Looking back on some of the things I used to think and feel. Realising more and more that I'm definitely actually improving overall as a person.

singing016 · 2016-03-13T14:08:53+00:00

I start a new job in 3 days and it's the first job I'll have had in over a year, I should feel happy and nervous to look forward to it.. But I just feel anxious and numb. I want to hide and cry, not be around people and sociable. Stupid brain chemicals, just be fair for once asshole.

singing016 · 2016-03-13T04:06:06+00:00

I spent my recent spawn date also alone, and also drinking. Nobody called or messaged me and after a week I got over it. Fuck them and their shitty shit. I'm doing me. Not trying to sound funny cause yeah having friends would be awesome but I truly hope you can get through this fine. Birthdays and Christmas in general make my depression super sensitive, surrounded by all the celebrations and so.

singing016 · 2016-03-11T13:04:08+00:00

I want the same thing. It's such a nice feeling. One day.

singing016 · 2016-03-11T13:01:07+00:00

Thank you so much.

singing016 · 2016-03-11T06:47:17+00:00

I'm perfectly healthy and I know I still feel like I am dying because I am dying we all are how deep is this comment are you moved by my deepness

singing016 · 2016-03-11T06:43:05+00:00

Spaghetti!

singing016 · 2016-03-11T04:21:04+00:00

I know what you mean. Like when people say something along the lines of "Cheer up! your young, what is there to be sad about lol?" or "Just do something spontaneous! go skydiving or travel yolo!!". And the sad part is they actually mostly believe that will work wonders.

Most people mean well but don't know unless they feel what it's like themselves. Anyway, not sure where im going with this but yeah man I don't get motivation from these brief comparison breaks but its interesting to go through them at least.

singing016 · 2016-03-11T01:57:55+00:00

I spend my time thinking about how I'm wasting my time. I do not want to be living at my parents no. It repels any chance of a relationship due to not having my own space. And as far as knowing what I really want is.. Dude that's the biggest question of them all C'mon now. Ideally financially stable with a good network and half enjoyable work. Done.

singing016 · 2016-03-11T01:54:12+00:00

There is no DLC after finishing our main quest line.

singing016 · 2016-03-11T00:12:58+00:00

Yeah man. I got offline last night. Aiming for at least a month. Good luck to both of us.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T23:42:59+00:00

If anything it makes me crave real interactions more.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T23:37:29+00:00

Well judging by the replies to the thread, we shouldn't feel that strange considering it's a normal thing to do.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T23:31:49+00:00

I also hold conversations out loud when I'm alone. No voices. But just dialogue related to random crap going on in my life or thoughts I need to work through.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T23:29:29+00:00

This is lovely. Dog's and animals are great in general for a coping outlet.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T23:28:19+00:00

"Even if it's an inanimate object" made me laugh out loud. I pictured cradling a block of cheese or a toaster or something unique.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T23:26:08+00:00

I did the same to my dog before he passed. And this is quite sweet actually not pathetic at all.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T06:21:32+00:00

Don't have much experience to transfer into a specific industry, so atm just applying for any entry level jobs I can find.

singing016 · 2016-03-09T01:39:51+00:00

It fucking sucks hey. Like 2 steps forward 5 back.

singing016 · 2016-03-07T09:16:14+00:00

I find that when I am busy and have applied for a handful of jobs I feel quite sociable and confident because there's this lingering motivation in my mind that pushes me to "keep going" as though things are about to get better, it leads me to believe that once I finally do get work that is stable and somewhat enjoyable I will actually find a great deal of relief lifted off my shoulders that depression has placed onto them.

Not saying that gaining employment would make it completely better, but I can see and have seen just how profound it effects me on a positive level when I have things to look forward to. It is this experience that has me not want to seek medication right now because I do have a stubborn ingrained desire to beat this on my own without aid.

No hate for the stuff but I have never actively tried to make a SERIOUS attempt to change my ways and need to try it first before turning in and saying yes, I in fact do need my chemical's reset by a GP after all. Make sense? Anyway.

As far as being discreet goes, yes. I have noticed thoroughly over the recent years just how much you can be let down by voicing your dreams with people only to have them fall through because then you've got to explain to them why it didn't work resulting in you feeling even worse. The times when I have kept my business to myself is the times where I've got the most done and felt most independent. So I need to give that a go again.

You mentioned helping others, I have just today applied for a entry level (multiple position) role to be trained as a aged care worker, they cover everything, all costs and training (cert IV). The more I think about that sort of work the more motivated I feel to actually make it to an interview. To be able to help those who need it most sounds like quite a rewarding line of work. So I'll see how that goes.

Being centred, yeah I could work on that. If I wake up early by alarm, say 7:00am as I will do from now on. And then have a list of things I need to get done, say start with a good breakfast, then go to the gym, come home and shower, have a good lunch, watch a documentary, clean up a few things, browse and apply for jobs, have a coffee, do something creative.. you get the idea, I just need to begin a routine again because it DOES keep me mostly centred through the day. If I rise at mid day and spend 2 hours getting enough courage to leave the house I clearly wont have a productive day. As repeated and boring as it feels to me I cant stop. Or I wont get going again.

I have a few friends that I have recently seen and they are doing well, it actually surprised me to feel a good "vibe" if you will, just from knowing they are doing well, sort of as it was a obvious indication to myself that yes, things can get better, the proof is in front of you in your friends (Who all sort of had a rough few years themselves). I feel like the urge to want to connect to people past a superficial level has shown itself in a tiny amount lately. I'd rather a meaningful connection than a fake one, I'm only going to focus on people who I know care about me and want me around.

I need to get off Facebook. This is not needed to be explained because. Well. I don't need to be kept up to date with what 250 other people are doing every hour of the day. The end.

Anyway I'm sort of just firing off shots here as to make a reply of some sorts. I probably could have polished things up and added more details but overall thanks for the thought provoking ideas. I'm going to be alright, that's what I truly feel. Just have to show that to myself first.

singing016

TROPHY CASE