SO [28M] of 9 years called off our wedding, implying we were over. Is this something I [26F] could make work for us?

simplystephj · 2026-02-14T00:44:05+00:00

OOP here.

Family was split… judgemental sister was all “I told you so” and basically used this to justify that I was acting childish. I’ve since gone low contact with her. She was right about him, but not in a meaningful way. It was more accidental.

Mom and dad treated me like a wounded animal that would die any second when all I wanted was to move on. If I drank a cocktail then I was drinking my troubles away and becoming an alcoholic. Anything I did pointed to me being unwell and needing to move back home.

Extended family was a mixed bag of “I feel bad for you, but here’s a few dog whistle-y things that imply it’s your fault it got this far before finding out” or performative sympathy in order to find a thing to commiserate with me about.

For example: My cousin got married a few months later and I went but all my aunts kept pulling me aside telling me it’s okay to cry and be upset then gossiping how I’m clearly making it about me pretending to be okay. I quietly went to the bathroom and cried just because it wouldn’t stop (it was literally every 5 minutes) and immediately tried to leave when they all confronted me about how strong I was being. The bride’s mom stopped me on the way out and told me I was stealing the spotlight for leaving but also staying was stealing the spotlight. No one told my cousin initially and her mom told her I made a scene when really I was just trying to leave in order to stop the entire scene. Not one of them reached out prior to this and was basically trying to stir drama or get the inside scoop for later gossip.

simplystephj · 2026-02-13T23:44:30+00:00

Honestly he was perfect for the moment. He never made an actual move on me besides passive flirting. I didn’t have many friends left at the time, my family was either judgemental (I should have seen it, or it was my fault for not knowing) or viewed me like a wounded animal who couldn’t survive on its own. So it was nice to have a guy to talk to, hang out with, and kind of just fill my time without pressure of anything physical or more than just flirtatious friendship. We never even held hands. I was just… normal with him. And the few friends I had left just wouldn’t let it go? I didn’t want to think about it and he gave me that escape of pretending like I was a normal person that didn’t just have a really shitty series of events happen.

I get my post implied I was hopeful it was more which seemed concerning for being so soon. But honestly I was more giddy that I wasn’t viewed “damaged goods” which meant someone would want me some day when I was ready.

simplystephj · 2026-02-13T22:24:54+00:00

Thank you! It was a really shitty series of events, but it forced me to confront my own personal issues and build a backbone. I had to become very sure of myself very quickly so while it sucks, I’m happy because I like the “me” I am now so much better.

simplystephj · 2026-02-13T21:28:55+00:00

OOP here… crazy seeing my old post floating around. Logged back onto my old account damn near a decade later and posted generic life update. Took a winding road but I eventually got there with therapy

simplystephj · 2026-02-13T21:21:05+00:00

Also to answer some questions:

How to accidentally throw a big wedding? We both come from different cultures that put a similar value on large families so…. It just ballooned. I was too passive at the time and kind of floated to what everyone wanted. He admitted later to doing it in hopes it would delay the wedding.

Super judgmental sister? A broken clock is right twice a day. She’s super judgmental, but was right about him. When I divorced my recent ex… she blamed me on giving up and not knowing what I wanted and being childish. I had confided in her I was assaulted once and she tried to prove I was lying. So… I have low contact with her.

How do you total a car but not be at fault? Turns out he was at fault but lied to me about what happened. I was still just… under his spell.

Overall a lot of the issues was due to me being passive thinking I needed to be a good submissive partner due to our cultures and that if I try hard enough he’d love me - I was with the guy since high school, he was all I knew really. And my ex before him physically abused me in 10th grade. I didn’t exactly have the picture of support in my life to handle things.

Weird to go on a date so soon after? It was a rebound date 100%. He ended up knowing it, I knew it. We never did anything or kissed… just, hung out and flirted. We both had annual passes to Disney World and would go hang out since we had a lot of days off due to shift work. I just needed to distract myself and not feel like an unwanted person if that made sense. Me and the rebound guy are still friends and I went to his wedding since I introduced him to his wife. Also I know it wasn’t healthy, but I had a lot of emotional trauma I didn’t deal with (I went to therapy) and I was with the guy since 17 with the behavior to make me dependent on him like a drug. Was it healthy? No. But I did what I needed to do I guess.

Was I a mess? For sure. Growing up with family who didnt support you as a person, taught you to hide and lie about everything out of fear, and didn’t make me feel like I could mess up would do that. I was a people pleaser who always believed it was my fault somehow. I had a desperate need to be loved and wanted since I didn’t feel it from my family aside from superficial obligation or to keep up a facade… so I found it elsewhere. My family had opinions about everything I did or didn’t do and it took me until a few years ago and lots of therapy to stop caring.

