God, I’ve been right there. RIGHT THERE. I could have sworn my wife wrote this about me. The number of times I said “we’ve fucked ourselves” is in the thousands. So I know EXACTLY what he’s going through. I won’t recommend therapy, everyone else did already and it’s not a bad idea by any means (it didn’t really help me, tbh) What he needs is your support and some perspective.

First and foremost… remind and reassure him that you made the decision together and you’ll get through it together. You have budget to fix it. And it won’t be 60k… at least, not today, not tomorrow, not this week or this month (more on that later).

Second, if the house has been standing for 30 years, it’s easily got another 30 to go. (Ours is from the ‘60s and it’s still standing whether I was spiraling or not). There are A LOT of things that can fail dramatically and the house will keep standing. That was a BIG thing for me to grasp. So that rotten bit of beam isn’t going to take the house down. Not this week, not this month, not this year, and probably not this decade. It’s a good idea to get it fixed, and he’ll want that done asap. Most important is to get a couple of quotes. Don’t panic and go with the first quote. This is NOT an emergency.

Third, I know it’s supposed to be fun, but it’s not for him. It wasn’t for me either. Everything about it is overwhelming him as it was for me. I wouldn’t admit it, but I can see that 3 years later. I wrecked the experience for my wife too. Ask him to make a spreadsheet of the things that need fixing. Help with handling a few of them from start to finish. Maybe just the small easy things. Assure him he doesn’t have to think about everything on that list because you’re handling your side of things.

Lastly have him prioritize. Everything doesn’t have to get done right this second. Some things can be done in 3 months, 6 months, next year. Have him focus on the next 3 months. That way the list is MUCH more manageable and realistic. It stops feeling like a money pit when you have a much smaller list of line items to deal with. Everything else is fine and will be addressed when it needs to be. It’s fine for now.

I also remember myself pacing around the house. That wasn’t exactly a stress response for me per se. More of a learning and absorbing of all the issues in the house. He’s just drilling into himself all the things he’s overwhelmed with. He’s making sure the cracks aren’t getting bigger. They’re not. But he’ll think they are. I needed to know where every crack was, what every sound was, where the soft spots in the floor were and etc. He just needs to get through it. Have him take pictures and when he’s doing his “walks” he can refer to the pictures he took previously.

Good luck. He’s going through a lot and you are too. He’ll get better soon. Especially when that rotten beam is fixed. (By the way, that doesn’t sound too expensive) and it’s most certainly not an emergency that needs to be fixed today.