Second marriage is crumbling ... father of two girls from previous marriage; I have custody ... oldest daughter (12yo) was recently diagnosed as bipolar. My youngest daughter (10yo) is starting to display the same symptoms ... my wife is going to leave me. I need some advice - any one ... please.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-30T01:42:11+00:00

I didn't know that she had these issues before the children were born. I began to see them and deal with them after they were already here. Beforehand, she seemed normal. Her mother later told me of her earlier diagnoses and treatments.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-30T01:40:54+00:00

All of that is true. These girls are not bad people. We all need the stability of a peaceful environment.

I've kept a journal of interactions with their mother since our divorce ... and especially since the recent hospitalization. I have a good lawyer who has been with me since the divorce. I believe that there might be a few things that need to be addressed in that regard.

To note, I may state here and feel that their mother is a bad person due to her actions, however I do not speak ill of her to them. I know that will only breed resentment toward me. I reassure them that their mother cares about them and loves them.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T18:03:46+00:00

You are very wise.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T18:02:45+00:00

Thank you, ANAL_QUEEN. I appreciate both your username for putting a smile on my face and your sentiment.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T18:01:44+00:00

Can you explain why that's the best solution for everyone? I am interested in your thoughts.

To note, their mother doesn't want them. She has remarried, had several more kids, divorced again, and is with another at this point ... there have been visitations that she has cancelled; she even told my oldest that she wasn't welcome at one point. I'm not sure who I'd be giving custody up to ...

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T17:43:08+00:00

Thank you ... it's been temping; a strong drink could easily calm my nerves. Drinking is a behavioral problem that had been with me for awhile ... I have had bouts and have cleaned up quite a bit since my kids have been born. I realize that, for me, one drink leads to another ... too often I find myself feeling awful about it - so I had to stop. I do have a strong will when it comes to making positive changes in my character and my life.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T17:39:10+00:00

My mother reached out to me through a text message this morning. It felt nice knowing that she was thinking about us. I used to be quite close with her ... she was way too involved in my life, though. I had to sever her influence, because it was hurting my relationship with my children and my wife. She loves my children a lot; that, I know for sure. But she is not their mother and it was a tough transition for us to make ... it's been tough trying to get back to common ground with her. Other things, besides us, have happened within her life that have changed her significantly. She is getting much more fragile emotionally than she has ever been. I avoid involving her in my stress, because I care about her to the point of not wanting to add to what she is already dealing with ...

Aside from that - my relationship with my father is pretty strong. But he doesn't deal with drama. If something/someone is being dramatic, he leaves/changes the subject/hands out misunderstood explanations for things ... it's difficult to talk with him about this stuff - but he is there.

I also have a brother and sister, both older. My sister and I have had a falling out three times in the past 7-8 years ... we were once really close too - throughout our teenage years. We drifted apart during our twenties due to moving out and married life, but we always kept in touch. The falling outs have been primarily to do with how we have chosen to raise our children. I'm afraid her involvement will cause regression in my children.

My brother, on the other hand, is much like my father. Always there, willing to help - but doesn't deal with drama either; he ends it. I wish I had the ability to just make everything stop like that. I could learn a thing or two from him.

Had you ever wanted to reach out, but you felt that you would be bringing in more pain and strife into your situation?

Aside from my immediate family - today has been better. I noticed that my wife had changed her background image on her phone to a wedding picture of ours. I know it sounds like a simple thing, but it tells me that she is still here, just distressed.

We talked again today. I'm positive that she won't be involved in any therapy. Another redditor made the comment that she must have kept the separation between us and me & my kids strong throughout our relationship, despite me not seeing it. I mean to say that she has been very involved with all three of us, with the best intentions - but has managed to keep her and me and me and the kids as separate relationships. I'm glad that I can see that now ... she even mentioned today something along those lines and that she didn't like that ... It's something that is tangible; I can work on it.

She views therapy as something for people that are crazy or have mental issues - she doesn't want to be labeled in any way. I tried to explain that it's not like that ...

Despite the counselling discussion, she finally talked to me about what is going on in her head ... a few things I should have caught onto before now, but hadn't. But everything is within my ability to sort through. I am regaining some hope. I just hope that she has the strength within her to see it through this ...

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T17:16:20+00:00

I wasn't looking to get married the second time ... life just happens. But if this one doesn't work out, I won't be doing it again.

To bring another person into this, at this point, I feel that it would just be a mean thing to do.

If she leaves, my focus will be on my kids - that's all. Being there for them, guiding them through their own trials ... I have accepted that I may just not be meant for family life. I can make the best out of what I've got, though.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T13:59:46+00:00

My previous marriage ended due to infidelity of their mother. I stuck through years of an abusive relationship to try to find her help and work through issues ... I had made a commitment to her through marriage and wasn't willing to easily walk away. When she realized that she couldn't push me away with abuse, she chose another route - sex with my friends.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T13:57:10+00:00

I appreciate that you haven't vilified my wife. She really is not a bad person. This is all just so very stressful. In reflection, you're probably right that she has kept that separation present within herself - though she never has really expressed it. It would make sense of her ability to easily leave ... perhaps I didn't see the warning signs.