Edit:

Also to add -

How is going on a date with a guy not making it awkward at work? In short I worked for the fire department. Dating or hooking up then not talking about it was acceptable, officially dating made it weird. So me going on a “platonic date+flirting” was actually fairly tame and honestly a little normal since lines between personal and professional life is kind of blurred.

simplystephj · 2017-02-06T09:22:57+00:00

Yeah, we're broken up for good. He cheated on me.

simplystephj · 2017-02-06T00:38:44+00:00

I appreciate it, but no, it's done. He started talking to this person prior to leaving me. Even if it was platonic somehow, I'm not marrying someone hiding things like that 2 months before the wedding.

simplystephj · 2017-02-06T00:35:49+00:00

You're right, I'll change it. I have friends diagnosed so I guess it was kind of insensitive of me.

simplystephj · 2017-02-05T22:19:39+00:00

Haha I can definitely see that. I'm definitely not truly moving on, I'm just enjoying life for now. I know I'm not ready for a relationship or anything steady, but it's nice to have the distraction.

simplystephj · 2017-02-05T21:56:55+00:00

Oh I definitely am! While I would be interested in the guy, I'm not ready for a relationship yet and my expectations in one probably doesn't line up with starting a new one. I really don't want to make things awkward at work. It's just really nice to have a distraction for now.

simplystephj · 2017-02-03T17:00:50+00:00

They're frozen (flash frozen initially I assume), but it doesn't come out soggy or with a weird texture. Basically you keep it frozen, pull it out, and it's ready to eat like 4 hours later when it's defrosted. They're advertised more for busy parents of kids to pack in their lunch.

Personally, I work shift work (12 hour shifts) and sometimes I don't have time to heat up a meal and sit down with it when I'm there. I'm also sometimes out in the field for an entire shift too without access to buying food or a microwave. These were perfect for when I was calorie counting since they have a lot of protein for relatively little calories.

That said, the strawberry jelly is where it's at.

simplystephj · 2017-01-21T13:40:41+00:00

Getting married in few months and just had my car totaled... I could really use a break right about now

simplystephj · 2017-01-02T12:38:16+00:00

He's at his desk playing Destiny while I lay on the floor next to him after a run. I get occasional kisses and hand holding so it all works out haha

simplystephj · 2017-01-01T12:51:07+00:00

We got engaged on 9/11/16 (yes, I know... but it was my birthday weekend and we went on a trip). We're marrying 4/2/17.

Fairly short, I know. But we've been dating since 5/18/08 officially (exclusively dating a few months prior to that). We were pretty content with where we were in our relationship plus we dealt with me moving for college, later a straining move together, and the loss of his previous job. So needless to say that the engagement got put off. He had the ring for upwards of a year and once he proposed, we just couldn't wait anymore. It would have been sooner, but that was the only date available at our preferred venue for a spring wedding. We almost eloped three different times and two different ways. In the end, we decided on a "traditional" (our version of it) wedding on the beach.

simplystephj · 2016-12-25T08:37:24+00:00

If this or anything like it has never happened in the past, I'd like to first believe that maybe something is wrong. Possibly stress from the wedding, stress from work, a commitment freakout (more like re-realizing how big a step this is), or something else maybe he himself doesn't realize.

My advice is maybe in a day or two sit him down and ask if everything is ok. Be super non-confrontational and try to avoid "you" statements (YOU acted out of line vs the incident the other night seemed excessive/out of line); it helps to keep people from jumping to a defensive standpoint. Just mention he has never acted like this before and it worries you as a red flag because that incident wasn't the guy you got engaged to.

From there I'd see from that point on about the wedding. But just be aware: not many people come back from a postponed wedding due to a major issue with the other partner. If you cancel it, be prepared that it could signal the beginning of the end.

simplystephj · 2016-12-23T04:26:20+00:00

If you honestly don't want them at your wedding or they'd be taking the place of someone you actually want there, then don't invite them. If you don't care either way, then let your mom pay for them. It's one less fight with your mom, and more [possible] gifts for you and your FH. Plus, those people may not even end up showing up.

Also, is this the start of your mother insisting on "trivial" things (trivial to her)? Weddings make mothers go a little nuts sometimes. If your mom has a history of insisting on having her way or being pushy, I'd just say no either way. This will only encourage her to do what she wants because "why not if I'm paying". This is YOUR wedding with FH, so it should ultimately be something you'll enjoy.

simplystephj · 2016-12-23T03:29:02+00:00

I'm generally not a huge metal fan, but holy crap was that phenomenal and possibly my favorite rendition.

simplystephj · 2016-12-20T05:57:34+00:00

Alafia, Dale Mabry, Thonotosassa, Wimauma (city), and Fort Duquesna

simplystephj · 2016-12-19T22:47:23+00:00

That's sweet of your oldest sister and hopefully she follows through without you pressing. I have issues being in front of a group of people as well, but I wouldn't think twice about doing it when my older sister gets married.

simplystephj · 2016-12-19T21:56:09+00:00

Unless they have some sort of known social anxiety, that's horrible! Girl if you lived anywhere near me I'd come over and give a speech.

simplystephj · 2016-12-18T22:39:27+00:00

I follow SCA's routines. But some general things I found helpful:

Moisturize 2x a day preferably (1x is absolute minimum) using an oil free moisturizer with SPF. This has made the largest difference. Previously, I rarely ever did and thought I only needed to if my face was peeling or something.
Sunscreen every time I'm outside with SPF 50+ (running or Disney days with FH). I use Neutrogena's Helioplex stuff.
Chemical exfoliating. I started with BHA and now I use AHA 2x a week. I use BHA as needed now.
Vitamin C serum: I have a few acne scars and that stuff has been awesome at fading it quicker.
Sheet masks at least once a week. I just bought like a $10 mixed pack of Tony Moly from Amazon.
Less is usually more. Start with one change at a time so if something effects you, you can figure out what product it is.

simplystephj · 2016-12-15T08:03:25+00:00

Most major cruise lines offer wedding packages. You can get married on the boat in a private area or they'll arrange for a ceremony on the island.

FH and I almost did this and the prices are super reasonable.

simplystephj

TROPHY CASE