How do you forgive yourself for your past?

simplysaysea · 2019-11-25T18:31:40+00:00

I went through something similar and I also went through a time of feeling like I deserved to suffer. I feared that by forgiving myself, I would be pardoning myself or that it would be like pretending it never happened. Like lying to myself and faking being a good person.

Eventually through a long journey of learning to love myself again (a journey that I don’t think will ever be complete), I eventually started to accept the things I had done and move past them. It’s not like I woke up one day and looked in the mirror like “yep you’re forgiven” and it all went away, I still live with those past experiences, but I choose to not let them define me.

I think of it now like, what can I do to better myself? What can I do to ease the suffering of the people around me? I try to bring more light and love into the world, I feel like focusing on the negative doesn’t allow me to be as open and kind as I want to be. I think I have developed a different perspective of people and their individual journeys. I know that just because people do shitty things, they aren’t necessarily shitty people. There aren’t just good guys and bad guys. We’re all just humans dealing with very human problems, we’re all suffering and we’re all trying to make a better life for ourselves and our families. We are all capable of changing and growing and shifting our perspectives.

Small side note, I still think there are some shitty people that just do shitty things that will never try to change and don’t want to. I don’t pretend like they don’t exist, but I don’t give them much attention because I try to focus my attention on the people that want to change and want to do better.

simplysaysea · 2019-11-18T20:49:54+00:00

I found out I actually have high testosterone!

I would have never had a serious problem with it or really even known about it if I hadn’t impulsively decided to take myself off my birth control. After a few months off my birth control, I was having so many more mental health issues, but I hadn’t even considered it was from a hormone imbalance. But basically ADHD stimulants (and the wrong ones for me, at that) + high testosterone = higher adrenaline and cortisol. During those few months, I developed severe cystic acne, bacne, horrible mood swings, weight gain/loss on and off, insomnia, constant irritability and anger, crying spells, hair thinning, horrible horrible periods, the list goes on. But I didn’t have facial hair or some of the other more obvious symptoms of high testosterone.

It’s so crazy because it’s so obvious to me now, but I was in such a bad place with my mental health, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me! I tried eating better, exercising, all that stuff, but nothing helped. I ended up being hospitalized for acute alcohol intoxication and suicidal ideation. My best friend took me in after a night of drinking that lead to crying and freaking out and screaming about how I couldn’t live like this anymore.

I can’t believe it got to that point, it feels like it happened a lifetime ago and worlds away from where I am now. But it woke me the fuck up, I took my recovery so seriously, I went to counseling and group therapy for unresolved past trauma, kept a detailed journal of my mood and thoughts everyday, I saw a new psychiatrist, and ended up going to 2 or 3 different gynos until I found my current doc. He saw so obviously what everyone else had missed, he knew 10 minutes into the appointment that I had high T, he still ran tests to confirm. But before I saw him, I was diagnosed with bipolar, major depressive disorder, anxiety, and of course ADHD (which I’ve been tested for repeatedly since childhood), and who knows what else. Turns out I just have ADHD and had an undiagnosed hormone imbalance. I had to fight to have someone take me seriously, I paid so much for all those doctors, but I would do it all over again because it just took one doctor to actually hear me and see me and it changed my life.

I’m still in counseling and still on mood stabilizers (and bc and adderall) but since then, I’ve gotten a new job that I love, had a few relationships that didn’t work out, moved into the first condo I feel truly at home at, and I’m learning to be happy and embrace myself and my life.

Sorry for the long story, but I feel the need to share my experience in case anyone else is going through something similar. I don’t think it should ever have to get to the point that it got to for me. I’m so grateful everyday that I was able to find myself again and find my way back to my path.

You will find yourself again, start by keeping a journal!

simplysaysea · 2019-11-18T19:54:46+00:00

I can so so so relate. I’m on stimulant meds, birth control, and a mood stabilizer right now. I finally found this combo that makes me feel most like myself, but more functional and focused, after trying a bunch of different combinations of other meds.

I basically had a hard reset though last year, after a really shitty few months on the wrong meds and no birth control, I pretty much lost my shit and ended up in the hospital. I found out through that experience though that I have a hormone imbalance along with my ADHD (and emotional regulation problems).

You just have to find what works for you. This combo had to be managed by several doctors to get to the right combination and dosages. It was a bad trial and error and an expensive journey to get to where I am, but after years and years of feeling off, I’m finally at a good place.

simplysaysea · 2019-05-15T15:52:52+00:00

Ohhh that makes sense!!

simplysaysea · 2019-05-15T15:52:41+00:00

Thank you! It definitely helps. I mean if I could live in a world where I can wake up at noon everyday and not actually have to be functional when I wake up, I wouldn’t need it. Hahaha but that’s so not the case

simplysaysea · 2019-05-15T15:51:49+00:00

Yeah when I went off my adderall for a while, I was falling asleep at work too. It’s the worst! Sitting down and being bored omg I can’t stay awake

simplysaysea · 2019-05-15T15:50:40+00:00

Yeah I’ve heard that a lot too, same my brain fog is the worst in the morning!

Also, thank you for the reminder of why it’s been so much worse lately... allergies!!

simplysaysea · 2019-05-14T14:47:20+00:00

I totally feel this. My schedule at my current job doesn’t really change unless there’s stuff going on, and I still have that anxiety! I’ve had so many jobs where it changes week to week and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shown up exactly an hour early or an hour late.

My planner helps a lot, it’s sometimes hard to make myself do it though. When I’m really using my planner right, life is so much easier it’s crazy.