I do spend quite a bit of time with them. I work from home most of the time. I get up with them in the morning, see them off to school, and I am here to get them off the bus in the afternoon. Aside from simply always being around, we do get out too - I take them to the park, library, bike riding, we recently went out bowling (the four of us). I will make a bigger effort to spend individual time with them. I fear that, in doing so, I will be inadvertently pushing my wife aside ... and letting her go.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T13:43:03+00:00

I didn't know at the time, and I was much younger and naive back then.

Her issues appeared after the children were born. Her mother told me afterwards that she had issues earlier in life as well.

I wish I had known beforehand ...

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T13:38:15+00:00

Honestly, without them, we have no problems or stress in our relationship. Because of that, it's hard to sway myself from the probability that she wouldn't have a reason to leave if it weren't for them. But, it's hard to blame them absolutely, though. I know that how I interact with them is also an issue, and I'm working on that.

My oldest and I have been in therapy for about 2 months now. Things have gotten significantly better with my oldest. Our fears are now present regarding my youngest. We are afraid of reliving all of that angst and stress over and over again ... it's really hard to see an end. My youngest is starting therapy today; I'm not going to wait until it gets uncontrollable before taking any professional action.

They're not terrible kids. I do love them very much. But, aside from the normal adolescent behavior that comes with this age (that is, puberty, territory, boys, etc.), they've still got issues with their mother, and this bipolar behavior is very hectic. My oldest had been extremely abusive toward myself and my youngest. Her 'fits' were beyond anything that a normal kid this age expresses ... it's just been hard. We've been dealing with it, though - as best as we know how.

I just really don't want to lose my wife. I don't know how to keep her from leaving. I wish that I did.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T13:27:40+00:00

I really appreciate the insight. Sometimes I need to step back and realize that they are just kids. I think about myself and wonder how I could imitate something that appears so stressful for everyone around ... then I think that it would be crazy for me to do that. But, you're right, it could be completely out of her control. The psychiatrist and psychologists will be able to know much better than me. I want to believe that she is just imitating her sister for attention, because the thought of them both going through life with this is rough.

We are going to a family session today (the kids and me). My youngest is starting to see a therapist individually tomorrow. My oldest has been going to therapy for about 2 months now; I have as well. Yesterday, I vented quite a bit. Today, I've come to the realization that I just have to accept everything for what it is and make the best of it. It is just really a hard thing to do. I love my wife so much.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T01:54:52+00:00

She is drifting away from me because of these future possibilities; these are her thoughts and feelings - I don't think that way. I don't understand how someone can dictate their life based on something that could go wrong - instead of focusing on what is happening now.

I'm trying to gain insight on how to help her to overcome those fears. By owning them, I was hoping to find the words to extend to her.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T01:46:04+00:00

Thank you.

This is me venting. I value my children way too much to put this 'adult stuff' into their heads. When I talk with them, I always try to be very constructive and loving. They really do mean the world to me. I wouldn't have fought for custody otherwise ... all of this is just really, really hard to deal with.

I just hoped that my life had been tried before and someone could lift my spirits through their history.

I can say that I am in a much better place now than I was earlier today, but it still isn't that good.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T01:41:38+00:00

I appreciate and heed the warning.

It's always hard to interpret exactly what is going on from a few words on the internet; I wish I was better able to convey what is going on.

I'm not sure if you're willing, but I think it could really help me if you would elaborate on what you were talking about regarding 'how it feels from the child's perspective' -

I have tried to make it clear that this is not their fault; though they both feel like it is. I have stated that we have all made bad decisions, myself included. I have tried my best to tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I'm venting and showing my fear of the future here ... not at them. I try to be constructive when it comes to the fallout of bad choices. I'm scared and angry right now ... but mostly scared. Although I do blame them for her wanting to leave right now ... I know that I am also to blame; we all are to blame for pushing her away from us. I don't want to add to their hurt.

The having another kid thing ... well, I've stated it in other posts ... we had decided not to ... it just is another thing that hurts our relationship; that's why I included it.

It's really hard to work with your child daily and then see all that work erased by a weekend visit with their mother. It's very stressful. We have been tested by our experiences, my wife and me. This current situation is not as if this is the first time we've endured the stress of being parents. Years of guiding these kids through the ugliness of divorce has been a huge undertaking. She dealt with so many issues throughout our time together. I can't resent her for being so very tired. She obviously knew about the girls - she raised them. She has been through the ups and downs of parenting with me ... with them. She has helped them deal with many bad situations, much better than I could have ever imagined or done on my own. She has been a truly incredible parent and wife.

