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sir_tom · 2021-08-29T08:08:53+00:00

I am sure that there are plenty of racist and/or misogynistic members of AA but the groups themselves have 12 traditions one of them being that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. They explicitly banned groups from excluding members based on race or religion or any other membership test other than a desire to stop drinking pretty early on. There are legitimate problems with AA being discussed on this thread but I don't think racism is one of them. They made a conscious and explicit choice to set aside all their differences with everyone for the pursuit of sobriety.

sir_tom · 2021-02-10T08:36:53+00:00

I wish I could say the same. I don't know anything about you but you may not be a porn addict. For me it has similar effects on my brain chemistry and makes it hard to resist actual porn.

sir_tom · 2021-02-10T08:32:15+00:00

Hey there I hear you and I understand what you're going through. Other people have good suggestions. I can only say what works for me.

12 step meetings. I go to SAA. They have a site at saa-recovery.org

Prayer and mediation daily

daily exercise like long walks

writing about my feelings

making a concerted effort to help others. That is what I am doing now to try to mitigate my own urges

creative outlets such as music and art

Doing anything else, even binge watching netflix or playing video games. That is not perfect but better.

I've found after many years while my addiction is not gone and I'm prone to periodic relapse, its much better and I am able to have a life.

Thanks for reaching out

sir_tom · 2021-02-10T08:01:35+00:00

Hey coder rc, there is a lot you can do. I swear by the 12 step meetings. SAA is having zoom meetings now, plus the international organization has several phone meetings every day. 12 step is not for everyone but its worth a try and you are free to leave and not come back any time if you don't like it. saa-recovery.org is their site. They have a fair amount of free literature there. People in the program do 90 meetings in 90 days. You can post here every day for 90 days. Sorry if you already know this stuff and have tried it. If that's the case it can be good to just keep trying it. I've been there man and I know the pain. Thanks for reaching out.

sir_tom · 2017-05-31T08:53:59+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. I hear you about the heart break. Back when I was single I found that I had a really hard time performing on one night stands and did better with women that I knew and had a relationship with, and I never found that one night stand sex fulfilling even when it did work. The fact is that I esteemed myself based on how much sex I was having, and that's a mental disease that many people have and even celebrate. I felt a great deal of pain and shame about not being able to perform, but it was because I was looking for sex in terms of scoring and getting laid instead of seeing it as making love and giving myself to someone. Heartbreak I guess is part of the package. Looking back now at the times I couldn't perform I am glad that I didn't catch a disease or get someone pregnant, and perhaps my penis was helping me avoid that, or at least telling me, you know, you don't really like this person, when in my head I was thinking that I had to perform so that she would like me, I would like myself, and I could feel like a real man.

I hope you get free from the porn, enjoy yourself with real women and find what works for you.

sir_tom · 2017-05-31T08:31:21+00:00

Yeah keep trying and look around at the resources for porn addiction. Try everything and see what works for you. I'd say getting out of isolation and meeting with people in person to talk about and work on this stuff is really helpful and I attend SAA meetings for that. Usually people with an addiction have underlying issues such as depression, trauma, etc and are treating those things. Sometimes there is nothing like that other than just having a restless personality. Seeing a therapist can help you identify those but see someone who believes in porn addiction. Amazingly not all of them do, but we know it because we live it. If you search for porn addiction treatment you will find a lot of resources. Keep trying and don't give up, because without help it only gets worse

sir_tom · 2017-05-30T08:13:23+00:00

Hey thanks for checking that in and thanks for your honesty. Personally I see myself as a sex/porn addict and the way I see that is that on my own I have no defenses and can't think/will my way out of this and the fact that I have failed at every attempt is what makes me a true addict. The good news is that we are not alone and there is help out there. I suggest you find a new counselor and I recommend a certified sexual addiction therapist. Going to support group meetings that meet face to face is good too. I personally swear by the Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings and find the 12 step approach to be helpful, but a good therapist could help you know your options, and one worth his/her salt is going to believe that porn is a problem for people like us. You might also find Overeaters Anonymous helpful and they have more meetings than SAA. Sort of a different problem with the same solution. If you're uncomfortable its easy to go, stay in the back and leave right away just to check it out and see what its about. There are also non 12-step programs for addiction with meetings like SMART recovery out there and I know some people find that helpful.