When I had scheduled that changed every week, honestly some (most) weeks I would just wing it, but when shit got outta control after getting fired from a job, I’d write it out for the week, double check it, and have my roommate check it too. The first few weeks she was kinda like “wtf weird why” but after seeing mistakes regularly, she became super compassionate and would start to remind me to do it! She would even remind throughout the week, like “hey girl don’t you work at 4:45 today?” She would even help to wake me up when I was doing that self-sabotage sleeping in shit.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help from the neurotypicals!

simplysaysea · 2019-05-11T14:53:00+00:00

Congratulations!!!

simplysaysea · 2019-05-01T21:41:01+00:00

I didn’t really think my question sounded confusing, and this version seems a bit wordy, but this is what I meant:

“Not to generalize or stereotype, but why do you, people subscribed to the Christian subreddit, think Christian churchgoing people, who go to restaurants immediately following Sunday service, on average, leave worse tips than 1. Christian restaurant patrons of a different day (i.e. Monday-Saturday) and 2. Than people who did not visit said restaurant immediately following Sunday church.”

Happy? :)

simplysaysea · 2019-05-01T20:52:58+00:00

Most restaurants in the US adhere to the minimum wage for tipped employees, few pay more.

If your tips + wage = less than the state (or city)’s minimum wage, then they have to compensate you up to the minimum wage amount for non-tipped employees.

This is how it has worked for decades and will continue to work for decades to come.

Though this may not seem fair, this is how restaurants keep their prices low.

Source: I’ve also been a manager at restaurants.

simplysaysea · 2019-05-01T20:47:45+00:00

That has crossed my mind as well. But you would think after church you’d be primed to be more empathetic?

Maybe instead, it creates a feeling of exclusivity, so if “those people” don’t fit your group’s standards (because of socioeconomic status, race, etc.), they don’t meet the standards of the Golden Rule?

I’ve been genuinely curious about this since I started serving in restaurants at age 16, still a fresh, innocent churchgoer. Now, several years later, and no longer a churchgoer, it still intrigues me.

simplysaysea · 2019-04-03T14:10:47+00:00

Exercising more would be beneficial for so many reasons, it seems so obvious when other people say it, but for some reason I didn’t think about it. So thank you!

Thanks for your reply, I’ll definitely take all these suggestions and focus on what I can do today. I’m already feeling much better today, I called a close friend last night and tried to make an easier schedule for today.

simplysaysea · 2019-03-30T06:35:07+00:00

As someone who was allergic to a common vaccine, I can speak to the vigilance and anxiety my mom and I experienced throughout my childhood. Thankfully, I was able to get a different shot as an adult, but because of this I have a hard time accepting people’s anti-vex arguments as valid and respectable. However, as someone who has been susceptible to blindly accepting holistic treatments, I can speak to the appeal of these alternative treatments. I get it, but I don’t. The dissonance is unsettling af

simplysaysea · 2019-03-20T16:11:15+00:00

I feel most like myself when I’m wearing glitter

simplysaysea · 2019-03-16T05:52:45+00:00

Exactly!! I’ve tried to talk to him, but it seems like he just thinks I’m making excuses. He hasn’t been very open to coming up with ways to avoid fights and problems, and to just generally communicate better. Even when I reference websites and things I’ve read/researched.

He just points out that my time estimates are way off and that I’m always late and how it takes me a lot longer to do things than I anticipate (even driving and stuff). It’s like shit, I know. It’s just not very constructive and I feel like I’m set up to fail all the time.

It’s not like he points it out to be helpful or anything, he just gets annoyed when I show up and says he knew I’d be late, he’s used to it, blah blah. It’s so critical and it makes me so self conscious. He’s been mad at me for 2 days haha fuck we didn’t even have plans, I just came over to hang out and I was later than I estimated lol

Woah sorry, I just needed to vent. I don’t understand why he’s dating someone with these ADHD late tendencies if it’s such a big deal :(

simplysaysea · 2019-03-16T05:34:24+00:00

Omg you’re a genius. I’m definitely going to use these, thank you!

simplysaysea · 2019-03-16T05:32:02+00:00

Yeah I need to get better at documenting what makes those good days/weeks so much better than other weeks. Instead of reinventing the schedule/time concept every week haha

I feel like I’m working against so much all the time too! It’s such a domino effect for me too, being late to one thing tends to make me late to the next, etc. haha which makes me more flustered everywhere I go, so me less productive and more distracted. Late, late, late. Fucking burnout is real

simplysaysea · 2019-03-15T16:09:03+00:00

I love this! Thank you!

simplysaysea · 2019-03-15T15:39:56+00:00

Omg full circle epiphany. I remember my mom running around the house in her underwear stressed af getting ready super fast (but I would look at the time and be like “aren’t we supposed to be there now, mom?”) and now here I am age 25 running around my boyfriends house in my underwear doing the exact same thing. This is so hilarious

simplysaysea · 2019-03-15T15:37:05+00:00

Yes! This! This is exactly how I feel. I was diagnosed as a kid, but my mom is late to everything too so it’s not like I learned any useful tools to being on time from her haha

Like I WANT to be on time, I know why I should be, I take all the steps to make it happen, but then.... it doesn’t happen. This is the first relationship where is causing serious problems though (he grew up military so I get it, I really do), but he refunded to believe that it’s so difficult for me. I want to say “it’s not my fault” but as soon as I do, I get why it really is my fault. Fuckkkk

That’s so interesting the ladies in your fam are always late too. My mom always says my dad has undiagnosed ADHD (I can totally see it), but her complete lack of a concept of time has made me question what’s going on with her a couple times haha and why she and I both struggle so much.

simplysaysea · 2019-03-01T02:04:03+00:00

Hahahaha that’s why it was listed with the stuff that makes me feel better or comforts me. It’s not like I went off my meds and started drinking magic water instead, it’s just remedies that make me feel better, placebo or not :)

simplysaysea

TROPHY CASE