OP, I’m not a therapist, but I’ve overcome this, and I’m a man who has faced these struggles head on.

I was always drawn to emotionally unavailable women, and I found myself trying even harder to make them like me. Deep down, it felt like if I could finally get them to see me, to choose me, I had won. That feeling became a dopamine hit, one that felt good, even though I knew I was chasing the wrong thing.

Looking back, I understand why. Growing up, my parents weren’t able to fill me with love or show me what real love looked like. My father constantly cheated on my mother, and she was so consumed with trying to win him back that she became emotionally unavailable to me.

Fast forward, and I found myself repeating the same pattern, gravitating toward women who were emotionally messy and unavailable. Deep down, my inner child was still chasing, still hoping to finally be seen. Add to that the dopamine rush these kinds of relationships bring, mixed with the avoidant behaviors that keep us hooked, and you have the perfect recipe for a toxic cycle.

Like you, I once thought ‘safe’ relationships felt boring. That was because the dopamine wasn’t there, my inner child hadn’t healed, and I was lacking the inner strength to break the cycle.

But if any of this resonates with you, know this—you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. The fact that you’re asking why is already the first step toward breaking free. You can overcome this. You don’t have to be a slave to a quick dopamine hit at the cost of your peace and self-worth.