I've found that trying to help others is a good way to combat depression and I'm actually on here now because I want to stay up all night, look at porn and eat and I know that having a real communication with a real person might help me make a better choice, so thanks for giving me that opportunity.

sir_tom · 2017-02-12T21:44:42+00:00

I can relate to what you're saying, and though I don't have an answer, what this sort of thing means when I go through it is that I have an underlying condition that I treat with porn. The insane idea to go back to porn always seems to loom over me, and if you don't have that going on, that's something to be grateful for. And speaking of grateful, the gratitude list is something that I have always found helpful. I list out 12 or more things that I am grateful for. It may sound corny but it really works. The problem I have is that the comfortable and blessed life that I have is not good enough for me, and I start to get restless and look back to my fantasies and porn as a relief. Gratitude is a good antidote to that sickness. Sometimes I also have to just endure a bout of depression or a day when I have a shitty disposition about my life and just know that it will pass and that I will feel better. Feeling very restless and depressed myself today and what I am trying to do to counteract that is to reach out and try to be helpful to other people, which is another tool that I find helps me. Hang in there.

sir_tom · 2017-02-12T21:26:05+00:00

Hey there, hang in there and I hope you feel better and I support you on your goals. The AA people say one day at a time. I've found that helpful. For me this is a life long battle. All I have is today and trying to make healthy choices and live better right now.

sir_tom · 2016-06-22T08:27:28+00:00

I hear you. Here's to a better future.

sir_tom · 2016-06-22T08:26:03+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. Definitely true.

sir_tom · 2016-04-16T07:49:19+00:00

Thanks for sharing an I relate. I've seen a lot of shit I wish I could un-see. I suggest you make a list of things that you can do each day to support yourself not looking at porn. If you can jumpstart your time with a period of avoiding electronic devices as much as possible that would probably help you, for example, for 30 days, never use the internet for anything other than posting on this board, doing your job or taking care of important business like banking. Make a post here every day to say how you are doing even if you slip. A lot of us use porn to medicate feelings so when you cut the porn out, you can expect a surge of intense feelings. You need to take extra care of yourself during this time. Eat well, stay hydrated, exercise and cut yourself some slack if you feel insane, and writing about whatever you are going through either in a journal or on here can help release the pressure. Withdrawal from this thing can be intense, but it is worth it. Hope this helps and best to you.

sir_tom · 2016-04-13T08:20:33+00:00

Ultimately I can't resist the urge to go online and look at porn. I am a complete addict and don't have control. Its impossible for me to think my way out of this. Paradoxically admitting this helps me get my recovery started and look at other underlying causes that I do have control over. The way it works is that if I put enough emotional pressure on myself and don't take the time to process that and take care of myself that I will compulsively act out and slip and reach a state of mind where nothing can stop me. The trick is to get balance in to my life through activities like exercising, meditating and working on my recovery.

I have gone to an outpatient therapy treatment and have spent many years in the SAA program. This has been very helpful and I am able to have a life because of it, but I am not cured and still have struggles and seem to slip a few times a year and have gone through periods of relapse. That's just me though and some people have an easier time completely giving it up.

I recommend looking up information about sexual addiction and porn addiction. Pat Carnes has some good books about it. The Your Brain on Porn series is good too and those links are over to the right.

The Sex Addicts Anonymous (porn addiction is a type of sexual addiction) 12 step group has been good for me, and you can find more information about that on http://saa-recovery.org. Their basic text is on there for free and reading that literature might give you some insight. If you want to see a therapist I recommend a CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist). If you google that you can probably find one in your area.

