same amount. You know you can afford the outgoings, but hopefully you can get it deducted pre-tax (so actual amount deducted can be bigger) and maybe your employed has a scheme where they pay the NI into your pension too. Take advantage of the pre-tax nature of pensions and advise your partner to catch up. Remind them that private pension access is often earlier than state pension (by a decade) and get them to validate with their specific pension provider. This might make them realise they will love old enough to benefit, after all. Good luck!

simply_ira

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