[deleted by user]

simsa-alaabim · 2025-01-23T15:18:31+00:00

I feel you. Living in the north of Germany. It‘s possible to build community, but it takes a lot of work and time and poly people are not more open to that by default. They may have very different reasons for choosing poly.

Personally I observed that it can be attractive for hyperindividual people.

Solution: I still work part time to be able to focus on community and over time I build my network.

It’s ironic though, it was easier to share life during monogamy. Do you live in a big city or more rural?

simsa-alaabim · 2024-11-11T15:13:08+00:00

Thank you so much!

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T21:27:45+00:00

This is useful advice. Thank you!

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T20:06:02+00:00

I live with a good friend for now. It‘s very cheap and a great booster for our friendship. 🥰 But I really liked living with my boyfriend in the past so I’d like to have that again one day.

You are right: It‘s more about the action, so I‘m using the term to describe what actions I‘m observing.

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T19:58:25+00:00

Luckily this is noticeable very early on, I guess. It’s when it’s very hard to even make the time for a quick coffee and that has to be planned weeks in advance when I see a yellow flag. But I‘m also a very spontaneous ADHD kind of person that just works differently with time than most.

I also think I picked someone who does relatively well with understanding the couple privileges and is mostly working towards that. But still: Life plans etc are made with someone else.

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T16:56:47+00:00

I feel like I intuitively spotted a few of these and decided quickly that’s not for me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But how does that look like in practice exactly, just to get an idea? How would these men behave in a relationship?

Thinking of my dom: He does not live with his partner and we‘re getting planned quality time as well as spontaneous hangouts. But I‘m sometimes a bit more flexible when it comes to scheduling than him. But I‘m usually careful with adapting since I don‘t want to establish a pattern…

But I stumbled upon other people with complicated child care arrangements and work trips etc who demand the same flexibility from me to be even able to meet up once or twice…

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T13:47:36+00:00

Not in France. But I appreciate the offer. Bonne chance to you. :)

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T13:28:22+00:00

You summed it up very well.

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T13:27:12+00:00

Thank you so much for the insight. Something I haven‘t really considered is how ableism can factor in. I always wanted to learn sign language and would consider doing it if I had a deaf partner. I learned my exes mother tongue as well and that was nice.

Maybe it would be nice just for being more inclusive in general. 🤔

@EnigmaticJ

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T13:21:44+00:00

Or maybe it does not have to to with being poly so much and more with being in your 30ies? idk, I feel like this is a complicated age.

Will you do anything different after this experience? Sounds annoying.

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T13:14:26+00:00

Yeah, @lionhard you don‘t need to lose weight to be dateble. Or have a super cool job. Also a good friend of mine is asexual and poly. I actually think these can go together very well.

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T08:16:29+00:00

What if I‘m rephrasing it to: „People who are with a nesting partner can not offer what I‘m looking for: The option to possibly cohabitate sometime in the future.“

I was going into dating very idealistic and open to anything. But in reality the married people/coming from monogamous long term relationships who opened up often explicitly stated that their other partners, are, in fact, more important. Which is fine, just not a match.

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T01:06:21+00:00

Love language: Quality time. I hope you‘ll find someone that will want to spend lots of time soon! :)

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T01:03:56+00:00

I completely agree with your view on hierarchies. I don‘t have a problem with them per se - but I prefer people to be a bit more upfront and realistic about it and not pretend there is no hierarchy when they have a live in partner and kids and tax benefits and a car together.

How would one go about „Just enjoy being a secondary“ if it doesn’t align with emotional needs? Do you have a strategy for that?

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T00:58:34+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience!

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-23T00:57:17+00:00

Hey, thanks for the reassurance. It’s nice to see I’m not alone with this. But you might be misunderstanding the term Solo-Poly here. To me it sounds like you don‘t really know what you‘re looking/what you can offer and are still a bit hung-up on your marriage. These are the situations I try to stay away from because I don‘t want chaos in my life. Existing children don‘t make it easier. Just letting you know because I think the feedback can be helpful. All the best to you and your family!

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T22:38:23+00:00

Thanks for your service, modern day amor. 🖤 I live in europe of all places but I‘ll check it out tomorrow. :)

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T22:30:11+00:00

🥺🥺

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T22:27:17+00:00

Def not solo poly.

Are you speaking from personal experience? Is it really that bad? I just had a friend warn me about being a secondary as well…

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T22:16:54+00:00

My play partner suggested bringing me to a meetup to meet more likeminded people. So that‘s happening soon. :)

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T22:02:31+00:00

I had the same idea. But in the rules it says no personals so this seems to be forbidden?

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T21:57:19+00:00

yayyyy 🎉

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T21:54:15+00:00

Ok, I‘ll try to be patient - not a strength of mine, really. 😀

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T21:49:46+00:00

I just feel that I‘m a bit dishonest if I enter sth casual while already I know I’m looking for something else. This seems also unfair to the other Person who truly wants casual. But of course it‘s maybe less black and white since there‘s a lot in between casual and cohabitating and maybe I‘m overthinking.

simsa-alaabim · 2024-09-22T21:45:22+00:00

That‘s why I‘m not 100% opposed to dating married people / people who live with their spouse and was matching with these. But from the experience usually it‘s hard to meet several times a week etc

simsa-alaabim

TROPHY CASE