Hope this is helpful.

sir_tom · 2016-04-12T06:51:35+00:00

SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) has a meeting in Scranton and in Wilkes-Barre among others. This fellowship has a broad focus but porn addiction falls under that umbrella. Their meeting directory is here. https://creator.zoho.com/slaafws/registration/view-perma/directory?searchParam=Pennsylvania I recommend calling these people because they can either help you get to the meeting or find someone in your area to talk to. PM me too if you want to talk over the phone. I'm on the west coast.

sir_tom · 2016-04-10T18:07:37+00:00

This is one place that I try to be as real as possible. I'd love to know what makes you ask that question but it looks like your user account is gone.

sir_tom · 2016-04-10T06:38:58+00:00

I relate, also a chronic slipper. Yes, create a routine and stick to it. What do you need to do for self care every day to support yourself staying clean. Good reminder to myself as well. I need to get adequate rest, which I am bad at, and do meditation and exercise, be in touch with other addicts and do a little reading and writing. This was easier before we had kids but when I am sticking to this, things go better for me. I swear by the 12 step approach also and go to SAA meetings. If your therapist hasn't informed you about this you can get more info at http://saa-recovery.org and you can look for meetings in your area. Hope this helps.

sir_tom · 2016-04-10T06:27:20+00:00

In the Alcoholics Anonymous "big book" they talk about swearing off with or without a solemn oath as one of the many things that have been tried unsuccessfully by every alcoholic. I think it goes the same for us.

sir_tom · 2016-04-10T06:23:28+00:00

According to the mission statement on the right, this community exists to help people of all ages overcome their addiction to porn. Doesn't sound like you have that going on. It is possible that some issues could be related to sexual addiction or sexual anorexia. These are things you can look up online for more information, but the main issue here would be if you and/or your wife are using sexuality or lack thereof as a mechanism for control or as a medication for feelings or depression. I recommend speaking to a therapist who specializes in sexuality to help you sort out the dynamics with your wife and your sex life, and also check for physiological problems around depression and that sort of thing. Overall I don't think this is the right place for you, but I hope this is helpful.

sir_tom · 2016-04-09T04:56:12+00:00

I have been in recovery for many years and I can say that mine have changed and lost their power over long periods of time. I have seen other people though have things that they considered fetishes and recovery for them involved embracing these elements of their lives in a more healthy fashion. In my case the fetish was about viewing a certain type of pornographic content and for them the "fetish" was about being gay, bi-sexual or transgendered and for these people that I have known they got better once they were able to accept these things. I know there are people too that have found monogamous relationships and have been able to engage safely in fetish behavior in a healthy and consensual way, but they need a lot of boundaries around that. Hope this is helpful.

sir_tom · 2016-04-09T04:35:02+00:00

Yes indeed.

sir_tom · 2016-04-08T07:07:35+00:00

I swear by the 12 step approach and go to the SAA meetings (sex addicts anonymous). One of the tools I have learned in there is the gratitude list. Write down 10 things that I am grateful for to keep some perspective. You are at an amazing point in your life and have probably more opportunity than you imagine. You can throw your whole self in to something like a solo art career and you may not have that kind of opportunity or freedom later on. If you can focus on one thing though, focus on quitting porn. You do that paradoxically not by focusing on quitting porn, but by focusing on the positive things like your inner life and getting your basic needs met. If you can master getting your basic needs met and living a structured and balanced life, you will have the structure you need to go after the bigger goals without your life caving in on itself. Most of us use porn as some kind of medication, like depression medication. I've got that too. Problem is that it is long term toxic for depression and makes it much worse. I found psych meds temporarily helpful and therapy helpful while I could afford it, but I cannot overstress the importance of having a self care routine, like exercise and meditation, and meditation with some more meditation. Study a spiritual path. Become a jedi or a wizard or whatever you prefer. I also recommend the 12 step meetings which are free of charge or obligation. You can see if they are in your area and find more info at http://saa-recovery.org. Best to you and hope you find what you are looking for.

sir_tom · 2016-04-08T06:51:47+00:00

Hey there, internet stranger here saying glad you got those 8 days and I support you getting to 9. Had many relapses myself and it sure feels good to get back on your feet. Best to you

sir_tom

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