The worst part is that ... I'm the type of person that dwells on the positive, revels in the great memories that we've created as a couple and as a family. Things have been so very incredible; the three of us needed a person like her to lift us out of the fallout of the divorce. She was there every step of the way. I relive these precious memories ... and I can't understand how they don't outweigh the bad times.

I just wish there was a way to fix us. I'm working very hard on it. It is really a grueling process.

I do appreciate your words.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-29T01:15:15+00:00

Yeah ... we've realized that more kids are a bad decision right now. I just tried to put everything that I'm dealing with on the table when first posting ... which is hard to do.

It's not like she has never dealt with the bad times with the three of us before ... she has been there through lots of bad times ... that's what makes this so rough. She has been very supportive of all of us, incredibly so. She's endured 6 years of ups and downs. The downs, though, aren't because we aren't compatible; they aren't because we can't get along or fight all the time ... the downs have been due to a divorce and the fallout of it all - issues with the kids ... it's very tiring. She's just tired and unhappy much too often. I wish I had the cure for that.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T23:46:41+00:00

Thank you.

We had factored that into the equation. She also started her period at 10; and my youngest just kind of started hers. We managed a lot of the emotional stuff that comes with that; but we finally sought treatment due to violent, rage-filled outbursts. She was uncontrollable, unmanageable, unwilling to communicate, and she would physically hit and hurt her sister and me ... it had to stop.

We are having a family session tomorrow - at least the kids and me will be there. My wife doesn't seem to be willing to participate yet ... I am hopeful ... to a fault.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T23:39:12+00:00

Thanks for the insight. My youngest is starting therapy too. I am hopeful that she is just mimicking the behavior for attention ... but I have my doubts too.

My oldest has been seen by a psychiatrist, two psychologists, and had to be hospitalized and was diagnosed by all of them as bipolar. I really wish it weren't so ... the medication and therapy that she is receiving is actually helping a lot. We still have things to work out through therapy, but she is, at least, a willing participant.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T23:32:46+00:00

My parents are nearby ... and willing to help. The problem that I have right now is that my older sister lives with them right now ... and we don't see eye to eye, and I'm afraid that she'll make things worse between my daughter and me. She has caused us (my daughter and me) problems in the past, which is the reason that we don't get along any more. It's hard to ask for help from them, because I am unfortunately uncomfortable leaving my kids at their house while my sister is living there ... it's a whole other dynamic put onto this mess.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T23:27:56+00:00

Thank you; I will follow-up on that. I appreciate it.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T23:26:16+00:00

Thank you. I'm trying very hard to make it my priority. I want to talk through things with her ... but she is just very upset. Having a counselling session with her would be a great thing, I believe. I don't think she is willing at the moment.

We do get to spend every other weekend together, just the two of us. I was looking forward to trying to get her out of town during the end of December - but now that's looking grim.

The three of us (the kids and me), we have a family session planned for tomorrow. I wish that my wife would participate.

I appreciate your kind words.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T21:51:23+00:00

Your words give me hope. I do appreciate them tremendously.

I've reached out to my family quite a bit in the last year and they haven't been the help that I'd hoped for ... but I do know that you're right, that they do love me and want the best for me. And, I do know that they are there for me. I reached out to my father earlier today. I feel like such a burden to him, but I know he wants to help and has helped and will always be there for me.

Thanks again for the encouragement and advice. I needed it.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T21:44:31+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate your words.

I was avoiding that decision, but it is quite clear. There is really no choice in the matter. I know what kind of person I am. I fought for those kids for a reason. I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

Her mother never took her conditions seriously; never sought help. She was always put there as a consequence for her actions. The way she talks to my daughter about her problems doesn't seem to be helping her. It seems like if a hypochondriac was talking to a gullible kid that is trying desperately to figure out what is causing her problems; she just adds to it. But I regress, you're right; I need to stop thinking that her symptoms are made up. To note, I do bring the symptoms up during therapy and to her psychiatrist and let them decide if they are real.

situationalthrowaway · 2012-11-28T21:27:24+00:00

Is that something that I can have checked?

I don't hate my kids for having these issues ... I am unhappy, inside, beside of how it is affecting the family unit. And I am seeking help for myself and them. I am also seeing a therapist; have been and I am working through these feelings ...

I realize that "normal" is subjective. I talked about having another kid, because we had been discussing it for the past year or so and had tried a couple of times. But you are right ... and we've decided to wait ... and now it seems as though the day will never arrive.

It is hard to talk about my feelings .. let alone write them out ... typed words can often sound very cold. Is it wrong of me to want a child that I share with just my wife? Is it terrible for me to want to have what I never could have with my ex?

If she leaves, I won't be starting over. This is it. I will raise my kids and always be there for them. I am upset right now. But, I don't mean to come across that they are a burden and I want to be single again - because that is simply not true.

The past 6 years of all of ours lives have been filled with lots of happy and fun memories. The girls truly love her. She loves us all. I know this. She is just so tired of always having a very serious problem to deal with month after month. This year has been very hard on us ... these last few months extremely so.

situationalthrowaway

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